I have new focus for my hatred.

[Nick]

I used to hate horseboxes.

I used to hate horseboxes with passion that I normally reserve for the French when they decide to have an impromptu flambé of a truck load of British lamb.

Now I have a new focus for this seething rage inside me and it’s the thing in-front of the horsebox, the 4x4 off-roader.

Now when these things first came on the market years ago, that market had pretty much been ruled by Land Rover who sold their off-road vehicles to the people who needed to go off-road… farmers and the army… and perhaps the more adventurous ‘outdoor type’ and that was it.

Then the Range Rover came out, which was essentially a Land Rover with carpets, a nice stereo and electric windows, which was aimed at the country gent type who needed to go off road to see about the drainage in the bottom field but couldn’t afford a smart car for his trips to the city on account of his wife Cissy spending all his crop subsidy on taffeta and pop socks.

Anyway, Range Rover showed there was a market for off-roaders for people who didn’t actually off-road all that often… and from there it’s but a short jump to off-roaders for people who never off-road at all.

I’ve always been mystified by just who wants to have one of these and it wasn’t until my next door neighbour bought one that I had the chance to find out. Of course, I’d spoke to 4x4 owners in the past, but normally this was either to yell at them for taking up two parking places or give them the ****** salute for not saying thank you when I gave way…

So why did the woman next door buy one?

“Because it’s safer in an accident.”

Is that it?

“Yes”

Rather mystified, I did a bit of research and yes, a 4x4 IS safer in an accident. But only for the people IN the 4x4.

You see your average 4x4 has tyres a couple of feet in diameter and normally a foot wide. It has a ground clearance that means you can work on the exhaust without having to put the thing up on a hydraulic ramp. And it has dirty great bull bars to make sure anything it hits, it goes over.

So yes, you’re sitting only slightly below the seat height of your average truck driver and you’ve got the 4x4’s famous ‘go anywhere’ ability…. but in this case it really should be ‘go over’ not ‘go anywhere’.

So I’m forced to the conclusion that all 4x4 drivers that don’t ever go off-road are a bunch of selfish bastards, including my next door neighbour.

Why?

Well, take my car. It’s an average four door family saloon. It has a 1.8 fuel injected engine, air con, electric everything and a rather good stereo. Safety features include the usual crumple zones, passenger rigid-cell cage, airbags and reactive seat-belts.

All of which are no bloody good at all when Mrs. Selfish rolls over the top of me in an accident.

Unless you’ve got yourself a rally quality roll cage installed, the weakest part of any car is its roof… believe me, I’ve been in enough upside down cars to know that although the roof can take a bit of a pounding, it’s never long before it collapses.

And guess where Mrs Selfish and her dirty great 4x4 are heading? In fact, guess where her 4x4 is DESIGNED to head? That’s right, straight over MY head.

The problem is, her car weighs in at around 3 tons… my car, even loaded with fuel and three fat relatives, weighs perhaps 2 tons at a push… it’s just not designed to take the weight of the road going version of BigFoot rumbling up my bonnet and across my windscreen.

The design of the new 4x4’s is, frankly, bloody criminal. The sodding things are made to go over the crumple zones that are there to protect me and my passengers.

If I’m ever unfortunate enough to be in an accident with a 4x4, probably the last thing I shall ever see is the Shogun badge on someone’s radiator grille.

But it’s not just the design of these things that’s worrying me. It’s the people who drive them that give me concern.

Such is the one-upmanship and fashion war of which off-roader to own that we’re rapidly falling into the American trap of massive engines powering massive vehicles.

Come on, be serious, who on earth needs a supercharged 3 litre V8 for doing the shopping and dropping the kids off at school?

Sure, a farmer might need something that powerful for pulling stuck cows out of the mud or hitching up and towing the combine harvester back to the barn, but for a trip to ASDA you need something that you can bloody well park.

And no, this isn’t a sexist rant. It’s the truth. Think about it. Mrs Selfish, in her selfish bloody fashion war has gone from a two door Ford Focus (ideal) to a 3 ton air conditioned road monster, so wide that it scarped it’s mirrors on BOTH SIDES of the bridges over the motorway and so long that the back of the damn thing is sometimes in a different time zone.

She’s not got a hope of ever being anything other than just in control… and only just.

Next time you’re out driving, look at the expression on that woman’s face as she trundles along. She’s not happy driving that thing. She’s, rightly, scared as hell. She can’t see where the front is and she has long ago given up trying to tell where the back is. Even on a dual carriageway she’s got both hands gripping the wheel with knuckle whitening tightness as even two lanes feel a bit narrow.

She’ll drive round and round Marks and Spencer’s car park, chewing up a gallon of petrol each minute while she looks for a space with an empty slot each side to then park diagonally in and then you might as well go back in and have a coffee in Starbucks as she attempts to reverse out, always stopping a good ten feet short of the cars opposite because she just can’t see them.

And why is this madness going on?

Because, when she does finally lose control, hit the accelerator by accident and unleash the full power of that 3 litre supercharged V8, all she’ll feel is a slight bump as her and her kids nip over the top of everything before stalling in somone’s living room.

You, of course, won’t feel quite the same thing: perhaps a bump as her wheels roll up your bonnet and then a quick snap when your neck goes as the roof caves in and you end up bent over like a paperclip… all in the name of safety, status and fashion.

Of course, I couldn’t end a blog entry on such a downbeat note, so here’s my antidote to this 4x4 insanity.

