JOTD - post your jokes here ppl!

[scottyman]

gynaecologist visit.


In Sydney, Australia, one of the radio stations pays ($1000-$5000) for People to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the person $5000.

I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist!
Early one morning I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 a.m.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was called into the doctor's office. Knowing the procedure, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond. When the appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.

The rest of the day was normal...some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

After school when my six-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mum, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

[Jonny M]

Seen this the other day (was probably posted here but I can't remember ). Better than most stuff you get on forums. Like it .

[s1lv3r]

if you're out shopping and you see a dwarf with learning disabilities for sale... DON'T BUY IT!!

it's not big and it's not clever

[SarG]

I was emailed this a couple of days ago, enjoy:



The following are all replies that women have put on British Child
Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child "A" was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child "B", but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ
risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. [name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CD's ?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney, maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given] mine might have remained unfertilised.

=============================================
The following questions and answers were collated from last year's British GCSE exams.

Geography

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised?(e.g.abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A :Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

English

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology

Q : What is a turbine?
A : Something an Arab wears on his head.

[scottyman]

that dwarf joke cracked me up!

[scottyman]

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. “Jake” she said.

“Hush,” he quickly interrupted, “don 't talk.”

But she insisted, “Jake,” she said in her tired voice, “I have to talk. I must confess.”

“There is nothing to confess,” said the weeping Jake, “it' s all right. Everything' s all right.”

“No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you.”

Jake stroked her hand.

“Now, Becky, don' t be concerned, I know all about it,” he sobbed.

[Jcb33]

OK lame joke alert!!!!

How many ears dose Spock have?
A left ear
A Right ear
and a final front'ear'

[Howard]

One sperm says to the other "are we nearly there yet" and he replies "no, we're only just past the tonsils"

[Punky]

Q. 2 men in an airing cupboard, which one is a soldier?

A. The one in the tank...

[acidrainy]

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.
The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door.
The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.

He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee.
She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles.
They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[Trickle]

Why did the Chicken Cross the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANZ BLIX: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

JACQUES CHIRAC: We will veto any resolution regarding non-compliance of the chicken whether it has or has not crossed the road!

MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador): The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

RALPH NADER: The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did NOT cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

[CrapshoT]

to save water 2 nuns share a bath nun 1 says wears the soap
nun2 replies yes it does doesnt it !!!!!

[Nemeliza]

Man walks into a bar..OUCH

I aint typing out no long ting joke for no one! so deal with this.

[gilgamesj]

lol x-)

here's my irish sense o humour.

Paddy decides to take his bulldog to the vets one day as his dog has terrible cross eye.

He gets into the surgery and the vet asks ' what seems to be the problem ? ' the man says ' my dog has terrible cross eye '

the vet proceeds to pick the dog up and checks in its left eye, and then its right. The vet looks at paddy and says, ' im gonna have to put him down. '
' But why ? ' asked paddy to which the vet replied, ' Cos he's awful heavy '

.... sorry..

haha

[DaBeeeenster]

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?

About 8 pints.

[steve threlfall]

Originally posted by s1lv3r
if you're out shopping and you see a dwarf with learning disabilities for sale... DON'T BUY IT!!

it's not big and it's not clever

LMAO