-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking,
one blonde says to the other:
"Which do you think is farther away .... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says;
"Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......????
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station and tells the
mechanic that it just died on her.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She asks, "So what's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetors"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks very
nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff,
"I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday
you take away my license, then today you expect me to show
it to you!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A highway patrolman pulls alongside a speeding car and is
astounded to see the blonde behind the wheel is knitting!
As she is oblivious to his flashing blue lights and siren, the
trooper cranks down his window, turns on his bullhorn and
yells, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" she yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Russian, an American, and a blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied,
"We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls
your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two
new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex
and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs.
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar and orders a drink. A big red piece of tarmac walks over, knocks the black tarmac to the floor, drinks the drink and walks off. The black tarmac gets up and asks the barman 'what's up with that guy?', the barman replies 'oh, he a bit of a cycle-path'.
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Salazaar
A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar and orders a drink. A big red piece of tarmac walks over, knocks the black tarmac to the floor, drinks the drink and walks off. The black tarmac gets up and asks the barman 'what's up with that guy?', the barman replies 'oh, he a bit of a cycle-path'.
damn you!!! i laughed :(
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
kasavien
damn you!!! i laughed :(
So did I :ill:
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it! Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I\'m too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I\'ve had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I\'ve had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
"I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He\'s drop-dead gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Here, iron this."
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
shadowmaster
On a Trans-Atlantic Flight...
*Laff* Quite a good one :)
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Hell thats old, I was forwarding that one around years ago.
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are in the hairdressers talking about their daughters. The brunette says "I found a bottle of wine in my girls room, can you believe she drinks!?", to which the redhead replies "So.. I found a pack of cigarettes in my daughters bag, can you believe she smokes!?" The blonde then says "Thats nothing, I found a condom in my daughters purse, can you believe she has a penis!?"
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Behemoth
Hell thats old, I was forwarding that one around years ago.
Indeed, although the one I know was less 'dramatic'
tom18230, where did you get the 'statistics' for your sig?
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
JK Ferret
Indeed, although the one I know was less 'dramatic'
tom18230, where did you get the 'statistics' for your sig?
He probably made them up... they are not statistically accurate... & I don't need a degree in statistics to tell you that :p
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
SiM
He probably made them up... they are not statistically accurate... & I don't need a degree in statistics to tell you that :p
Possible... or it could be one of those random quizzes you find on quizilla and bebo. I'm just looking for more time wasting things to do :)
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
JK Ferret
Possible... or it could be one of those random quizzes you find on quizilla and bebo. I'm just looking for more time wasting things to do :)
Go and watch some porn or something... I found a well dodgy funny pic:
http://www.bobpitch.com/anon/Shadow%20Dweller_porn.jpg
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
ewww!
You're meant to take out the seeds first!!
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
sammyc
and that's bad..?
Oh, yes. That's VERY bad in this thread.
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
I think you both missed the point of my post :P
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
kasavien
I think you both missed the point of my post :P
Our apologies - what was your point my friend? :embarrassed:
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
ah just that the joke was so bad it was good
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
baius
Our apologies - what was your point my friend? :embarrassed:
'scuse, our apologies..? :) I was being tongue in cheek & ironic & stuff I'll have you know... ahem ;)
Quote:
Originally Posted by
tiggerai
there are some smutty jokes to be had too... but I'll refrain tonight, used up my quota last night!
where are these jokes? .... oh, IRC I suppose:rolleyes:
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Wouldn't you need one somewhere on the back too along with directions to the kitchen? :p
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the Feck would you say?'
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Love Story
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the head nursing director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he is dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
One Man And His Dog
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've e never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?''My wife's.'
'What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'
He inquired further, 'But, who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
The man told him, 'Get in line'.
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Your Yearly Dementia Test
It's that time of year to take our annual test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk " five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the
next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat.
Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such
as Auto World.
However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Green houses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the hell are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon , two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on . In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
I failed the second question :(
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
0iD
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Green houses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the hell are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
Anyone mind if I get really picky here...? A 'green house' is a house which is green. It's a 'greenhouse' which is made from glass...
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
I must admit I read it as one of those verbal reasoning tests that you get when you are younger. I think they are responsible for me failing the test.
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
I got question 1 and 2 wrong :( but the rest correct. :mrgreen:
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
shadowmaster
I got question 1 and 2 wrong :( but the rest correct. :mrgreen:
Reading it from the bottom up doesn't count though ;)
I'll admit, my answer for the second question was "miwater" - knew the answer and still almost cocked it up :embarrassed:
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
0iD
2. Say "silk " five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the
next question.
I seded milk. :(
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Stewart
I seded milk. :(
I sed mooo. :confused::O_o1:
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
SiM
I sez pepzi
What, as in pepzi cowla?
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Bit of female bias for a change.
