Why can't owls mate when it's raining???
Because it's usually too wet to woo
/buddum.. tishh
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Why can't owls mate when it's raining???
Because it's usually too wet to woo
/buddum.. tishh
:lol: nice one
:stop: lol
Someone told me one other day.
Girl runs into a police station with ripped clothes shouting "I've been graped!"
Policeman says "Calm down love, what did you say?"
Girl says "I've been graped!"
Policeman "Are you sure you don't mean raped?"
Girl "No, there was a bunch of em!"
Dunno if you've heard it before but I hadn't lol
This morning, I accidentally tipped a bottle of Domestos all over an officer of the law.
I was arrested for bleach of the police.
:rolleyes:
*loads gun* "Its ok boy, ill put you out of your missery"Quote:
Originally Posted by Clunk
:lol: criminal comedy
I think this thead title is a misnomer
the OP's juke was funny :D
(stolen from another site im on).....
HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE
Both look stupid in hats.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have "hip" problems.
Neither understand football.
Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Both constantly want back rubs.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
Both put too much value on kissing.
***** HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS *****
It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.
Women look good in sweaters.
WHAT ABOUT THE DOGSSSSSSSS MAAAN?Quote:
Originally Posted by finlay666
ugly women or canines?Quote:
Originally Posted by XA04
My pair of hounds look ace in their jumpers thankee very much :)Quote:
Originally Posted by finlay666
I went to an acupuncturist's the other day.
When I got back home I discovered that my voodoo doll had died.
ROTFLMAO!!!!!! :bowdown:Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Fishcake
Mike please update the exam papers on teamfishcake, they are highly entertaining.
What's about a foot long, hard, pink and makes a woman scream in the morning?
punchline deleted.
*gets coat and prays he isn't banned*
OOOOOOH !!!! :Oops:
man that is bad taste, if that had happened to me or someone I know I would be really offended by it.
I would suggest you edit it out for now and run it by a mod/admin to see if they think its acceptable
Yeah, point taken. Probably a joke you can only tell to people whose history you know.Quote:
Originally Posted by finlay666
Badass - I can't claim responsibility for that one unfortunately. It's from the mouth of a comedian called Gary Delaney. I love him :)
Tom - Cheers for the comments :)
I'd come close to banning you, but probably put it down to a moment's indiscretion. Very, very, very bad taste though. Disapointing to think that anyone believes that to be acceptable at any level.Quote:
Originally Posted by simonfitba
And now I can't tell my 'What's pink, red, and sits in the corner crying?' joke....
A badly sunburnt emo? :pQuote:
Originally Posted by ibm
The mods are watching.
Keep the jokes clean and stupid.
(And thanks for having the sense to moderate yourselves)
:)
Heh, I know that one, and several others which are possibly worse.
Anyway, did you know that Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard? He also was quite a very spiritual guy, though after going on a hunger strike, he became thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet of raw grains, he ended up with very bad breath.
Yeah, he was a Super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
*Flees those seeking revenge on bad puns*
NOW you asked for it on bad puns!!!!!!!
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the banker. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
:lol: Nice one Finlay
did you hear about the man who fell in love with two schoolbags?
he was a bisatchel.
I have a slightly iffy one....no swearing or anything as such but i'll throw caution to the wind and go for it.....
A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's flatmate Simon was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flatmate than met the eye.
Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates."
About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?"
"Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure" said Paul.
He sat down and wrote:
DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER. LOVE PAUL
Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother that read:
DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE Flipping (as it was obviously for pancakes ;)) FRYING PAN BY NOW.
LOVE MUM
There was a Daddy Balloon a Mummy balloon and a baby balloon. One night they were getting ready for bed and Baby balloon wanted to sleep in his mummy and daddy's bed.
Daddy Balloon said " You are too old to sleep in our bed. It is time you started sleeping in your own bed. So off you go"
Sadly baby balloon trooped of to his own bed. Later that night he crept into his parents room and tried to climb in with them. But there was not enough room. So very carefully he reached down and let a little air out of his Dad. He tried to get in but there was still not enough room. So he reached down and let a little air out of his Mum. He tried again to climb in, but there still was not quite enough room. So he reached down and let out a little of his own air. He climbed back into the bed and fitted in perfectly between his parents. He was soon asleep. In the morning when Daddy balloon woke up he was very very cross.
He turned to baby balloon and said.
" I told you that you are too old now to sleep in our bed and you have disobeyed me. You have let me down, your mother down and worst of all you have let yourself down."
I've heard that but with a teenager balloon playing with needles and showing off and the punchline was:
Grow up...it's just a little prick
Clunk - hahahahahahaha i've never heard that one before.
That's bloody brilliant :D
Did you hear about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?
wiped his bum afterwads?
I guess you dont frequent b3ta.com then ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by ibm
That sites gonna get like 50 more hits then it would have done without the reference now :PQuote:
Originally Posted by badass
*Unless Woolmer's widow is on these forums, I reckon I'm safe this time*
Nope.
B3ta probably gets at least 50 hits per second :)Quote:
Originally Posted by 666moe666
Guys, keep the joke clean and funny.
If you can't I'll dump the thread.
Here's my contribution:
A man walks into a drum kit...
Buddum-tish!
Was there any clatter-al damage?
[QUOTE=Nick;1040381]Guys, keep the joke clean and funny.
If you can't I'll dump the thread.
[QUOTE]
Sorry mate but that joke was clean and it was funny. Laughter is people's defence mechinism to the awful things that happen in the world. It's theraputic.
Okay, my first effort was over the mark but there was nothing wrong with the second one.
Obviously you didn't find it funny and you set the tone here, but I just wanted to put in my two cents.
BTW. My dog's got no nose....
Poor thing !!!! :embarrassed:
I like B3ta so that wouldn't bother me :DQuote:
Originally Posted by 666moe666
Just thought I'd say, mike fishcake, that's a blimmin good website :thumbsup:
Which one? Team Fishcake or b3ta? :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Elyk
This made me laugh the other day when I heard it, hope it does the same for the rest of you...
A female primary school teacher is in class talking to the children and asks one of them,
"If there are 3 birds sitting on a fence and someone shoots one of them, how many are left?"
And then the child replies,
"None miss"
"Im afraid that the wrong answer, it’s actually 2, how did you come up with none?"
"Well miss one of them would be killed and the other 2 will fly away from the sound of the gun shot"
The teacher is impressed with this and tells the kid,
"Well although that’s the wrong answer I like the way your thinking, well done"
With this the child pipes up and asks the teacher if he can ask her a question...
"Well of course, what is it?"
"There’s 3 women sitting on a bench eating lolly pops, one is lightly licking it, one is sucking it and the other is biting it. Which one is married?"
The teacher turns and looks out the window thinking about the answer for a moment and then suddenly turns round and asks,
"The women licking it?"
"No miss, its the women with the wedding ring on, but I like the way your thinking!"
hehe thats not bad:D
What's the best way to drive through fog ?
In your car.
Why are babies so fragile ?
They're put together with one screw.
Two elephants fall off a cliff...
...boom boom
MPM :lol:
Heheheh, I like these two :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by bigblue