A few extracts from a book I've had since 1987. Originally printed in 1982 - "1000 More Jokes for Kids" by Michael Kilgariff.
"My dog's got not legs. I call him cigarette."
"'Cos every night I take him out for a drag."
"My budgie lays square eggs."
"That's amazing! Can it talk, too?"
"Yes, but only one word."
What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?
-Unlawful means against the law. Illegal is a sick bird.
"My dog's bone idle."
"Yesterday I was watering the garden, and he wouldn't lift a leg to help me!"
When do elephants have six feet?
-When there are 4 of them.
If a flea and a fly pass each other, what time is it?
-Fly past flea.
What did the father phone say to the son phone?
-"You're too young to be engaged."
Where did the policeman live?
-Nine nine nine Let's-Be Avenue.
How do you stop a cockerel crowing on Sunday?
-Cook him on Saturday.
If a man was born in Australia, worked in America and died in Europe, what is he?
"I'm divorcing my wife for smoking in bed."
"That doesn't sound all that serious."
"Oh, she doesn't smoke cigarettes."
"What does she smoke, then?"
"Are you married?"
"Three boys and six girls."
"That's nine altogether."
"No - one at a time."
"In China," said the returned tourist, "I saw a woman hanging from a tree."
"No, about six foot off the ground."
Did you hear about the man who keeps his wife under the bed?
-He thinks she's a little potty!
Verse and Worse
There was a young lady called Hardwick,
By a cricket ball she was struck.
And now you can read on her tombstone:
'Hardwick, hard ball, hard luck!'
Hickory Dickory Dock,
Three mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
And the other two got away with minor injuries...
November the Fifth has come and gone,
But thoughts of it still linger.
I held a banger in my hand -
Has anybody seen my finger?
The Dachshund's a dog of German descent;
Whose tail never knew where his front end went.
Mary had a little lamb,
It had a touch of colic.
She gave it brandy twice a day -
And now it's alcoholic.
Mary had a little lamb,
It leapt around in hops.
It gambolled in the road on day,
And finished up as chops.
Sat on a pin.
'Twas in a cafe that they first met,
Romeo and Juliet.
And there he first ran into debt -
For Rome-owed for what Juli-ate!
A famous painter
Met his death;
Because he couldn't
Draw his breath.
Gosh, I didn't realise how many I'd typed!
Absolutely terrible. I used to love it though - for a good while it was the main source of my entertainment in the car journey to primary school every morning... Until Gladiators released an album with all the songs form the TV show, that is.
Two pubic hairs on a urinal, and one says "Not seen you for a while, where've you been?" and the other one says "Oh, I got pissed off".
Here's a few better ones from me
Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
A man is sitting in a pub having a quiet drink when a prostitute sits next to him and says :
"I'll do anything you want for £3 pounds, but the trick is you have to tell me what you want me to do using only three words" She says
He Smiles, lines up three £1 coins and says really slowly "Paint . . . . . My . . . . . House"
That should do it lol
An Ewok walks into a butchers shop and forgets why.
this truly is the thread where jokes come to die isnt it?
VodkaOriginally Posted by Ephesians
Doctor Doctor, I keep thinking that people are taking pictures of me.
I think you're being Polaroid.
Whats the difference between light and hard.
You can sleep with the light on.
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