0iD is my role model :DQuote:
Originally Posted by JK Ferret
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0iD is my role model :DQuote:
Originally Posted by JK Ferret
I'm sure the BNP would give the same answer.Quote:
Originally Posted by Whiternoise
You may not be hate-filled, but that joke is.
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/parking.png
How many of us would love to do this? :)
I wonder if a man or a woman wrote this. [I have a theory.]Quote:
Originally Posted by shadowmaster
Maria had just married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous. Her mother reassured her: "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta."
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," said her mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his trousers exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his trousers and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
Her Mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta for me."
A recent survey done on the Seven Dwarfs found 6 out of 7 of them weren't Happy.
(Probably a repost, but someone told me this today and I thought it was quite funny. :))
Quick Word Game
Turn "SEAL" into "COAT" in four moves
SEAL
_ _ _ _
_ _ _ _
_ _ _ _
_ _ _ _
COAT
answer:
SEAL
CLUB
CLUB
CLUB
CLUB
COAT
SEAL
1. SEAT
2. SOAT ~(Snakes on a train)
3. COAT
COAT
:rolleyes:
SEALQuote:
Originally Posted by Georgy291
KILL
SKIN
CLEAN
TAILOR
COAT
Surely...?
;)
Or perhaps (actually in four moves):
SEAL
SEAT
MEAT
MOAT
COAT
nah lol
old club club club club sounds better
oh and btw before anyone desides to call me sick i got it off sikipedia i found it helerious and thought people on hexus might like it
by no means i suport clubing of seals
if you have no means, how do you support it?Quote:
Originally Posted by Georgy291
erm i dont?
im getting mixed messages here
That sentence is funnier than the joke.Quote:
Originally Posted by Georgy291
You posted it, no one forced you to 'share' it with us.
So, a seal walks into a club...
...bartender says "what you having?"
Seal says "I'll only have a half, out clubbing later"
Double post (didn't want to ruin the other joke)
Jade goody said before she passed away she was worried losing her hair would mean she lost her looks
Great to see cancer didn't ruin her sense of humour ;)
you would double if you were out clubbing laterQuote:
Originally Posted by finlay666
in ur thread etc
Girls:
If you get a message from your boyfriend saying that he wants to "kick your puppy", don't call the RSPCA...
He's just not very good at predictive text.
Again, i really don't see how?Quote:
Originally Posted by schmunk
Personally i think it's a case of either the joke being over-interpreted or just plain misinterpreted. This IS the "well dodgy joke thread" and that's hardly a dodgy joke - compared to some of the rest of the material here at any rate.
Finally, if you have that much of a problem with it - report it. That's what the button's for. I don't want to detract from the humourmongery!
And please think before bringing the BNP into this, they are a bunch of racist, ignorant pillocks and even that joke wasn't stooping to their level.
The KKK have introduced a new conservation program
"Keep the Arctic White"
(kindof stole off Bill Bailey)
You should see your signature. ;-)Quote:
Originally Posted by MadduckUK
... and says ouch?Quote:
Originally Posted by Mblaster
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
'Oi, what's your disability?'
I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'
A man met a beautiful blonde girl and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey.
A vicar books himself into a hotel and on check-in asks the receptionist if the hotels TV’s Porn Channel is disabled?
To which the receptionist replies – No just your standard blue movies……..!
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.
Not new, (oh, hell no,) but still funny. Have a "thanks".
Edit: You blatantly just copied and pasted this out of an email; man, you didn't even make the "sentences" into, well, full sentences.
Quote:
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
On reading an old one[Quotes in silver are mine.]Quote:
Originally Posted by 0iD
I note you posted this at 4am. You should try sleeping more. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by baius
Erm.. am i the only wondering if baius thought this was a quiz and not a joke?
Anyhoo, my joke for this week;
Q: How do elephants hide in trees?
A: Paint their balls red and pretend to be cherries.
Q: What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
A: Giraffes eating cherries.
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants stampeding over the horizon?
A: "Run for it! The elephants stampeding over the horizon!"
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants stampeding over the horizon wearing dark glasses?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming around the corner?
A: "Swim for it!!"
Budum-tish!
:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick
Yeah, 4am. I should've been sleeping. I couldn't sleep, so I wanted something to do.Quote:
Originally Posted by schmunk
(Nice to hear from you by the way, schmunk.)
@Nick, JK Ferret: I knew it wasn't a quiz. I just could think of daft replies to most of these, so I thought I'd post them. For the hell of it - and because the replies were "well dodgy".
Sorry if they took reading time from your jokes. I must restrain my fingers better in the future.
Sorry if it's a repost -
My lesbian friend gave me a Rolex the other day. I think she misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
No worries dude...I was like, double-you tee eff??? :)Quote:
Originally Posted by baius
Innuendos in Harry Potter:
* What d'you mean, I'm not brave in bed?" said Harry, completely nonplussed.
* "...I know you did Mark Evans two nights ago --"
"He was asking for it," snarled Dudley.
*"I heard you last night," said Dudley breathlessly. "Talking in your sleep. Moaning."
*"Ah well...wand still in your jeans?"
*"JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE ALLOWED TO USE MAGIC NOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO WHIP YOUR WAND OUT FOR EVERY TINY LITTLE THING!"
* "You two just Apparated on my knees!"
"Yeah, well, it's harder in the dark --"
* "There was a groan of bedsprings, and Harry's mattress descended a few inches as George sat down near his feet.
"So, got there yet?" said George eagerly.
* "...screwing up her eyes each time with the same pained expression she had worn back in Harry's bedroom."
* "Ron was lying sprawled on his back with his mouth wide open."
* "Quite astonishing, the way you contrive to wriggle out of very tight holes."
* "Or any part of your body, really, we're not fussy where we stick this."
* "...when it appears, it is always equipped for the seeker's needs. Dobby has used it, sir," said the elf, dropping his voice and looking guilty, "when Winky has been very drunk."
* "She's somethin' when she's roused, Olympe...fiery, you know...'spect it's the French in her..."
* "He was rather taller than Snape, who, Harry noticed, had balled his fist in the pocket of his cloak over what Harry was sure was the handle of his wand."
* "Stand up and take out your wand, Potter."
* "I thought not," said Snape, watching him closely. "You let me get in too far. You lost control."
* "Manners, Potter," said Snape dangerously. "Now, I want you to close your eyes."
Harry threw him a filthy look before doing as he was told. He did not like the idea of standing there with his eyes shut while Snape faced him, carrying a wand.
* "He was on all fours again on Snape's office floor."
* "Ron wrenched the hangings apart, and Harry stared up at him in the moonlight, as he lay flat on his back."
* "Yeah, Montague tried to do us during break," said George.
"What do you mean, 'tried'?" said Ron quickly.
* "Well, we'll soon find out, won't we?" said Snape smoothly. "Wand out, Potter."
Harry moved into his usual position...
* "But whether James really did take off Snape's pants, Harry never found out."
* "...did things with a wand I've never seen before..."
* "Sirius pushed his chair roughly aside and strode around the table towards Snape, whipping his wand out as he went; Snape whipped out his own."
* "Snape eyed Harry, tracing his mouth with one long, thin finger as he did so."
* "Well?" said Ron finally, looking up at Harry. "How was it?" Harry considered for a moment.
"Wet." He said truthfully.
* "What did he do to you, Diddy?" Aunt Pentunia said in a quavering voice, now sponging sick from the front of Dudley's leather jacket. "Was it-- was it you-know-what, darling? Did he use-- his thing?"
* "He bit hard on his pillow, to stop himself from making a noise."
* "Running to Daddy now, are you? Is his ickle boxing champ frightened of nasty Harry's wand?"
* Harry snorted. He walked around the room again, looking anywhere but at Ron and Hermione. "So what have you two been doing if you're not allowed in meetings?" he demanded. "You said you'd been busy."
* "Say hello to him [Hagrid] for us!" called Hermione, as Harry proceeded down the ward. "And ask him what's happening about...about his little friend!"
* "... every part of him screaming for release, Harry felt the creature use him again..."
* "Fred and George were looking particularly annoyed; both were bandy-legged and winced with each movement..."
* "Don't put your wand there, boy!" roared Moody.
* "He came last night, when you were in bed," said Mr. Weasley.
* "He let out a long, slow breath and stared up at the brilliant blue sky. Every day this summer had been the same: the tension, the expectation, the temporary relief, and then mounting tension again...and always, growing more insistent all the time, the question of why nothing had happened yet."
* "Anyway, its a nightmare of a year, the fifth," said George. "If you care about exam results, anyway. Fred and I managed to keep our peckers up somehow."
* "He [Harry] tried to eat, but it was like chewing carpet."