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties )
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know, it never happened)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
For the 'test', I failed 1 and 2... even though i knew what was going on. All the others i have heard before, a LOT, so knew the answers off by heart :)
Talk out loud: scientists have proven memory is actually better on average than just thinking alone (this is fact, no joke.)
Employ in the following:
If frozen water is iced water, and frozen tea is iced tea, and frozen lemonade is iced lemonade, what is frozen ink?
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
JK Ferret
If frozen water is iced water, and frozen tea is iced tea, and frozen lemonade is iced lemonade, what is frozen ink?
I stink
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
http://wahrefugecentre.org/Quickstar...eLib/Skunk.jpg
Quote:
Originally Posted by
SiM
I stink
Your new avatar and tag line perhaps :p
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
I got the questions right!!! And I didn't cheat either. :P
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
JK Ferret
If frozen water is iced water, and frozen tea is iced tea, and frozen lemonade is iced lemonade, what is frozen ink?
i said 'ink water'.. honestly :rolleyes:
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Lesbien bed sale at Ikea. No screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
The Archbishop of Canterbury has partially got his way!
British weather has been declared Muslim.
It's partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.
' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.
'Love dress? But you're naked!'
'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.
'Every time he sees me in this dress,
he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
' What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
disgraceful!! "needs ironing" indeed...
But it could have been worse I suppose... at least you've got a reasonable punchline. I heard someone muck up one of these jokes today... I corrected them :P
They were shocked that I knew the joke, and they now refuse to believe that I know most of the other ones on this thread (good memory... I don't go through and learn them :o)
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Thats quite old, but still very good :D
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Why did the baker have smelly hands?
because he kneaded a poo.
x
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Marriage Counselling
A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15
years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the
wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while fondling
her intimately.
The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in
a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week......
Can you do this?'
The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her
off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays, I play golf.'
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
yeah I love those graphical representations of songs... hilarious.
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
As all i've been working on for the last 3 weeks is this trade finding tools which produces charts these are quite brilliant.
"Percentage of boys brought to yard by respective milkshare".... excllenet.
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Chap goes to the doctors. "D-d-d-d-doctor, I j-j-j-j-just c-c-c-can't s-s-s-stop s-s-s-stuttering"
"OK young chappie" says the doctor, "Strip off & let's give you a thorough examination".
So, after a good hour of probing & tests, the doctor tells him to get dressed & sit down.
"Well young man, the problem, in my professional opinion, is that your willy is about 12 inches too long"
The chap is quite taken aback, then after a few minutes contamplation he asks the doctor to do the necessary.
As luck would have it, the doctor has a space in his day surgery & agrees to perform the reduction that very afternoon.
A week goes by & the young chap is back to see the doctor for a check-up.
"Doctor, the result of the surgery is nothing short of miraculous! No stutter at all, but the wife, she's not happy, not happy at all. Can you preform a reversal? I'd rather have the stutter to be honest"
Doc looks at him, shakes his head "S-s-s-sorry s-s-s-son, but n-n-n-not b-b-b-bloody likekely!"
:p
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset. I shall be back home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on
the dining room table:
To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Ritz Carlton with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is also 18 years old.
As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A guy goes for a job interview.
Everything is going quite well but the female interviewer is slightly perturbed by the man winking at her all the time.
It gets to the point where she feels she has to ask him what he means by all this winking as she saw it as a crude come-on which she didn't appreciate at all.
The man is very apologetic. "I'm sorry, I have a nerve condition that means I sometimes can't help but wink... I don't mean anything by it all."
She replies, "Ok, but it's very distracting... is there nothing you can do about it?"
"Well aspirin often helps, I have a pack here in my pocket somewhere..."
At which point he stands up and starts emptying his pockets out onto the table.
The woman is shocked to see packets and packets of condoms, dozens of them, appearing from the man's pockets.
"Hang on", she says, "I'm not entirely sure that you're right for the job if you walk around with all these condoms on you all the time... what kind of company do you think this is?"
"Oh no,", exclaims the man, "This lot isn't my fault, honestly!"
"Not your fault? How is dozens of packs of condoms not your fault?" she asks.
"Well", replies the man, "You try walking into a chemist's winking and asking for a pack of aspirin!"
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Nick, really, "condom"? Wouldn't that have been "Gentleman's Jerkin" in your day? :p
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Nick
A guy goes for a job interview.
Everything is going quite well but the female interviewer is slightly perturbed by the man winking at her all the time.
It gets to the point where she feels she has to ask him what he means by all this winking as she saw it as a crude come-on which she didn't appreciate at all.
The man is very apologetic. "I'm sorry, I have a nerve condition that means I sometimes can't help but wink... I don't mean anything by it all."
She replies, "Ok, but it's very distracting... is there nothing you can do about it?"
"Well aspirin often helps, I have a pack here in my pocket somewhere..."
At which point he stands up and starts emptying his pockets out onto the table.
The woman is shocked to see packets and packets of condoms, dozens of them, appearing from the man's pockets.
"Hang on", she says, "I'm not entirely sure that you're right for the job if you walk around with all these condoms on you all the time... what kind of company do you think this is?"
"Oh no,", exclaims the man, "This lot isn't my fault, honestly!"
"Not your fault? How is dozens of packs of condoms not your fault?" she asks.
"Well", replies the man, "You try walking into a chemist's winking and asking for a pack of aspirin!"
lol very good I liked that :D
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'
A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an arsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Three Doctors were out playing a round of golf, they soon got onto which type of person they liked to operate on most.
The first one said :
"I like to operate on electricians, you know exactly where everything is as it's all colour coded"
The second one disagreed and said :
"I prefer to work on Mathematics teachers, everything is clearly numbered"
The third one piped up and said :
"No, I prefer to operate on Politicians, there head and ass are fully interchangeable"
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
3 women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....
that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and a mask over their eyes
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask.
He saw me he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long
The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night
The married one: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work,
opens the door and says:
'Alright Batman, what's for dinner?'
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Hear the one about the nun?
This drunk guy comes out of a bar, and walks up to a nun in this big black cape.
Wham! He slugs her in her teeth. She goes down and he keeps on pounding her.
After about 5 minutes he stops, looks at her and says:
"You're not so tough, Batman!"
From La Haine - brilliant film if you've not seen it.
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
La Haine is one of the best foreign language films i've seen.
I am all out of jokes today. so i shall go find one and report back later.
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
There's a line.. and that just about crosses it chap :) keep them a smidgen cleaner please !
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Jonathong
(yes i know it's phile)
At least get the first bit spelt correctly :rolleyes:
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
tiggerai
La Haine is one of the best foreign language films i've seen.
Along with Pan's Labyrinth & Bichunmoo, it is indeed.
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
0iD
Along with Pan's Labyrinth & Bichunmoo, it is indeed.
Ooh, I see a new thread coming - I've been into my world cinema viewings for quite some time and would love to know if there's anything I should have watched or I might missed. Since you enjoyed Bichunmoo, have you seen Zatoichi? I've got Irreversible planned for tonight along with something a little more easy-going to follow as I've heard it's a pretty bleak film.
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
tiggerai
La Haine is one of the best foreign language films i've seen.
I am all out of jokes today. so i shall go find one and report back later.
Ditto, add in Pan's (as above) and Amores Perros.
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Did you know single women can't fart?
They don't have an a$$hole until they're married!!!
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN :
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates mel ancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!
ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
On a desert island there is nothing but a very old, very tall coconut tree.
4 friends pass by, and they happen to be King Kong, an Orangutang, a Chimp, and a Baboon.
They trouble is, they can't agree who is the best. The argument rages on into the afternoon. Ultimately they decide on a challenge, a test of skill. They walk to the far end of the island & and on the count of three they race to see who can be the first to pick a banana from the top of the old tree.
But who won?
If you said
The Urangutang, you're a fool.
The Chimp, you're a dotard.
The Baboon, go back to sleep.
or King Kong, you're hopelessly stupid.
It's a chuffin coconut tree ffs!
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Who said pikey's can't afford mansions....?
http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k2...y_mansion1.jpg
..and on another note...
http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k2...d1885/asdf.jpg
You see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says,
"She's fantastic in bed."
- That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and get his telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
You get up and straighten your dress.
You walk up to him and pour him a drink.
You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie
brushing yourself slightly against his arm, and then say,
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."
- That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
You talk him into going home with your friend.
- That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
- That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there
could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing.
So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the centre
and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
- That's Spam!
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
sleepyhead
That gets a rofl from me :lol:
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Yep, I LoL'ed when I was sent that picture.
Onto another joke email sent today...
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God,
"Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with
this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not
happy."
"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and
all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a
'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman', Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful
creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure
out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring
that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty
will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for
your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.",
replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your
left testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on
his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"
The rest, as they say, is history.
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
hmmmm....
Might just cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle for posting that....
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
tiggerai
hmmmm....
Might just cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle for posting that....
bollocknese for dinner again eh?
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
Passenger:'Who?'
Cabbie:'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger:'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie:'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie:'There's more... He had a memory like a computer … Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. H e could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'
Passenger. 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie:'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too -- he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger:'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie:'Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his f*****g widow.'
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
The Tesco Doctor
One day, in line at the cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'
'Listen mate don't waste your time down at the surgery' Mike replies, 'there's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....
Thank you for shopping at Tesco
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
sleepyhead
Far too true...it hurts.
Made me laugh!!
