:lol: The old ones are the best!
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A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather (abuelo) in a nursing home.
All the Hispanic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Irish home.
After a few weeks in the Irish facility, they came to visit grandpa.'How do you like it
here?' asks the grandson.
'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,says grandpa.
'We're so happy for you.We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.
'Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents'
Abuelo says with a big smile.
'There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old, he hasn't played the violin in 20 years
and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!
There is a judge in here -- he's95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!
There's a dentist here -- 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him
'Doctor'!
And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The F*****g Mexican'.
Today, make the little things count.
Teach arithmetic to some dwarves
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What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexics Assossiation
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If you really want to get stoned...drink wet cement
A man spends all night drinking at a pub.
When it's time to go, he stands up...and falls flat on his face.
So he decides to crawl outside, in the hopes that the fresh air will sober him up some.
Once outside, he tries to stand up, and once again falls over, so he has to crawl the half-mile home.
Once there, he manages to prop himself up against the door while he unlocked it, only to fall on his face again when it opened, after which he crawls upstairs.
When he reaches his bed, he makes one last effort, but collapses, and goes to sleep...
The next morning he is woken by his wife's shouting.
'You've been out on the booze again, haven't you?!' she yells
'What makes you say-' he begins
'Don't even try lying!' she screams, 'The pub rang, you left your wheelchair behind again!'
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A teacher is playing a guessing game with her class.
'What have I got behind my back?' she asks. 'I'll give you a clue - it's round, red and juicy.'
'A tomato' answers little Jenny.
'No,' says teacher, 't's an apple, but I like the way you're thinking. OK, what have I got this time? The clue is: it's small, green and hairy.'
'A gooseberry?' tries little Simon.
'No, it's a kiwi fruit, but I like the way you're thinking.'
Little Johhny sticks his hand in the air and says 'Miss, guess what I'm holding in my pocket.'
'Give me a clue,' says the teacher.
'Well, it's round, hard, and has a head on it,' goes Johnny.
'That's disgusting!' exclaims the teacher.
'Actually, no,' replies Johnny, 'it's a coin - but I like the way you're thinking!'
What does a ginger miss most about parties?
The invitation.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A. The position of the dirt bag.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A. 100 people who don't do dick.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do lawyers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A. 20 kgs.
Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
A. 45 minutes.
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9. Who has the biggest boobs?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.
Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A. A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. 'Are you sure it's mine?'
Q. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A. Pepper spray will do that to you .
Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.
Q. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
A. No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
Q. W hat do you call a Welsh farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.
Q Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80- year-old lady to say the "F" word?
A Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"
HEALTH WARNING!http://premium1.uploadit.org/g33k0iD//ATT141609.jpg
Do Not Swallow Your Chewing Gum!
A married couple were tsking a drive through the Cornish countryside. Enjoying the sites and seeing all the animals, the husband spoke winking at the wife
"Seeing those pigs earlier reminmded me of some of your family"
Enraged by this remark the wife responded "Yes, inlaws"
A young wife was complaing that she didn't have enough gadgets to make nice meal in the kitchen for him. The husband went out that day and bought her everything. A top of the range food mixer, micorwave, range style cooker, a large fridge freezer, just about everything you can think of.
A few weeks later she started moaning she had no room to store all her kitchen gadgets in, so the husband bought her an electric chair.
What is old, yellow, ugly and lives alone ? Yoko Ono.
A 45 year old woman, Edna, had a heart attack and was taken to the
Hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another
43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'
Upon recovery, Edna decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her
Teeth! The full package and since she had so much more time to live,
she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital but, while
Crossing the street on her way home, she was run over by an ambulance
And killed.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had
Another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
Ambulance?'
God replied: 'F*** me Edna, I didn't recognise you!!!!!
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again. So she put an ad in the local newspaper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?' the widow said. 'Just look at you - you have no legs!' The old gentleman smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!' 'You don't have any arms either!' she snorted. Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed??' The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'I rang the doorbell, didn't I?'
The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People--
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants '
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have a beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'
Q. Whats white and can't climb trees?
A. A fridge
Q. what do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head?
A. Sistermatic
Q. A woman was walking down the road when she fell down a man hole, how did she get out?
A. she had a ladder in her tights
Classic old jokes from school:
Theres an english man, an irish man and a scots man in a house together and they are all in desperate need of a little relief...
The Englishman pipes up and says "I have an idea!", he leaves and comes back an hour later with an inflatable doll.
"right my turn first" He goes upstairs, comes back down 10min later and says "yup! not bad".
