Should you tell?

[Brucelles]

If your mate's spouse is cheating?

This is one question I never really answered satisfactorily. I recently came across a guy who was a good friend once, but his wife walked off with another bloke and he became a bitter, and quite nasty, person. He was probably my best friend at the time, but I was 20 and he 28 and we were living in the Middle East and when I realised that his wife (who had slept with "somewhere between 200 and 300 men") was doing it with another bloke I didn't know what to do. So I shut up and did nothing.

That decision was based upon a lot of variables, one of which (in self-justification) was my relative youth.

Now I am older and I have seen a lot more marital infidelity and I have never spoken to the cuckold involved. I am sort of lucky in that my life means that I seldom get into the situation nowadays where I am privy to this information; I am usually not around.

I wonder though, just out of curiosity, does anyone think that it's better to tell? Assume that you had incontrovertible (but not portable) evidence of your best friend's spouse having an affair. You know, but you can't provide evidence. Would you tell your friend?

I wouldn't. I think that there's an element of "what the eyes don't see the heart won't grieve over", but there's also the unpredictability of the result of telling. Perhaps a marriage will be shattered beyond repair, breaking up a family. Perhaps the friend will not believe you and hate you forever. Perhaps anything.

And it's none of my business, is it?

[Fraz]

How about an anonymous tip-off.... a letter though the post? Then your conscience is clear, and you don't get the blame for interfering in other people's business.

It's a tough one, like you say.

[pollaxe]

Tough call.

My own opinion would be that I probably wouldn't say anything.. if it was a really good friend it would be hard not to tell them though. Fortunately I've not been in this situation.. yet.

[Funkstar]

How about approaching the cheating partner and letting them know that you know?

That might be enough for them to stop it. But in the case of your friend years ago, probably not.

[GoNz0]

if he is a friend you will go round and tell him without wasting any more of his life on his soon to be ex.

he may fall out with you at the start but he will talk to you again

[schmunk]

Originally Posted by Fraz

How about an anonymous tip-off....

Have you considered sky-writing?

[vc54321]

Well if you was in the other situation would you want to know if your other half was cheating

[kickstart 1]

Say nothing , you wont get thanked for it !

[usxhe190]

Don't tell the Guy, tell the Women. If you do it the other way around, you are just ignorant coz you don't even know the facts...

[Brucelles]

Originally Posted by Funkstar

How about approaching the cheating partner and letting them know that you know?

That might be enough for them to stop it. But in the case of your friend years ago, probably not.

I did that, sort of. I saw her and the bloke sloping off together at a party and later thought, "they seem to be a long time." I was quite pissed, and wandered off and looked for them and they were naked in the swimming pool changing room. Bad choice as the door wasn't lockable. She tried to explain, but I wouldn't listen, but she begged me not to tell him as "it would kill him." Bitch.

I wonder if he would have listened to an anonymous tip? I am not sure I would.

[usxhe190]

Brucelles, just threaten the girl, telling the guy will just make you and his relationship awkward

[htid]

Originally Posted by usxhe190

Brucelles, just threaten the girl, telling the guy will just make you and his relationship awkward

Is it just me or are people not reading the original post correctly and assuming this is actually happening, rather than being hypothetical?

[Brucelles]

This was a long time ago. Much water under the bridge since then, and I only thought about it as I came across the guy recently. A friend of my dad's knows him. After his wife left him (at my leaving party) he had a bad time and she and the shirthead she ran off with framed him for demanding money with menaces and took the house off him. He married an ex-girlfriend of mine and cheated on her so they split up after 3 months. I never told him that I knew what was going on, but we weren't friends after he shat on my ex like that.

I was just wondering if anything I did or didn't do would have helped, and in general terms who thinks "tell" and who thinks "stay schtum". So yes, now, it's completely hypothetical.

[ikonia]

Originally Posted by htid

Is it just me or are people not reading the original post correctly and assuming this is actually happening, rather than being hypothetical?

Some people are idiots

Back to the question

It will depend on a case by case situation, and what type of person you are.

There is no "yes I would" or "no I wouldn't" answer.

[TheAnimus]

I'd be very tempted to go down the route of letting the person who's been un-faithful know i know.

Kind of the chicken option, that still means your morally ok.

The truth shall set you free, as long as you don't hold yourself responsible for the people the truth hurts.

[badass]

I'd say its a no brainer for me. If its a mate and I only know the other half through them then I'll let them know. Whether anonymously or not depends on the situation.
If the cheater's cannot be trusted to be faithfull they cannot be trusted by their partner full stop. They need to know, whether they can handle it or not.