Should you tell?

If your mate's spouse is cheating?

This is one question I never really answered satisfactorily. I recently came across a guy who was a good friend once, but his wife walked off with another bloke and he became a bitter, and quite nasty, person. He was probably my best friend at the time, but I was 20 and he 28 and we were living in the Middle East and when I realised that his wife (who had slept with "somewhere between 200 and 300 men") was doing it with another bloke I didn't know what to do. So I shut up and did nothing.

That decision was based upon a lot of variables, one of which (in self-justification) was my relative youth.

Now I am older and I have seen a lot more marital infidelity and I have never spoken to the cuckold involved. I am sort of lucky in that my life means that I seldom get into the situation nowadays where I am privy to this information; I am usually not around.

I wonder though, just out of curiosity, does anyone think that it's better to tell? Assume that you had incontrovertible (but not portable) evidence of your best friend's spouse having an affair. You know, but you can't provide evidence. Would you tell your friend?

I wouldn't. I think that there's an element of "what the eyes don't see the heart won't grieve over", but there's also the unpredictability of the result of telling. Perhaps a marriage will be shattered beyond repair, breaking up a family. Perhaps the friend will not believe you and hate you forever. Perhaps anything.

And it's none of my business, is it?

How about an anonymous tip-off.... a letter though the post? Then your conscience is clear, and you don't get the blame for interfering in other people's business.

It's a tough one, like you say.

Tough call.

My own opinion would be that I probably wouldn't say anything.. if it was a really good friend it would be hard not to tell them though. Fortunately I've not been in this situation.. yet.

How about approaching the cheating partner and letting them know that you know?

That might be enough for them to stop it. But in the case of your friend years ago, probably not.

if he is a friend you will go round and tell him without wasting any more of his life on his soon to be ex.

he may fall out with you at the start but he will talk to you again

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Fraz

How about an anonymous tip-off....

---

Have you considered sky-writing?

Well if you was in the other situation would you want to know if your other half was cheating

Say nothing , you wont get thanked for it !

Don't tell the Guy, tell the Women. If you do it the other way around, you are just ignorant coz you don't even know the facts...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Funkstar

How about approaching the cheating partner and letting them know that you know?

That might be enough for them to stop it. But in the case of your friend years ago, probably not.

---

I did that, sort of. I saw her and the bloke sloping off together at a party and later thought, "they seem to be a long time." I was quite pissed, and wandered off and looked for them and they were naked in the swimming pool changing room. Bad choice as the door wasn't lockable. She tried to explain, but I wouldn't listen, but she begged me not to tell him as "it would kill him." Bitch.

I wonder if he would have listened to an anonymous tip? I am not sure I would.

Brucelles, just threaten the girl, telling the guy will just make you and his relationship awkward

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by usxhe190

Brucelles, just threaten the girl, telling the guy will just make you and his relationship awkward

---

Is it just me or are people not reading the original post correctly and assuming this is actually happening, rather than being hypothetical?

This was a long time ago. Much water under the bridge since then, and I only thought about it as I came across the guy recently. A friend of my dad's knows him. After his wife left him (at my leaving party) he had a bad time and she and the shirthead she ran off with framed him for demanding money with menaces and took the house off him. He married an ex-girlfriend of mine and cheated on her so they split up after 3 months. I never told him that I knew what was going on, but we weren't friends after he shat on my ex like that.

I was just wondering if anything I did or didn't do would have helped, and in general terms who thinks "tell" and who thinks "stay schtum". So yes, now, it's completely hypothetical.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by htid

Is it just me or are people not reading the original post correctly and assuming this is actually happening, rather than being hypothetical?

---

Some people are idiots

Back to the question

It will depend on a case by case situation, and what type of person you are.

There is no "yes I would" or "no I wouldn't" answer.

I'd be very tempted to go down the route of letting the person who's been un-faithful know i know.

Kind of the chicken option, that still means your morally ok.

The truth shall set you free, as long as you don't hold yourself responsible for the people the truth hurts.

I'd say its a no brainer for me. If its a mate and I only know the other half through them then I'll let them know. Whether anonymously or not depends on the situation.
If the cheater's cannot be trusted to be faithfull they cannot be trusted by their partner full stop. They need to know, whether they can handle it or not.

