If we're reviving old pictures..
http://www.cvr-it.com/images/PM_Build_Swing.gif
Printable View
If we're reviving old pictures..
http://www.cvr-it.com/images/PM_Build_Swing.gif
A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra, but his request was denied.
'Why can't I have a double dose?' the man asked.
'It's not safe,' the doctor replied.
'But I need it really bad,' the man explained. 'My girlfriend is coming
into town on Friday, one of my ex's will be here on Saturday, and my
wife is coming home on Sunday.'
'Okay, I'll give it to you,' the doctor relented. 'But you have to come
in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side
effects.'
On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his
right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, 'What happened to you?'
The man said, 'No one showed up'
The very first time...
A young lady asks her boyfriend to come over Friday Night to meet, and have dinner with
her parents.
Since this is quite a landmark in their relationship, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go with him, to some romantic location and make love...
for the first time !!
Needless to say, the boy is ecstatic!! but he has never had sex before, so he decides to visit
his local pharmacy to obtain the necessary condoms, and get some much needed advice !!
He tells the pharmacist it's his ''first time'' and the pharmacist chats to the boy about sex, women,
and life in general, in a most helpful and avuncular manner, for the thick end of an hour or so.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about Condoms he plans to use and when the young
chap is at the register, ready to pay, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to
buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The young fellow insists on the family pack, just to make sure, it being his first time and all...and
quotes the time honored homily ''better safe than sorry'' !!.
That night, the ardent young man arrives punctually at his girl friends house, where she meets him
at the door."Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, please come in !"
The young chap goes inside and is taken straight in to the dinner table where the girl's parents are
already seated. Our hero, being a well mannered sort of fellow, immediately offers to say grace
... and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head bowed... exuding a most deeply
concentrated aire...... 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the young Lothario.
Finally, after some 20 minutes have passed in this unusually prolonged, pre-prandial prayer, the
daughter of the house leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were
this religious."
Our young man turns and whispers back, rather tremulously...
"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
May be a repost, can't remember or be arsed to look. :)
A young couple went to the hospital, to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new
high-tech machine which would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the
baby's father, thusrelieving the mother from some of the stress of this extremely painful,
though joyous, ordeal.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. Both said they were very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even
10 percent was probably much more pain than the father had ever experienced before..
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and
kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure
and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point, they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well !!
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged
the doctor to transfer 100 percent of the pain, to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and her husband had
experienced none.
They were both ecstatic !!!
When they arrived home... they found the postman dead on their door step.
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
Have you seen those new adverts for the Citroen C5 car? Basically they are marketing it as an "Unmistakably German" car that turns out to be French. What the hell does that mean? A car that goes around starting wars and then immediately surrenders?
<-- REMOVED AS PER REQUEST -->
I went to a Premature Ejaculation Anonymous meeting the other day but nobody was there.
I think I came too early.
<vamooshed>
LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!
Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says: 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says: 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says: 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says: 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says: 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says: 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says: 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says: 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says:
'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'
bunny suicide: there is loads but here is one pic of it
http://www.retrocomputing.net/raccon...o/1_830000.jpghttp://www.retrocomputing.net/raccon...o/1_770000.jpghttp://www.retrocomputing.net/raccon...o/0370tx00.jpghttp://www.retrocomputing.net/raccon...o/2_080000.jpg
They Walk Among Us
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale £50.' The next day someone Stole it.
Caution.... They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where???'
They Walk among us!!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.'
They Walk Among Us!!
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.
They Walk Among Us!!!!
I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram sirloin. She informed me they only had an 500 g sirloin. Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 500 g steak instead of the half kg.
They walk among us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car; it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the boot...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!
My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional
and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!
Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce!!!!
__________________________________________________________________________________
Hell of a Week
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, 'Why so glum?'
The guy responded, 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'
'Hell's not so bad,' the demon said. 'We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'
'Sure,' the man said, 'I love to drink.'
'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!'
The guy is astounded. 'Damn, that sounds great.'
