The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

[JK Ferret]

A man walks into the doctor's. 'Doctor, can you help me?' he says, 'My penis has holes all up and down it. When I go to the toilet it sprays out in all directions.' The doctor examines the organ and hands him a card with a name and address on it. 'Is this the name of a specialist?' asks the man. 'No,' says the doctor. 'He's a clarinet tutor. He'll teach you how to hold it.'

[JK Ferret]

I found these rather amusing:

NSFW... Problem solving flowchart

[Mblaster]

That may be a 'New Microsoft product' but ti's a 10 year old image The flow chart is great though

[JK Ferret]

That may be a 'New Microsoft product' but ti's a 10 year old image The flow chart is great though

Meh, I didn't know that. Still, it's keeping in line with the MS jokes

My favourite part of the flow chart: Does anyone else know? -> No -> Hide it

[Whiternoise]

If we're reviving old pictures..

[0iD]

A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra, but his request was denied.
'Why can't I have a double dose?' the man asked.
'It's not safe,' the doctor replied.

'But I need it really bad,' the man explained. 'My girlfriend is coming
into town on Friday, one of my ex's will be here on Saturday, and my
wife is coming home on Sunday.'

'Okay, I'll give it to you,' the doctor relented. 'But you have to come
in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side
effects.'

On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his
right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, 'What happened to you?'

The man said, 'No one showed up'

[0iD]

The very first time...

A young lady asks her boyfriend to come over Friday Night to meet, and have dinner with
her parents.

Since this is quite a landmark in their relationship, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go with him, to some romantic location and make love...
for the first time !!

Needless to say, the boy is ecstatic!! but he has never had sex before, so he decides to visit
his local pharmacy to obtain the necessary condoms, and get some much needed advice !!
He tells the pharmacist it's his ''first time'' and the pharmacist chats to the boy about sex, women,
and life in general, in a most helpful and avuncular manner, for the thick end of an hour or so.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about Condoms he plans to use and when the young
chap is at the register, ready to pay, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to
buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The young fellow insists on the family pack, just to make sure, it being his first time and all...and
quotes the time honored homily ''better safe than sorry'' !!.

That night, the ardent young man arrives punctually at his girl friends house, where she meets him
at the door."Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, please come in !"

The young chap goes inside and is taken straight in to the dinner table where the girl's parents are
already seated. Our hero, being a well mannered sort of fellow, immediately offers to say grace
... and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head bowed... exuding a most deeply
concentrated aire...... 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the young Lothario.

Finally, after some 20 minutes have passed in this unusually prolonged, pre-prandial prayer, the
daughter of the house leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were
this religious."

Our young man turns and whispers back, rather tremulously...
"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[0iD]

May be a repost, can't remember or be arsed to look.

A young couple went to the hospital, to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new
high-tech machine which would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the
baby's father, thusrelieving the mother from some of the stress of this extremely painful,
though joyous, ordeal.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. Both said they were very much in favor of it.


The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even
10 percent was probably much more pain than the father had ever experienced before..

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and
kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure
and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point, they decided to try for 50 percent.

The husband continued to feel quite well !!

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged
the doctor to transfer 100 percent of the pain, to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and her husband had
experienced none.

They were both ecstatic !!!


When they arrived home... they found the postman dead on their door step.

[0iD]

If we're reviving old pictures..

I have a copy of this dating back at least 20 years from my apprenticeship

[Whiternoise]

My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.

Have you seen those new adverts for the Citroen C5 car? Basically they are marketing it as an "Unmistakably German" car that turns out to be French. What the hell does that mean? A car that goes around starting wars and then immediately surrenders?

<-- REMOVED AS PER REQUEST -->

I went to a Premature Ejaculation Anonymous meeting the other day but nobody was there.
I think I came too early.

[TAKTAK]

<vamooshed>

[sleepyhead]

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says: 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says: 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says: 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says: 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says: 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says: 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says: 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says: 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says:

'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

[j.o.s.h.1408]

bunny suicide: there is loads but here is one pic of it

[sleepyhead]

They Walk Among Us
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale £50.' The next day someone Stole it.


Caution.... They Walk Among Us!


One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where???'


They Walk among us!!


While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.'


They Walk Among Us!!


My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.


They Walk Among Us!!!!


I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram sirloin. She informed me they only had an 500 g sirloin. Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 500 g steak instead of the half kg.


They walk among us!


My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car; it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the boot...


They Walk Among Us!!!!!


My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....


They Walk Among Us!!!!!!


I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...


They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional
and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...


They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!


While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.


Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!


Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce!!!!
__________________________________________________________________________________

Hell of a Week
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, 'Why so glum?'

The guy responded, 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

'Hell's not so bad,' the demon said. 'We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'

'Sure,' the man said, 'I love to drink.'

'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!'

The guy is astounded. 'Damn, that sounds great.'

'You a smoker?' the demon asked.

'You better believe it!'

'You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie You're already dead, remember?'

'Wow, the guy said, 'that's awesome!'

The demon continued. 'I bet you like to gamble.'

'Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.'

'Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?'

The guy said, 'Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . .'

'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!'

'Wow,' the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, 'I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

The demon said, 'You gay?'

'No.'

'Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!'
__________________________________________________________________________________

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. And those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in faeces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of ****.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing this as a public service.
__________________________________________________________________________________

" France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
Mark Twain
------------------------------
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
General George S. Patton
------------------------------
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
Norman Schwartzkopf
------------------------------
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
Marge Simpson
------------------------------
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure."
Jacques Chirac, President of France
------------------------------
"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
Regis Philbin
------------------------------
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
John McCain , U.S. Senator from Arizona
------------------------------
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."
David Letterman
------------------------------
"Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada ."
Ted Nugent
------------------------------
"War without France would be like .. World War II."
Unknown
------------------------------
"The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says 'First Iraq, then France.'"
Tom Brokaw
------------------------------
"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?"
Dennis Miller
------------------------------
"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us."
Alan Kent
-----------------------------
"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house."
Argus Hamilton
------------------------------
"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day --the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'"
Rep. Roy Blunt, MO
-----------------------------
"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq "
Dennis Miller
------------------------------
Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?
A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?
-----------------------------
"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris ? It's not known, it's never been tried."
Rep. R. Blount, MO
------------------------------
"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining."
John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv
------------------------------
The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.
------------------------------
French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
(AP), Paris , March 5, 2003
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris , caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

[dave87]

[hitman67]

Right place, Right time!