* Put that away, will you?" said Sirius finally, as James made a fine catch and Wormtail let out a cheer. "Before Wormtail wets himself from excitement."
* "I see," said Uncle Vernon, looking from his white-faced wife to Harry and hitching up his trousers. He seemed to be swelling...
* "'Don't kill Cedric! Don't kill Cedric!' Who's Cedric -- your boyfriend?"
* "Ha ha ha, Harry, look at it--" said Ron, watching it disgorge its gaudy innards. "Harry, come and touch it, bet it's weird--"..."Harry, look what's happen--no--no, I don't like it--no, stop--stop--"
* "Kreacher won't *quite* as devoted to him as to my mother, but I still caught him snogging a pair of my father's old trousers last week."
* "One more lesson like that and I might just do a Weasley."
* "That was me," he said. "I was slashed..."
* "...which left Harry free to sit down on the grass between the beech and the bushes and watch the foursome under the tree."
* "Kreacher was disappearing through the door to the hall, looking back at them malevolently as he hitched up his loincloth..."
* "Harry's heart began to pump very fast indeed. Defence against external penetration?"
* ...She pressed hard on the top of his head. "Doesnt it ever lie flat?" she said desperately. Harry shook his head.
* "Panting, Harry fell forwards over the hydrangea bush, straightened up and stared around. There were several faces peering trough various nearby windows. Harry stuffed his wand hastily back into his jeans and tried to look innocent."
* "He and all the other Weasleys froze on the threshold, gazing at the scene in front of them, which was also suspended in mid-action, both Sirius and Snape looking toward the door with their wands pointing into each other's faces and Harry immobile between them..."
* "We're not going to use magic," Ron ejaculated loudly.
* "I don't think private matters between myself and the Minister are any concern of yours, Potter," said Malfoy, smoothing the front of his robes. Harry distinctly heard the gentle clinking of what sounded like a full pocket of gold. "Really, just because you are Dumbledore's favourite boy, you must not expect the same indulgence from the rest of us...shall we go up to your office, then, Minister?"
* “Well-- it’s just that you seem to be labouring under the delusion that I am going to-- what is the phrase?-- come quietly. I am afraid I am not going to come quietly at all, Cornelius.”
* "Zacharias folded his arms and said nothing, though perhaps this was because he was too busy keeping an eye on the instrument in Fred's hand."
* "This'll liven you up, Padfoot," said James quietly.
* "Snape lay panting on the ground. James and Sirius advanced on him, wands raised..."
* "I DID IT!" said Neville gleefully. "I've never done it before -- I DID IT!"
* "Who?" said Harry quickly.
"Ginny Weasley, " said Katie.
Harry gaped at her.
"Yeah, I know," said Angelina, pulling out her wand and flexing her arm. "But she's pretty good, actually. Nothing on you, of course," she said, throwing him a very dirty look, "but as we can't have you..."
* "I was sure if he realized that our relationship was - or ever had been - closer then that of headmaster and pupil..."
* "A couple of weeks after his dream of Rookwood, Harry was to be found, yet again, kneeling on the floor of Snape's office..." (Australian edition)
* Snape's office door banged open and Draco Malfoy sped in.
"Professor Snape, sir - oh - sorry -"
Malfoy was looking at Snape and Harry in some surprise. ( Australian edition)
* "You are not in a position to bargain, Potter," said Lucius Malfoy, his pale face flushed with pleasure. ( Australian edition)
* "You think you're such a big man, Potter," said Malfoy, advancing now, Crabbe and Goyle flanking him. "You wait. I'll have you." ( Australian edition)
* "... his right, Malfoy's arm extended, too, reaching, groping... It was over in two, breathless, desperate, windswept seconds- Harry's fingers closed around the... ball..."
* Both Sirius and Snape lowered their wands... the unexpected entrance of so many witnesses seemed to have brought them to their senses...
"But what's going on?" asked Mr. Weasley.
"Nothing, Arthur," said Sirius, who was breathing heavily as though he had just run a long distance."
* "Mrs Weasley returned from Diagon Alley around six o' clock, laden with books and carrying a long package wrapped in brown paper that Ron took from her with a moan of longing."
* Fred and George exchanged looks.
"You don't mind if we don't kiss you, do you, Ron?"
all the above are just from Order of the Phoenix...
* Yeh've got to stroke 'em," said Hagrid, as though this was the most obvious thing in the world. "Look-"
* "You are easily satisfied. Lupin is hardly overtaxing you--"
* "What are you doing?" said Harry curiously. "How come you're not going to Hogsmeade?"
