That last one is genius!
That last one is genius!
Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, she said, 'Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila.'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. She looked up again and said, 'Never mind. I found one. '
Coolermaster Stacker, MSI 890GXM-G65, Win 7 Ult 64 bit, AMD X6 1055T, Corsair HX 650, Sapphire HD7950 OC, Crucial 128GB C300 SSD, HD501LJ Spinpoint T166, WD SE16 640GB, 4x2GB Corsair XMS3, custom watercooled (single loop, 2 rads)
A+ BB Storm, Asus P5E-VM-HDMI, Win 7 Pro 64bit, Q6600, Coolermaster GeminiII, Corsair HX 620, Corsair P64 SSD, 2x HD501LJ Spinpoint T166, Asus 6850 DirectCu, 4x2GB Corsair TwinX XMS2
Coolermaster Centurion, Abit KN9-Ultra, Win 7 Pro 64bit, AMD X2 5000 BE, Zalman 9500, Tagan 380, Sapphire HD4850 Vapour-X, HGST T7K250 120GB, 2x2GB Corsair TwinX XMS2
Thecus N2200XXX w/2xWDC 3TB, N2200 w/ 2xSammy 1.5TB
Corsair 550D, Seasonic X-Series SS-750KM3, custom watercooled (single loop, 2 rads)
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
q. where do you usually find frogspawn
a. on the top shelf of a frog newsagent..
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me', she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.
"Ah Yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
-- Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
-- Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
-- Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles you chances for a date on Saturday night."
-- Rodney Dangerfield
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
-- George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
-- Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex -- no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bi*ch"
-- Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
-- Barbara Bush
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
-- Roseanne Barr
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do of undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-- Robert De Niro
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
-- Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for 20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noonone day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex,
these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
oops, sorry guys.. a bit too far...
Last edited by Nick; 27-02-2008 at 04:42 PM. Reason: Pulled it cos it was too far over the line
If you knew if was that dodgy, why post it? I know there are lots of people that won't find it funny, and it may very well get deleted.
Just a heads up for future reference.
Just wanted to say some excellent jokes here. Thanks to all you have made my morning
English beaurocracy at it's best.. makes me feel all proud
Last edited by ajones; 26-02-2008 at 08:12 AM. Reason: gratz on the thousandth post btw!!!
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