The Bear Facts of Life.
1) When a Daddy Bear and a Mommy Bear, who love each other very much (well, actually the Daddy Bear just says he loves the Mommy Bear very much sometimes, in order to get some action, but lets not dwell on that) decide that its time to make a Baby Bear, they make the magical journey, up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire, and the wondrous process of Bear creation begins.
2) First, the foreplay. Now, if the Mommy Bear is very, very lucky, this can last anything up to 9 seconds, and involves the Daddy Bear taking his clothes off, talking about what he did at work today, and complaining that the Mommy Bear has tights on instead of stockings.
3) Now the wondrous act itself begins. The act can be a very pleasurable, or a physically and mentally challenging experience for the Daddy Bear, depending on the level to which the Mommy Bear has looked after herself, and whether or not she ‘mings’.
Unfortunately, a lot of mommy bears ming, to varying degrees. Some only ming in a very moderate way, that can be easily off-set with the application of industrial strength beauty products, and a few Vodka and Red Bulls.
Some Mommy Bears, however, ming like Ming the Merciless, the evil king of ming, and are beyond the help of cosmetic or medical assistance. Nevertheless, it is the daddy bears duty to ‘ave it’, and regardless of the state of the old girl, he must grit his teeth, and get stuck right in.
4) The degree to which the old bird mings is not the only factor that determines how enjoyable the experience will be for the Daddy Bear. Some features of the Mommy Bear, such as premier league bangers, can only help to increase the enjoyment, alas, should a key part of the Mommy Bears anatomy have roughly the same dimensions as a clown’s pocket, then any enjoyment at all, is a long shot.
5) Now the key moments are played out, with the Daddy Bear climbing on top of the Mommy Bear, and giving it some. While this goes on, the Mommy Bear will encourage the Daddy Bear by saying things such as 'Remember your weak colon dear' and 'Look at the state of those curtains, I must change them later'.
The Daddy Bear, for his part, is doing his 34 times tables in his head, trying to remember all the British Prime Ministers since the First World War in alphabetical order, or simply pretending the mommy bear has passed on. Anything, in fact, to last those extra few seconds.
A favorite trick, to offset the expulsion of 'wuv honey', is to concentrate on a favorite television series, such as Star Trek: The Next Generation. However, the Daddy Bear must be careful to use this only as a distraction, as getting too involved in the process, can lead to some less than helpful comments.
For instance, on no account, should the daddy bear, when approaching the finale, utter the words ‘Warp 9 on my mark, Mr Warf... MMMAAAARRRRKKKK... RRRRRRKKKKK... RRRKKK... RK... RK... RRRKKK.'
This is insensitive, and may lead the Mommy Bear to believe that the Daddy Bear thinks she has an arse like a Klingons face. If the mommy bear believes this to be the case, then lets just say that the ‘Captains Log’ wont be going on many missions to unexplored sectors in the near future, and will be lucky to so much as get a glimpse of the neutral zone; and even then, only after his warp cells have been repaired.
The connections should be more subtle, such as a quiet utterance of ‘Doctor Crusher… to the bridge!’, or perhaps ‘fire the protein torpedoes!’ once the point of no return has been reached.
6) Now the tiny-winy Baby Bear is in the Mommy Bears tummy, and the Daddy Bear can look forward to 9 whole months of no sex, cups and other household object being thrown at him, his wife ballooning in size, and hideous stretch marks appearing all over her, giving her the appearance of a living, breathing, bowl of porridge oats. This is the magic of the pregnancy.
It can be a tricky time, with the money the Mommy Bear saves on jam slabs, being lost again, on bizarre cravings for bread sandwiches on toast, and other such peculiarities.
7) A short time later, the Baby Bear is born, with 10 tiny fingers and ten tiny toes, perfect in every way (unless the bear is ginger, in which case, he will be placed into care), and he will grow up to fall in love with his own Mommy Bear who has just been born in the next bed, in 25 years time. (14-15 years time if he lives on a council estate)
8) Now some Daddy Bears are 'fruity as a coot', and this means that they fall in love with another Daddy Bear. When this happens, a tiny-winy Baby Bear cannot be born (although they do try), and the Daddy Bears will live a sad and lonely life, on the outskirts of society. (Bear society is still very much old fashioned, and more than a little ‘Daily Mail’… you can still be thrown in the sea, for sneezing on the Sabbath or picking your arse whilst saying grace)
9) Some Mommy Bears are also 'gay' or 'Anchovy Bay Commandos' to give them their scientific name. These Mommy Bears fall in love with another Mommy Bear, and take a course in car maintenance, or metal work at bear school. When they fail, they blame all Daddy Bears for it, claming some big conspiracy, and shave their heads, before buying a pair of Doctor Martins boots (this is required under lezzy law) and grouping together, to make a video documentary about something.
And that’s the bear facts of life!