First, stick a massive and I mean ENORMOUS road tax on 4x4 vehicles. Farmers will be fine as they can claim it back. Recreationists, sorry, tough luck. 4x4 soft-roaders, hah! You bought it, now pay the price for it.

Second, add in the requirement for an off-road driving skills license. Make it hugely expensive and the training will only available in Pembrokeshire. Oh, and make the course so tough that it knackers your 4x4 if you get it wrong.

And lastly, the exit road from any dealership selling 4x4s must include a four foot ditch, a 65 degree slope with the drive running ACROSS it and speed bumps made from loose piles of old telegraph poles, preferably on fire.

That little lot should sort out the selfish fashion mums from the true off-roader.

Of course, this will never happen, as the government is far too happy making masses of money from the import duty on these dirty great killing machines.

So in my impatience, I’ve bought my own land monster. It’s not much of a status symbol and the fuel consumption is terrible but even the most selfish, incompetent driver of the largest 4x4 on the planet gives way to me now.

Yes, if there’s one thing that make everyone get out of the way, it’s one of these.

[Agent]

Nick
If you send that to your MP, you can have a paid night out on me

[[GSV]Trig]

We just bought an Izusu Trooper SWB 3.2Ltr V6, sounds nice but its crap to drive on the motorway, the play in the steering wheel is a right PITA and due to it being the SWB it wont fit the dogs in it in about 6 months time.

[Howard]

A little bit of me died as soon as I saw you bought that Trig


Nick... You have a way with words like no other man. I agree fully, and could never have worded it that eloquently!

[Mike Fishcake]

Vote Nick for Prime Minister!

*waves flag*

Brilliant, just brilliant.

[kalniel]

Don't just stick a road tax hike though - all that happens is they'll pay it then drive the things even more to make the most out of their money.

Put up prices on petrol or charge a mileage tax and while it might not stop people buying these things, it'll hopefully encourage them not to go on the road as often.

[Steve B]

and for all those off-road mums to make it look like they've actually been doing something wild...
Spray-on Mud?

[[GSV]Trig]

Originally Posted by Howard

A little bit of me died as soon as I saw you bought that Trig

How do you think I feel mate, driving around at half my normal speed....

[teachmech]

[Take a deep breath and wait for the flames]

What about those people who can only get home in bad weather because they have a 4x4?

When its icy or there is snow down the only thing that moves where I live are 4x4's. No four wheel drive then you don't get home.

Just for the record I drive a 1.5 Terios.

[Nick]

How often is it icy or snowy?

And by icy or snowy I mean so icy and snowy that a 4x4 is the only thing that can cope?

Not that often, if at all.

The last time it really snowed, which was January 28th, 2005, (I know becuase it was my eldest's birthday) it took me five hours to do a 45 minute drive home.

There was nothing that my front wheel drive 407 couldn't handle, it was just the sheer stupidity of other drivers having absolutely NO idea how to drive in slippery conditions. I was sat immediately behnid one woman who blew the engine on her Micra because she just stuck it in first gear and revved it stupid when the wheels spun at the roundabout...

The actual amount of snow wasn't more than 8 inches or so but everyone drives like a complete plum either treating the snow as if it isn't there (and crashing) or being stupidly over-cautious and driving along gritted roads at 5 mph, or not understanding at all how you should handle your car in slippery conditions.

Now unless you have a house halfway up Ben Nevis, given this country's climate, I can't think of any time you'd actually need worry about snow and ice for more than a day or two.

I used to live in the middle of the Chilterns, on top of a bloody great hill, surrounded by more bloody great hills. The ONLY way to get home, even in the worst of the snow and ice, was to go up and down at least three large hills... I managed it in my lowly front wheek drive Astra and my dad did it in his rear wheel drive Carlton... no 4x4 needed there!

I fully understand that a 4x4 makes things easier, but how often is it actually necessary/essential? Not that often, I'll bet!

[BigFatCat]

I'd say most 4x4 mothers never drive in the snowdrifts that aren't on the 250yd trip that comprises the school run.

[Steve B]

or to the hairdressers and manicurists.

[chuckskull]

Brilliantly written rant and i agree completely, some people need a 4x4 most people dont. I was pretty much raised on the back of a motorbike, so I have a passionate for discoverys in particular and more over there drivers nothing like trying to squeeze between a 3ton jeep and oncoming traffic to wake you up, just because the driver decided he was too important to wait 10 seconds for the bike to pass.

My used to have a Lada jeep (russian army thing) for what he called anger management. Which mainly involed a welsh hill a full tank of gas and a huge amount of countyside getting destroyed

[Steve B]

my girlfriends uncle has a Chrysler uber-jumbo-thingy. Its got a buttons on the inside to open the doors, a screen that folds down from the roof so you can watch TV, and a button to open the boot. Since when did playing i-spy and using door handles become so old-fashioned?

[Nick]

Hehe, you'll love this.

A true story my missus has just told me:

A couple of years ago it was extremely icy on the roads.

My missus dropped our eldest off at school and went to work as normal.

When she picked her up that afternoon, she found out that a few kids hadn't gone to school as it was too icy to get in.

The following morning the ice had gone and my missus got chatting to one of the other mums who said it was so bad that she couldn't even reverse her car off the drive the day before.

She lives 400 yards from us.

My wife was driving a Rover 214... the woman who couldn't get off the drive was driving a BMW X5....

[Steve B]

thats exactly it though, the X5 isn't specifically designed for off-roading. its aimed at these sorts of people!