The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

[Steve A]

How fights start.



My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
the channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

======================================================================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her some scales.

And then the fight started...

====================================================================

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take
her someplace expensive....

so, I took her to a petrol station...

And then the fight started...

====================================================================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as
she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend...
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and
I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

===========================================================

I rear-ended a car this morning... So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know
how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

============================================================================

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, playing golf '

Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which
one person is always right, and the other
is the husband.

[andy_1swfc]

haha short and sweet, the last one lets it down a bit.

[andy_1swfc]

Son: ''Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?''
Dad: ''Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.''

[Dareos]

One i heard today and just had to share...

Why do women wear underwear?

Because health and safety legislation states than all manholes must be covered unless in use...



ahem

[Will404]

A sixteen year-old virgin girl has a bad day. Late that evening, she goes to his office for guidance and confession.

"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
" Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch?" the priest asked.
" Because, Father, he touched me on my arm without permission."
" Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he touched her arm.
" Yes, Father."
" That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
" But, Father, he also touched my breasts."
" Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he touched her breasts.
" Yes, Father."
" That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
" But, Father, he took off my clothes."
" Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he removed her clothes.
" Yes, father."
" That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
" But, Father, then he put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
" Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he put his you-know-what in her you-know-where."
" Yes, Father."
" That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
" But, Father, he has herpes!
Remarked the Father, "That son-of-a-bitch!

[Oobie-]

One i heard today and just had to share...

Why do women wear underwear?

Because health and safety legislation states than all manholes must be covered unless in use...



ahem

I made a noise to that (y)

[0iD]

'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned', then returned to his Newspaper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said , nudged the man and apologized.
'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had Arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

[Whiternoise]

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my X-box.

[finnrogers]

Two Eskimos are sitting in their wooden kayak in the middle of a freezing cold lake - They decide to start a small fire to warm themselves up. Naturally, the kayak sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

[Behemoth]

1000 chavs were asked if Britain should change it's currency. When the results came back it was revealed that 99% of them were happy with the Giro.

[dave87]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah The teacher asked, ;What if Jonah went to hell?
The little girl replied, Then you ask him. ;
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Junior School teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, I'm drawing God;
The teacher paused and said, But no one knows what God looks like.
Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, They will in a minute.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to honour thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, Thou shall not kill.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, Why are some of your hairs white, Mummy
Her mother replied, Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My own favourite:-
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, And there's the teacher, she's dead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, & Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.
Yes, the class said.
Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?
A little fellow shouted, Cause your feet ain't empty.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic Junior School for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted it on the apple tray: Take only ONE. God is watching.
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

[shadowmaster]

Ah the good old days

[dave87]

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she
heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she
observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room,
he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip,
placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that
buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered
that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f**k are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

[Behemoth]

A Young lad pulls and older woman at a club

She is 58 but looks very good for her age, on the way back to her house the guy is thinking 'mmm' I bet her daughter is hot!

When out of the blue she asks if he would like a 'sportsman double'?

Whats that? he asks

Its a mother daughter threesome.

WOOOOOW YES PLEASE

So as they go in her front door, she puts the hall light on and shouts







MUM? You still awake?

[Brucelles]

[0iD]

One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through."

The wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplough can get through."

So the wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park........"

Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do.

Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."