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Thread: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

  1. #769
    0iD
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Q: What's the definition of optimism?
    A: An investment banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday evening.

    An investment banker said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one in the street yesterday.

    A man went to his bank manager and said: 'I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?' 'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a big one and wait.'

    The credit crunch is getting bad, isn't it? I mean, I let my brother borrow a tenner a couple of weeks back, it turns out I'm now Britain's fourth biggest lender.

    Q: What is the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
    A: A pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW


    Q: What is the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
    A: The pizza can still feed a family of four

    Q: What does a hedge fund manager with no fund to manage say?
    A: Would you like fries with that sir?

    Q: What is the capital of Iceland?
    A: About £3.50


    And my presonal fave....

    I tried to get cash from the ATM today but it said "insufficient funds." I don't know if that meant them or me.
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by 0iD View Post
    Q: What's the definition of optimism?
    A: An investment banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday evening.

    Q: What is the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
    A: A pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

    Q: What is the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
    A: The pizza can still feed a family of four
    I liked them 3

    It's 4.98*

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    HEXUS.social member finlay666's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by 0iD View Post
    Q: What is the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
    A: A pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW


    Q: What is the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
    A: The pizza can still feed a family of four
    Whats the difference between an investment banker and a park bench?

    The bench can still support a family
    H3XU5 Social FAQ
    Quote Originally Posted by tiggerai View Post
    I do like a bit of hot crumpet

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    Zzzzzzz sleepyhead's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    OMG...this had me lol'ing in the office for a good few minutes. I had to edit the rude word out.


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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    This page is a good 'un......

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gun Wharf Quay. As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by.

    'You're not thinking of jumping, are you, babe?' he asked.

    'Yes, I am' replied the sobbing girl.

    Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge.

    'Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me - if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found'.

    The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn.

    Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation.

    The girl came clean, 'I've stowed away to get to Australia . One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food and water every night and he's screwing me.'

    The captain stared at her for a moment before he replied....

    'He certainly is, love. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry.'
    ____
    (='.'=)
    (")_(")

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    I don't know about you, but I'm sick of seeing people in wheelchairs being pushed around...

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  12. #776
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Not new & prolly a repost. Ah well, here it is anyway.

    A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her husband, 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'. 'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times?
    Well...........

    Husband 1 was an Architect; he kept on telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband 2 was a Computer Manager; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

    Husband 3 was a Services Consultant; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    Husband 4 was a Project Manager; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband 5 was a Structural Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the art method.

    Husband 6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

    Husband 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

    Husband 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was .....God I miss him!


    But now that I've married you, 'I'm so excited!'
    'Great' said the husband, 'but, why?'
    'You're an Estate Agent. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get f*cked!'
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Miss Beatrice, the church organist was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

    When she returned with tea and scones they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
    'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

    'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know


    I haven't had the flu....



    All winter.'
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread


  17. #779
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by dave87 View Post
    Made me laugh...
    Me too. It's amazing how much funny stuff there is on YouTube (and the even larger volume of really stupid stuff).

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by dave87 View Post
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQdIiEUFtqk

    Best with headphones
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    Quote Originally Posted by tiggerai View Post
    I do like a bit of hot crumpet

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Four blokes were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

    The first man, an engineer, had a dog named "T-Square". The second man, an accountant, had a dog named "Slide-Rule". The third man, a chemist, had a dog called "Measure". The fourth man was a Union member.

    To show off, the engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk and, with a pen, promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle onto some paper.

    Everyone agreed that that was pretty good. The accountant, though, insisted his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen biscuits. He proceeded to divide the biscuits into four equal piles of three each.

    Everyone agreed that that too was pretty good. The chemist, though, reckoned that his dog could do even better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a pint of milk, got a pint glass from the cupboard, and then poured exactly half a pint into the glass without spilling a drop.

    Everyone agreed that that was pretty good, as well. Then, they all turned to the Union member and said, "Hey, pal, what can your dog do?"

    The Union member stood up, called his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the biscuits, drank the milk, **** on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he'd injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, called InjuryLawyers4U to claim compensation and went home on sick leave.

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  21. #782
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Vodka....Who knew?!!!!

    (Disclaimer: Nere may not be, and probably isn't any factual content whatsoever in the following message)


    1. To remove a bandage without pain saturate the bandage with vodka. The stuff disolves adhesive.

    2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking. Let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

    3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

    4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

    5. Spray vodka on wine stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.

    6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

    7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp,removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

    8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

    9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.

    10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

    11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

    12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

    13. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

    14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

    15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.


    And silly me!

    I've only been drinking the stuff!
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    I nominate 0iD to test all of those out

  23. #784
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    I can do all bar #7 for obvious reasons
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

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