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Thread: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

  1. #609
    HEXUS.social member finlay666's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Dareos View Post
    just exactly what do you do that allows you to do s*** like this and still get paid?


    cos i want a job

    ps most impressed
    Software Test Engineer, I code test cases to automate testing on servers.

    It's called a team building exercise
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    Quote Originally Posted by tiggerai View Post
    I do like a bit of hot crumpet

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Is your partner overweight?

    Get them to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles at night.....




    After 2 weeks the fatty will be 84 miles way!

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    A store that sells new husbands has opened in the new Town Center, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

    'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

    'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

    'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

    PLEASE NOTE:

    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

    The first floor has wives that love sex.

    The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

    The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

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  5. #612
    Efficiently lazy shadowmaster's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Got this in an email, its long but I found it really funny.

    Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,

    Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

    Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
    As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Marys Crescent, which is just off St Marys Road in Bodmin.

    Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

    The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.

    I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

    What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

    I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
    I remain sir, your obedient servant
    *******

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    Mr *******,
    I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
    As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
    Regards
    PC *******
    Community Beat Officer
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear PC *******
    First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

    Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.

    Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these ***** that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock.

    Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on xxxxx. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
    Regards
    P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Whats the difference between a chav and a park bench?

    The bench can support a family
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    Quote Originally Posted by tiggerai View Post
    I do like a bit of hot crumpet

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Paedophilia is only a minor offence.

    --

    I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.

    How could anyone stoop so low?

    --

    Airlines have banned passengers from taking tweezers on board...

    Anybody who can hijack a plane using a set of tweezers deserves the ****ing plane.

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.

    They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

    __________________________________________________

    Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

    We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

    __________________________________________________

    Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

    Depends how much you've been drinking.

    __________________________________________________

    I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks (Sweden)?

    Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

    __________________________________________________

    Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

    What did your last slave die of?

    __________________________________________________

    Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

    A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

    __________________________________________________

    Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

    Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

    _________________________________________________

    Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

    Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

    __________________________________________________

    Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

    Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

    __________________________________________________

    Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

    You are a British politician, right?

    _________________________________________________

    Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

    No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.

    Milk is illegal.

    __________________________________________________

    Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

    Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

    ________________________________________________

    I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

    It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

    __________________________________________________

    I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

    Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

    __________________________________________________

    Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

    Yes, gay night clubs.

    __________________________________________________

    Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

    Only at Christmas.

    __________________________________________________

    I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA)

    Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

    __________________________________________________

    Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

    Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Whiternoise View Post
    Airlines have banned passengers from taking tweezers on board...

    Anybody who can hijack a plane using a set of tweezers deserves the ****ing plane.
    Ed Byrne?
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    Quote Originally Posted by tiggerai View Post
    I do like a bit of hot crumpet

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Sickipedia actually, but hey they steal jokes from everywhere

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    There once was a man who was old,

    Who wanted a beer that was cold,

    He reached for his cup...

    "NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP..."

    LOL YOU JUST GOT LIMMERICK RICKROLL'D!!!!

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Whats a Wombat for?

    Playing Wom.

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Whiternoise View Post
    I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.

    How could anyone stoop so low?
    That got a major rofl from me
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give £50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

    As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered £100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65.

    To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.

    After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to £200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the dang brakes on that truck!"

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

    He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

    He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

    Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

    Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

    “I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

    “And what do you deduce from that?”

    Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,


    Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.


    Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.


    Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.


    Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.


    Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

    But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

    Holmes is silent for a moment.

    “Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
    Last edited by samcross; 03-09-2008 at 04:02 PM.

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Anyone who is a fan of the radio show I'm Sorry, I Haven't A Clue may recognise a few of these next posts

    On the subject of innappropriate book begginings - the Mr. Men books.

    Mr. Big was the envy of all the other Mr. Men.
    No-one was more full of surprises than Mr. Ladyboy.
    Mr. Politically-Incorrect awoke and found himself surrounded by Frogs, Wops, Huns and Deigos.



    (awaits flaming for that last one. sorry! blame Tim Brooke-Taylor! )

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