'You a smoker?' the demon asked.
'You better believe it!'
'You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie You're already dead, remember?'
'Wow, the guy said, 'that's awesome!'
The demon continued. 'I bet you like to gamble.'
'Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
'Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?'
The guy said, 'Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . .'
'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!'
'Wow,' the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, 'I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'
The demon said, 'You gay?'
'No.'
'Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!'
__________________________________________________________________________________
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. And those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of ****.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing this as a public service.
__________________________________________________________________________________
" France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
Mark Twain
------------------------------
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
General George S. Patton
------------------------------
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
Norman Schwartzkopf
------------------------------
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
Marge Simpson
------------------------------
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure."
Jacques Chirac, President of France
------------------------------
"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
Regis Philbin
------------------------------
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
John McCain , U.S. Senator from Arizona
------------------------------
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."
David Letterman
------------------------------
"Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada ."
Ted Nugent
------------------------------
"War without France would be like .. World War II."
Unknown
------------------------------
"The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says 'First Iraq, then France.'"
Tom Brokaw
------------------------------
"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?"
Dennis Miller
------------------------------
"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us."
Alan Kent
-----------------------------
"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house."
Argus Hamilton
------------------------------
"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day --the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'"
Rep. Roy Blunt, MO
-----------------------------
"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq "
Dennis Miller
------------------------------
Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?
A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?
-----------------------------
"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris ? It's not known, it's never been tried."
Rep. R. Blount, MO
------------------------------
"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining."
John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv
------------------------------
The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.
------------------------------
French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
(AP), Paris , March 5, 2003
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris , caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Right place, Right time!
hahaha, she doesn't look as if she minds though... :surprised:
I dunno how appropriate this is, but does anyone else think that Thabo Mbeki, looks remarkably like the Burger King..?
http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/image...nd_afp226b.jpghttp://z.about.com/d/couponing/1/0/q/0/1/27401.jpg
Lol, he's the South African President/PM person :P
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/7491538.stm
Ah, but give him a crown..
Sorry, don't see it. :)
hmm this may be even more inappropriate, but... :lol:
http://img236.imageshack.us/img236/5222/lolkingqx5.jpg
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a story-tale myth. I'm a one-wish genie." The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony." The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! Don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please make it a bit more reasonable." The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful. That's what I wish for, a good mate." The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said, "Let me see that map again..."
The programmer to his son: "Here, I brought you a new basketball."
"Thank you, daddy, but where is the user's guide?"
***********************************************************************************
A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.
The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination."
The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."
The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem."
Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."
************************************************************************************
How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."
*****************************************************************************
If you can touch it and you can see it, it's REAL.
If you can touch it but you can't see it, it's TRANSPARENT.
If you can't touch it but you can see it, it's VIRTUAL.
If you can't touch it and you can't see it, it's GONE.
*********************************************************************************
Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.
************************************************************
The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to the boy: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch!
Why was the washing machine laughing ?
...... cause it was taking the piss out of pants - haA!
There are 2 men in a pub, one of whom owns a dog which he claims is a qualified blacksmith. The other man naturally doesn't believe him and asks him to prove it.
The dog's owner holds a match under the dogs testicles and the dog makes a bolt for the door!
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
A Liverpudlian Primary School teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher Looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your Hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'
'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all Of the time.
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug Addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.'
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got One in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullsh!tting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
A Short Love Story
A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly..... He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied . "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f***ing blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"
Man goes to the doctor for a check up.
"You're going to have to stop pleasuring yourself" says the doc.
"Oh no, really?" says the chap "why?"
"Because I'm trying to examine you, and it's really putting me off"
A bloke walks into the doctors with a MASSIVE swollen lump on the side of his nose.
The doctor looks at him and says "Blimey, what's that!"
The bloke answers "Believe it or not, I've got a cricket all stuck up my nostril"
"How's that?"
"Don't YOU bloody start!"
Irish Crossword
Paddy was stuck on the News of the World crossword, one of those annoying double-barrelled answers and he just couldn't suss the right answer.
"Mick, can you help me mate?" he asked.
"Whassup Paddy?" said Mick...
"Help me out mate" said Paddy "what's the answer to this - six lettered first word, seven lettered second word, and the clue is 'a flightless bird from Iceland'.
Mick took a few seconds to come up with the solution, turned to Paddy and said...
Frozen chicken
Back to Billy Connolly
2 Laplanders doing a crossword, and Paddy says to Mick.... the clue is, Old MacDonald had one....
Mick said, oh thats easy, Farm
aye, says Paddy, how do you spell that then?
umm, im no sure, but i think its E I E I O
Because if you find being mentally handicapped funny then you are THICK enough to find anything funny.
Strange this how you can accept and laugh about handicapped people but if any tells PAKI jokes then the 'right on' squad leap in.
Some of the admins here have their priorities VERY wrong! (or just dont give a **** depending on who it is - some do turn a blind eye)
Blitzen: Same whole world over.
It's not going to change much at any rate, unless all english/european people get thrown out of England.
Give it a few years.
well i wasn't laughing at the mentally handicapped part at all... i was laughing at the unexpected outcome to the joke...
unforutunatly that is true, personally i don't see a reason why you can't, after all, theres always lots of catholoic/irish/welsh/blonde/french/englishman-irishman-scotsman jokes going about... so why can't there be pakistani/lithuanian/polish/tibetan/other taboo, jokes aswell? without there being a moral uproar....
--------------------------------------
My ex-girlfriend says that I spoilt her and that I've ruined her for other men.
In fairness, I did throw acid in her face.
--------------------------------------
I slept through the alarm this morning, good thing it was only a small fire.
--------------------------------------
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
--------------------------------------
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "F*** off, you won't bring it back."
Come on, that's not true. We did everything to get a satisfactory resolution for you last time.
If you'd like to PM me the post in question then we'll look at it, just as before.
I've scanned through the last four pages of this thread and can't find what you're referencing so ping me the post and we'll deal with it.
Signs that you are getting old:
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
When happy hour is a nap.
When tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
When you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.
When you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
When you have a choice of two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home earlier.
When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.
When you stop buying green bananas.
When you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
When you were in school there was no history class!
When your birth certificate says expired on it.
When you're told to act your own age, and you die.
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 96 around the golf course.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
You burn the midnight oil until 9:00 P.M.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.
You don't remember being absent minded.
You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You feel like the morning after when you haven't been anywhere the night before.
You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
You get exercise acting as a pallbearer for friends who exercise.
You get winded playing chess.
You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
You look both ways before crossing a room.
You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You sink your teeth into a steak ...and they stay there.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
You start video taping daytime game shows.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You turn off the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.
Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
Your pacemaker raises the garage door when you see a pretty girl go by.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress...n-bar-joke.jpg
EDIT: Damn you stevie.
there was this train with a full carriage and a man stood opposite this 'ample' woman.. the journey was running along smoothly until the train lurched to a halt.. naturally the man stuck out both his hands to stop himself falling over, both of which planted themselves firmly onto the womans breasts..
after a short while the woman said to the man, "excuse me, would you mind moving your hands".. to which the man did - he moved them in a circular direction..
from my mate alan..
Two points about this one.
1. I apologise if i offended anyone, but well, it's the Well Dodgy joke thread and it wasn't exactly a malicious joke - there have been worse in this thread. I mean, there are jokes that are obviously offensive and i don't think that was one of them. It could quite easily have been a blonde, Irish, American, etc joke. And it's very easy just to read it as making a joke about the girl being stupid for getting married in the first place.
2. PC is a debatable one. The thing about comedy is that it's not supposed to be PC. It's making the best out of a bad situation, good jokes are not intentionally harsh to anyone, it's the way you think about them. It's why Ali G gets away with lots of the stuff he does, it's extremely offensive if you look at it from a certain point of view, but it's all a matter of perception.
3. The joke that got deleted before was blatantly meant to be offensive towards the race in question.
Nick, here's the joke:
(removed by Nick, seen it now)
Personally i have read a lot worse, and i don't think it's that offensive. The post is http://forums.hexus.net/general-disc...ml#post1453276 and if you want to delete it go ahead. As above though, i think i have a reasonable argument for it staying though, and if anyone wanted to get rid of it, there's a little exclamation mark for doing just that.
(I presume this was to do with this joke)
My girlfriend likes to be treated like a princess so i put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove it into a wall.....
Lets see that if (god forbid) in the future, you have a mentally handicapped child, if you think there 'is worse' and that you 'wont find it offensive'!Quote:
Personally i have read a lot worse, and i don't think it's that offensive.
I guarantee you will and i find your comment that either of a child or an idiot without any kind of compassion.
I dont FOR ONE SECOND hope that anything like this EVER affects your family but if it does, the penny may drop that its just not funny (to people that have a thought process anyway).
As far as it being the 'Well Dodgy Joke Thread', do you really think that it gives you an open forum to have a go at mentally impaired people.
If you think thats the case then you really are lacking in any kind of social way.
If or when the ADMINS decide to comment on this is sincerely hope they agree that your joke wasnt dodgy....it was in VERY bad taste. I am surised that someone such as yourself can be that insensitive and infantile.
Trust me, if you spent just an hour in my shoes (caring for my daughter), you wouldnt feel i was being 'over sensitive'.
I am actually 100% sure you would think you 'joke' was as pathetic as i think it is.
As i said, admins are free to remove the joke, i understand that it could be overly offensive. My personal take on it was not "oh har har lets laugh at all the people with mental disabilities".
However, a better route would have been to simply flag the post, and let the admins deal with it.
BUT. Please understand that whatever the joke is, SOMEONE is going to find it not funny. People will find jokes about death very unfunny because a loved one has just died, people will find religious jokes unfunny because they passionately believe in their God. And no, it doesn't give me carte blanche to "have a go" at mentally imparied people, but then in this politically correct world in which we live, what is "acceptable"? Just because a joke strikes a chord with one person doesn't mean that they should pee on everyone elses bonfire.
As i said, i completely apologise for any bad taste on your part, and let me make it quite clear that i don't think it's funny for the reasons that you're suggesting. I'm not an insensitive git, i don't go around laughing at people who obviously can't help the condition they're in for whatever reason.
I'll remove it (ie the original post) out of respect, but i'm leaving the one above so that Nick or whoever has a reference to go by.
@monkeyville, i assume that's tongue in cheek?
Seems fitting;
What do you call a Muslim flying a plane?
A pilot. You racist!
As for offensive jokes about xyz minority/majority. All people are equal and all are different, perhaps if we embraced and laughed at our differences instead of starting arguments over them the world would be a better place? Now can we get to back to laughing at dodgy jokes?
OK, so your raw nerve has been touched.
Now imagine that I have a Pakistani child (or Indian, Bangladeshi, whatever - they're all the same). Do you think I might be sensitive to jokes making fun of their perceived disability (i.e. that of not being a white British male who likes lager and burds and offensive jokes)?
You clearly feel that others should empathise with your situation, why not try empathising with the situations of others, and not making any stereotyped jokes?
(oh, by the way, you're allowed to make jokes about people's attitudes because they're chosen, rather than innate - the people in question can do something about them, but have chosen not to).
Ok, Whiternoise has removed the joke himself and apologised which is as much as anyone can ask, especially on a forum.
It's not fair at all to say that he or schmunk are small minded; schmunk's point about innate and chosen traits is actually quite valid.
I understand that this is a very touchy point for you and apologise for not dealing with it sooner but I had to deal with a family matter this weekend which, quite honestly, puts this bickering into a whole new frame of reference.
Sadly, whether you like them or not, stereotypical jokes are here to stay and it's the very nature of the caricatured, over-emphasised traits that make them funny... that's how those types of jokes work.
