Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Marriage Counselling
A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15
years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the
wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while fondling
her intimately.
The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in
a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week......
Can you do this?'
The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her
off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays, I play golf.'
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
yeah I love those graphical representations of songs... hilarious.
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
As all i've been working on for the last 3 weeks is this trade finding tools which produces charts these are quite brilliant.
"Percentage of boys brought to yard by respective milkshare".... excllenet.
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Chap goes to the doctors. "D-d-d-d-doctor, I j-j-j-j-just c-c-c-can't s-s-s-stop s-s-s-stuttering"
"OK young chappie" says the doctor, "Strip off & let's give you a thorough examination".
So, after a good hour of probing & tests, the doctor tells him to get dressed & sit down.
"Well young man, the problem, in my professional opinion, is that your willy is about 12 inches too long"
The chap is quite taken aback, then after a few minutes contamplation he asks the doctor to do the necessary.
As luck would have it, the doctor has a space in his day surgery & agrees to perform the reduction that very afternoon.
A week goes by & the young chap is back to see the doctor for a check-up.
"Doctor, the result of the surgery is nothing short of miraculous! No stutter at all, but the wife, she's not happy, not happy at all. Can you preform a reversal? I'd rather have the stutter to be honest"
Doc looks at him, shakes his head "S-s-s-sorry s-s-s-son, but n-n-n-not b-b-b-bloody likekely!"
:p
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset. I shall be back home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on
the dining room table:
To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Ritz Carlton with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is also 18 years old.
As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A guy goes for a job interview.
Everything is going quite well but the female interviewer is slightly perturbed by the man winking at her all the time.
It gets to the point where she feels she has to ask him what he means by all this winking as she saw it as a crude come-on which she didn't appreciate at all.
The man is very apologetic. "I'm sorry, I have a nerve condition that means I sometimes can't help but wink... I don't mean anything by it all."
She replies, "Ok, but it's very distracting... is there nothing you can do about it?"
"Well aspirin often helps, I have a pack here in my pocket somewhere..."
At which point he stands up and starts emptying his pockets out onto the table.
The woman is shocked to see packets and packets of condoms, dozens of them, appearing from the man's pockets.
"Hang on", she says, "I'm not entirely sure that you're right for the job if you walk around with all these condoms on you all the time... what kind of company do you think this is?"
"Oh no,", exclaims the man, "This lot isn't my fault, honestly!"
"Not your fault? How is dozens of packs of condoms not your fault?" she asks.
"Well", replies the man, "You try walking into a chemist's winking and asking for a pack of aspirin!"
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Nick, really, "condom"? Wouldn't that have been "Gentleman's Jerkin" in your day? :p
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Nick
A guy goes for a job interview.
Everything is going quite well but the female interviewer is slightly perturbed by the man winking at her all the time.
It gets to the point where she feels she has to ask him what he means by all this winking as she saw it as a crude come-on which she didn't appreciate at all.
The man is very apologetic. "I'm sorry, I have a nerve condition that means I sometimes can't help but wink... I don't mean anything by it all."
She replies, "Ok, but it's very distracting... is there nothing you can do about it?"
"Well aspirin often helps, I have a pack here in my pocket somewhere..."
At which point he stands up and starts emptying his pockets out onto the table.
The woman is shocked to see packets and packets of condoms, dozens of them, appearing from the man's pockets.
"Hang on", she says, "I'm not entirely sure that you're right for the job if you walk around with all these condoms on you all the time... what kind of company do you think this is?"
"Oh no,", exclaims the man, "This lot isn't my fault, honestly!"
"Not your fault? How is dozens of packs of condoms not your fault?" she asks.
"Well", replies the man, "You try walking into a chemist's winking and asking for a pack of aspirin!"
lol very good I liked that :D
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'
A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an arsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Three Doctors were out playing a round of golf, they soon got onto which type of person they liked to operate on most.
The first one said :
"I like to operate on electricians, you know exactly where everything is as it's all colour coded"
The second one disagreed and said :
"I prefer to work on Mathematics teachers, everything is clearly numbered"
The third one piped up and said :
"No, I prefer to operate on Politicians, there head and ass are fully interchangeable"
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
3 women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....
that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and a mask over their eyes
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask.
He saw me he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long
The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night
The married one: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work,
opens the door and says:
'Alright Batman, what's for dinner?'
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Hear the one about the nun?
This drunk guy comes out of a bar, and walks up to a nun in this big black cape.
Wham! He slugs her in her teeth. She goes down and he keeps on pounding her.
After about 5 minutes he stops, looks at her and says:
"You're not so tough, Batman!"
From La Haine - brilliant film if you've not seen it.
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
La Haine is one of the best foreign language films i've seen.
I am all out of jokes today. so i shall go find one and report back later.
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
There's a line.. and that just about crosses it chap :) keep them a smidgen cleaner please !
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Jonathong
(yes i know it's phile)
At least get the first bit spelt correctly :rolleyes: