Page 2 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast
Results 17 to 32 of 69

Thread: serious lack of jokes on here!

  1. #17
    Banned
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Location
    Midlands
    Posts
    8,629
    Thanks
    24
    Thanked
    268 times in 188 posts

    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    Quote Originally Posted by Fraz View Post
    A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
    The bartender looks puzzled and says, "No."
    Duck asks the same question. "Got any grapes?"
    "No, this is a bar. We don't have any grapes," the bartender says.
    The duck again asks, "Got any grapes?"
    The bartender loses it. "Listen, we don't have any grapes. Now get out of
    here. And if you come back again, I'll take a hammer and nails and nail
    your friggin' webbed feet to the floor."
    The duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns. "You got any nails?"
    The bartender says, "No."
    The duck perks up. "Got any grapes?"


    Ahahhahahhahhsh hahahahha! Well, I think it's funny.
    And it is.

  2. #18
    Kirstie Allsopp Theo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Sunny Bolton
    Posts
    2,777
    Thanks
    17
    Thanked
    23 times in 20 posts
    • Theo's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Asus P5B Wifi deluxe
      • CPU:
      • E6600 @ 3150Mhz
      • Memory:
      • 2x2GB OCZ 6400
      • Storage:
      • 1x80GB Maxtor
      • Graphics card(s):
      • 640MB 8800GT
      • Monitor(s):
      • ASUS M221u
      • Internet:
      • Be Value

    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    A few extracts from a book I've had since 1987. Originally printed in 1982 - "1000 More Jokes for Kids" by Michael Kilgariff.

    "My dog's got not legs. I call him cigarette."
    "Why?"
    "'Cos every night I take him out for a drag."

    "My budgie lays square eggs."
    "That's amazing! Can it talk, too?"
    "Yes, but only one word."
    "What's that?"
    "Ouch."

    What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?
    -Unlawful means against the law. Illegal is a sick bird.

    "My dog's bone idle."
    "Is he?"
    "Yesterday I was watering the garden, and he wouldn't lift a leg to help me!"

    When do elephants have six feet?
    -When there are 4 of them.

    If a flea and a fly pass each other, what time is it?
    -Fly past flea.

    What did the father phone say to the son phone?
    -"You're too young to be engaged."

    Where did the policeman live?
    -Nine nine nine Let's-Be Avenue.

    How do you stop a cockerel crowing on Sunday?
    -Cook him on Saturday.

    If a man was born in Australia, worked in America and died in Europe, what is he?
    -Dead.

    "I'm divorcing my wife for smoking in bed."
    "That doesn't sound all that serious."
    "Oh, she doesn't smoke cigarettes."
    "What does she smoke, then?"
    "Bacon."

    "Are you married?"
    "Yes."
    "Children?"
    "Three boys and six girls."
    "That's nine altogether."
    "No - one at a time."

    "In China," said the returned tourist, "I saw a woman hanging from a tree."
    "Shanghai?"
    "No, about six foot off the ground."

    Did you hear about the man who keeps his wife under the bed?
    -He thinks she's a little potty!

    Verse and Worse

    There was a young lady called Hardwick,
    By a cricket ball she was struck.
    And now you can read on her tombstone:
    'Hardwick, hard ball, hard luck!'

    Hickory Dickory Dock,
    Three mice ran up the clock.
    The clock struck one,
    And the other two got away with minor injuries...

    November the Fifth has come and gone,
    But thoughts of it still linger.
    I held a banger in my hand -
    Has anybody seen my finger?

    The Dachshund's a dog of German descent;
    Whose tail never knew where his front end went.

    Mary had a little lamb,
    It had a touch of colic.
    She gave it brandy twice a day -
    And now it's alcoholic.

    Mary had a little lamb,
    It leapt around in hops.
    It gambolled in the road on day,
    And finished up as chops.

    Mary Rose
    Sat on a pin.
    Mary Rose.

    'Twas in a cafe that they first met,
    Romeo and Juliet.
    And there he first ran into debt -
    For Rome-owed for what Juli-ate!

    A famous painter
    Met his death;
    Because he couldn't
    Draw his breath.


    -edit

    Gosh, I didn't realise how many I'd typed!

