When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
And his throat gets dry,
He goes weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
Because she smells like a new car .
Printable View
When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
And his throat gets dry,
He goes weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
Because she smells like a new car .
Uncyclopedia
and
Encyclopedia Dramatica
Many lolz to be had on some of the articles.:D
Sweary
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke and a box a chocolets.
Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece
First time with Tiger....
A couple on their honeymoon, lying in bed, honeymoon suite Tinto Hotel, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've only been with one guy before."
"Oh yes? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yes it was."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yes? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yes? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy, not to be outshone slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's really tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
Probably a repost, most of them are now :P
Received the following in an email today;
You should actually do this every year. Even more often is recommended by Kim Kommando (the computer guru) if you spend a lot of time on the computer.
I was shocked to see how well this works, and how far off mine was!
To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the Y below, then drag the Y toward the g.
If it doesn't work immediately, you might want to clean your mouse, as the calibration is off.
You dumb ass. You'll believe anything
A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for a homework assignment.
http://i40.tinypic.com/1e99b7.jpg
After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:
Dear Ms. Davis,
I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This photo is of me selling a shovel.
Mrs. Harrington
Number One Idiot of 2008
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation and happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
Number Two Idiot of 2008
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
Number Three Idiot of 2008
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK", and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
Number Four Idiot of 2008
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign.
Idiot Number Five of 2008
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.
Idiot Number Six of 2008
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape!
Idiot Number Seven of 2008
I live in a semi-rural area (Weyauwega, Wisconsin). We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they REPRODUCE...!!!
Dr Dave
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients, and felt guilty about it all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But, every once in a while, he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
Invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering: "But Dave.....you're a vet."
How fights start.
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
======================================================================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her some scales.
And then the fight started...
====================================================================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take
her someplace expensive....
so, I took her to a petrol station...
And then the fight started...
====================================================================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as
she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend...
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and
I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
===========================================================
I rear-ended a car this morning... So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know
how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
============================================================================
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, playing golf '
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which
one person is always right, and the other
is the husband.
haha short and sweet, the last one lets it down a bit.
Son: ''Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?''
Dad: ''Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.''
One i heard today and just had to share...
Why do women wear underwear?
Because health and safety legislation states than all manholes must be covered unless in use...
ahem
A sixteen year-old virgin girl has a bad day. Late that evening, she goes to his office for guidance and confession.
"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
" Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch?" the priest asked.
" Because, Father, he touched me on my arm without permission."
" Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he touched her arm.
" Yes, Father."
" That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
" But, Father, he also touched my breasts."
" Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he touched her breasts.
" Yes, Father."
" That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
" But, Father, he took off my clothes."
" Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he removed her clothes.
" Yes, father."
" That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
" But, Father, then he put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
" Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he put his you-know-what in her you-know-where."
" Yes, Father."
" That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
" But, Father, he has herpes!
Remarked the Father, "That son-of-a-bitch!
I made a noise to that :D (y)Quote:
Originally Posted by Dareos
'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned', then returned to his Newspaper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said , nudged the man and apologized.
'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had Arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.
So I hit her over the head with my X-box.
Two Eskimos are sitting in their wooden kayak in the middle of a freezing cold lake - They decide to start a small fire to warm themselves up. Naturally, the kayak sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
1000 chavs were asked if Britain should change it's currency. When the results came back it was revealed that 99% of them were happy with the Giro.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah The teacher asked, ;What if Jonah went to hell?
The little girl replied, Then you ask him. ;
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Junior School teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, I'm drawing God;
The teacher paused and said, But no one knows what God looks like.
Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, They will in a minute.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to honour thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, Thou shall not kill.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, Why are some of your hairs white, Mummy
Her mother replied, Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My own favourite:-
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, And there's the teacher, she's dead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, & Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.
Yes, the class said.
Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?
A little fellow shouted, Cause your feet ain't empty.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic Junior School for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted it on the apple tray: Take only ONE. God is watching.