I'm very firmly in the "it depends" camp.

But my basic instinct is to keep the hell out of that subject.

I might override that, if I were convinced that the mate wasn't aware of it, and would be better off if he were. But .... different people live different lifestyles, and have different arrangements between partners. It is not beyond the bounds of possibility that mate already knows what his spouse is up to. Perhaps they have a bilateral agreement in place about away games. But it's equally possible that that is not something my mate wants to discuss with me! And may me very embarrassed, even angry, if I bring it up.

Then again, if she's playing away and he doesn't know, is he better off if I tell him? It may be a temporary thing, and about to end, and they'd subsequently have a happy married life. But if I tell him, it may well wreck any trust between them and possibly end the relationship. Is it my business to make that call and drop that bombshell on him? No, not really. Will he thank me for it, or is ignorance sometimes a blessing?

And what about kids? If there's any, and I blab something that ends the marriage, what about the impact on the kids? Do I want that on my conscience? Hell, no.

Ultimately, I would need a VERY convincing reason to get involved in what could end up a very messy situation, and in general, I'd keep quiet. Not happily so, but quiet nonetheless.

But my optimum situation is to not know in the first place. It's their business, not mine, and I REALLY don't want to know.

If a mate of mine knew that a wife/gf of mine was cheating on me I would want and expect to be told. I'm shocked at the amount of people that wouldn't tell a best mate about something like this?

I guess i'm just different to people :P

TiG

Let me put my answer another way.

If someone knew my wife was cheating on me, would I want to be told? No.

I'm happy with her, love her loads and am perfectly content with my life as it is. What I don't know isn't hurting me, but finding out would.

You are saying ignorance is bliss....?

Thats just not me, never has been and i pray never will be. Facing the truth for me is something that i can't imagine ever shying away from.

TiG

any friend that didnt tell me the truth would no longer be a friend of mine if i ever found out he knew. I would tell it straight to him as you arent being a friend by not telling him. If it was the other way and one of my friends that cheated on their partner i wouldnt say anything as its my friend that my loyalty lies with. To not tell someone is putting your loyalty with their partner and basically saying that what they are doing is ok.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by TiG

You are saying ignorance is bliss....?

Thats just not me, never has been and i pray never will be. Facing the truth for me is something that i can't imagine ever shying away from.

TiG

---

Amen. I would want to know so I had the satisfaction of kicking the cheating ***** out of my life. Sorry, but there is only once chance, once that's blown, it's game over.

*edit* Can you tell I've been cheated on before?

Stephen

Gather evidence...

I'm thinking videos, pictures and phone taps. Then present it in a damning case over a evening meal with the both of them.

OR

Just say nothing.

I've been in this situation before and I do not regret my actions. I approached the cheater and basicly threatened them to tell their spouse before I did. They didn't work things out but that was mainly due to the fact that she was a bit of a psycho anyway.

If my girlfriend confessed to me that she was cheating yeah I'd be p*ssed off but we may be able to work it out and the fact that she told me shows that the trust can be rebuilt. But if I found out from a mate then followed it up to be true, no second chances.

Problem is, as I've found out with unstable women - they can be very manipulative -

You catch a friends girl cheating.
You warn her to stop it, telling her you know.

She tells your friend you tried it on with her.
Or that you'd be acting strange lately and can we avoid him etc.

So that's always dodgy.

As a married man, I'd want to know. Immediately.
If it was one of my best friends I'd tell them. A not so close friend, I'll get some proof, and perhaps hint to him.

Thing is, if it's a real friend it IS your business.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Bazzlad

Problem is, as I've found out with unstable women - they can be very manipulative -

You catch a friends girl cheating.
You warn her to stop it, telling her you know.

She tells your friend you tried it on with her.

---

Thats exactly what happened to me. Luckly the guy was my best mate who I've known for 18 years, so he pretty much laughed in her face at that one.

But yeah, its a situation which can be next to impossible to predict.

Hehe, cuckold... that word always makes me laugh.

Also - grass the slag up! Being hypothetical is no excuse.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Digerati

Thats exactly what happened to me. Luckly the guy was my best mate who I've known for 18 years, so he pretty much laughed in her face at that one.