  3. #19
    IBM
    IBM is offline
    there but for the grace of God, go I IBM's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    West London
    Posts
    4,187
    Thanks
    149
    Thanked
    244 times in 145 posts
    • IBM's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Asus P5K Deluxe
      • CPU:
      • Intel E6600 Core2Duo 2.40GHz
      • Memory:
      • 2x2GB kit (1GBx2), Ballistix 240-pin DIMM, DDR2 PC2-6400
      • Storage:
      • 150G WD SATA 10k RAPTOR, 500GB WD SATA Enterprise
      • Graphics card(s):
      • Leadtek NVIDIA GeForce PX8800GTS 640MB
      • PSU:
      • CORSAIR HX 620W MODULAR PSU
      • Case:
      • Antec P182 Black Case
      • Monitor(s):
      • Dell 2407WPF A04
      • Internet:
      • domestic zoom

    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    I had that book. It was very bad.
    sig removed by Zak33

  4. #20
    Kirstie Allsopp Theo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Sunny Bolton
    Posts
    2,777
    Thanks
    17
    Thanked
    23 times in 20 posts
    • Theo's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Asus P5B Wifi deluxe
      • CPU:
      • E6600 @ 3150Mhz
      • Memory:
      • 2x2GB OCZ 6400
      • Storage:
      • 1x80GB Maxtor
      • Graphics card(s):
      • 640MB 8800GT
      • Monitor(s):
      • ASUS M221u
      • Internet:
      • Be Value

    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    Absolutely terrible. I used to love it though - for a good while it was the main source of my entertainment in the car journey to primary school every morning... Until Gladiators released an album with all the songs form the TV show, that is.

  5. #21
    Flat cap, Whippets, Cave. Clunk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Posts
    11,056
    Thanks
    360
    Thanked
    725 times in 459 posts

    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    Two pubic hairs on a urinal, and one says "Not seen you for a while, where've you been?" and the other one says "Oh, I got pissed off".
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen View Post
    stupid betond belief.
    You owe it to yourself to click here really.

  6. #22
    IBM
    IBM is offline
    there but for the grace of God, go I IBM's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    West London
    Posts
    4,187
    Thanks
    149
    Thanked
    244 times in 145 posts
    • IBM's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Asus P5K Deluxe
      • CPU:
      • Intel E6600 Core2Duo 2.40GHz
      • Memory:
      • 2x2GB kit (1GBx2), Ballistix 240-pin DIMM, DDR2 PC2-6400
      • Storage:
      • 150G WD SATA 10k RAPTOR, 500GB WD SATA Enterprise
      • Graphics card(s):
      • Leadtek NVIDIA GeForce PX8800GTS 640MB
      • PSU:
      • CORSAIR HX 620W MODULAR PSU
      • Case:
      • Antec P182 Black Case
      • Monitor(s):
      • Dell 2407WPF A04
      • Internet:
      • domestic zoom

    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    You're just making these up
    sig removed by Zak33

  7. #23
    Beard hat ftw! steve threlfall's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    West Midlands
    Posts
    6,745
    Thanks
    302
    Thanked
    195 times in 124 posts
    • steve threlfall's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Gigabyte Z77-D3H
      • CPU:
      • Core i5-3570K
      • Memory:
      • 8GB Corsair Vengeance DDR3
      • Storage:
      • Samsung 830 256
      • Graphics card(s):
      • Radeon HD6870
      • PSU:
      • Corsair HX750
      • Case:
      • Antec P280
      • Operating System:
      • Windows 7 Home Premium 64bit
      • Monitor(s):
      • Dell 2407 WFP 24" Widescreen, Rev A04
      • Internet:
      • Virgin 120/12 mb

    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    Dr Dr, i think i have tom jones fever

    Well... its not unusual


  8. #24
    Get in the van. Fraz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Bristol
    Posts
    2,919
    Thanks
    284
    Thanked
    397 times in 231 posts
    • Fraz's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Gigabyte X58A-UD5
      • CPU:
      • Watercooled i7-980X @ 4.2 GHz
      • Memory:
      • 24GB Crucial DDR3-1333
      • Storage:
      • 240 GB Vertex2E + 2 TB of Disk
      • Graphics card(s):
      • Water-cooled Sapphire 7970 @ 1175/1625
      • PSU:
      • Enermax Modu87+
      • Case:
      • Corsair 700D
      • Operating System:
      • Linux Mint 12 / Windows 7
      • Monitor(s):
      • Dell 30" 3008WFP and two Dell 24" 2412M
      • Internet:
      • Virgin Media 60 Mbps

    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    Quote Originally Posted by Theo View Post
    "My budgie lays square eggs."
    "That's amazing! Can it talk, too?"
    "Yes, but only one word."
    "What's that?"
    "Ouch."

    "I'm divorcing my wife for smoking in bed."
    "That doesn't sound all that serious."
    "Oh, she doesn't smoke cigarettes."
    "What does she smoke, then?"
    "Bacon."
    Amazin!

  9. #25
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Cornwall/Weston-Super-Mare
    Posts
    5,337
    Thanks
    438
    Thanked
    309 times in 262 posts
    • Behemoth's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Gigabyte mATX
      • CPU:
      • Phenom 2 X2 555 BE
      • Memory:
      • 8 Gig DDR3 Corsair XMS 3 1600 MHz
      • Storage:
      • 4 TB's Storage
      • Graphics card(s):
      • Gigabyte GTX 460 OC2
      • PSU:
      • OCZ StealthStream 2 600 Watt
      • Case:
      • Silverstone TJ08-E
      • Operating System:
      • Windows 7 64 Bit
      • Monitor(s):
      • HP x23LED
      • Internet:
      • BT Broadband

    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    Here's a few better ones from me

    Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
    Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.
    Husband: How does that help?
    Wife: I use your toothbrush.

