A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, "F off! You won't bring it back."
Imagine my joy when getting out the christmas decorations I found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces was a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.
Such a pity it was a puppy
A guy was sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 and noticed a really beautiful woman idle up to next to him. He thought to himself: "Wow, she's gorgeous. She must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?" Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?" The girl gave him a blank, almost confused stare, and he immediately thought to himself: "Dash it, she doesn't work for Delta." A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. So he leaned towards her and said, "Something special in the air?" She returned the same blank look and he mentally kicked himself and scratched Singapore Airlines off his list.Next he tried Thai Airways: "Smooth as Silk?"Only this time the girl turned on him and said: "What the F do you want, mister?" The man smiled, then slumped back contentedly in his chair and sighed: "Ahhhhh....EasyJet."
Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles."
The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog."
"Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?"
"Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal."
"Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that."
So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.
And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence...