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Thread: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

  1. #945
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

    When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

    The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

    Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

    As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

    'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
    As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

    AMEN. Heinz Deli Garlic Mayo


    =====

    The average bloke thinks about sex once every six tits.

    -

    I met a 16 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, sexy and flirty, so I suggested we meet up.

    She turned out to be an undercover detective.

    How cool is that at her age?!

    -

    Yesterday evening, I had to change a lightbulb. A bit later on, I crossed the road and walked into a bar.

    I realised my life was a big joke.

    -

    The only reason Obesity exists is because bullying has been banned.

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Strange Affliction

    A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development.

    She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They won't wash off, they won't
    scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.

    The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he
    gets the tests back.

    A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.

    She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

    The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy-there's no problem. But I'm wondering, was your
    boyfriend that Harley-Davidson guy in the waiting room?"

    The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

    "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    WOMAN'S POEM

    Before I lay me down to sleep,
    I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
    One who's handsome, smart and strong.
    One who loves to listen long,
    One who thinks before he speaks,
    One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
    I pray he's gainfully employed,
    When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
    Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
    Massages my back and begs to do more.
    Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,
    Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
    I pray that this man will love me to no end,
    And always be my very best friend.

























    MAN'S POEM

    I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
    who owns a liquor store and a golf course/garage/shooting range/fishing lake etc etc. This
    doesn't rhyme and I don't give a crap.

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  9. #949
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Husband and wife are travelling by car from London to Edinburgh when suddenly the weather closed in and it was impossible to drive, so they decide to pull into a hotel and check-in until the conditions improve. They pull off the M6 and find a hostelry nearby a junction, nothing special but it looked clean and well cared for, and after all they were only going to be stopping overnight if the weather cleared.



    Luckily, the next morning the snow had stopped and the roads were clear, so they go to check out and the receptionist hands them a bill for £350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the receptionist although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly are not worth £350.00! When the receptionist tells him £350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

    The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use. 'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.

    'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explained the Manager. He further explains that the hotel has a Michelin-starred restaurant and that guests get a 20% deduction, but the man said they were too tired to even think about eating when they arrived, and again the Manager said, "But you could have..."


    The Manager goes on to explain they could have taken in the cabaret for which the hotel is famous. We get the best entertainers from Blackpool, Manchester and even the West End to perform here, the Manager says.

    'But we didn't go to the cabaret,' complains the man again.

    'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

    No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

    The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque.

    'But sir,' he says, this cheque is only made out for £50.00.'

    'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you £300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

    'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

    'Well, too bad,' the man replies, 'she was here and you could have.'
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

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  11. #950
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    A woman and her husband are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her husband into having one.

    After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of limejuice.

    The husband looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. 'First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.' So, the husband, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but OK He drinks the shot of Baileys... smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks... this is OK. Finally he picks up the limejuice and drinks it.

    In one second the sharp lime taste hits..

    At two seconds the Baileys curdles.

    At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits.

    At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his wife, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.

    When he finally chokes it down he turns to his wife, and says, 'Jesus, what do you call that drink?'


    She smiles widely at him and says 'Head Job Revenge.'
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

  12. #951
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer.

    One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, 'the insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.

    I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow’s stall in the barn.

    You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

    So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

    After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

    Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'this is the one...right here.'

    Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'

    That's simple. By the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently.

    Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'

    She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, 'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

  13. #952
    HEXUS.social member finlay666's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by 0iD View Post
    Husband and wife are travelling by car from London to Edinburgh when suddenly the weather closed in and it was impossible to drive, so they decide to pull into a hotel and check-in until the conditions improve. They pull off the M6 and find a hostelry nearby a junction, nothing special but it looked clean and well cared for, and after all they were only going to be stopping overnight if the weather cleared.
    Bet the woman was driving.....

    The M6 takes you to Glasgow! The M1 is MUCH quicker and actually takes you to Edinburgh Via Newcastle etc. from London.
    H3XU5 Social FAQ
    Quote Originally Posted by tiggerai View Post
    I do like a bit of hot crumpet

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by finlay666 View Post
    Bet the woman was driving.....

    The M6 takes you to Glasgow! The M1 is MUCH quicker and actually takes you to Edinburgh Via Newcastle etc. from London.
    Depends where you're coming from, also M1 turns into A1 north of Newcastle. maybe it'll be fast from the east coast, but pretty sure the M6 is faster from the west of England.

    And since I'm here, a joke:

    A young man named Tony bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00.

    The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When the farmer drove up the next day, he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news...the donkey is on my truck, but he's dead."
    Tony replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
    The farmer said, "I can't do that. I went and spent it already."
    Tony said, "OK then, just unload the donkey anyway".
    The farmer asked, "What are ya gonna do with him?"
    Tony said, "I'm going to raffle him off", to which the farmer exclaimed, "you can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
    But Tony, with a big smile on his face, said "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody that he's dead."
    A month later the farmer met up with Tony and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
    Tony said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £698.00."
    Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"
    And Tony replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner, when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2 back plus £200 extra, which is double the going value of a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy."
    Tony grew up and eventually became the Prime Minister of Britain, and no matter how many times he lied or how much money he stole from British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them thought he was a great guy.

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Mblaster View Post
    Depends where you're coming from, also M1 turns into A1 north of Newcastle. maybe it'll be fast from the east coast, but pretty sure the M6 is faster from the west of England.
    I do the journey once a month to Newcastle from Reading (hence my location), believe me going M6 just adds time to the journey regardless of dual carriageway or not

    And it's going from london, so would be M40/M42 to M6
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    Quote Originally Posted by tiggerai View Post
    I do like a bit of hot crumpet

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by finlay666 View Post
    I do the journey once a month to Newcastle from Reading (hence my location), believe me going M6 just adds time to the journey regardless of dual carriageway or not

    And it's going from london, so would be M40/M42 to M6
    Going from london the M1 may well be faster, although the M6 joins directly to the M1 so don't know why you'd go M40/M42.

    Actually, the all knowing source of google (hit of sarcasm there ) says it'll be faster to take the M6 even from london, but only by 9 minutes, on a 7 hour journey, so guess it'll depend on traffic really.
    http://maps.google.co.uk/maps?f=d&sa...dinburgh&hl=en

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Aside from the fact you would also pay extra for using the M6 Toll.....
    I'd rather not go past Birmingham/Liverpool/Manchester

    Go M40 as it's normally quicker to take a little detour with the traffic
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    Quote Originally Posted by tiggerai View Post
    I do like a bit of hot crumpet

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
    In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
    So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
    "Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
    The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
    She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.
    They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

    The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!

    Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
    It said: "Good till the last drop”.

    Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

    The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"

    Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"

    She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

    The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
    Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways"

    Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.

    The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."



    Mom fainted!
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by finlay666 View Post
    just did a quick search and it wasn't on here yet so........

    What is brown and rhymes with Snoop?


    Dr Dre
    Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella?






    Fo drizzle!

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      • Samsung 27" LED
      • Internet:
      • BT

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Million View Post
    Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella?






    Fo drizzle!
    Million, were you at the Hell is for Heroes Gig at the Thekla on Saturday night by any chance?!

    That is the joke the guy from Blakfish (support band) came out with...
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