Next the scotsman goes, comes back down 10min later... "sorted"
Then its the Irishmans turn, he goes upstairs and comes back down five minutes later... "well that was good but when I went to give her a love bite she farted and flew out the window!"
What looks like 1/2 a cat?
The other half :D
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
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Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
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For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
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Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times."
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the cur se on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
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The reason MPs try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle . They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a
Wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
"Take the poison."
A young monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . .
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed the R We missed the R !'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot,
'What's wrong, father?'
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
'The word was...
'CELEBRATE !!!'
Went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up.
He said I had to stop rubbishrubbishrubbishrubbishing! I asked him 'Why?'
He said 'Because I'm trying to examine you'!
Farmer giles gets a phone call from his farm hand.
I've run over a pig and it's stuck under the tractor still alive....shoot it says the farmer, and then bury him...
About 20min later he gets another phone call... Done that, what should i do with his speed camera?
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily
the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking tinkle and bullet
came out," replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom,
I was taking tinkle and bullet ! came out!"
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the
Mom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
"You got Male!"
Q:
What's worse than a cardboard box?
A:
Paper Tits.
This is my contribution, courtesy of my Mum...
An elephant said to a camel
Why are you wearing your boobs on your back?
The camel replied...
...That is a funny question from someone who wears his d*ck on his face!
This has probably been done before but frankly I can't be arsed to look :p
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other
as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, evens
though it's only for £32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they
want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite
foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
Son asked his mother the following question:
"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies,
"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
..........
..........
"Son, all household appliances come in white."
SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE
This is the message that apparently a Secondary School staff in the Midlands voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.
This is the actual (allegedly) answering machine message for the school. It came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and Parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
The school and teachers are now being threatened with legal action by some parents who want their children's failing marks changed topassing marks - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the term and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their various key stages.
The outgoing message:***************************
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right member of staff, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work - Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your Newsletter and several letters posted to you - Press 5
* If you want us to bring up your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
* To complain about bus transport - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
LASTLY:
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a really wonderful day!
That last one is genius! :D
Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, she said, 'Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila.'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. She looked up again and said, 'Never mind. I found one. '
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
q. where do you usually find frogspawn
a. on the top shelf of a frog newsagent..
Two gynecologists were talking and one said to the other, "Last week I had a patient with tits like melons. That big!"
The other one replied, "That's nothing, yesterday I had a patient with a clit like a lemon."
"What that big?"
"No that sour."
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me', she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.
"Ah Yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
-- Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
-- Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
-- Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles you chances for a date on Saturday night."
-- Rodney Dangerfield
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
-- George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
-- Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex -- no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bi*ch"
-- Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
-- Barbara Bush
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
-- Roseanne Barr
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do of undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-- Robert De Niro
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
-- Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for 20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noonone day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex,
these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
oops, sorry guys.. a bit too far...
If you knew if was that dodgy, why post it? I know there are lots of people that won't find it funny, and it may very well get deleted.
Just a heads up for future reference.
Just wanted to say some excellent jokes here. Thanks to all you have made my morning :)
I dunno.. maybe because 1+2 = 3?
Do we have to edit all currency denominations and make them English these days? Do I have to check that my work spell checker (defaults to the US dictionary as that's company policy) converts all US versions of English words correctly? And I have to do that in a thread supposedly for "the rest of the chaff that's not necessarily obscene that can't go anywhere else"?
English beaurocracy at it's best.. makes me feel all proud :)
Duly chastised :)
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
Brilliant shadowmaster, actually made me laugh.
A man is sitting on a train next to a woman. He sneezes, calmy take out his willy, wipes it in a tissue and calmly puts it away again. The woman sat next to him is utterly grossed out by this but assumes it's a one off.
She amazed to see him do it again, and again, and again.
Enraged now, she finally says something.
"Thats 10 times in the last hour I've seen you sneeze, take out your penis, and wipe it ina tissue and put it away again"
The man looks at her and says
"Oh I'm very sorry if I've offended you but I have a very rare condition, that every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm. I'm on medication for it"
She feels a bit silly now
"Oh I'm sorry to have said anything, but what medication are you taking for this condition ?"
Smiling, the man replies
"Pepper!"
It's all sorted and everyone is happy.
There's dodgy, well dodgy and then there's a joke too far over the line, which is why it was pulled.
Normal service is up and running and on with the jokes.
Two tramps were walking along a train line. The first one says, "two days ago I was walking along here and I found a dead dog. I had breakfast, lunch and dinner. It was great."