But yeah, its a situation which can be next to impossible to predict.

---

Could have ended up worse,
I split up a fight between two mates the other week.

Mate A's girlfriend had gotten drunk and slept with Mate B (in a pub toilet)
She regretted what she did and claimed rape.

Now despite the Police dropping charges against him (her leading him by hand into the girls toilets doesn't quite sit right with her story) the other bloke believes her.

Pathetic eh?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by TiG

If a mate of mine knew that a wife/gf of mine was cheating on me I would want and expect to be told. I'm shocked at the amount of people that wouldn't tell a best mate about something like this?

I guess i'm just different to people :P

TiG

---

Problem with this is the facts say we have no evidence, you saw, you didn't record it

Now when you tell your best mate of 20 years, is your best mate going to believe you or going to believe his own gf/wife...it can turn either way...

It is a tricky one... The thing is, I would have thought (I may be wrong!) that in the majority of cases, the person being cheated on must have some slight inkling that something isn't right, and (speaking from experience) there is nothing worse than being suspicious and feeling that you are being lied to.
In that case... as TiG says, I would rather know the truth every time, and therefore would rather be told if it were me. So... yes, I think I would tell, although I'm not sure it would be a very easy conversation to have!

just tell him or you could try blackmailing her for sexual favours if she's really hot to keep stum

personally i would do the former

Well, personaly, I wouldn't even bother confronting the person who is cheating as they no longer deserve your respect, they obviously have no respect for their partner any more.

However, the above does need to be tempered by the scale of the indiscretion.

Catching a married man/women having sex with someone in an area that may be out of the way but is still public so they know that they may be caught says a lot about a person. Someone going through a difficult time in their life and making a stupid mistake that they seriously regret is another matter, and in this sort of situation they would probably tell their partner in time anyhow...

If it's your best mate, tell the poor guy. He is being lied to and has a right to know.

I think it all depends on the situation and the specific people. If its someone you really care about, then its your duty as a friend to tell them. If they where a good person, they would appreciate how hard it is to tell them something like that. And if they don't, then screw them.

Someone else said, they may not thank you, (at first), but thats just life, and thats partly what being a friend and a good person is all about. You sometimes have to do things that don't benefit you, for the good of other people etc. Thats just about being self-less and a caring and stuff.

So if someone goes out and buys a crappy graphics card and tells you about how they love getting decent graphics in games, then a good person wouldn't say, "You dumbass, you bought the wrong thing". You would say, "Cool! I'm happy for you". Because whats done is done, and you aren't going to be preventing any further heatbreak by ruining their day. But when a friend's wife is shagging around behind his back, you tell him, because he is your friend. Not to mention the fact that she could possibly catch something and transfer it to him.

But there are exceptions. If you didn't particularly like him, and you maybe preferred her, then its maybe best to not say. And if he was a **** and he abused her or something, then personally, I'd set her up with someone else myself. So it all depends on the people and the situation really.

As for your specific situation, not sure if you wanted us to pass judgement or not :P, and don't really know enough to determine if you should have or not. Because like I said, it depends on the people and the situation. But I also personally would probably give way more slack to a 20 year old than other 20 year olds would for example. Because I know that when I was 20, I thought I knew everything but I didn't know anything :P And lots of 20 years olds just dont have the experience to know what to do, so I wouldn't have thought badly of you for not telling him, even if he was a good person that deserved being told. And theres maybe no right answer anyway. Like somebody else said, even if it was them being cheated on.. they would prefer to not know. So you might have actually been doing the wrong thing by telling them. So again, it depends on the people.
P.S. If its still praying on your mind after many years, hopefully you can draw a line under it and move on. And hopefully they have moved on to better relationships now, and if not, maybe they will soon. Thats all that really matters.

P.p.s. And remember, take care of yourselves, aaaand each other.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by TiG

You are saying ignorance is bliss....?

Thats just not me, never has been and i pray never will be. Facing the truth for me is something that i can't imagine ever shying away from.

TiG

---

Kind of, yeah.

I'm not saying ignorance is bliss, but what I'm saying is that absolute truth carries a price, too.

