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Thread: Being John Malkovitch

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    HEXUS.timelord. Zak33's Avatar
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    Being John Malkovitch

    Who wants it?

    On DVD?

    For free......


    ALL you gotta do is tell me a joke. If its' good...the film is yours.

    Quote Originally Posted by Advice Trinity by Knoxville
    "The second you aren't paying attention to the tool you're using, it will take your fingers from you. It does not know sympathy." |
    "If you don't gaffer it, it will gaffer you" | "Belt and braces"

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    Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
    Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
    "Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
    "Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went `ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!' and before he could say `f*%& OFF!' the dog ate him!"
    Do I win?

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    Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."
    "What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?"
    "No, that's the problem. He doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer."
    Did I win yet?

  4. #4
    Cute & Fluffy GreenPiggy's Avatar
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    A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house.
    Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard.
    I'm lost, said the man.
    Can you put me up for the night? Certainly, the Chinese man said, but one condition.
    If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.
    OK, said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
    Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs.
    She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body.
    She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
    Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
    During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion.
    He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
    He woke to feel a pressure on his chest.
    Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, Chinese
    Torture 1: Large rock on chest. Well, that's pretty crappy, he thought.
    If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about.
    He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.
    As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.
    In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut.
    Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
    As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read,
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost
    Knight 1: We are now no longer the Knights who say Ni.
    Knight 2: NI.
    Other Knights: Shh...
    Knight 1: We are now the Knights who say..."Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG. Zoom-Boing. Z'nourrwringmm.

  5. #5
    Drop it like it's hot Howard's Avatar
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    A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful
    parrot. There was a sign on the
    cage that read $50.00.

    "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

    The owner said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live
    in a house of prostitution and sometimes says some pretty vulgar stuff."

    The woman thought about this but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
    She took it home and
    hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say
    something.

    The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said; "New house, new
    madam."

    The woman was a bit shocked at the implication but then thought, "That's
    not so bad."

    When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and
    said; "New house, new madam, new hookers."

    The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about
    the situation.

    Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird
    looked at him and said; "Hi Keith."
    Home cinema: Toshiba 42XV555DB Full HD LCD | Onkyo TX-SR705 | NAD C352 | Monitor Audio Bronze B2 | Monitor Audio Bronze C | Monitor Audio Bronze BFX | Yamaha NSC120 | BK Monolith sub | Toshiba HD-EP35 HD-DVD | Samsung BD-P1400 BluRay Player | Pioneer DV-575 | Squeezebox3 | Virgin Media V+ Box
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  6. #6
    Flower Child stytagm's Avatar
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    An old man is at death's door, but being a bit of an oddball he wants to take his money with him after death. To ensure this happens he contacts his Doctor, his Lawyer and his Priest. He gives each of the three men £10,000 cash, and asks that when he die's, they place the money in his coffin so he can take it with him to the afterlife.

    The old man duly dies, and at his funeral his Doctor, Priest and Lawyer all put an envelope in his coffin before he is buried. On the way to the wake the Three men are sharing a car when the priest breaks down crying:
    "Oh I can't take the shame, I only put £6000 in the envelope, but the local Orphanage needed it's roof repaired, and I gave in"

    At this the Doctor also breaks down:
    "Oh the shame, I only put £2000 in the envelope, the hospital needed a new dialysis machine and so I took some of the money to pay for it"

    In the reply to this the Lawyer looks shocked and says:
    "I'm ashamed of you both, taking that dead man's money like that, breaching the trust he had in you and in the positions you hold. I should like you to know that my envelope contained my personal cheque for the full £10,000."
    PS I don't want the DVD I've allready got it, why are you getting rid of it Zak??
    They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

  7. #7
    Drop it like it's hot Howard's Avatar
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    I want it I love that film
    Home cinema: Toshiba 42XV555DB Full HD LCD | Onkyo TX-SR705 | NAD C352 | Monitor Audio Bronze B2 | Monitor Audio Bronze C | Monitor Audio Bronze BFX | Yamaha NSC120 | BK Monolith sub | Toshiba HD-EP35 HD-DVD | Samsung BD-P1400 BluRay Player | Pioneer DV-575 | Squeezebox3 | Virgin Media V+ Box
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  8. #8
    HEXUS.timelord. Zak33's Avatar
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    they are all funny as hell

    I'm really pleased and shocked..I honestly thought the good jokes had died this year, but that lot are ace.

    I'll ponder

    Quote Originally Posted by Advice Trinity by Knoxville
    "The second you aren't paying attention to the tool you're using, it will take your fingers from you. It does not know sympathy." |
    "If you don't gaffer it, it will gaffer you" | "Belt and braces"

  9. #9
    HEXUS.timelord. Zak33's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by stytagm
    PS I don't want the DVD I've allready got it, why are you getting rid of it Zak??
    Its.....too off balance for me. I was laughing to start with, but once the bloke AND his wife both fancied the same woman, I lost it

    Quote Originally Posted by Advice Trinity by Knoxville
    "The second you aren't paying attention to the tool you're using, it will take your fingers from you. It does not know sympathy." |
    "If you don't gaffer it, it will gaffer you" | "Belt and braces"

  10. #10
    HEXUS.timelord. Zak33's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Howard
    The bird
    looked at him and said; "Hi Keith."
    Simplicity wins...

    Hi Keith did it for me

    PM me your addy mate..I'll post it this week

    Quote Originally Posted by Advice Trinity by Knoxville
    "The second you aren't paying attention to the tool you're using, it will take your fingers from you. It does not know sympathy." |
    "If you don't gaffer it, it will gaffer you" | "Belt and braces"

  11. #11
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    Ohhh, but I had a cracker!!

    Two men are looking in on a electronics shop window.
    One points toward a TV and says to the other, "That's the one i'd get".
    At which point a Cyclops walks around the corner and kicks his head in.
    To err is human. To really foul things up ... you need a computer.

  12. #12
    Now with added sobriety Rave's Avatar
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    I know a great joke too, but it's rather rude and involves a pun, so I think it'd lose a little being written down.

    Rich :¬)

  13. #13
    HEXUS.Metal Knoxville's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zak33
    Its.....too off balance for me. I was laughing to start with, but once the bloke AND his wife both fancied the same woman, I lost it

    Shame, Its a good film if you can get into it, To be fair though after i saw it once I never really saw myself watching it again

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