Planes, Taxis and in-flight turbulence...

[Nick]

Time for a completely non-computer related bit before the jet-lag kicks in and knocks me on my ass.

I've just this morning arrived back in the UK from Taiwan after covering Computex 2005 in Taipei with the all knowledgable Rys and the all diminutive PD. It's cool hanging out with them in a foreign country as PD knows the ropes, Rys knows the drinks and they both make me look good.

As well as covering Computex, I had the pleasure of being ABIT's guest to cover the ACON5 world finals, and tied with getting home from Taiwan, the flights to Xian and back meant that in 5 days I was on a total of 8 different flights!

The flight from Taipei to Hong Kong set a pattern which I very quickly learned from and I think I can now class myself as a seasoned traveller. Here, for the first time, I give you Haywood's Law of Turbulence, an essential asset to anyone who wishes to survive in-flight beverage imbibing.

Haywood's Law
"The severity of the turbulence is directly proportional to the fullness of the cup multiplied by the heat of the liquid there-in divided by the time since the cup was handed to you"

This can expressed thus;

( V x C)
------- = T
t

(where T = Turbulence, V = volume of liquid, C = temperature, t = time)

Or, to put it more simply, the hotter and more full the cup is, the more the plane is going to shake you around like a pea in a can ensuring you hard boil your nuts.

I have proof of this theory in all of my last eight flights, every one of which suffered turbulence of varying severity.

The theory first took a hold when on my flight from Taipei to Hong Kong, just as they were serving the drinks, a completely smooth flight became a white knuckle ride of pant wetting (for some) fear when the plane did a shimmy, then a shammy, then a nosedive that was severe enough to lift me off the seat and be held in by my seatbelt only.

But I was lucky, the hostess hadn't yet handed me my cup of tea... not so the poor woman next to me who had foolishly decided to try and drik some of hers just as our flight went into freefall.

She was presented with a cup shaped floating glob of tea that floated infornt of her for a second before splashing down... giving her the most unusual and possibly hottest face wash she had ever had...

Of course, that woman hates me as I started to laugh, but I wasn't laughing at her at all... I was too busy laughing at the hostess stood next to her who had decided it was a better idea to stow the trolley and had started to make a move when the second load of windshear whammed into us.

Amid the fearful screams of passengers who don't know that a 747-400's wingloading is so extreme you can pretty much run a bus up the wing, the hostess was making a valiant effort to scarper up the aisle only to find herself in freefall as the plane dropped like a stone for a second time.

In the midst of all the fear and near panic, I was treated to the unique sight of a slightly built, neatly dressed, demurely made up air hostess treading air about 8 inches off the carpet, stopped from smacling her head on the ceiling by her vice like grip on the heavy drinks trolley... you've not lived until you've seen someones feet going like the clapper in mid air as they try to walk whilst in free-fall...

I wish I could say there was a comedy puff of smoke and terrific acceleration down the aisle as she touched back down, but there wasn't... just a quick jangle and trailing stream of plastic cups marked her return to the carpet... but she and I were the lucky ones.

Looking around, all the passengers were terrified by the events we'd just been through, but most were soaked too, thus proving my theory.

It was interesting to note, as I left the plane I happened to glance down at the seats in-front of me... the middle one had a massive damp stain on it... but they hadn't been served their drinks yet.... perhaps my law needs another element adding into it?

[Twigman]

where did taxis come in or am i blind?

[poolking]

Remember, he is jet-lagged, the taxis will appear be patient.

[Nick]

Yer, its now just gone 9 in the morning, but I feel like its mid afternoon...

Anyways, to pick up where I left off;

My law was further reinforced in all my subsequent flights as even the smoothest of smooth flights was interrupted by turbulence of some sort whenever they served us drinks... Sometimes it might just be a warning shimmy to remind me to gulp down my drink as quickly as possible, and other times it might only be a little judder as the god of turbulence realised that I had him covered by only ordering drinks that came in cartons or cans.

Of course, without inverting the plane, there was nothing coming out of those babies... but it did make me wonder whether the airlines shouldn't adopt NASA style drinking bottles... It would save in laundry bills for start...

But then I realised that the airlines bring it on themselves as on a short hop from Guangzhou to Xian, the cabin crew started to serve drinks as we began our descent!

Yep, there we are in the holding pattern, the plane banking around, dropping flap etc and along comes a hostie with a drinks trolley! Now, I know a little about flying, having done a bit of time in the pilot's seat myself, so I can see we're in a left handed holding pattern... not a problem really until I also realise that the bloke sitting to my right has a nice full cup of tea...

The pilot drops some more flap, heaves the plane into a left handed bank and I end up with the bloke's tea on my lap...

Next; The taxis!

[Stoo]

Nick, you *really* need to write an autobiography, or at least story based on the events in your life, lol

[Nick]

Stoo, this is it bud!

Right so.. taxis...

My first taxi experience in Taiwan was a transfer from the airport to the hotel. It was a relief to get into an air conditioned Lexus from the stifling heat and humidity outside...

I settle back in the plush leather trying to chill out a bit when the driver pops the stereo on and I'm treated to The Eagles at eardrum rupturing levels...

Now this was odd for a start, but there was a much bigger shock in store and that was the Taiwanese style of driving. You see, the do HAVE road markings, but it looks like the Taiwanese regard those markings more of a guideline than a hard and fast rule...

And as for rights of way, the rule for this is pretty much "If you're behind me, YOU have to worry about not hitting me, no matter what I do". That's fair enough if you're directly in front of a car, but the Taiwanese use this rule laterally too... so if you want to change lane, provided the car next to you doesn't have his front bumper ahead of yours, you can quite happily drift across in front of him forcing him to either brake or shift lanes himself!

I tell you this right now, you have not LIVED until you've heard a Taiwanese Limo driver singing 'Take it easy' at the top of his lungs with a heavy Chinese accent whilst careening across a 4 lane motorway narrowly avoiding (or should that be 'narrowly being avoided') by everyone else as we barrel along at ever faster speeds.

Even though the aircon was on, by the time we got to the hotel I was sweating, and I'm pretty sure he mistook my terrified richtus as a satisfied grin when I finally staggered up the hotel steps... though my kissing the ground and sobbing with relief was probably interpretted as an English 'custom'...

[MD]

I tell you this right now, you have not LIVED until you've heard a Taiwanese Limo driver singing 'Take it easy' at the top of his lungs with a heavy Chinese accent whilst careening across a 4 lane motorway narrowly avoiding (or should that be 'narrowly being avoided') by everyone else as we barrel along at ever faster speeds.

In that case I have lived, as Beijing was no different last year lol, truely terrifying.

m@

[Kaine (AoD)]

Originally Posted by Nick

She was presented with a cup shaped floating glob of tea that floated infornt of her for a second before splashing down... giving her the most unusual and possibly hottest face wash she had ever had...

ahha... hahaha.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA That my friend has just made my day and i am now sat in mr works call centre laughing with EVERYONE staring at me with a 'look at that weirdo' stare!

That is a WIIIINNNNEEEERRRR

[Twigman]

Gotta love it in Brazil...we wanted a taxi...but it was during like their most popular soap opera time 7.30pm or something...so yeah anyway...guy turns up. 8" black and white tv strapped to dahboard. Pretty cool...tv in car, except it was on and he was watching as we pulled away.
so we start bombing it down this cobbled street i would say around 50mph...(we we at the top of a hill) and its all blind hair pin bends that he was flooring it round, not that it made any difference...
I swear his eyes didnt leave the tv for the whole journey even though we were bumping up and down loads...lol
gotta love taxis on holiday.