"We've come to give you a bit of festive cheer before we go," said Fred with a mysterious wink. "Come in here..."
He nodded toward an empty classroom to the left of the one-eyed statue. Harry followed Fred and George inside. George closed the door quietly and then turned, beaming, to look at Harry.
"Early Christmas present for you, Harry," he said.
Fred pulled something from his cloak with a flourish...
* "How come Fred and George never gave it to me!" said Ron, outraged. "I'm their brother!"
* "Can we have another go? Just one more go?"
"Not now," said Lupin firmly. "You've had enough for one night."
* "Something sliver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wand"
The Gryffindor Quiddich team orgy:
* "That's my boy!" Wood kept yelling. Alicia, Angelina, and Katie had all kissed Harry; Fred had him in a grip so tight Harry felt as though his head would come off.
* "Tangled together in a many-armed hug, the Gryffindor team sank, yelling hoarsely, back to earth."
* "Harry had a confused impression of noise and bodies pressing in on him."
* "Professor Lupin hurled into the room, his face bloodless, his wand raised and ready."
* Lupin let go of Black and turned to her. She had raised herself off the floor and was pointing at Lupin, wild-eyed. "You-- you--"
"Hermione--"
"--you and him!"
"Hermione, calm down--"
"I didn't tell anyone!" Hermione shrieked. "I've been covering up for you--"
"Hermione, listen to me, please!" Lupin shouted. "I can explain--"
* "I'm going to tie him up," said Lupin. "That's all, I swear"
* "I bound and gagged Black, naturally"
* "Hermione, what--?" "In here!" Hermione seized Harry's arm and dragged him across the hall to the door of a broom closet; she opened it, pushed him inside among the buckets and mops, then slammed the door behind them.
* "Hermione's mouth was slightly open by the time Harry had finished."
* "But Harry could hardly swallow."
* "Why so miserable, Harry?" he said quietly. "You should be very proud of yourself after last night."
* "I knew your father very well, both at Hogwarts and later, Harry," he said gently.
some gems from Prisoner of Azkaban.., and now some mixed treasures...
* 'Thirteen and a half inches. Yes. Powerful wand, very powerful, but in the wrong hands
* Hagrid- "well done Harry. Now I think he will let you ride him."
Harry-"What?"
hagrid lifts harry* (from PoA film)
* McGonagall: "Place your right hand on my waist..."
Ron: "Where?!"
McG. "My waist."
GoF movie
Let's see how long we can make this page... ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Powderhound
i think we should stop now ??Quote:
Originally Posted by schmunk
I don't understood what you said there - but it sounds friendly... ;-)Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick
I think you should. I was a bit ticked off about having to scroll down, with the 1st person quoting the whole message, until, of course, I realised it was a "dodgy joke".Quote:
Originally Posted by Georgy291
Then I laughed.
Then you did it.
Then I laughed.
(But no more, please.)
No worries dude = friendlyQuote:
Originally Posted by baius
Double-you tee eff = w t f = what the ....
I'm sure you can work out the rest :P
I think that would be a good idea ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Georgy291
I don't remember reading that line ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Georgy291
Just to add to that Harry Potter thing, there's the good ol' Bash entry.
Quote:
<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<JonJonB> Let's see the results...
<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything
<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.
<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "
<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls
<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"
<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.
<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.
<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.
<JonJonB> Ok
<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof
<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
<melusine > O_______O
<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang
<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.
<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.
We are in childish mood today.
Boobs.Quote:
Originally Posted by Brucelles
:mrgreen:
A kid is walking home from school and he finds an old pair of welder's goggles. He puts on the old welder’s goggles and he’s walking around like he’s a superhero, grabbing sticks and zooming around fighting evil.
Then a limousine pulls up and a guy in the back seat says, “Hey, do you want a ride home? Get in.”
The kid says, “Oh, no, my mum says I can’t take rides in cars with strangers.”
And the guy says, “Well, your mum is right, you shouldn’t take rides in cars, but this isn’t a car—it’s a limousine.”
The kid says, "Well, okay" and gets in, still with his welder’s goggles on.
They drive away and the man asks, “Do you know what homosexuality is?” and the boy says, “No.”
Then the man asks, “Do you know what sodomy is?” And the kid says, “No.”
And then the man says, “Do you know what pederasty is?” And the kid goes "Actually mister, I'm not really a welder.