Which does actually hurt... having done my back in again. :(
Tesco doctor is cool too... need one of those.
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
lol I guess it's their version of using handcuffs
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Man and woman decide they want to get a female pig, so they go to the pig auctions and buy one. They decided some weeks later that they want to hear the sounds of pigglets running round in their field.
So they contact their good friend farmer giles, who says to bring their pig over and he will mate it with his orize male. So they load her up in a wheel barrow and take her over.
The pigs do the business and farmer Giles says
"You'll know if it's work in the morning, if she's rolling in the mud it's worked, but if she's eating the grass, bring her back"
So they take the pig home.
The next morning
"Well, whats she doing?" Says the wife
The husband look out into the field and see's she's eating the grass
"We;ll have to take her back" He replied "She's eating the grass"
This continues for some five days, so on the sixth day.
"Well, he must have done the trick now by now" says the wife
"I dare not look out the window, but ok" The husband walks to the window and looks at the pig "Well I'll be jiggered" He shouts
"Is she rolling in the mud ?" Quizzes the wife
"No" He replies sadly "She's sat in the wheel barrow waiting to go back"
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
I was on my way home last Friday, after a really rough night. An ex-colleague’s leaving do paid for by the Bank, so the booze ran free and the food was excellent, but that’s irrelevant, or might not be. Anyway, I was passing through St. Leticia’s Grove and suddenly felt the urge for a dump.
There’s nothing around but houses with front lawns all lit by streetlights, but I was desperate, so I found a garden with a rhododendron hedge and squatted the other side of it and crimped off a length of chocolate rope.
Then I had nothing to wipe on. I checked my pockets for paper, but apart from a few large denomination notes, there was nothing. I hopped about and eventually found a handful of leaves and used that. It was not a good experience, but it worked 95%.
Eventually I pulled up my trousers and turned around to the lawn and WTF?!!? My turd was gone.
It was a brightly lit street, a smooth, smooth lawn and a full moon to boot so I could not have missed it. I was a bit pissed, so I sniffed one of the handful of leaves and sure enough it was redolent of the great stench of brute. So I had definitely done one, but where was it? I ruled out turd-nappers and invisible coprophages and was left with nothing.
Oh well. I gave up and went home.
The next day I was walking to work along St. Leticia’s Grove and thought I would have a butchers in daylight. So I climbed the low wall and looked at the lawn; as smooth and unmarked as the surface of the Marmite in a brand-new jar. I crouched down and peered under the bushes and again saw nothing. As I stood up I heard a voice behind me “What the hell are you up to you bastard?”
Thinking quickly I replied “Sorry mate, I dropped a £20 note and the wind blew it over your hedge. I was just looking for it.”
“OK. That’s alright. Sorry if I was a bit aggressive. It’s just that there are some sick bastards around here. You wouldn’t believe it but some twisted sicko took a dump on my tortoise last night”
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
I call my Grandad Spiderman!
Not because he's got super powers,
Because he has trouble getting out of the bath.
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Lady in labour, shouting the usual nonsense, "Get this out of me, give me the drugs" She turns to her boyfriend and says "You did this to me you ******" He replies casually "If you remember, I wanted to stick it somewhere else but you said f off it'll be too painful"
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a ****."
If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape... or shoplifting?
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Zak Edit
Hottiger walks into a bar and tells a very offensive joke.
The bar tender goes red around the ears, deletes his post, and pm's him to ask him to pls be less rude and offensive
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
At the end of a tiny, deserted bar in Liverpool is a huge Scouse bloke, 2 metres tall and 150 kilos with muscles in his breath.
He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously homosexual man walks in and sits beside him.
After three or four beers the gay bloke finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Scouser.
Leaning over towards the Scouser he whispers, 'Do you want a b''w job?'
At this, the massive Scouser leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool.
He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park, then returns to his seat at the bar.
Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer.
'I've never seen you react like that', he says. 'Just what did he say to you?'
'I'm not sure', the big Scouser replies, 'something about a job....'
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
What's the difference between an prostitute and a washing machine?
A washing machine doesn't spit your load out
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A man walks into a petrol station and says
"Can I please have a kitkat chunky".
The lady behind the till gets him a kitkat chunky and brings it back to him.
"No" says the man. "I wanted a normal kitkat you fat *****"
--
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,' she said, 'you
received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
'Send extra sauce.'
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Very good sleepyhead :D
Did you know that half the UK's population of old people have aids ?
Hearing aids, walking aids, financial aids.
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
29 LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I have a degree in Liberal Arts; do you want fries with that?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original 'point and click interface' was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.
-
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Hottiger...look/
Reported post and hopefully you will get banned. This is the second time you seem to think being disabled is funny in only 20 (pointless) posts.
If you think that kind of thing is funny then you are a disturbed little person.