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
http://i354.photobucket.com/albums/r...e1955ml9-1.jpg
Ah the good old days :D
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she
heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she
observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room,
he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip,
placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that
buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered
that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the f**k are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'
A Young lad pulls and older woman at a club
She is 58 but looks very good for her age, on the way back to her house the guy is thinking 'mmm' I bet her daughter is hot!
When out of the blue she asks if he would like a 'sportsman double'?
Whats that? he asks
Its a mother daughter threesome.
WOOOOOW YES PLEASE
So as they go in her front door, she puts the hall light on and shouts
MUM? You still awake?
One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through."
The wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplough can get through."
So the wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park........"
Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do.
Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some ****in’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more ****in’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the ****in’ French toast."
---------------------------
A man meets a prostitute in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar notes on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
Haha, topical.Quote:
Originally Posted by 0iD
I was woken early this morning by a door-to-door salesman.
Straight away he launched into his patter:
"Good morning, Sir, I'm from GardenRite accessories. Can I just say from the offset that I'm not selling anything. No, our representatives are in the area at this moment in time, and I noticed when passing that your garden gate is old and rusty, and hanging on one hinge. I'm delighted to tell you that we here at GardenRite are in a position to offer you a FREE, yes, that's right, free of charge top-of-the-range replacement gate at absolutely no cost to yourself!" -and handed me a catalogue of nice-looking garden gates.
"Hmm," I said, "Free gate. Where's the catch?"
"There isn't one!" he beamed.
"Not much ****ing use then, is it?" I said, and slammed the door.
Thats so bad it actually raised a smile here.Quote:
Originally Posted by Mblaster
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this... A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't t use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50." "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have.
Next time you post a joke you might want to consider this...Quote:
Originally Posted by Whiternoise
;)
He'd be better off considering thisQuote:
Originally Posted by schmunk
(permalink seems to have ballsed up on yours - shows page 24 rather than page 60)
Aha - That's a problem with permalink - it IS page 24 for me, because I'm viewing with 40 posts per page...Quote:
Originally Posted by mycarsavw
...and there's my new thing learnt for today ;)
Permalink - useless
A Swede, an Irishman, and a Scotsman decided to take their wives with them To play a round of golf.
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, A gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?,' Ole demanded.
Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any,' she replied.
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
Blessed Virgin Mary , woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
So, Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's A 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over Her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where at friggin hell are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money at be able at affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and Says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb...tidy yerself up a bit.'
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.' Hey, nice tie!' comes out of nowhere. He looks up at the barman to see if he had said anything, but since he was on the other side of the bar the man just ignores it.
'Hey! Nice shirt!' The man looks up but, again, the barman is engaged elsewhere.' Hey! Nice suit!' The man then calls the barman over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.
'It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts.'
That made me groan...Quote:
Originally Posted by Spiritinthesky
nut allergy?Quote:
Originally Posted by baius
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his offering.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.
After an evening out, Roger was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.
Why do men die first?
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries…… but, now we know.
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race…you’re a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework …you’re a pansy.
If you work too hard…there’s never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough…you’re a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay…this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay…..you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her…..that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you……it’s affirmative action.
If you mention how nice she looks……it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet……….it’s male indifference.
If you cry…………you’re a wimp.
If you don’t……..you’re an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her………you’re a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you……she’s a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy……. that’s domination.
If she asks you………it’s a favor.
If you appreciate the female form …..you’re a pervert.
If you don’t ….you’re gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs, wear sexy lingerie and keep in shape ………….you’re sexist.
If you don’t……………..you’re unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape……you’re vain.
If you don’t ……..you’re a slob.
If you buy her flowers………….you’re after something.
If you don’t ……..you’re not thoughtful.
If you’re proud of your achievements……..you’re full of yourself.
If you aren’t……. you’re not ambitious.
If she has a headache…………she’s tired.
If you have a headache………….you don’t love her anymore.
If you want it too often………you’re over sexed.