I think in this day and age, other than if you're only source of reference is BNP pamphlets or some other extremist, unbalanced source, grown adults are fully able to see that such stereotypes do not exist in real life... and further, that belonging to such a group is not an attack on them directly... or I'd be going through deleting every post about God, Jesus, men, adults, computer nerds, gamers, drivers, caravan owners, house owners, cat owners, Mitsubishi owners, non-nudists, omnivorous, coffee drinking and parents.
However, things change dramatically when it comes to your children and God-forbid anyone even daring to draw breath to make a joke that might include my kids in the group being made fun of. Parents are naturally supremely defensive of their kids, it's only natural and entirely right that Blitzen should feel so strongly on the topic.
So the answer is a simple one... just be aware of who's reading these jokes and respond accordingly.
Whiternoise didn't know and, once he found out, removed the post himself and apologised, which is as much as anyone can ask for.
If you lot want to discuss it further then feel free to PM ME, not each other, and I'll deal with it as time allows.
man u lot need to bloody chill. this is a dirty joke thread guys lets nto ruin this with all this bitter agument that could eventualy force mods to close this thread which will be a damm shame
Cheers for clearing this up Nick!
And thanks for being understanding Blitzen!
To the jokes:
My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said "we need to talk about our future".
I said "yeah, it's gonna be mental - we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!"
I'm now single.
-------------
I slept with one of those 'high class' prostitutes the other week. I'm not happy though, the ***** gave me lobsters.
-------------
A head nun goes to a grocers shop and asks for 122 bananas.
The grocer says, "if you're buying that many, its more economical to buy 144 in a box, I could give you a discount then."
"Okay," replies the nun, "I suppose we could always eat the other 22."
-----------
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
Shhhhhh!!.......
Don't tell anyone...... I'm gonna go down on you....
...And you're gonna love it...........
........But it's only going to be long enough to let you start enjoying it........
....Then I'm gonna come back up again and make sweet love to you big time.....
Lots of love,
Petrol prices xx
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up : 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.' Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little git. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Damn, , we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think its Robert Mugabe, Zimbabwe , 2008.'
www.smouch.net/lol/
safe for work...just turn the volume down
:)
...and dont hate me :P
Why did the tiger get lost in the jungle?
The jungle's bloody massive.
Don't blame me, blame Jimmy Carr, but I'll get my coat anyway :D
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun. He shouts "this is a raid!!" - everyone get on the floor, and he proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer leaps up and yanks off his balaclava.
The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. "Did anybody else here see my face?"
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before an elderly male voice is heard from a distant corner..
"I think my missus caught a glimpse...."
1. Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realisee half of them are stupider than that.
2. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
3. If the Sheffield Football Club were really the first English Football team, who did they play?
4. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
5. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
6. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
7. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to impregnate in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
8. What year did Jesus think it was?
9. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
10. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “FFS.....You are drunk....Go Home Dad.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
:eek:
http://snipurl.com/STOP
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the man offered.
"Recently I stopped at a petrol station and came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off, or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!''
St. Peter was impressed. 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'
Taff walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot." Taff says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you.
--
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
--
Believe it or not but Zimbabwe has a good chance of winning the 2010 soccer world cup - they have an outstanding record of beating foreigners on home soil.
--
After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk, he turns to the lady sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?" The lady replies, "I am 70kg, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My girlfriend is 60kg, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 65kg, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?" The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."
--
This morning I received a phone call from a "gorgeous" ex-girlfriend who called out-of-the-blue to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge."
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone... everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby gray haired older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. "Anyway, she giggled, I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So, I told her to f*** off.
I recently moved house and had to get a new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't', I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shirt?'
Here's a selection of favourite letters sent into Viz.
On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me like a Princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got completely pis*ed and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at 120mph, killing me instantly.
Mrs B. Essex.
The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.
John Sampson, Southampton.
If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters?
P. Sullivan, Birkenhead .
They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.
D Evans, London .
If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?
Stalker, Bournemouth .
Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting people? I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community service.
A Woodward, Sheffield .
They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.
J Morgan, Wigan .
If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?
Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham .
In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.
Martin Harwood, Bradford.
These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.
Tim Wakefield, Surrey .
Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty arguments begin. I will never understand women.
Chris Mapply, Carshalton.
We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.
George Nisbet.
Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London. That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.
Werner Hoffman, Munich .
I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
B Bollockbrain, Braintree .
Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.
M Duckworth, Poole .
So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.
J Leonard, Hull .
To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'. Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'.
Danny King, Balham
I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?
K Libretto, Welling
I just went to a Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but bugger me, pass the parcel was quick.
------
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas (petrol) station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He nearly killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.'
---
Before his daring escape from prison, an American black militant had been photographed from four different angles. The FBI sent copies of the pictures to police chiefs all across the country, with orders to notify Washington the moment an arrest was made.
The next day the bureau received a teletype reply from a small Southern town:
PICTURES RECEIVED... ALL FOUR SHOT DEAD......WHILE RESISTING ARREST
That alien one is excellent :D great punchline :)
I like the alien one!
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted a slow screw up the wall yesterday, she asked if i wanted a kick in the bollocks.
I didn't know that was a cocktail too.
'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' - U.S. Air Force Manual(McCain would agree)
----------- --------- ------ --- --------- --------- ------
'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' - General MacArthur
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.' - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
'Tracers work both ways.' - U.S. Army Ordnance
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
'Five second fuses only last three seconds.' - Infantry Journal
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.' - Unknown Marine Recruit
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
'If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.' - USAF Ammo Troop
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
'Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
'Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club.'
----------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
'Never trade luck for skill.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: 'Why is it doing that?', 'Where are we?' And 'Oh S...!'
----------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
'Friendly fire - isn't'
------ ----------- ----------------- ---------- --------
'Air speed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!'
----------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
------------ ----- ---- --------- --------- --------- --------
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.' - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.' Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks 'What happened?'.
The pilot's reply : 'I don't know, I just got here myself!' - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
"Oi, whats your disability?"
I said, "Tourettes! now **** off you c**t :angst::angst:
a guy says to his mate in the pub 'you'll never guess what mate! i found a girl tied to the railway track last night!!! i untied her and we went back to mine and had crazy sex all night, in hundreds of different positions!!!!' so his mate says 'sweet!!! did you get a blowjob?' the first guy says 'naah, i couldn't find her head.......' :stop::censored::stop:
School roll call, teacher gets to Jimmy, he shouts, "Here Miss...."
"And where were you yesterday?" asks teacher.
"My Dad got burnt Miss."
"Oh dear, was he burned badly?" she asked.
"Yes Miss, they don't f:censored:k about at the crematorium!!"
Two guys stop in front of a shop window as one points out an item to the other.
'That's the one I'd get', he says
At which point a cyclops walks up behind him and beats him up.
Yamangman... what????
Seconded, don't get it :undecided
One I'd get = 'One eyed git'? :rolleyes:
Ah... mesees.
You have to read it outloud.
Not that good anyhow *shrugs*
Second one was sort of better, but we've already had it this thread :P
I was only under the impression they had to be 'well dodgy' :)
what do 9 out of 10 people enjoy??
...........
gang rape
Nudist Colony
A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.
The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'
She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain.
It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.
Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. 'Did you call for me?' asked the hairy man. 'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.
'You must be new,' answered the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.
'Here 's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'
'But Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'
'Listen lady,' he replied, 'I'm 78 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here.'
A couple of funnies from xkcd:
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frustration.png
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/upcoming_hurricanes.png
I can't do Rubix cubes!
Please say the top one isn't a real invention!
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. > He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.
'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....
'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!'
Thanks button is back?
Ah, wasn't just me then, I wondered what had happened to it
Red Neck sex test
1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
True or False
2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False
3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
True or False
5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False
6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False
7. Semen is a term for sailors.
True or False
8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False
9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False
10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False
11. Douche is the French word for "twelve".
True or False
12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False
13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
True or False
14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or False
15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.
