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Thread: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

  1. #1089
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    You want dodgy?

    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

    "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

    To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

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    Dearly Beloved, let us pray

    GORDON BROWN IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT WORK.
    HE LEADETH ME BESIDE THE STILL FACTORIES.
    HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY. (wut?!?!)
    HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT.
    YEA, THOUGH I WAIT FOR MY DOLE,
    I OWN THE BANK THAT REFUSES ME.
    BROWN HAS ANOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES,
    MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME,
    SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL FOLLOW ME ALL THE DAYS OF HIS TERM.
    FROM HENCE FORTH WE WILL LIVE ALL THE DAYS
    OF OUR LIVES IN A RENTED HOME WITH AN OVERSEAS LANDLORD.
    I AM GLAD I AM BRITISH,
    I AM GLAD I AM FREE.
    BUT I WISH I WERE A DOG
    AND BROWN WAS A TREE.
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    On the subject of predicted text failures:
    The local pub in town is called the crown. So when my mate, Dave, asked a particularly nice female if she wanted to meet up.

    ''fancy gettin food in the crown?''

    It was inevitably written as:

    ''fancy gettin done in the brown?''
    I don't mean to sound cold, or cruel, or vicious, but I am so that's the way it comes out.

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Little Old Lady in court......

    Defence Attorney:
    Will you please state your age?


    Little Old Lady:
    I am 86 years old.

    Defence Attorney:
    Will you tell us, in your own Words,
    what happened the night of April 1st?

    Little Old Lady:
    There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front Porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the Porch and sat down beside me.

    Defence Attorney:
    Did you know him?

    Little Old Lady:
    No, but he sure was friendly.

    Defence Attorney:
    What happened after he sat down?

    Little Old Lady:
    He started to rub my thigh.

    Defence Attorney:
    Did you stop him?

    Little Old Lady:
    No, I didn't stop him.


    Defence Attorney:
    Why not?


    Little Old Lady:
    It felt good.
    Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

    Defence Attorney:
    What happened next?

    Little Old Lady:
    He began to rub my breasts.

    Defence Attorney:
    Did you stop him then?

    Little Old Lady:
    No, I did not stop him.


    Defence Attorney:
    Why not?

    Little Old Lady:
    His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.
    I haven't felt that good in years!

    Defence Attorney:
    What happened next?

    Little Old Lady:
    Well, by then, I was feeling really 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
    'Take me, young man. Take me!'


    Defence Attorney:
    Did he take you?

    Little Old Lady:
    Hell, no! He just yelled,
    'April Fool!'
    And that's when I shot him, the little b******d.

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    CREDIT CRUNCH TIPS

    DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune
    and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you
    like and hum that instead.

    DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity
    stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old
    bank statements.

    HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by
    moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
    morning, simply move it all back again.

    SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by changing
    your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

    DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; stand closer to the
    object you wish to view.

    AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive
    vibrator.

    LIVERPOOL FANS can save money on expensive new kits by
    strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to
    your allegiance.

    SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking
    around wearing a miner's hat.

    HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the
    price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in
    your coat pocket.

    OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross
    out the names and address of people you don't know.

    SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning
    you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of
    washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

    SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they will
    wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

    OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, pop outside for ten
    minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel the
    benefit.

    CAN'T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and
    press them into your eyes.

    WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips
    from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.

    MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.

    MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a
    window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

    SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them
    before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

    WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less anyway
    and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house afterwards.

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.


    Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.


    Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.


    Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

    'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

    'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

    The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered 'Is that one word or two?'

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    These are sentences allegedly typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow – personally I thinks it's a pile of arsebiscuits, but what the hell, some are mildly humourous.

    1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.


    2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.


    3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.


    4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.


    5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.


    6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.


    7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.


    8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.


    9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.


    10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.


    11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.


    12. She is numb from her toes down.


    13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.


    14. The skin was moist and dry.


    15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.


    16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.


    17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.


    18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.


    19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.


    20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.


    21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.


    22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.


    23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.


    24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.


    25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.


    26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

    .
    27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.


    28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.


    29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.


    30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.


    31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.


    32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.


    33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

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    WARNING! Racist humour may offend

    Scouse Vasectomy

    After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

    The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
    The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
    'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
    So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.
    He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
    This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford, Huddersfield and anywhere in Wales !
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Great Hotel English translations of the World

    Yugoslavian Hotel
    The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid

    Japanese Hotel
    You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid

    Swiss restaurant
    Our wines leave you nothing to hope for

    Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand
    Would you like to ride on your own ass?

    Bangkok dry cleaners
    Drop your trousers here for best results

    Athens Hotel
    Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily

    Bucharest Hotel
    The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable

    Leipzig elevator
    Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up

    Belgrade hotel elevator
    To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order


    Moscow Hotel (across from a Russian Orthodox monastery)
    You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday

    Austrian Hotel catering to skiers
    Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension

    Polish Hotel menu
    Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion

    Outside a Paris dress shop
    Dresses for street walking

    Rhodes (Tailor's)
    Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation

    German camp site
    It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose

    Zurich Hotel
    Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose

    Rome laundry
    Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time

    Bangkok temple
    It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man

    Tokyo bar
    Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts

    Norwegian cocktail lounge
    Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar

    Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner
    Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.


    Brochure of a car rental firm, Tokyo
    When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

    Nairobi Restaurant
    Customers Who Find Our Waitresses Rude Ought To See The Manager.

    Supermarket, Hong Kong
    For Your Convenience, We recommend Courteous, Efficient Self-Service.

    Spotted In A Safari Park
    Elephants Please Stay In Your Car

    Outside A Farm
    Horse Manure
    50c - per Pre-Packed Bag
    20c - Do-It-Yourself.

    Sign In A Launderette
    Automatic Washing Machines
    Please Remove All Your Clothes When The Light Goes Out

    Sign in an Irish office
    After morning coffee break, staff should empty the pot and stand upside down on the draining board.

    Sign in a London department store
    Bargain Basement Upstairs.

    In a Vienna hotel:
    In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter

    On the tap (faucet) in a Finnish washroom
    To stop the drip, turn cock to right


    Japan, Hotel bedroom
    GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED
    Post Counts and Other Rewards, Rules, Folding@Home, Fans: Push vs Pull vs Push-Pull, Corsair PSU OEMs.

    Quote Originally Posted by razer121 View Post
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    TAKTAK.co.uk

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Two blonds were flying from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, "Unfortunately, we have lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three engines left. However, instead of five hours, it will take seven hours to get to New York."

    A little later, he told the passengers that a second engine had failed. "But we still have two engines left; we're still fine, except now it will take ten hours to get to New York."

    Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. "But never fear, because this plane can fly on a single engine. Of course, it will now take 18 hours to get to New York."

    At this point, one blond turned to the other and said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever...'

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around in Mexico.

    While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.

    It looked good.

    It smelled good.

    He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

    The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

    The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on holiday down here! Bring me an order!"

    The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

    The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

    After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

    The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The World's Easiest Quiz...

    To pass, you need five correct answers (answers at the bottom):


    1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
    2) Which country makes Panama hats?
    3) From which animal do we get catgut?
    4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
    5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
    6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
    7) What was King George VI's first name?
    8) What colour is a purple finch?
    9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
    10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?

    Answers below...















    And here are the answers:
    1) (How long did the Hundred Years War last?) 116 years
    2) (Which country makes Panama hats?) Ecuador
    3) (From which animal do we get catgut?) Sheep and Horses
    4) (In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?) November
    5) (What is a camel's hair brush made of?) Squirrel fur
    6) (The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?) Dogs
    7) (What was King George VI's first name?) Albert
    8) (What colour is a purple finch?) Crimson
    9) (Where are Chinese gooseberries from?) New Zealand
    10) (What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?) Orange, of course
    Last edited by TAKTAK; 06-03-2009 at 05:01 PM.
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  22. #1100
    handscombmp
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    A blonde is flying in first class to new york but she's meant to be in Third class.
    An air hostess ask her to move to correct seat but the reply she gets is "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to New York"
    The air hostess tells the Chief Air Hostess that she won't move so she goes and trys. The chief air hostess gets the same answer "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to New York"
    She decides to go and tell the first office. So the first officer asks the blonde to move and gets exactly the same result. "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to New York"
    Finally the First Officer goes and tells the Captain who says. 'Let me handle this. My wifes blonde'
    So he walks over to her and whispers something in her ear. The blonde jumps up and runs to the back of the plane.
    The First Officer, Chief Air Hostess & the air hostess are amazed. They ask the Captain what he said to which he replied "Oh. I told her the 1st class section wasn't going to New York. She wants the 3rd Class part"

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  24. #1101
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    No previous history of suicides

    Quote Originally Posted by 0iD View Post
    1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

    7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

    26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
    I wept with laughter at this, 0iD. I got a similar one about what "Church Banners" have said, which I should put up here. It's the effort of seeing if someone else (you - usually) has beat me to it.

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  26. #1102
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    Re: No previous history of suicides

    Quote Originally Posted by baius View Post
    It's the effort of seeing if someone else (you - usually) has beat me to it.
    Why? Just repost away. A fair few of these are anyway.

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  28. #1103
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Tis teh truths he speeks
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

  29. #1104
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread


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