[hitman67]

Ferral : Bloody brilliant mate, fell off the chair!

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How to give a cat a pill

1) Pick cat up & cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right fore-finger & thumb on either side of cat's mouth & gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth & swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor & cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm & repeat the process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom & throw away soggy pill.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open & push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for the count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl & cat from top of wardrobe. Call for someone to help you.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front & rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get helper to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler & rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler & repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines 7 vases from hearth & set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel & get helper to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil & blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to helper's forearm & remove blood from carpet with cold water & soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard & close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage & put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour large measure & drink. Apply cold compress to cheek & check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another whisky. Throw Tee shirt away & fetch another one from bedroom.

12) Ring Fire Brigade to retrieve the ****ing cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid the cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13) Tie the little ****er's front paws to rear paws with garden twine & bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically & pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of whisky. Get helper to drive you to Accident & Emergency, sit quietly while Doctor stitches fingers & forearm & removes remnants of pill from right eye. Call furniture shop on the way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell & then ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.