If you don’t…………….there must be someone else.
So why do men die first?
Because they want to.
^ hehe I like that.
All credit to Tommy Cooper (or possibly Tim Vine)...
1. Two blondes walked into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want marijuana, press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high..'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'.
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common? '
'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
Classics! :)
I have another that I think is tommy cooper thats not on the list.
News flash! A two seater plane has crashed in a cemetry in Ireland this evening, rescue workers have discovered 10 bodies so far but more are expected to be discovered as digging continues through into the night.
A large proportion, if not all, are actually Tim Vine jokes.Quote:
Originally Posted by Salazaar
Two flies sitting on a piece of pooh, eating it. One fly breaks wind, and the other one turns to him and says, "Do you mind, I'm eating!"
SCHOOL 1977 vs. SCHOOL 2007
Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1977 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lockdown, the F.B.I. are called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors are called in to assist traumatised students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra provincial funding because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbours car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.
1977 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.
1977 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Canadian Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against provincial school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Canada Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1977 - Ants die.
2007 - Canadian Firearms Centre and the RCMP are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. CSIS investigates parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy
umm, they really aren't...Quote:
Originally Posted by schmunk
I was visiting a quarry the other day, and i said, "thats a big rock"
and the guy said "boulder"
i said THATS A BIG ROCK
now thats a Tim Vine joke....
Honestly, they are: http://www.ecademy.com/node.php?id=100141.
some truly lmfao jokes here,.
cheers
Probably a repost but:
When you have a "I Hate My Job" day, try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested".
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."
I still think it's reasonable to credit them to Tommy Cooper. Telling jokes is an art form mastered by Tommy; Tommy could say something that didn't look funny on paper, but when he said it...Quote:
Originally Posted by schmunk
Tim Vine (whoever he is) may have written many of these jokes but they were immortalised by the genius that was Tommy Cooper.
I would say get over it Tim and be thankful that some stuff you wrote has become legend thanks to the late great Tommy Cooper.
umm, Tim Vine is a lot younger than Tommy Cooper, and probably grew up listening to him :)
I've never (I promise) posted one of these before, but in this case I feel it's merited...Quote:
Originally Posted by santa claus
http://www.readthesmiths.com/article...Fail/1FAIL.jpg
Great success! :)Quote:
Originally Posted by 0iD
*facepalm*Quote:
Originally Posted by Salazaar
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact
.. 'Mary. Mary.'
'Is that you, Fred?'
'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'
'What's it like?'
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.
After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.'
'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.'
'Not exactly, I'm a f***in' Rabbit in Suffolk'
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, 'No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?'
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh." Bill declared.
"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Bill said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bill replied.
Things went downhill from there.
Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a ‘tragedy’.
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, then that would be a 'tragedy.'
No, said Gordon - that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a ‘tragedy’.
I'm afraid not, explained Gordon - that's what we would call great loss.
The room went silent.
No other children volunteered.
Gordon searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a ‘tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...
In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Alistair Darling was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'
'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!'
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.' Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, 'What's your name?'
The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.'
'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'
'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice..
Sincerely,
Dick Van Dyke!
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and 20 dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she l oves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie,' said Tommy.
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments,' answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.' The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, ' Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!' With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
Why it's in a 'joke' thread & not a 'true story' one :)Quote:
Originally Posted by finlay666
Should change the name, I went to google him to find out who he is and found thatQuote:
Originally Posted by 0iD
http://stixblog.com/wp-content/uploa...loutmascot.jpg
Not sure if that one's a repost, don't remember seeing it :D
Donald Duck is having a dirty weekend away in a fancy hotel, while he is waiting for his bit of skirt to turn up he calls reception.
"Can I have some condoms sent upto my room please ?" Asks Donald
The receptionist replies
"Certainly sir, shall I put them on your bill ?"
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'
The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!'
'OK,' said the old Jewish man,' it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
'You bastard! They won't let me in without a tie!'
