The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

[GoNz0]

[0iD]

Why do men die first?


This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries…… but, now we know.


If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race…you’re a male chauvinist.



If you stay home and do the housework …you’re a pansy.


If you work too hard…there’s never any time for her.

If you don’t work enough…you’re a good-for-nothing bum.


If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay…this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay…..you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.


If you get a promotion ahead of her…..that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you……it’s affirmative action.


If you mention how nice she looks……it’s sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet……….it’s male indifference.


If you cry…………you’re a wimp.

If you don’t……..you’re an insensitive bastard.


If you make a decision without consulting her………you’re a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you……she’s a liberated woman.


If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy……. that’s domination.

If she asks you………it’s a favor.


If you appreciate the female form …..you’re a pervert.

If you don’t ….you’re gay.


If you like a woman to shave her legs, wear sexy lingerie and keep in shape ………….you’re sexist.

If you don’t……………..you’re unromantic.


If you try to keep yourself in shape……you’re vain.

If you don’t ……..you’re a slob.


If you buy her flowers………….you’re after something.

If you don’t ……..you’re not thoughtful.


If you’re proud of your achievements……..you’re full of yourself.
If you aren’t……. you’re not ambitious.


If she has a headache…………she’s tired.

If you have a headache………….you don’t love her anymore.


If you want it too often………you’re over sexed.

If you don’t…………….there must be someone else.








So why do men die first?
















Because they want to.

[=assassin=]

^ hehe I like that.

[Salazaar]

All credit to Tommy Cooper (or possibly Tim Vine)...

1. Two blondes walked into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high..'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'.
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common? '
'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

[Zadock]

Classics!

I have another that I think is tommy cooper thats not on the list.

News flash! A two seater plane has crashed in a cemetry in Ireland this evening, rescue workers have discovered 10 bodies so far but more are expected to be discovered as digging continues through into the night.

[schmunk]

All credit to Tommy Cooper...

A large proportion, if not all, are actually Tim Vine jokes.

[dagwoood]

Two flies sitting on a piece of pooh, eating it. One fly breaks wind, and the other one turns to him and says, "Do you mind, I'm eating!"

[Whiternoise]

SCHOOL 1977 vs. SCHOOL 2007

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1977 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lockdown, the F.B.I. are called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors are called in to assist traumatised students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra provincial funding because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbours car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.

1977 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.

1977 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Canadian Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against provincial school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Canada Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1977 - Ants die.

2007 - Canadian Firearms Centre and the RCMP are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. CSIS investigates parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy

[Dareos]

A large proportion, if not all, are actually Tim Vine jokes.

umm, they really aren't...


I was visiting a quarry the other day, and i said, "thats a big rock"
and the guy said "boulder"

i said THATS A BIG ROCK

now thats a Tim Vine joke....

[schmunk]

Honestly, they are: http://www.ecademy.com/node.php?id=100141.

[l33t-krew]

some truly lmfao jokes here,.

cheers

[TAKTAK]

Probably a repost but:

When you have a "I Hate My Job" day, try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested".
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."

[santa claus]

Honestly, they are: http://www.ecademy.com/node.php?id=100141.

I still think it's reasonable to credit them to Tommy Cooper. Telling jokes is an art form mastered by Tommy; Tommy could say something that didn't look funny on paper, but when he said it...

Tim Vine (whoever he is) may have written many of these jokes but they were immortalised by the genius that was Tommy Cooper.

I would say get over it Tim and be thankful that some stuff you wrote has become legend thanks to the late great Tommy Cooper.

[Dareos]

umm, Tim Vine is a lot younger than Tommy Cooper, and probably grew up listening to him

[schmunk]

I still think it's reasonable to credit them to Tommy Cooper. Telling jokes is an art form mastered by Tommy; Tommy could say something that didn't look funny on paper, but when he said it...

Tim Vine (whoever he is) may have written many of these jokes but they were immortalised by the genius that was Tommy Cooper.

I would say get over it Tim and be thankful that some stuff you wrote has become legend thanks to the late great Tommy Cooper.

I've never (I promise) posted one of these before, but in this case I feel it's merited...

[transylvanic]

Why do men die first?
Because they want to.

Great success!

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

*facepalm*