Even money then, who wants a wager?
Even money then, who wants a wager?
Not too bad.. nearly a year ago!
Amy Winehouse met Jezza the other night at a party..
Amy: "So what do you do then Jeremy?"
Jezza: "Top Gear"
Amy: "Oooo lovely gimme 5 grams please"
Two horses are at Ascot, standing in the stables waiting to for their races to come up.
The first horse says "You know what? This is make or break for me. If I don't win my race I'm for the knackers yard... none of this being put out to stud and shagging tons of good looking fillies... oh no, it'll be round the back of the stables, bolt through the brain and off to the glue factory."
The second horse replies, "Yep, I'm in the same boat mate. I dunno what's going wrong. I'm younger than the others, in training I can run for miles and barely break a sweat but in the race, no matter how hard I try, I never place better than sixth or seventh..."
The first one says, "I know what you mean. As soon as those gates open I'm off and belting along... but the next thing I know, I'm last and knackered..."
A dog that was sitting next to the stables all this time stands up and says "Guys, listen. I've been watching your races and I know exactly where you're going wrong. The pair of you are fast, faster than anyone else out there, but your problem is that you're spending all your energy early on. Rather than trying to lead from the front, stay in with the pack... pace yourselves. Then, over the last 1/4 mile, THAT'S when you go for broke... dig in and sprint for the line. Everyone else will be knackered and you'll cruise to an easy win. Sorted."
The first horse looks in amazement at the second horse, who is equally astounded, "Bloody hell.... a talking dog!"
A man and his wife were awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.  The man got up and went to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, asked him for a push.
"Not a chance," said the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"  He slammed the door and returned to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answered.
“Did you help him?" she asked.
“No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is raining cats and dogs out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," said his wife.  "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?  I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man sighed, but did as he was told. He got dressed, and went out into the pounding rain.  He called out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," cames back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" called out the husband.
"Yes, please!" came the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" called the husband.
"Over here, on the swing."
A man arrived one day at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted.  St. Peter looked through the Big Book, but after several minutes furrowed his brow, and said, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written down here.”
"How current is your copy?" the man asked.
"I get a download every ten minutes." St.  Peter replied. "Why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type.  It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't yet arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," Peter says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The man thought for a moment. “Well, there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of yobs harassing this poor girl.  I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them. Infuriated, I got out my car and walked up to the leader of the gang.  He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears.  As I walked up to the leader, his mates told me to get lost or I'd be next.
"But I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone!  You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals!  Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, said "Wow!  When did this happen?"
"About three minutes ago."
Probably a re-post but I don't care.
The other day I was cruising along as usual in my BMW coming onto one of my
motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.
First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down
for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely
big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! (The
driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an
apology to me with a long blast of his horn.)
Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.
(Why do underlings use this lane? Surely everyone knows it is for BMW
Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110mph enjoying the
adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an
inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway,
but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!
Naturally, I got to within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my
headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and
to get out of my way.
Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I
could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also
tried to keep up with me but when he realised I would out-run him, he put on
some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard
shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.
Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave
me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!
Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to
take my driver's licence to a Police Station to be sent away to have some
points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was
only allowed 3.)
But the man at the Police Station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't
be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED
a driving licence, so they will take it off me!
See, now THAT's the sort of respect you get when you buy and drive a BMW.
Ohh some nice clean ones for a change. Excellent!
Old but (might be a repost!)
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
ABC's of ex girlfriends
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a stuff about you.
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favours.
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
stands for Kill.
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now suing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.
is for Voluptuous. That is the primary reason you were dating her in the first place.
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.
From last night's 8 Out Of 10 Cats:
Yes, the global economy has had it's worst week since... well, last week. Here is a simple way to explain it:
Think of the economy as a giant fan. Now, think of that fan covered in sh!t.
I was in the pub Saturday night and next to me was a guy with the sweetest looking dog imaginable. When the Tottenham score was read out on TV this dog went berserk. It started growling and barking, even tried to bite a couple of people nearby.
I said, "Bloody hell mate, what's that all about?"
He replied, "Oh he does that every time Tottenham lose"
I said, "Well what happens when they win?"
He replied, " F**k knows, I've only had him six months!"
John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sit there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word is spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had McCain in his chair reached for the after-shave. McCain was quick to stop him, saying 'No thanks. My wife Cindy will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'
The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you?'
Obama replied, 'Go ahead. Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks,'What happened?'
His wife replies,'Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
'It worked! The headaches are all gone.'
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire In the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps Into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'Boy, that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I'll be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even Better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!'
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