I hear Mr. T wanted to go horseriding today. He particularly likes colourful, patterned horses like piebalds. But when he got there, the stable owner said "Sorry, sir, but we only have this brown horse left, and it's too young to be ridden."
Mr. T looked at him and said, "I ain't gettin' on no plain foal!"
sorry!
I'm ashamed, but I lol'd :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Mblaster
I saw a guy in the bar last night, chatting up a cheetah
I think he was trying to pull a fast one....
(Tim Vine)
:) nice
What's the difference between men and women?
Women must play hard to get; men must get hard to play!
What do you call a lawyer was an IQ of 50?
You Honor
Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight?
She wanted to get a dark tan.
What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
An Italian suppository.
Did you hear about the blonde virgin who wasn't upset about losing her cherry?
She figured she could always get a new one, since she still had the box it came in.
What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
If you throw a load in a washing machine, it doesn't follow you around for 3 days.
Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box.
Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
So she could lip read.
Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
All you have to do is scratch the box to win.
What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl?
"Just flush it like everybody else does."
Hear about the blonde explorer?
She bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.
How can you tell if the blonde is a nurse?
She can make a patient without disturbing the bed.
What does a blonde have in common with the United States Army?
They're open to any man between the ages of eighteen and thirty-five.
A termite walks into a bar and asks, where is the bar tender?
Quoted for ironyQuote:
Originally Posted by TK29
Why do you live like a NUN after you get married?
NUN in the morning, NUN in the afternoon, NUN in the
evening, NUN what so ever!
Bob Geldof, Ozzy osbourne and Gary Glitter are on the Titanic as it's going down. "Save the children" shouts Bob. Ozzy exclaims "f*ck the children". Glitter replies "But do we have time!?"
Potentially a bit too far, but it is an old joke.....
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with Him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely..
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my
butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.'
http://f.imagehost.org/0301/Laser_Post_Scarylaser-1.gif
I found it funny anyway... :rolleyes:
Hmm, there seems to be less dodgy in here. :(
Let me put that straight with a nice little poem..
*WARNING* Contains epic amounts of dodgy *WARNING*
In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.
In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.
As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.
At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.
And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.
They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.
Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.
Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside.
The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.
Then down through the years,
People did screw,
And now it is time,
For me and you.
So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Cause I'm in the mood,
For a piece of that ASS!
After an evening out, Roger was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.
You want dodgy?
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
GORDON BROWN IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT WORK.
HE LEADETH ME BESIDE THE STILL FACTORIES.
HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY. (wut?!?!)
HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT.
YEA, THOUGH I WAIT FOR MY DOLE,
I OWN THE BANK THAT REFUSES ME.
BROWN HAS ANOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES,
MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME,
SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL FOLLOW ME ALL THE DAYS OF HIS TERM.
FROM HENCE FORTH WE WILL LIVE ALL THE DAYS
OF OUR LIVES IN A RENTED HOME WITH AN OVERSEAS LANDLORD.
I AM GLAD I AM BRITISH,
I AM GLAD I AM FREE.
BUT I WISH I WERE A DOG
AND BROWN WAS A TREE.
On the subject of predicted text failures:
The local pub in town is called the crown. So when my mate, Dave, asked a particularly nice female if she wanted to meet up.
''fancy gettin food in the crown?''
It was inevitably written as:
''fancy gettin done in the brown?''
Little Old Lady in court......
Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own Words,
what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front Porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the Porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good.
Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.
I haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling really 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me!'
Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled,
'April Fool!'
And that's when I shot him, the little b******d.
CREDIT CRUNCH TIPS
DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune
and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you
like and hum that instead.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity
stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old
bank statements.
HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by
moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.
SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by changing
your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,
DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; stand closer to the
object you wish to view.
AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive
vibrator.
LIVERPOOL FANS can save money on expensive new kits by
strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to
your allegiance.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking
around wearing a miner's hat.
HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the
price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in
your coat pocket.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross
out the names and address of people you don't know.
SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning
you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of
washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they will
wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.
OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, pop outside for ten
minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel the
benefit.
CAN'T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and
press them into your eyes.
WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips
from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.
MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.
MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a
window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.
SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them
before taking them to the counter to be weighed.
WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less anyway
and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house afterwards.
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered 'Is that one word or two?'
Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.
These are sentences allegedly typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow – personally I thinks it's a pile of arsebiscuits, but what the hell, some are mildly humourous.
1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Scouse Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford, Huddersfield and anywhere in Wales !
Great Hotel English translations of the World
Yugoslavian Hotel
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid
Japanese Hotel
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid
Swiss restaurant
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
Bangkok dry cleaners
Drop your trousers here for best results
Athens Hotel
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily
Bucharest Hotel
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable
Leipzig elevator
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up
Belgrade hotel elevator
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order
Moscow Hotel (across from a Russian Orthodox monastery)
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday
Austrian Hotel catering to skiers
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension
Polish Hotel menu
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion
Outside a Paris dress shop
Dresses for street walking
Rhodes (Tailor's)
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation
German camp site
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose
Zurich Hotel
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose
Rome laundry
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time
Bangkok temple
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man
Tokyo bar
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts
Norwegian cocktail lounge
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar
Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
Brochure of a car rental firm, Tokyo
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Nairobi Restaurant
Customers Who Find Our Waitresses Rude Ought To See The Manager.
Supermarket, Hong Kong
For Your Convenience, We recommend Courteous, Efficient Self-Service.
Spotted In A Safari Park
Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
Outside A Farm
Horse Manure
50c - per Pre-Packed Bag
20c - Do-It-Yourself.
Sign In A Launderette
Automatic Washing Machines
Please Remove All Your Clothes When The Light Goes Out
Sign in an Irish office
After morning coffee break, staff should empty the pot and stand upside down on the draining board.
Sign in a London department store
Bargain Basement Upstairs.
In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter
On the tap (faucet) in a Finnish washroom
To stop the drip, turn cock to right
Japan, Hotel bedroom
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED
Two blonds were flying from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, "Unfortunately, we have lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three engines left. However, instead of five hours, it will take seven hours to get to New York."
A little later, he told the passengers that a second engine had failed. "But we still have two engines left; we're still fine, except now it will take ten hours to get to New York."
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. "But never fear, because this plane can fly on a single engine. Of course, it will now take 18 hours to get to New York."
At this point, one blond turned to the other and said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever...'
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A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.
It looked good.
It smelled good.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on holiday down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
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The World's Easiest Quiz...
To pass, you need five correct answers (answers at the bottom):
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Answers below...
And here are the answers:
1) (How long did the Hundred Years War last?) 116 years
2) (Which country makes Panama hats?) Ecuador
3) (From which animal do we get catgut?) Sheep and Horses
4) (In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?) November
5) (What is a camel's hair brush made of?) Squirrel fur
6) (The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?) Dogs
7) (What was King George VI's first name?) Albert
8) (What colour is a purple finch?) Crimson
9) (Where are Chinese gooseberries from?) New Zealand
10) (What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?) Orange, of course
A blonde is flying in first class to new york but she's meant to be in Third class.
An air hostess ask her to move to correct seat but the reply she gets is "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to New York"
The air hostess tells the Chief Air Hostess that she won't move so she goes and trys. The chief air hostess gets the same answer "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to New York"
She decides to go and tell the first office. So the first officer asks the blonde to move and gets exactly the same result. "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to New York"
Finally the First Officer goes and tells the Captain who says. 'Let me handle this. My wifes blonde'
So he walks over to her and whispers something in her ear. The blonde jumps up and runs to the back of the plane.
The First Officer, Chief Air Hostess & the air hostess are amazed. They ask the Captain what he said to which he replied "Oh. I told her the 1st class section wasn't going to New York. She wants the 3rd Class part"
:mrgreen: