Whats blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic...
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Whats blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic...
Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'
The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'
So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'
Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse.'
Practical joke we did on a guy at work who is currently on holiday (well honeymoon)
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That's right, a chapel around his desk :D
A BLOKE STORY
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to
take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is
lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever
seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get
here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I
landed here when my cruise ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up
with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out
of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum
tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and
stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'
'But, where did you get the tools?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I
found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my
kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used
the tools to make the hardware.'
The guy is stunned.
'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing,
she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he
nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an
exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the
house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'
'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.
'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut
juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit
down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories,
the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and
shave?
There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There,
in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells
honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a
swivel mechanism.
'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines,
strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
beckons for him to sit down next to her.
'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've
been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something
I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been
longing for?' She stares into his eyes ..
He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....
'F*cking hell don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well?'
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low
fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a
dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing
behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, ‘You must
be single.’
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the
derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on
the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selection that could have
tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, ‘Well, you know what, you’re
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?’
The drunk replied, ‘Cos you’re ugly.’
A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car
salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90mph, enjoying
the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to
the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car
behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. 'I can get away from him
- no problem!' thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then
120, then 130mph.
Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this
nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the
police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of
the BMW, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes.
Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a
reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'
The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, 'Years ago, my
wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.'
'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman.
Is your partner overweight?
Get them to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles at night.....
After 2 weeks the fatty will be 84 miles way! :mrgreen:
A store that sells new husbands has opened in the new Town Center, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Got this in an email, its long but I found it really funny.
Quote:
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Marys Crescent, which is just off St Marys Road in Bodmin.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant
*******
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Mr *******,
I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC *******
Community Beat Officer
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear PC *******
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these ***** that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on xxxxx. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
Regards
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!
Whats the difference between a chav and a park bench?
The bench can support a family
Paedophilia is only a minor offence.
--
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
--
Airlines have banned passengers from taking tweezers on board...
Anybody who can hijack a plane using a set of tweezers deserves the ****ing plane.
The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.
They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
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Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
Depends how much you've been drinking.
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I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks (Sweden)?
Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
What did your last slave die of?
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Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
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Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
You are a British politician, right?
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Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
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Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA)
Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
__________________________________________________
Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Sickipedia actually, but hey they steal jokes from everywhere :P
There once was a man who was old,
Who wanted a beer that was cold,
He reached for his cup...
"NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP..."
LOL YOU JUST GOT LIMMERICK RICKROLL'D!!!!
Whats a Wombat for?
Playing Wom.
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give £50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered £100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65.
To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to £200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the dang brakes on that truck!"
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
Anyone who is a fan of the radio show I'm Sorry, I Haven't A Clue may recognise a few of these next posts :)
On the subject of innappropriate book begginings - the Mr. Men books.
Mr. Big was the envy of all the other Mr. Men.
No-one was more full of surprises than Mr. Ladyboy.
Mr. Politically-Incorrect awoke and found himself surrounded by Frogs, Wops, Huns and Deigos.
(awaits flaming for that last one. sorry! blame Tim Brooke-Taylor! :surrender:)
And now for the ever-lovely Samantha :):
Samantha has to nip off now to do her food shopping. Although she's always been a fan of Mr. Dewhurst's Beef-In-Guiness, she can't wait to have Mr Dewhurst's Tongue-In-Cider (say it out loud...)
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Samantha is off to meet her driving tutor now, who has been giving her lessons. Unfortunately, she's not all that good, and she's alreading scratched the paintwork and gotten a few dents in it that they need to repair, so while she gets stripping, he'll be knocking one out.
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Samantha has just gone out to help her new gentleman friend, who is having trouble with his computer. She is something of an IT whizz, and says she is looking forwards to fixing his desktop, to prevent it crashing and going down on him every two hours.
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Now, a couple of other jokes from Humphrey Littleton throughout some of the airings I've heard:
It's quite amazing how things have changed since the introduction of television. I recall, back in the early '50s, looking at this strange wooden box in the corner, peering at a fuzzy grey face by way of an evening's entertainment. But then, TV arrived, so we put the lid back on Granny's coffin and carried her back down to the cemetary.
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My grandfather was always intrigued by the superstition that breaking a mirror brings you 7 years bad luck. So much so, that yesterday he broke 4 to guarantee he would live to 114 years old.
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The '70s were much simpler times, long before the age of the hoodie and the ASBO. These days, it's even neccessary to send grumpy Grannies to prison. I noticed that the 85-year-old who was put away, successfully appealed against her sentence, and had it reduced from 6 months to life.
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Lionel Blair has had to resort to pantomimes in his old age, but he is becoming increasingly difficult to work with due to his mood swings. In a recent production of Snow white, they said one minute he was feeling happy, and the next he had come all over grumpy.
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts.
When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't you eat the peanuts?"
"We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied.
"We just love the chocolate around them."
A landlord is behind the bar when in walks a businessman. “What’ll you have?” asks the publican. “A scotch, please,” says the businessman. The bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That’ll be two quid.” “What are you talking about?” says the man, angry. “I don’t owe you anything.” A nearby lawyer turns to the bartender. “You know, he’s got you there,” he says. “In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.” The bartender’s not impressed, but relents as he turns to the first man. “OK, you got yourself a free drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.” The next day, the same businessman walks into the bar – and the landlord is furious. “Get out! I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!” “What’re you talking about?” says the man. “I’ve never been in this place in my life.” The barman is suddenly embarrassed. “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.” The businessman grins at him. “Cheers! Make it a scotch.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are making a
movie about the lives of the great composers.
Stallone says "I want to be Mozart."
Schwarzenegger says: "In that case... I'll be Bach."
Did you know its now illegal to wear the clothes on the wrong part of the body?
Yes, I know cause Gary Glitter got arrested for putting a Thai on his :censored:
The japanese have invented a camera that's so fast, it can photograph a woman with her mouth shut........................
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''
IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVISORY FOR WOMEN
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about White Wine.
White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of
your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing
to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately and with
a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent
you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start
living, with White Wine. White Wine may not be right for everyone.
Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine. However,
women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to
try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration,
erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of
money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing,
headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and
play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked
Twister.
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NOW JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD ACHIEVE WITH RED WINE!!!
A little girl and her mother were out and about.
Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.
The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.
The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
That's brilliant :D
A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.
Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
Ever notice how the phrase 'lickety-split' is no longer popular? You never hear a sports commentator describe anyone, especially a woman as 'going lickety-split'. Why not I wonder?
A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the manager.
She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
The manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £17.41.
The manager says, 'Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but we are a little puzz led.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionairess.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?'
The blonde replies...'Where else in central London can I park my car for two weeks for only £17.41
and expect it to be there when I return?'
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little maths that might prove helpful.
If:
is represented as:Code:A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
then:Code:1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
but:Code:H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
and:Code:A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bull**** will put you over the top.Code:B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
And look how far this will take you...
Think about it... and have a nice day at work... :)Code:A R S E K I S S I N G
1 18 19 5 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 122%
(Sorry about that escaping the filter... I put it like that so it lined up nicely, also the reason for code tags)
Who is Jack Schitt you ask?
The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep 'N' Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a secondary school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her children were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper told of the Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
LOL and you apologise for the first post :P
just did a quick search and it wasn't on here yet so........
What is brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr Dre
But it's not as bad as
http://forums.hexus.net/general-disc...ml#post1393447
and it made me laugh
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.
They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, ‘As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little ‘oral sex’ will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.’
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room. After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses ran back into the room. ‘What happened!?’ they cried.
The husband said, “I’m not sure; maybe she choked.”
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large
sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write "Spaghetti" on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, some months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey", she said, "you received a very strange post card today".
"Oh, really? Let me see...", he said.
The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned
white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without.
Send extra sauce."
I had a stroke of luck on the stock exchange yesterday.
I managed to swap three oxo cubes for a jar of bovril.
-------------
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm using my hand,
But I'm thinking of you.
--------------
I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."
Unbelievable what some people are into.
'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her any crap , you will receive a ton of s**t.'
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'
'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde.
'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
'Yes,' said the blonde , 'I'll go home and get it.'
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container
back and reads out loud from the container ...
'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.'
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
'OLD' IS WHEN...?
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love, and you answer,
'Pick one, I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...?
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...?
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
'OLD' IS WHEN...?
Going bra less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN...?
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...?
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
'OLD' IS WHEN...?
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...?
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...?
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND?
'OLD' IS WHEN...?
You are not sure these are jokes.
A blonde went into a World Wide Message Centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost £300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".
The man arched an eyebrow.
"Hmmm...Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did. He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did. "Now take down my zipper".
She did. "Now go ahead ... take it out...." he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.
The man closed his eyes, smiled and whispered
"Well............ go ahead".
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...........
"Hello. Mom...can you hear me?"
How To Shower Like aWoman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to
lights and darks.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to domore
sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah andpumice
stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 addedvitamins.
Washyour hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes untilred.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them ina
pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see girlfriend along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo'sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of baththe
whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass girlfriend, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the
'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
I KNOW YOUR LAUGHING CAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TglB2ere2gc
It's more of a visual joke ;)
Feminists; if only they put all that passion into their cooking.
=
What's the male equivalent of a feminist?
A sexist.
http://i354.photobucket.com/albums/r...19/wifefc8.jpg
:D *Runs away
Brilliant T-Shirt. There is an HTML one for women too. I just need to dig it up from an old HDD...
In the mean time I'll stick some other pictures up :)
http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k2...c/Picture5.jpg
http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k2.../Picture13.jpg
Pictures eh?
http://media.fukung.net/images/9359/9216.jpg
http://img205.imageshack.us/img205/6939/familyp1kx6.jpg
Well dodgy :P
LOL its funny because he's dead
They can also be used for going round the back door without suffering the consequences (ie getting covered in **** because of your actions).
cool; i like it :stupid:
At the Paralympics, how do they decide who parks the closest?
(From "8 Out of 10 Cats" last night)
A Pikey woman is trotting down the road in her horse and carriage when she is pulled over by a cop. "I'm not going to give you a summons, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your carriage", says the cop.
"Oh, I'll let my husband know as soon as I get home," she replies
The cops adds, "another thing, I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around his testicles, I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that too. If I catch you again and these problems are not fixed you will have a fine"
Later that day, the woman is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, what exactly did he say?" asks the bloke
"He said the reflector is broken" she answered.
"I can fix that in a couple of minutes", he replies, "anything else?"
After thinking she replies, "I'm not sure, something about the emergency brake..."
I've got a few animations here, courtesey of weebl-stuff :)
Some are OLD, some new, some disturbing and there's also one that fits right in with the 'Best Biscuit Poll' from whenever that was :)
The Estate Agent NSFW or kids!
Melons The fruit type ;)
A Walk In The Woods ...wtf?
Biscuits A guide by Bob :)
TV Is Good For Me Although the URL says e4, I swear it really is still weebls-stuff. Also, NSFW-ish
Owls O rly Simon?
Guide To Celebrity E4 again. and NSFW.
Waffles NSFW again...
Guide To Advertising E4 AGAIN.
We Are Mature As the title suggests, NSFW :P
Credit Crunch Ooh err, very topical.
What's the fastest thing on dry land??
Stevie Wonder's speedboat
:rolleyes: Reminds me of this one.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for Xmas.
He said it was the most violent book he had ever read.
I saw this while sorting stuff out for uni and thought it was quite funny. :)
http://img254.imageshack.us/img254/1...valtimeha7.jpg
Possibly for those that are either
1) Very drunk
2) Very young
3) Very old
4) Amnesiatic
Going by the area code, I'm guessing that's for Southampton Uni? I wonder if the Nursing and Midwifery building still has the "Deliveries at rear" sign outside their building. :)
Apologies for this one in advance its terrible!
There is a family lying on a beach, Gary Glitter walks over to them and asks the mother if he can borrow some sun tan lotion. she looks up at him and says "excuse me! do you mind?! your in my sun"
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Spot", or "Blackie", or "Fido". I call mine Sexton. Over the years that got shortened to "Sex". Now Sex has been very embarassing to me. When I went to city hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said he'd like one too. Then I said this is for a dog, and he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said you don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old. He said I must have been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me, and when I checked into my hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said every room was a special room for Sex. I said you don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night, and he said me too.
One day I entered a contest, but before the contest began the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around, and I told him I was planning to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold tickets. I said you don't undersand, I had hopes of having Sex on TV. He called me a showoff.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog, and I said your honor, I had Sex before I was married, and the judge said me too. Then I told him after I got married Sex left me, and he said me too. Last night Sex ran off again, and I spent hours looking for him. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at four o'clock in the morning. I told him I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up next Friday.
A young lady is going to show her pet dog at Crufts. Owing to the strict guidelines of how the particular breed must look, it was going to take some time to groom & shave him in the correct fashion. To speed things up she decided to go & get some hair removal cream from the chemist. She reasoned that if it was safe for humans, it would be safe for her pet dog.
She walks into the chemist & asks for the largest tube of Veet they have.
"Is it for your legs dear?" asks the chemist, "Because if so I'd advise not to go out in the sun for a few days after, as it could cause bleaching of the skin"
"No, it's not for my legs" replied the woman.
"Well if it's for your underarms I'd advise not using antiperspirant for a couple of days, as it may cause stinging & irritation" said the chemist.
"No, it's not for my underarms" replied the woman.
"Well as you don't seem to be unduly cursed with facial hair, may I inquire as to it's use, seeing as you want so much of it...?" the chemist asked.
"oh," said the woman, "It's for my Schnauzer".
"Fair enough", said the chemist, "I'd just avoid vigorous sex & riding a bike for a few days"
Whats Black and Waits at the top of the stairs ?
Steven Hawkins after a house fire..
What is black and loud?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron
Did you here about the Irish spokesman who thought that "Muffin the mule" was a sex offence:cool:
What about the man who goes into the clock shop and puts his cock on the counter, the lady say's this a clock shop not a cock shop, the man say's stick two hand on that then,,,
Try putting both in one post next time, double posting is considered spam most of the time ;)
Some quick one-liners:
How do you know when a moth farts?
It flies straight for a moment.
How do you make a butterfly?
Flick it out of the butter dish with a knife.
And a couple of limericks :)
On the breast of a barmaid named Gail
Were tattoed the prices of ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same, but written in Braille.
There was a young curate from Kew
Who kept a Tom Cat in a pew
And taught it to speak
Alphabetical Greek
But it never got farther than mu.
There once was a man from the sticks
Who liked to compose limericks
But he gave up the sport
Because he wrote them too short
Lol!
I saw this, and thought that it goes well with the Stevie Wonder ones being told:
http://www.thesilence.ca/random_junk..._backwards.jpg
EDIT: well, it does if you can see it...
http://www.thesilence.ca/random_junk..._backwards.jpg
EDIT2: Christ that's rubbish, link doesn't work either :(
Just refresh it when it pops up in a new window/tab. Works then (in Firefox anyway). :)
Just for JK...
http://i325.photobucket.com/albums/k..._backwards.jpg
Yep, that's the one.
I could see it on my screen, but links not working. Internet fails.
http://www.thesilence.ca/random_junk/
then navigate.
(These jokes have been castrated due to the swearing the originals had)
Norfolk couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.
Husband says ' Oh for pete's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'
My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.
She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
I said, 'You're not bloomin' listening'
Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.
She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you idiot'. He replied casually,
'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your bum but you said, 'Get lost it'll be too painful'.
I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off andwalks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and buggers off.
If the following is deemed inappropriate, I apologise and will remove it. For now, highlight to read.
Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Have you ever seen Stevie Wonders kids?
No?
Neither has he.
Tommy Cooper specials:
News flash!! A two seater cesna plane crashed last night in a grave yeard in northern ireland... rescue workers have found 12 bodies so far and more are expected to be found as digging continues into the night.
I went to a seafood disco last night... pulled a muscle
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife....
Isn't it just a little ironic to see a group of pro-lifers throwing eggs at an abortion clinic?
I went on a trip to Egypt and I looked at those Pyramids... they were awe-inspiring... it made think "You know what, say what you like but slavery gets it done!"
nah, in the spirit of the thread!
Man walks into a iron-mongers. He askes "do you have any experience in shoeing horses?" the iron monger replies "no, but I have told a donkey to **** off."
First one was :P I loved the first one...
Now for something less dodgy :)
A scouser rings the local paper to place an obituary for his late wife. He only has £1 which would only get him three words.
He said write "Margaret is dead".
The guy at the paper felt sorry for him and said "You can have three more words at no extra cost".
The scouser thanks the guy, thinks for a minute and says "Can you write 'Margaret is dead, Fiesta for sale'."
Why do nuns have flat hair?
Force of habit.
(yes, it's from today's The London Paper, but it's a great joke...)
The Dead Cow and Vet School.
First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.'
'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'
POLITICAL SCIENCE FOR DUMMIES
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch of pasta and vino.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You re-count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Russian Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.