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Thread: Old Books.

  1. #1
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    Old Books.

    My old man has a monumentally vast collection of old books (did you know the collective term for books is a library? Amazing, huh?), mostly from the turn of the century to the 1940s, and during periods of severe bordem I'll peruse the shelves and see if I can find anything worth reading.

    The other day I was doing just that, and after rejecting such delights as 'Steam and Other Engines', 'Beetles of The British Isles', and 'The Puritan Revolution' (written by Samuel Rawson Gardiner, no less, in 1885) I settled on 'Everybody’s Family Doctor' from 1936. It’s the funniest book I've ever read.

    The reason for this is that 1936 clearly predates any sort of decent medical knowledge what-so-ever, and also any sort of tact when detailing medical conditions.

    For example, the section on mental illness beings with the following heading, in big black letters:

    WHY A MAD MAN IS SO STRONG.



    The next section 'Female Health' starts with the following informative gems:

    'Tumours of one sort or another are fairly common in women. They can be present at all ages and whether the woman is married or single.'

    That’s right girls. Don't think you is getting rid of that tumour by getting married, you hussy, BEKAUSE U ISNT!

    Pity the poor child afflicted by 'Achondroplasia' back in these days. Wikipedia tells us that 'Achondroplasia is a result of an autosomal dominant mutation in the fibroblast growth factor receptor gene 3, which causes an abnormality of cartilage formation.'

    Everybody’s Family Doctor approaches this affliction from a slightly different angle - 'A peculiarity of Achondroplasiacs is the extraordinary way they rise from the sitting to the standing position without bending the knees' and that 'pairs or troupes of Acondroplasiacs may be seen appearing as professional comedians.'

    Yes people, you've guessed it, these disgusting little creatures are Dwarfs. Funny ones though, so every cloud...

    But enough of these Halflings, lets talk about haemophiliacs, or 'bleeders' as this book prefers to call them. Firstly, where did bleeders come from?

    'There would be no families of bleeders if there had not been a married male bleeder within a few generations, so it may be taken for granted that no member of the family should marry and beget children.'

    Lol! Beget!

    It goes on to say that bleeders should only be trained as a clerk or shopkeeper (well away from sharp things, you see...), but all is not lost! 'If a bleeder is not lost in childhood, the condition usually improves in the early 20s.'

    Bleeding bleeders, expecting special treatment. They should be forced to referee darts matches!

    Next up is the humble cretin. What is a cretin I hear you cry? Well - 'A cretin is a child who suffers from a deficiency of the juices of the thyroid gland'

    Their thyroids aint juicy enough, ya get me?

    But what becomes of the cretin if it is not thrown from a cliff at birth to prevent it from giving us all cretin disease?

    'Quite a number of these children die young, but there are many who grow up. They are never anything else but idiots, rarely attaining the height of four feet.'

    Reminds me of that film: Adventures of a Four Foot Idiot.

    It goes on to say (fantastically ) that 'cases are very common in Switzerland, Northern Italy and France'

    I’ve only scratched the surface so far, but you get the idea. If you want a laugh, track down an old medical dictionary, and let the ignorance and tactlessness wash over you.

    Staying on a medical subject, who knows what my avatar is a cross section of? There are no prizes for the first correct answer, so get guessing!
    Last edited by Stewart; 13-09-2007 at 06:28 PM.

  2. #2
    Flat cap, Whippets, Cave. Clunk's Avatar
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    Re: Old Books.

    Quote Originally Posted by Stewart View Post
    Staying on a medical subject, who knows what my avatar is a cross section of? There are no prizes for the first correct answer, so get guessing!
    Is it one of Dale Winton's ovaries?
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen View Post
    stupid betond belief.
    You owe it to yourself to click here really.

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    Re: Old Books.

    Quote Originally Posted by Stewart View Post
    Staying on a medical subject, who knows what my avatar is a cross section of? There are no prizes for the first correct answer, so get guessing!
    Brian Sewell's lower intestine.

    Quote Originally Posted by Advice Trinity by Knoxville
    "The second you aren't paying attention to the tool you're using, it will take your fingers from you. It does not know sympathy." |
    "If you don't gaffer it, it will gaffer you" | "Belt and braces"

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    Beard hat ftw! steve threlfall's Avatar
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    Re: Old Books.


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