A few jokes for a dull Wednesday morning...

[Big Leon]

Morning all,
A friend sent me these this morning and they really cheered me up so I thought I'd share:

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

"I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand." (Genius TBH)

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

Hope they help,
Leon

/disclaimer - if you don't find these funny please refrain from posting comments such 'OMG I want two mins of my life back", just calmly step away from the thread..

[CMC]

OMG I want two mins of my life back...

*calmly and quicky runs away*

only jokin, ive heard most of these before, but they still make me smile a little

[Big Leon]

Originally Posted by CMC

OMG I want two mins of my life back...

*calmly and quicky runs away*

Gah /slaps CMC

[Tumble]

Batman one is teh funnie

[schmunk]

Did you hear the one about the forum where a seletion of Tim Vine jokes got posted roughly once a month?

[Big Leon]

Did you hear the one where people who weren't interested in the thread shouldn't post?

[Chopper]

lol some of them a bit iffy but still made me smile...

[Allen]

Originally Posted by Big Leon

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand." (Genius TBH)

Matey, thanks for making a bad day a little bit better, that one made me and my colleagues laugh!

[tiggerai]

Originally Posted by Big Leon

Did you hear the one where people who weren't interested in the thread shouldn't post?

OOOh you on fire today!!

[Big Leon]

Originally Posted by Allen

Matey, thanks for making a bad day a little bit better, that one made me and my colleagues laugh!

Glad to hear I was actually laughing out loud about that one this morning to the point where people were looking at me....

Originally Posted by tiggerai

OOOh you on fire today!!

I was a little harsh perhaps, but I did put a disclaimer in the first post

[5cupa]

so glad tommy cooper lives on

[SiM]

A good-looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She sits down at the end of the bar and immediately raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer. At that moment, everybody notices that she doesn't shave her armpits. When she finishes her drink she raises her arm again to get another one. Again, everybody sees her incredibly hairy armpits. This happens a few times.

Meanwhile, a drunk man on the other side of the bar says to the bartender as he passes him, "Hey! D'you see that ballerina on the other side of the bar?"

The bartender gives him a nod.

"Buy her a drink on me."

The bartender replies, "Sure, but how do you know she's a ballerina?"

"Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick who can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."

______________


A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

[Behemoth]

A man is sat at the bar of a pub. A woman walks upto him and says

"I'm a prostitute, I will do whatever you want £3, but you have to tell me what you want me to do using 3 words only"

"Easy" replies the man as he takes out three £1 coins, slowly he says

"Paint my house"