To which the second tramp replied, "That's nothing. Last week I was walking along here and I met a woman. I took her behind that bush and we had sex for three days."
The first one says in amazement, "Wow did you get a blowjob?"
And the second replies, "No I couldn't find the head."
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get home.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other, eh?
NOTE:
Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his arse with only 2 inches showing.
His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it.
Why do men die first
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries. But, now we know.
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.
If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you ... it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks ... it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet ... it's male indifference.
If you cry ... you're a wimp.
If you don't ... you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you ... she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination.
If SHE asks you ... it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert.
If you don't ... you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist.
If you don't ... you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain.
If you don't ... you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers ... you're after something.
If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself.
If you don't ... you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache ... she's tired.
If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often ... you're oversexed.
If you don't ... there must be someone else.
Bottom Line: Men die first because they want to.
The sad thing about that last joke is that it is becoming ever more the norm in today's society :( Stupid nanny state and the PC Brigade :rant:
Time's like these, it's lucky we have jokes like these to keep our spirits up :)
What do fat birds and mopeds have in common ?
They are fun to ride till your mates find out.
Making a baby:
Hilarious and there is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...''
Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs. Smith.
Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much to big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.........
The making a baby joke, quality :)
This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just
> imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many
> Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is
> called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are
> married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant
> answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
> questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with
> (phone number) for verification. = If their partner answers those same =
>> three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City
> drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing
> you've heard yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:
> DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'
> Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'
> DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
> you win.
> What is your name? First only please.'
Contestant: 'Brian.'
> DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'
> Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'
> DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'
> Brian: 'Sara.'
> DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'
> Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'
> DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'
> Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'
> DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'
> Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'
> DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
> Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'
> DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'
> Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'
> DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said
> that if a trip wasn't at stake.'
Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'
> DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this =
> morning?
> Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'
> DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'
> Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us
> for couple of weeks...'
> DJ: 'Uh huh...'
> Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'
DJ: 'A nuisance tta boy, Brian.'
Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'
> DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
> times I've done it.
> Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's
> work number and call her up.
>You listen to this.'
> [ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
> DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch
> tones.....ringing....)
> Clerk: 'Kinkos.'
DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'
Clerk: 'This is she.'
> DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air
> right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'
Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'
DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian
> knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose.
Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'
Sarah: 'No.'
DJ: 'Good!'
> Brian: (laughing)
> Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'
> Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
> completely honest.'
> DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions,
> Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the
> both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
> Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'
> DJ: 'What time?'
Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'
DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'
> Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'
DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect is
> manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one
> question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you
> ready?'
> Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
> DJ: 'Where did you have it?'
> Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'
> Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'
> DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'
> Sarah: 'Well...'
> DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
> Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have
> a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.
> Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police
> just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.
http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/b...orlylolkh6.jpg :stupid: i just don't get it..:surrender:
You're not the only one, I actually EXPLAINED it to my brother at least 5 times. He still doesn't understand
/shakes head
It's an owl. Owls make a 'HOO' noise. Hoo sounds the same as Who. Therefore...
knock knock.
hoo (owl) is there?
o rly? (i.e., how did you know?)
kinda thought so i was trying to make it more complicated than it was. hoo's there.. oh i suppose so..
(can't thank you on here i see but thank you anyway)
Ah, it all becomes clear now.
Not really much of a joke if it has to be explained to that extent. :)
If you get it to start off with, it is rather funny. Obviously, it requires your funny radar to be tuned to the right frequency :)
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".
The first nun says, "I've always wanted to know what it must be like to be truly saintly, so I'd like to go back as Mother Theresa" and POOF she's gone.
The second says, "I would have loved to know our Lord while he was on Earth so I'd like to be Mary Magdalene" and POOF she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini".
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, I have a list here of everyone who's ever lived and that name isn't on it."
"There must be some mistake" says the nun. "I have a newspaper article about her right here"
She takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing. "No Sister" he laughs, "this says Sahara Pipeline, laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"
kind of old so stop me if you've heard it...:)
a guy was living away from home & rang up regularly to see how everyone was. one day he phoned, his brother answered, & as soon as the guy asked how things were his brother said 'The cat's dead.' Kind of upset, as he was fond of their old cat, the guy said 'Well you could have broken that to me a bit more gently! Why didn't you invent a little story to soften the blow...? for example... something like... the cat was playing with its favourite ball up on the roof, when it slipped & fell awkwardly... you took it to the vets & things looked touch & go, but you hoped for the best... then after that you could have said that sadly the cat didn't make it - it would have been less of a shock that way.' The brother said yes he saw what the guy meant, & was sorry, etc. Next week the guy rang home, his brother answered, and when asked how things were he said. 'Well I've got some bad news about Mum. I'm afraid she was playing with her favourite ball up on the roof....'
this was on the quotes widget on igoogle today
Made me laugh :PQuote:
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
Sandbox
A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.
The teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?'
Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand box'
'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell "sand" on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit' Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.
'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.
The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'
Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box'
'Very good' says the teacher. 'If you can spell "box" on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit'
Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.
'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.
Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'
'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me and calling me nasty names'
'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I tell you what, if you can spell "blatant racial discrimination" I will give you a biscuit'
British Earthquake....
Not often I send these types of things out but with the earthquake last
night it really makes you think...
With all the news on TV lately about the hurricanes that America is
experiencing, the typhoons in China, flooding in Switzerland and recent
mud slides in South America, we shouldn't forget that the UK has its
share of devastating natural disasters too.
Attached is a photo illustrating the damage caused to my home from the
earthquake that occurred last night.
It really makes you cherish what you have, and reminds us not to take
things for granted.
Do take care of yourself and be safe.
http://dave87.hosted.niknak.org/Misc/Damage2_1.jpg
Q:- Whats the ideal weight for a mother in law?
A:- About 1.5kg including the urn
:|
Dave87 - just seen this post - very funny. Hope the clean-up isn't ongoing! Insurance job?
Whats the difference between harry Potters wand and a police truncion?
One is for cunning stunts....
Arrested for laughing!
This is from an actual trial in the UK : A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.
When She Noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on Account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing...... She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.
His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.. She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'
The case was dismissed!
I doubt this was actually true though...
oh how i wish it was
Dunlop have never advertised in such a way, or nor should they
I know its a fake story!
Here is another:
The Pure Wife
There was a man who wanted a pure wife, so he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home.
When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?"
She replies "A cock."
He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.
She replies, "A cock".
He is angry because she seemed more pure than the first but.... A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house.
He whips it out and asks, "What is this?"
She giggles and says, "A pee-pee."
He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says, "That's your pee-pee."
He finally breaks down and says, "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."
She laughs and says "No it's not, A cock is nine inches long and black!"
Size - Does it matter?
A young man was so paranoid about the size of his little tool that he could never work up the courage to have sex.
Then one day he fell in love with a nurse.
One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally scared, he told her of his problem.
"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh." Blushing the man drops his trousers.
"It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that."
"Really?" the relieved man asked.
She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."
a+ liked. kept me guessing till the last sentence (to both actually)
Maybe this one is a bit too dodgy, but I'll let you guys decide and delete if inappropriate
Dating different types of women
WHITE WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to make love but only in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMEN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and make love
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and make love
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and make love
ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You make love, she wants to marry you & insists on a -carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of making love.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.
JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You get terrific head.
Second Date: You get even more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and make love in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's Boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.
ARAB WOMEN:
First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire arab community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead!
Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?
1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
2. Its best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it with no hands, but its best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.
4. Its easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.
5. You can do it by yourself, but its usually not as much fun.
6. Its usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
7. Its best to have a soft place to land.
8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.
9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, its usually best to slow down and wait for them.
10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
11. Once you learn, you never forget how.
12. If you fall off get right back on.
13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.
14. Remember to signal before you change direction.
15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.
16. Sometimes its nice to have a cushy seat.
17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.
need to date more irish women, especially like they sound like (a female) there from the coors
edit: sorry dearest love you xxx
A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.
The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"
"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?"
"Sure."
First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."
The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through
the bar door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"
as long as you arent rickrolling us sim i dont mind at all. cant speak for all though
I found the funniest joke site ever! I think I have posted all the good ones though... except this:
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped you know, my tool to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show up and embarrass me."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?" Asked Jeff
"I kicked her in the face."
imagine a link to YouTube - RickRoll'D but you have to click through the whole song (or kill browser) to get rid of it
Three fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam. The first man waded out to her and said, Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?"
She replied, "no sir!"
So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked, "Did you like that?"
"Oh, indeed I did, sir!" she replied
The second man went out to her and asked, "Mermaid, have you ever had your breasts fondled?"
"No sir," she replied. So he set to and fondled and caressed and then asked, "How did you like that?"
She replied," It was most pleasurable, sir."
The third fellow approached and asked," Mermaid, have you ever been screwed?"
"No sir," she replied.
He said, "Well you have been now, the tide's gone out!"
In that case look here