The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

[Million]

Million, were you at the Hell is for Heroes Gig at the Thekla on Saturday night by any chance?!

That is the joke the guy from Blakfish (support band) came out with...

No, actually I wasn't - just a wonderful coincidence

[Zadock]

I noted that your from Bristol, which is what made me ask

[sleepyhead]

Childbirth at 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

[Will404]

Don't know if it has allready been posted, but...
women=money*time
everyone knows that time=money
women=money*money
women=〖money〗^2
money is the root of all evil
women=〖√evil〗^2
women=evil
Thus I have proved that women are evil

[Mblaster]

women=evil

That's really old, although don't remember seeing it in this thread yet

And the joke:
My boss told me off yesterday for bad teamwork skills. He said, "there is no 'i' in team."

I got him fired for discriminating against me for having dyslexia.

[KidChameleon]

That's really old, although don't remember seeing it in this thread yet

And the joke:
My boss told me off yesterday for bad teamwork skills. He said, "there is no 'i' in team."

I got him fired for discriminating against me for having dyslexia.

You can't spell "team" without "me".

[Nick]

A duck walks into a bar, plonks himself down on a stool at the bar and waits patiently until the barman comes up to him.

"Got any bread?" asks the duck.

"Bread?", says the barman, "No, no bread... I can do you a glass of water though?"

"Nah, I don't fancy water"

There's a moment's pause and then the duck says "Got any bread?"

"No mate", says the barman, "I just told you, we've not got any bread."

"Ok", says the duck, "Erm... got any bread then?".

"No!" says the barman, "we haven't got any bread. I just said that!"

"Alright, ok, keep your hair on", says the duck..... "Got any bread?"

Now the barman is starting to lose his temper. "Listen. We've not got any bread. No granary, no wholemeal, no white, no 50/50 with no crunchy bits! We NOT GOT ANY BREAD!!"

"Ah sorry" says the duck, completely calmly and not at all taken aback. "In that case, can I have some bread then?"

At this point the barman loses it. "Listen you feathered pest. We've not got ANY bread. No rolls, no loaves, no sticks, no petite pan, no cobs, no farmhouse loaves, cottage loaves, no cheesy topped buns, ciabatta, pitta, nan or crackers... in fact no flour based bread-type baked goods of ANY SORT!!!"

The barman is beside himself with anger an now screaming at the duck, "If you ask me ONE MORE TIME for 'bread' I'm going to grab you by your downy tits, stretch your scrawny neck across the counter and NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE SODDING BAR!!!"

This time the duck looks a bit worried... "Sorry,", mumbles the duck, "Erm... have you got any nails?"

"Nails?" says the barman, "No, we've not got any nails".

"Oh good," says the duck, "Got any bread?"

[Whiternoise]

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.z

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.


Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.


When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

[baius]

Got a feeling this may be a repost, but I can't be arsed to look.

Hmmm... Now, where've I heard that before?

[Whiternoise]

I'm getting quite concerned about what my kids are hearing in the playground.

This morning I caught my daughter imitating sex acts with her Barbie and Ken dolls.

I told her, "You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that."

She replied, "Don't worry, Dad. He's doing her up the *rse!"

--------

My girlfriend said to me last night, "If we get engaged at Christmas, will you give me a ring?"

"What for?" I replied. "I'll tell you to your face."

[watforddude]

why did the chicken cross the road



to get to the otherside taaa daa
















.

[watforddude]

A bird walk's into a bar with the ferret (weird combination) the ferrets money had fallen out while walking down the road not realising this the ferret orders about £10's worth of drinks and later realises that he has lost his wallet, he turns to the bird and the bird says dont worry il put it on my BILL

[finlay666]

Dude, thats a tad over the line with the pedophile jokes......

[watforddude]

What what what, why did the chicken cross the road :S whats wrong with that

[mediaboy]

Very rapid editing...

last edited by watforddude's at 2:06pm

post made: Today, 02:07 PM

Good job you removed it. mods don't liike it.. they get in all sorts of trouble.

[sleepyhead]

This young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed.

The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.

Then he blushed.

The the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"