[Brucelles]

While I was watching the Top Gear 24 Hour Special last weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartarse.

----------------------------------------------------------

A willing suspension of disbelief is needed for this one.


A 70 year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year-old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doctor, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was appalled! "You asked your neighbour?" the old man replied, "Yes, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the damned jar open!"

-------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.

The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"

-------------------------------------------------------------

One day Little Johnny's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in "your" son's closet."

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think we should spank him."

-------------------------------------------------------------

A Londoner, a Welshman and a Yorkshireman were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Londoner says, "I'll take poison, please." The chief gives him some poison, the Londoner says, "Up yours" and drinks it down.

The Welshman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "Yakky dah!" and blows his brains out.

The Yorkshireman says, "I'll tek a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a big fork. The Yorkshireman takes the fork and starts stabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.

There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

The Yorkshireman looks at the chief and says, "So much for thy canoe, arsehole!"