[Theo]

A few extracts from a book I've had since 1987. Originally printed in 1982 - "1000 More Jokes for Kids" by Michael Kilgariff.

"My dog's got not legs. I call him cigarette."
"Why?"
"'Cos every night I take him out for a drag."

"My budgie lays square eggs."
"That's amazing! Can it talk, too?"
"Yes, but only one word."
"What's that?"
"Ouch."

What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?
-Unlawful means against the law. Illegal is a sick bird.

"My dog's bone idle."
"Is he?"
"Yesterday I was watering the garden, and he wouldn't lift a leg to help me!"

When do elephants have six feet?
-When there are 4 of them.

If a flea and a fly pass each other, what time is it?
-Fly past flea.

What did the father phone say to the son phone?
-"You're too young to be engaged."

Where did the policeman live?
-Nine nine nine Let's-Be Avenue.

How do you stop a cockerel crowing on Sunday?
-Cook him on Saturday.

If a man was born in Australia, worked in America and died in Europe, what is he?
-Dead.

"I'm divorcing my wife for smoking in bed."
"That doesn't sound all that serious."
"Oh, she doesn't smoke cigarettes."
"What does she smoke, then?"
"Bacon."

"Are you married?"
"Yes."
"Children?"
"Three boys and six girls."
"That's nine altogether."
"No - one at a time."

"In China," said the returned tourist, "I saw a woman hanging from a tree."
"Shanghai?"
"No, about six foot off the ground."

Did you hear about the man who keeps his wife under the bed?
-He thinks she's a little potty!

Verse and Worse

There was a young lady called Hardwick,
By a cricket ball she was struck.
And now you can read on her tombstone:
'Hardwick, hard ball, hard luck!'

Hickory Dickory Dock,
Three mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
And the other two got away with minor injuries...

November the Fifth has come and gone,
But thoughts of it still linger.
I held a banger in my hand -
Has anybody seen my finger?

The Dachshund's a dog of German descent;
Whose tail never knew where his front end went.

Mary had a little lamb,
It had a touch of colic.
She gave it brandy twice a day -
And now it's alcoholic.

Mary had a little lamb,
It leapt around in hops.
It gambolled in the road on day,
And finished up as chops.

Mary Rose
Sat on a pin.
Mary Rose.

'Twas in a cafe that they first met,
Romeo and Juliet.
And there he first ran into debt -
For Rome-owed for what Juli-ate!

A famous painter
Met his death;
Because he couldn't
Draw his breath.


-edit

Gosh, I didn't realise how many I'd typed!