Jack Bauer...

[CMC]

These are kinda like the Chuck Norris lines, but with Jack Bauer instead...

When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.

The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives

Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."

Jack Bauer can break anyone and anything, but he will always break the protocol first.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

One proposed budget for the US Military covered Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.

Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.

Many women's husbands don't wish they were Jack Bauer. They wish their wives were Jack Bauer. Coincidentally, none of these men are gay.

Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Myers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice. The corollary to this is: If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Myers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.

Jack Bauer's calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Jack Bauer.

The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

Kim Bauer lost her virginity-- Jack Bauer got it back.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.

Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.

Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

Jack Bauer eliminated Bird Flu by playing Duck Hunt.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish her vegetables.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.

Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

When Jack Bauer turns on a video game, the screen just says "You Win" and turns itself off again.

Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.

Jack Bauer's dog put a sign on his fence that read "Beware of Jack."

When Jack Bauer was a baby, he took candy from adults.

Water can only go three days without Jack Bauer.

Deaf people listen to Jack Bauer.

To stop the Japanese in WWII Truman was going to drop Jack Bauer out of a Bomber. Instead he went with a nuke because it was more humane.

Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

Jack Bauer's blood type is testosterone.

Instead of tickling Elmo, Jack Bauer shot him.

Jack Bauer can have 11 items at the 10 item lane

Jack Bauer has so good of a shot that he dosen't need bullets for his 9mm

Jack Bauer can watch Saturday Night Live, live on a Tuesday morning.

[MadduckUK]

he uses 4 billion rounds of pistol ammo yet is such a good shot he doesnt need bullets with his pistol?

[CMC]

ok, so they dont all tie in with each other... lol

[j.o.s.h.1408]

LOL nice one. very funny man

[IBM]

thanks. I larfed and larfed and larfed.

[Workaholic]

Originally Posted by CMC

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Only 1/2 an hour? Not half a year?