True or False
16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False
17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
True or False
20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
True or False
22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
True or False
23. Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
True or False
Bill asks his boss for a raise, "Sir i thnk i deserve a raise, ive got three other company's after me"
"Is tht so, may I ask which companies?" asks his boss
Bill replies" the gas, electric and telephone"
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.
'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times?'
'Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was..... God I miss him.
But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.
'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?'
'You're with the GOVERNMENT..This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed.'
More stereotypes? I like it!
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'
'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife an d carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying ....
She's not my wife
She's not my wife
She's not my wife'
His funeral service will be held Saturday.
____________________________________________________________
It is Friday night and Superman is bored. He decides to fly to his local, but isn't keen at the prospect of drinking alone, so on the way he calls at Spiderman's house.
Spiderman answers the door and says, "I'm sorry, Superman, but I can't come to the pub tonight. The web mechanism on my wrist is broken. I'm fighting crime tomorrow and I must fix my web mechanism.
"Superman flies away, and en route to the pub, calls the home of Captain America.Captain America answers the door and says, "I'm sorry, Superman, but I can't come to the pub tonight. I'm fighting crime tomorrow and I need to pump some iron or else I won't be fit enough to fight crime."Superman understands their need for preparation. Crime fighting is an important job.
As he flies over Wonder Woman's house, Superman notices that he can see through her skylight and she is lying naked on her bed. He thinks to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in and out of there in micro-seconds and Wonder Woman will never know I had my wicked way with her!
"So down he goes, through Wonder Woman's skylight. He has his way with her and then zooms off, faster than a speeding bullet.
Wonder Woman sits up and exclaims, "What the hell was that?"
The Invisible Man stands up, rubbing his bottom and says, "I don't know, but it hurt like hell.
A burglar broke into a house and shined his flashlight around looking for valuables.
He picked up a CD player when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: 'Jesus is watching you.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze. When he heard nothing more he continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out he heard: 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically. Finally, in the corner of the room his light beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind that would name a rottweiler Jesus.
An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes!
"Well now", says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich".
***POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold!
"I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
***POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" Asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Oh-can you change my cat into a handsome prince?" she asks.
***POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know you!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda' figured we was friends.'
Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert. They came upon a castle. Dying of thirst, they decided to go into the castle.
Inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful women. The three men decided to stay (obviously, what man wouldn't). For a week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with all of the beautiful women.
After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he walked into his castle, he found the three men with his women. Upset, the king ordered his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall. Then the king said that each of them would be severely punished according to their occupation.
The king goes up the first man and demands to know his occupation. The first man replies, "Fireman." The king tells his army, "Burn off his penis."
Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation. Hesitating the man said, "I...I...I...I'm a police officer." The king ordered, "Shoot off his penis."
Then finally the King asks the third man his occupation. With a huge smile on his face the man replied, "Lollipop salesman."
_________________________
Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day & said, '
Alastair , I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back
Middle England '.
'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.
'Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats,
some proper wellies, a stick & a flat cap, oh & a Labrador. Then we'll
really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much
Something or other, & we'll show we really enjoy the countryside,
........ oh & remember not to mention the hunting with dogs Act'
'Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out & with the
requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London .
Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for & found
a lovely country pub &, with the dog, went in & up to the bar.
'Good evening Landlord, two pints of you best ale, from the wood please'
said Brown .
'Good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord, 'two pints of best it
is, coming up'
Brown & Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes,
nodding now & again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay
quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about how
heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned for not
paying the council tax.
All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened & in came a
grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador
lifted its tail & looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders & walked
back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who
followed the same procedure.
To the bewilderment of Brown & Darling people of all ages & gender
followed suit over the next hour.
Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord
over.
'Tell me' said Darling, 'Why did all those people come in & look under
the dog's tail like that? Is it an old Custom?
'Good Lord no,' said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told them
that there was a Labrador in this bar with two a***holes'.