    A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

    The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

    The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

    The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

    A man is sitting in a pub having a quiet drink when a prostitute sits next to him and says :

    "I'll do anything you want for £3 pounds, but the trick is you have to tell me what you want me to do using only three words" She says

    He Smiles, lines up three £1 coins and says really slowly "Paint . . . . . My . . . . . House"

    That should do it lol

  10. #26
    Pseudo-Mad Scientist Whiternoise's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Surrey
    Posts
    4,274
    Thanks
    166
    Thanked
    386 times in 233 posts
    • Whiternoise's system
      • Motherboard:
      • DFI LANPARTY JR P45-T2RS
      • CPU:
      • Q6600
      • Memory:
      • 8GB DDR2
      • Storage:
      • 5.6TB Total
      • Graphics card(s):
      • HD4780
      • PSU:
      • 425W Modu82+ Enermax
      • Case:
      • Silverstone TJ08b
      • Operating System:
      • Win7 64
      • Monitor(s):
      • Dell 23" IPS
      • Internet:
      • 1Gbps Fibre Line

    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    Little Miss Muffet,
    Sat on a tuffet,
    Legs and fingers entwined,
    Little Jack Horner,
    Crept up beside her,
    [and shouted]
    "Watch out, it'll make you go blind!"

  11. #27
    Banned
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Location
    Midlands
    Posts
    8,629
    Thanks
    24
    Thanked
    268 times in 188 posts

    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    An Ewok walks into a butchers shop and forgets why.

  12. #28
    WEEEEEEEEEEEEE! MadduckUK's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Lytham St. Annes
    Posts
    17,297
    Thanks
    653
    Thanked
    1,580 times in 1,006 posts
    • MadduckUK's system
      • Motherboard:
      • MSI B450M Mortar
      • CPU:
      • AMD Ryzen 5 3600
      • Memory:
      • 32GB 3200 DDR4
      • Storage:
      • 1x480GB SSD, 1x 2TB Hybrid, 1x 3TB Rust Spinner
      • Graphics card(s):
      • Radeon 5700XT
      • PSU:
      • Corsair TX750w
      • Case:
      • Phanteks Enthoo Evolv mATX
      • Operating System:
      • Windows 10 x64
      • Monitor(s):
      • Samsung SJ55W, DELL S2409W
      • Internet:
      • Plusnet 80

    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    this truly is the thread where jokes come to die isnt it?
    Quote Originally Posted by Ephesians
    Do not be drunk with wine, which will ruin you, but be filled with the Spirit
    Vodka

  13. #29
    Flat cap, Whippets, Cave. Clunk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Posts
    11,056
    Thanks
    360
    Thanked
    725 times in 459 posts

    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    Quote Originally Posted by MadduckUK View Post
    this truly is the thread where jokes come to die isnt it?
    Two peanuts walking down the road, one was assaulted.
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen View Post
    stupid betond belief.
    You owe it to yourself to click here really.

  14. #30
    Banned
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Location
    Midlands
    Posts
    8,629
    Thanks
    24
    Thanked
    268 times in 188 posts

    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    Quote Originally Posted by Clunk View Post
    Two peanuts walking down the road, one was assaulted.


    No much reaction to that joke...





    Everythings gone quiet...





    Maybe a little too quiet...





    OMFG! THIS THREADS ABOUT TO BLOW!




    Run...






    Go...




    Last edited by Stewart; 12-09-2007 at 12:00 AM.

  15. #31
    Flat cap, Whippets, Cave. Clunk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Posts
    11,056
    Thanks
    360
    Thanked
    725 times in 459 posts

    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    Doctor Doctor, I keep thinking that people are taking pictures of me.

    I think you're being Polaroid.
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen View Post
    stupid betond belief.
    You owe it to yourself to click here really.

  16. #32
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Posts
    11,895
    Thanks
    834
    Thanked
    524 times in 363 posts

    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    Whats the difference between light and hard.



    You can sleep with the light on.

Page 2 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. HEXUS.gaming :: The First 15 : Serious Sam 2
    By Nick in forum HEXUS News
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 03-07-2008, 09:23 AM
  2. Replies: 0
    Last Post: 20-10-2005, 09:46 AM
  3. Replies: 5
    Last Post: 19-10-2005, 09:09 AM
  4. Serious Sam 2
    By Nick in forum HEXUS News
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 16-06-2005, 09:49 AM
  5. Serious Sam
    By Pete in forum Gaming
    Replies: 13
    Last Post: 20-12-2003, 07:36 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •