:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by sleepyhead
and the spider email was great :D
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:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by sleepyhead
and the spider email was great :D
Essex to English translations
ASSA COMMONS - Our Parliament Building.
ART ATTACK - Extremely perturbed, as in "Don't tell Sharon, She'll have an art attack."
ARST - Past tense of ask. "Jordan, I must've arst ya free fazzund times to clear up yer room."
BANNSA - A person employed to deny access or eject troublemakers at a club. "Dave's got izself a job as a bannsa."
BANTY - A chocolate and coconut snack bar.
BAVE - To wash oneself.
BOAF - The two. "Oi Dave, ooja fancy most, Sharon or Tracy?" "Boaf" is the reply.
BRANSATCH - Motor racing circuit in Kent.
CANCEL - Administrative body of a town. "Darren, wive ad annuvva letter from the cancel."
CANTAFIT - Fake, as in money.
CHOONA - An edible fish purchased in a tin and usually prepared with mayonnaise.
CORT A PANDA - A big hamburger (smaller than an arf panda)
DAN TO URF - Sensible, practical.
DANNING STREET - Where the Prime Minister lives.
DANSTEZ - On the ground floor , where the biggest telly is.
DREKKUN - Do you consider? as in "Which dog drekkun'll win the next race?"
EFTY - Considerable. "Ere, Trace, this credit card bill's a bit efty."
EJOG - A small, spiky animal (hedgehog).
ERZ - Belonging to her.
EVVY - A big geezer who protects a smaller and more intelligent geezer, usually for money. "My name's Frank and this is my evvy, Knuckles."
EYEBROW - Cultured, intellectual.
FANTIN - A jet of water for drinking or ornament.
FARVA - A posh way of saying Dad.
FATCHA - Margaret, British Prime Minister 1979 - 1990.
FINGY - A person or object whose name doesn't come to mind. "I ad it off wiv fingy last night."
FONG - Skimpy undergarment.
FOR CRYIN AT LAAD - Mild expletive showing annoyance or surprise. E.G."For cryin at lad, Britney, if I say Yes will you give it a rest?"
GAWON - Go on. "Gawon Darren, eat ya granny's cabbage, it'll do yer good."
GIVE IT LARGE - To be thorough or enthusiastic.
GRAND - A football stadium. "It all wennoff atside the pub near the grand."
HAITCH - Letter of the alphabet between G and I.
IBEEFA - The Spanish holiday island.
IFFY - Dubious. "Ere, Trace, I fink this bread pudding you made last munf's a bit iffy."
INT - Indirect suggestion. " I gave Darren a sort of int that it was time to wash iz feet."
IPS - An unknown area of a woman's body to which chocolate travels."That Mars Bar will go straight to me ips."
JA - Do you, did you. "Ja like me new airdo, Sharon."
JACKS - Five Pound note. "Lend us a jacks, wilya?"
JAFTA - Is it really necessary? "Oi mate, jafta keep doing that?"
KAF - Eating house open during the day.
KAFFY - A girl's name.
LAD - Noisy. "Jordan, turn that music dan, it's too lad."
LARJ - Enjoying oneself.
LEVVA - Material made from the skin of an animal.
LOTREE - Costs £1 for a ticket.
MA BLARCH - An arch near Hyde Park.
MAFFS - The study of numbers.
MANOR - Local area.
MINGER - An unattractive person (usually woman).
NARRA - Lacking breadth, with little margin. "Mum wannid to come rand but changed er mind. That was a narra escape."
NARTAMEAN - Do you know what I mean? (sometimes used as janartamean).
NEEVA - Not one nor the other.
NES - National Elf Service.
OAF - A solemn declaration of truth or committment.
OLLADAY - Time taken away from home for rest and adventure.
ONNIST - Fair and just, without a lie. "I never did it, onnist."
OPPIT - Go away , as in "Oi you, oppit."
PADDA PUFF - Soft, lacking aggression. "They're alright up front but they got a padda puff defence."
PACIFIC - Specific.
PAFFUL - Having much power or strength.
PAIPA - Sun, Mirror etc.
PANS AN ANNSIS - Imperial weight system.
PLAMMANS - A pub lunch usually made up of cheese and bread.
QUALIDEE - Good, as in "West 'Am's new striker's qualidee."
RAND - A number of drinks purchased for a group.
RANDEER - Locally. "There ain't much call for it randeer."
REBAND - Period of recovery after rejection by a lover. "I couldn't 'elp it.
I was on the reband from Craig."
ROOFLESS - Without compassion.
SAFF - A direction of the compass, opposite north.
SAFFEND - An Essex seaside town.
SAWTED - Done, arranged, resolved.
SEEVIN - Very angry. "I woz seevin when I urd wot 'e sed."
TALENT - Attractive members of the opposite sex. "Dave's gan dan tan to eye up the talent."
TAN ASS - A modern terraced house.
TOP EVVY - A woman of plentiful bosom. "Ere look at that, Darren, she's well top evvy."
UG - An unattractive person. "Sharon's new geezer's a bit of an ug."
UMP - Upset, as in Got the Ump.
VACHER - A document which can be exchanged for goods or services. "I got a vacher to get in cheap at Forp Park."
WANNED UP - Tense. "I'm all wanned up at the moment."
WAWAZUT? - I beg your pardon.
WENNOFF - A fight commenced as in "It all wennoff".
YAFTA - You must : "Even if yer guilty, yafta av mitigating circumstances."
YOOF OSTALL - A place where holidaymakers can stay the night.
ZAGGERATE - To suggest something is better or bigger than is true."Craig, I must've told ya a fazzund times already." "Don't zaggerate, mum."
this is not an official joke, just a post i read on another forum:
Once, a girl I knew had a one night stand with a guy... he left early the next morning, and invited her to let herself out of his apartment at her leisure. She woke up, and decided to use the bathroom then leave. Number two -- and she plugged the toilet up like nobody's business. Horrified and unable to find a plunger, she did the one thing she thought would work: scoop out the pooh with a spoon and put it in a Ziplock bag that she would take with her and dispose of later. She then wrote a note, expressing that she had a good time, and left her phone number. As she walked outside, upon hearing the door lock shut behind her, she realized with horror she had forgotten the bag of pooh on the guy's dining room table, next to her note. Needless to say, she was never called.
:P
Oh God. What did she do with the spoon?!
That's an American advert for a super secure door lock... saw it on Tarrant on TV a while back..Quote:
Originally Posted by Hunain
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=cfnbYfN9_VA
Still funny though! :)
Lolla at the Essex -> English Translations
<copy>
<paste>
Thanks plz...
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f****** fence wasn't electrified."
I did some stand up at an old peoples home last week. Tough crowd.
They wouldn't even answer my knock knock jokes until I showed them some ID.
===
I recently broke up with my girlfriend and i was quite upset.
My friend said, "Don't worry mate, there's plenty more fish in the sea."
I replied, "Yeah, but its not just the smell I miss."
:DQuote:
Originally Posted by Whiternoise
Probably the first funny thing in the thread!
Well done Sir.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
____________________________________
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
_____________________________
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
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Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
______________________________
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
____________________________________
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
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If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
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Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
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Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
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Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
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Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
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Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
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How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
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When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
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Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
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In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
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How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
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And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
To My Dear Wife.....
During the past year as in other years, I have tried to seduce you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times. This is an average of once every 10 days. the following is a list of your excuses why I did not succeed more often;
" it's to hot" 22 times
"I'm to tired" 152 times
"it's to early" 25 times
"it's to late" 13 times
"pretending to be asleep" 19 times
"wrong time of month" 12 times
"you had to go to toilet" 32 times
During the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not entirely satisfactory because 6 times you told me to hurry up and get on with it, 23 times you just lay there and 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you it was over. once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move and once you mentioned the crack in the celling.
Darling is it any wonder I have taken to drink.......?
Your loving husband.
To my dear Husband,
In answer to your letter just received, it seems to me you have got things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you don't get more nibbles than you do;
"you came home blitzed" 122 times
"you didn't come home at all" 29 times
"you didn't come........." 14 times
"went soft before you got it in" 18 times
"working late" 49 times
"in a fight and got kicked in the nadgers" 2 times
"brewers droop" 95 times
Of the times we did get together, the reason I lay still was because you farted and I was trying to breath. By the way I never mentioned the crack on the celling. in fact what I actually said was "Do you want me on my back or kneeling!"
However, 6 months ago, I phoned alcoholics anonymous for help and their nice representative has been seeing me most afternoons.
your very happy wife.
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife.
The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.
This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet like this," was the shop owner's reply. Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..
The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot.
Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with "Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came, "Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife.
So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life)
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey, lady! Man, are you ever ugly! " Furious, the lady stormed past the store to work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey, lady! Man, are you ever ugly! "
She was even more ticked off now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey, lady! Man, are you ever ugly. " The lady was so incensed that she went into the store and threatened to sue the store to rid herself of the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey, lady! " She paused and said, "Yes? "
The bird said, "You know.... "
What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats
Certified cut&paste free hand typed goodness.
A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with "T. " Examples of those days are: Tuesday Thursday Thanksgiving Today Tomorrow Thaturday and Thunday! "Why Men Get Out Of Bed" A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night. . . ~ 5% said it was to get a glass of water. . . ~ 12% said it was to go to the toilet. . . ~ 83% said it was to go home.
Blonde & Brunette friends are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again. . . . . for no reason. " The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers? " The brunette says, "Oh sure. . . . . but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air. " The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase? "
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer, " she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband? " he inquired nervously. "No, silly, " she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then? " he asked. "No, not at all, " she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then? " demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation. "
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do? Oh- I know. " He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "what are you doing in here? ! ? " She said, Shhhh! , " pointing at the bed, "you'll wake your mother! "
Certified cut&paste free hand typed goodness.
Wow, I remember lurking in this thread months and months ago. Can't believe it's still going strong haha.
Some amazing jokes in here.
TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO HAS HAD ENOUGH. . .
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
If you won't/don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries, birthdays and other events you want us to remember on the calendar. That increases the chance we'll remember by 50%.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
Check your oil.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing, " we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
Yes I cut & pasted it, my bad :(
There was this old married couple who had been happily married for 40 years! The only friction in their marriage was the husband\'s habit of loudly farting every morning as he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off as it was making her sick. He told her he couldn\'t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a Doctor as she was concerned that one day he was going to fart his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then on christmas morning as she was downstairs preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had just put the turkey innards and neck, gizzards, liver and all the spareparts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her hubby was sound asleep and gently pulling back the bed covers she slid down his underpants at the back and emptied the bowl of turkeyguts into them.
Several hours later she heard her husband waken with his usual arise ripping Trumpeting and this was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran to the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing with tears in her eyes. After years of torture she reckoned she had got her own back.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right.
All those years you warned me and I didn\'t listen to you. " "What do you mean, " asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out and today it finally happened.
But . . . by the grace of God, some Vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in. "
Cut & paste frenzy! :o :rockon2:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get MOAR THANKS.
:D:D
I\'m here all week.
No. ok. Just no. :help:Quote:
Originally Posted by Stewart
Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says " - get out! We don't want your type in here"
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you_ but don't start anything"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
Dyslexic man walks into a bra
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road. "
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind, drove a tractor and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw. "
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
I don't know why but I laughed at all of those jokes...hard haha.
Larry decided one day to test the royal mail services, and send pun letters to ten of his friends. He wrote them all out, sent them, and waited for a week before asking his friends if they'd got it. No pun in ten did.
DISCLAIMER - This joke was made in response to 0iD's. Blame him :P
From Jimmy Carr:
Cheerleading accounts for 84% of all American High School injuries. "I'm sorry, I seem to have broken your hymen."
Too dodgy?
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
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Two Goldfish in a tank.
One says to the other "How the Hell do you drive this thing?"
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Sure Fire Ways To Know You Are A Woman
1. Whine
2. When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no. Then get mad when you are believed.
3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.
4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
5. Whine.
6. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it's because he is lazy.
7. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
8. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
9. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required gifts proving his love.
10. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress of your life.
11. Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend must be labeled a whore and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.
12. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.
FINALLY, THE 6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it Good year.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...
Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT?
A : Running into a wall with an hard-on and breaking his nose.
Those jokes were a CUT above the usual quality mate, I have a smile PASTEd all over my face now.
:D
Thanks mi old mate! :D:D:DQuote:
Originally Posted by Stewart
:)
Keep up the good work.
http://www.snopes.com/business/genius/spacepen.aspQuote:
Originally Posted by shadowmaster
Similar to earlier joke
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
A kick in the nuts is more painful than childbirth - the proof!
When was the last time that a man turned around a year or so afterwards and said he wanted another?
Got a feeling this may be a repost, but I can't be arsed to look.
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob . So they loaded up Jack 's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said.. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob , do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' said Bob
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob 's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician????
He worked it out with a pencil....
Convent girls
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?”
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
____________________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________
A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."
"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."
Police are looking for a person that steals vibrators, swallows sperm & loves taking it up the @rse.
What should i do? Tell them I haven't seen you.
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16 years old and went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was a beautiful female assistant behind the counter and she could see that I was new to this. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I answered honestly, "Well, not exactly; this is my first time." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to always make sure it was on tight and secure. I nodded yes but apparently I still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was.