A trivial example .... when the wife says "does my bum look big in this?" or "what do you think of this dress?" be VERY careful how you answer, because "not big exactly, <bleeping> enormous is closer" is probably not a bit of truth that's going to enhance your near-term domestic tranquility. :D

Seriously, though, there's a substantial range of situations where a little white lie is morally justifiable. The implication is that the truth being a good thing is not an absolute.

So .... with that in mind, my point above was that IF I found out my wife was cheating on me, it'd make it very hard to ever trust her again, and it could well end up wrecking a marriage which, I have to say, I'm very happy with.

Suppose that infidelity was a one-off fling that was a mistake, and is now over. Do I want to lose or even risk a wonderful relationship because of it? No, I don't.

On the other hand, if she was doing a yoyo-knickers job and knocking off anything male that stood still for too long, then yes, I'd like to know because it's obvious the relationship isn't exactly as good as I thought it was.


Let me put it another way. Would I want to end the relationship because the wife had a brief fling that's now over? No. I wouldn't. Given that, I'd MUCH rather not know about the fling. Knowing would damage the relationship, and destroy my trust in her, and cost me my happiness.

Do I want to lose her over a brief mistake? No. She means much more to me that that. So ... a slavish dedication to absolute and all-encompassing truth could well destroy happiness for me that I'd otherwise have. It is not, in those circumstances, a price I'd wish to pay and I would not thank someone for telling me.


I'm sure a lot of people would want to know, but not everybody does.

So for those thinking of telling the mate, that's your call, but just be aware that YOUR actions could be what causes the marriage to fold. And if that means parents split, will the kids thank you for your honesty? Maybe. But maybe not. Getting between husband and wife over this issue is not something to do lightly, because it can have grave consequences for people's lives, and not necessarily for the better.

I think there's a distinction between a one off drunken indiscretion, and an actual ongoing affair (or several seperate episodes of cheating). If I caught, or heard of a friend's partner doing the former, I'd be inclined to confront them and put the fear into them, rather than go straight to my friend and spill the beans.

In the latter case, it comes down to whether your friend actually wants to know or not. I, like TiG and others, would definitely want to know so that I could chuck my partner out and move on- I set a lot of store by fidelity and honesty. Equally though, other people would not want to know, and I respect that- there is no right or wrong answer.

So- you'd have to find out what your friend would want. Over a drink or two (with the cheating partner not present, obviously) you ask them this very question in a hypothetical sense, pretending that you're talking about another friend that they don't know. If they come back and say 'well in that situation I'd like to know', then you tell them, albeit probably not on that evening; maybe even let them know anonymously if you're worried about them 'shooting the messenger'. If they say that they'd rather not know, then there you go- you thank them for their counsel and change the subject.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rave

I think there's a distinction between a one off drunken indiscretion, and an actual ongoing affair

---

If my partner was guilty of a drunken indiscrecion, I'd want to know. It would then be up to me to forgive and forget or leave her over it.

Quote:

---

(or several seperate episodes of cheating). If I caught, or heard of a friend's partner doing the former, I'd be inclined to confront them and put the fear into them, rather than go straight to my friend and spill the beans.

In the latter case, it comes down to whether your friend actually wants to know or not. I, like TiG and others, would definitely want to know so that I could chuck my partner out and move on- I set a lot of store by fidelity and honesty. Equally though, other people would not want to know, and I respect that- there is no right or wrong answer.

So- you'd have to find out what your friend would want. Over a drink or two (with the cheating partner not present, obviously) you ask them this very question in a hypothetical sense, pretending that you're talking about another friend that they don't know. If they come back and say 'well in that situation I'd like to know', then you tell them, albeit probably not on that evening; maybe even let them know anonymously if you're worried about them 'shooting the messenger'. If they say that they'd rather not know, then there you go- you thank them for their counsel and change the subject.

---

Pretty much the best solution IMO. I would use both the hypothetical drunken indiscresion and the longer term cheating as an example.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by coco

just tell him or you could try blackmailing her for sexual favours if she's really hot to keep stum

personally i would do the former

---

EXACTLY!!
If you dont want to be man enough to tell her husband then have a pop at her yourself.

You are no mate keeping this stuff to yourself so you might aswell have a squeeze of his Mrs. She sounds like a bit of a go'er so why not! :D