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Thread: serious lack of jokes on here!

  1. #33
    CMC
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    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    Quote Originally Posted by [GSV]Trig View Post
    Whats the difference between light and hard.



    You can sleep with the light on.
    lmao

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    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    A company hires five cannibals to join its staff. On the first day, the head of HR meets with them and says, "We've brought you on board based on your references, and we think we and you can reach an understanding. We'll be providing you with daily meals, and you'll be able to work within your own group, so there shouldn't be any problem. Just don't mess with other department's head counts." The cannibals agreed, and got down to work.

    Things worked out pretty well for about six weeks, at which time HR called the cannibals in for another meeting. The head of HR started out diplomatically, "Gentlemen, we've had a pretty good run so far. You've produced good work, and the other departments have nothing but good things to say about your team. Unfortunately, one of our janitors has disappeared, and the head office has asked me to question you about it. Do any of you know what happened to the janitor?"

    All of the cannibals shook their heads, and protested that they had nothing to do with it. The head of HR said, "I understand, but you must realize that I have to put you on probation until this matter is cleared up." With that, the head of HR left the cannibals alone.

    The lead cannibal looked at the others and said, "Awright, which one of you dip****s ate the janitor?" There was an embarassed silence until one of the cannibals in the back sheepishly raised his hand.

    The lead cannibal walked over to him, dope-slapped him upside the back of his head, and said "You idiot! I've let you eat all the Team Leaders and Project Managers you wanted, because nobody would notice... but nooooo, you just had to go and eat the janitor!"

    (Thanks Evilmunky)
    Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet intakes.

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    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    Little Jane came home from school and told her mother "Little Johnny showed me his willy today. It was like a peanut."

    Her mother smiled "Was it really, really small? Is that why it was like a peanut?"

    "No. Salty"

    (Thanks Evilmunky)
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    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    While I was watching the Top Gear 24 Hour Special last weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

    During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

    She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

    Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartarse.

    ----------------------------------------------------------

    A willing suspension of disbelief is needed for this one.


    A 70 year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year-old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

    The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doctor, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

    The doctor was appalled! "You asked your neighbour?" the old man replied, "Yes, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the damned jar open!"

    -------------------------------------------------------------

    A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.

    The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"

    -------------------------------------------------------------

    One day Little Johnny's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in "your" son's closet."

    He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

    Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think we should spank him."

    -------------------------------------------------------------

    A Londoner, a Welshman and a Yorkshireman were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

    The Londoner says, "I'll take poison, please." The chief gives him some poison, the Londoner says, "Up yours" and drinks it down.

    The Welshman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "Yakky dah!" and blows his brains out.

    The Yorkshireman says, "I'll tek a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a big fork. The Yorkshireman takes the fork and starts stabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.

    There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

    The Yorkshireman looks at the chief and says, "So much for thy canoe, arsehole!"

    (Thanks Evilmunky)
    Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet intakes.

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    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    What do you call a blonde with a runny nose ?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Full !

    (Bad, bad

  6. #38
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    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    UUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

    sig removed by Zak33

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    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    Sorry.. did I just kill the thread ??

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    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    I love this. It's very clever and very well-observed. I have left the arcane American references in place deliberately.

    The Blues


    1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning ..."

    2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

    3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes...sort of:
    "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
    Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
    Got teeth like Amy Winehouse, and she weigh 500 pound."

    4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.

    5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.
    Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.
    Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

    6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
    Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

    7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues.
    You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

    8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is.
    Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

    9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

    10. Good places for the Blues:
    a. highway
    b. jailhouse
    c. empty bed
    d. bottom of a whiskey glass
    Bad places:
    a. Dillard's
    b. gallery openings
    c. Ivy League institutions
    d. golf courses

    11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person and you slept in it.

    12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
    Yes, if:
    a. you older than dirt
    b. you blind
    c. you shot a man in Memphis
    d. you can't be satisfied
    No, if:
    a. you have all your teeth
    b. you once were blind but now can see
    c. the man in Memphis lived
    d. you have a 401(k) or trust fund

    13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

    14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.

    Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
    a. cheap wine
    b. whiskey or bourbon
    c. muddy water
    d. nasty black coffee
    The following are NOT Blues beverages:
    a. Perrier
    b. Chardonnay
    c. Snapple
    d. Slim Fast

    15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken-down cot.
    You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

    16. Some Blues names for women:
    a. Sadie
    b. Big Mama
    c. Bessie
    d. Fat River Dumpling

    17. Some Blues names for men:
    a. Joe
    b. Willie
    c. Little Willie
    d. Big Willie

    18. Women named Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

    19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
    a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
    b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
    c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
    For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well,maybe not "Kiwi.")

    20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues.com.

    (Thanks Evilmunky)
    Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet intakes.

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    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    Whats pink, hard, and full of seamen







    A pink submarine...

  10. #42
    CMC
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    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    whats pink and hard in the morning?









    The Financial Times Crossword...

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    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    Whats the difference between and egg and a wa*k?


    You can beat an egg!

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    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    A Scotsman is at a bar with his son. Over some single-malt, as they look at the window at the sea, the Scotsman says, "Son, do you see that boat over there? I built that boat with my own two hands. I hewed the planks, I nailed the beams, I pitched the hull -- I did everything. But do they call me an arkwright? No.

    "And do you see that fence in the field there? I built that fence with my own two hands. I hewed the planks, I drove the posts, I strung the wire -- I did everything. But do they call me a fence-builder? No.

    "And do you see this bar here? I built this bar with my own two hands. I hewed the planks, I sanded the wood, I carved the design -- I did everything. But do they call me a carpenter? No.

    "But you **** one goat ...."

    (Thanks Evilmunky)
    Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet intakes.

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    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    World's Shortest and most beautiful Fairytale

    Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl
    said "No" and she lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank
    wine with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a
    closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted
    on.
    The End

  14. #46
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    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    A little boy was at a wedding.
    He turned to his mum and asked her "Why is the bride wearing white?"
    His mum replied "Because white is the colour of happiness and this is the happiest day of her life."
    The boy thinks about this for a moment then says "So why is the groom in black?"

    ---------------------------------

    A little boy was at a wedding.
    He turned to his dad and asked her "Why is the bride wearing white?"
    His dad replies "Because all household appliances come in white".

  15. #47
    Chillie in here j.o.s.h.1408's Avatar
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    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    LOL some of these jokes are very funny

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    Re: serious lack of jokes on here!

    Urban legend, but very funny ..

    transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

    Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

    Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

    Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

    Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."

    Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."

    Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

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