"Just a minute," she said, as she walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?", she asked. I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head rapidly and smile. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I slipped it on nice and secure, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay back on the desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."
So I climbed up on the desk and entered her. It felt so wonderful that unfortunately I couldn't hold back and KAPOW!!, I was done within just a minute, if even that long.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?", she
asked.
I said, "I sure did".... and held up my thumb to show her.
ROFLMFAO, i like that
Haha thats actually pretty good.Quote:
Originally Posted by 0iD
Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is ...
'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'
Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........
'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'
So out with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....
'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE !!!!
LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY
Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a mach ine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'
'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
AMEN. Heinz Deli Garlic Mayo :(
=====
The average bloke thinks about sex once every six tits.
-
I met a 16 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, sexy and flirty, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!
-
Yesterday evening, I had to change a lightbulb. A bit later on, I crossed the road and walked into a bar.
I realised my life was a big joke.
-
The only reason Obesity exists is because bullying has been banned.
Strange Affliction
A woman goes to her doctor\'s office, to discuss a strange development.
She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They won\'t wash off, they won\'t
scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he\'ll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he
gets the tests back.
A few days later, the woman\'s phone rings. Much to her relief, it\'s the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what\'s causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You\'re perfectly healthy-there\'s no problem. But I\'m wondering, was your
boyfriend that Harley-Davidson guy in the waiting room?"
The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren\'t real gold."
WOMAN\'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who\'s not a creep,
One who\'s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who\'ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he\'s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won\'t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who\'ll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to \'how big is my behind?\'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MAN\'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course/garage/shooting range/fishing lake etc etc. This
doesn\'t rhyme and I don\'t give a crap.
Husband and wife are travelling by car from London to Edinburgh when suddenly the weather closed in and it was impossible to drive, so they decide to pull into a hotel and check-in until the conditions improve. They pull off the M6 and find a hostelry nearby a junction, nothing special but it looked clean and well cared for, and after all they were only going to be stopping overnight if the weather cleared.
Luckily, the next morning the snow had stopped and the roads were clear, so they go to check out and the receptionist hands them a bill for £350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the receptionist although it\'s a nice hotel; the rooms certainly are not worth £350.00! When the receptionist tells him £350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use. \'But we didn\'t use them,\' the man complains.
\'Well, they are here, and you could have,\' explained the Manager. He further explains that the hotel has a Michelin-starred restaurant and that guests get a 20% deduction, but the man said they were too tired to even think about eating when they arrived, and again the Manager said, "But you could have..."
The Manager goes on to explain they could have taken in the cabaret for which the hotel is famous. We get the best entertainers from Blackpool, Manchester and even the West End to perform here, the Manager says.
\'But we didn\'t go to the cabaret,\' complains the man again.
\'Well, we have them, and you could have,\' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, \'But we didn\'t use it!\'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque.
\'But sir,\' he says, this cheque is only made out for £50.00.\'
\'That\'s correct,\' says the man. \'I charged you £300.00 for sleeping with my wife.\'
\'But I didn\'t!\' exclaims the Manager.
\'Well, too bad,\' the man replies, \'she was here and you could have.\'
A woman and her husband are out having a few drinks. While they\'re sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her husband into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of limejuice.
The husband looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. \'First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.\' So, the husband, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but OK He drinks the shot of Baileys... smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks... this is OK. Finally he picks up the limejuice and drinks it.
In one second the sharp lime taste hits..
At two seconds the Baileys curdles.
At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits.
At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his wife, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his wife, and says, \'Jesus, what do you call that drink?\'
She smiles widely at him and says \'Head Job Revenge.\'
Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, \'the insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.
I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow’s stall in the barn.
You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?\'
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, \'this is the one...right here.\'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, \'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?\'
That\'s simple. By the nail over its stall\', Maggie explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, \'What\'s the nail for?\'
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, \'I guess it\'s to hang your trousers on.\'
Bet the woman was driving.....Quote:
Originally Posted by 0iD
The M6 takes you to Glasgow! The M1 is MUCH quicker and actually takes you to Edinburgh Via Newcastle etc. from London.
Depends where you're coming from, also M1 turns into A1 north of Newcastle. maybe it'll be fast from the east coast, but pretty sure the M6 is faster from the west of England.Quote:
Originally Posted by finlay666
And since I'm here, a joke:
A young man named Tony bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When the farmer drove up the next day, he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news...the donkey is on my truck, but he's dead."
Tony replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "I can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Tony said, "OK then, just unload the donkey anyway".
The farmer asked, "What are ya gonna do with him?"
Tony said, "I'm going to raffle him off", to which the farmer exclaimed, "you can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
But Tony, with a big smile on his face, said "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody that he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Tony and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Tony said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £698.00."
Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"
And Tony replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner, when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2 back plus £200 extra, which is double the going value of a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy."
Tony grew up and eventually became the Prime Minister of Britain, and no matter how many times he lied or how much money he stole from British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them thought he was a great guy.
I do the journey once a month to Newcastle from Reading (hence my location), believe me going M6 just adds time to the journey regardless of dual carriageway or notQuote:
Originally Posted by Mblaster
And it's going from london, so would be M40/M42 to M6 :)
Going from london the M1 may well be faster, although the M6 joins directly to the M1 so don't know why you'd go M40/M42.Quote:
Originally Posted by finlay666
Actually, the all knowing source of google (hit of sarcasm there ;) ) says it'll be faster to take the M6 even from london, but only by 9 minutes, on a 7 hour journey, so guess it'll depend on traffic really.
http://maps.google.co.uk/maps?f=d&sa...dinburgh&hl=en
Aside from the fact you would also pay extra for using the M6 Toll.....
I'd rather not go past Birmingham/Liverpool/Manchester
Go M40 as it's normally quicker to take a little detour with the traffic
Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.
They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop”.
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways"
Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.
The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted!
Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella?Quote:
Originally Posted by finlay666
Fo drizzle! :mrgreen:
Million, were you at the Hell is for Heroes Gig at the Thekla on Saturday night by any chance?!Quote:
Originally Posted by Million
That is the joke the guy from Blakfish (support band) came out with...
No, actually I wasn't - just a wonderful coincidence :embarrassed:Quote:
Originally Posted by Zadock
I noted that your from Bristol, which is what made me ask :)
Childbirth at 65
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'
Don't know if it has allready been posted, but...
women=money*time
everyone knows that time=money
women=money*money
women=〖money〗^2
money is the root of all evil
women=〖√evil〗^2
women=evil
Thus I have proved that women are evil
That's really old, although don't remember seeing it in this thread yet :pQuote:
Originally Posted by Will:)
And the joke:
My boss told me off yesterday for bad teamwork skills. He said, "there is no 'i' in team."
I got him fired for discriminating against me for having dyslexia.
You can't spell "team" without "me". :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Mblaster
A duck walks into a bar, plonks himself down on a stool at the bar and waits patiently until the barman comes up to him.
"Got any bread?" asks the duck.
"Bread?", says the barman, "No, no bread... I can do you a glass of water though?"
"Nah, I don't fancy water"
There's a moment's pause and then the duck says "Got any bread?"
"No mate", says the barman, "I just told you, we've not got any bread."
"Ok", says the duck, "Erm... got any bread then?".
"No!" says the barman, "we haven't got any bread. I just said that!"
"Alright, ok, keep your hair on", says the duck..... "Got any bread?"
Now the barman is starting to lose his temper. "Listen. We've not got any bread. No granary, no wholemeal, no white, no 50/50 with no crunchy bits! We NOT GOT ANY BREAD!!"
"Ah sorry" says the duck, completely calmly and not at all taken aback. "In that case, can I have some bread then?"
At this point the barman loses it. "Listen you feathered pest. We've not got ANY bread. No rolls, no loaves, no sticks, no petite pan, no cobs, no farmhouse loaves, cottage loaves, no cheesy topped buns, ciabatta, pitta, nan or crackers... in fact no flour based bread-type baked goods of ANY SORT!!!"
The barman is beside himself with anger an now screaming at the duck, "If you ask me ONE MORE TIME for 'bread' I'm going to grab you by your downy tits, stretch your scrawny neck across the counter and NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE SODDING BAR!!!"
This time the duck looks a bit worried... "Sorry,", mumbles the duck, "Erm... have you got any nails?"
"Nails?" says the barman, "No, we've not got any nails".
"Oh good," says the duck, "Got any bread?"
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.z
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Hmmm... Now, where've I heard that before? :mrgreen:Quote:
Originally Posted by 0iD
I'm getting quite concerned about what my kids are hearing in the playground.
This morning I caught my daughter imitating sex acts with her Barbie and Ken dolls.
I told her, "You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that."
She replied, "Don't worry, Dad. He's doing her up the *rse!"
--------
My girlfriend said to me last night, "If we get engaged at Christmas, will you give me a ring?"
"What for?" I replied. "I'll tell you to your face."
why did the chicken cross the road
to get to the otherside taaa daa
.
A bird walk's into a bar with the ferret (weird combination) the ferrets money had fallen out while walking down the road ;) not realising this the ferret orders about £10's worth of drinks and later realises that he has lost his wallet, he turns to the bird and the bird says dont worry il put it on my BILL ;)
Dude, thats a tad over the line with the pedophile jokes......
What what what, why did the chicken cross the road :S whats wrong with that
Very rapid editing...
Quote:
last edited by watforddude's at 2:06pm
Good job you removed it. mods don't liike it.. they get in all sorts of trouble.Quote:
post made: Today, 02:07 PM
This young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed.
The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.
Then he blushed.
The the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your bloody Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
Yarrr im sorry, i got told it on the day and just thought meh, but like you said fast editing. quick on the trigger ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by mediaboy
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex all the time, and just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was. The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with her.
The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. her husband comes into the bedroom takes one look and says, "For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in."
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
* she called me to get my phone number.
* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
*she tried to drown a fish.
*she thought a quarterback was a refund.
*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
*she tripped over a cordless phone.
*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
*she studied for a blood test.
*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
Trouble choosing a Wife....
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover.. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''
Boudreaux joined a very exclusive nudist colony in Oklahoma . On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and Boudreaux immediately got an erection.
The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?'
Boudreaux replied, 'No, what do you mean?'
She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, Boudreaux continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.
'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer Boudreaux.
'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer Boudreaux.
Boudreaux staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.
'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500.00 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'
'Listen lady, I' m 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here.'
The Meaning of Life
On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I'll give back the other 40?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years."
But man said: "Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back -- that makes 80, OK?"
"OK," God said. "As long as you're sure."
So that is why for our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
And that, my friends, is the meaning of life. Now you know.
Dedicated to all you who remember the Haiku thread :rolleyes:
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
You seek a Web site.
It cannot be located.
Countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
With searching comes loss.
The presence of absence.
"June Sales.doc" not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao
Until you bring fresh toner.
Windows NT crashed.
I am The Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream
But the water has moved on.
Page not found.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you are seeking
Must now be retyped.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again.
Printer not ready
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
Errors have occurred
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.
Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.
This site have been moved
We'd tell you where, but then
we'd have to delete you.
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy.
There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge
--
Strangely Calming :P
The tech version of "The Raven" is superb!
http://www.dennydavis.net/poemfiles/cppoem.htm
http://drunkard.com/issues/54/images/ubf_pamp_26.jpg
Not that i've got anything against Tee-Totallers at all..!
A nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."
This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well," she says, "God is both black and white."
This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent, the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks...
"Is Michael Jackson God?"
The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end
Up leaving together.
They get back to his place,
And as he shows her around his
Apartment.
She notices that one wall of his
Bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet,
Cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the
Bedroom,
With hundreds and hundreds of cute,
Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
In rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them
And she was immediately touched
By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,
Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,
And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy
To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his
Sensitive side.
But doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,
After awhile, she finds herself
Thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
Could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom
Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
They are lying there together in
The afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,
And says:
'Help yourself to any prize
From the middle shelf'
Just after Lorenna Bobbitt brutally cut off her husband's penis, she jumped into her car and sped away.
On her way down the highway, holding her husbands penis in her hand, she decided to throw it out the window. She opened her window and tossed the penis as far as she could and sped away again.
Meanwhile two potheads who were driving down the same highway happened to cross right by Lorenna just as she tossed it out the window and the penis hit their windshield smack dab in the middle. Stunned but still quiet the two locals drove on. About three miles down the road one pothead turned to the other and said, "Man, Did you see the size of the dick on the Mosquito?"
A flat stomach....
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his
mum on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mumsees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find
him..
The son sees his mum and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'
The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometime s I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'
'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.
'Why is that?' the mum asked puzzled.
'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again.'
Nice dave87, jokes on cheating are always hilarious!
The Journey of Man:
When I was 4, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a
Passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an
Emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I
Needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable
and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with
some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from
One thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me
Miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I
Decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the
Ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I
owned.
I am older and wiser now, and looking for a girl with big TITS!
Thanks for this. I thought it might get missed at the bottom of your Haiku post, so I am giving everyone another chance to follow the link. Brilliance!Quote:
Originally Posted by Whiternoise
http://pics.livejournal.com/james_rh...c/0001wsga.jpg
Sorry about the language, BTW, but I can't really do much about it.
Omfg
Actual tears laughing lol :D
"this was a little awkward"
No kidding!!!