Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
another 2 off the bash you might like
"
<Kyuss> how big should disk 1 of neverwinter be?
<JtHM> |<----------------------------->|
<JtHM> (not to scale)
"
"
Primus521: hey dude the funniest thing happened to me today
Primus521: im at walmart and this chick is buying a box of tampons and they are missing the upc and wont ring up
Primus521: so the cashier tells his buddy to get a price check on tampax
Primus521: the dude looks at him and says, "the kind u push in, or the kind you hammer in?"
Primus521: lol
Primus521: turns out he misheard him
Primus521: he thought he said thumbtacs
Primus521: you should have seen the look on the chicks face
Primus521: omfg
Primus521: til the day i die
Primus521: i will never forget it
"
and btw i see im not the only one who checks sikipedia everyday, i see most of the jokes here are off there
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Lovingly wrapped in a nice creamy white envelope, with gorgeously detailed fine gold writing and a first class stamp.
This isn't just any P45, this is a marks and Spencers P45.
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Damn, I hate those adverts dave. But lol :P
Baius: If you click the number of the post, rather than the permalink link next to it, it will give you just that post by itself, and ppp doesn't affect it.
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
http://i40.tinypic.com/2r7r8co.jpg
Coincidence? :D
Edit: Credit to Madduck who got here first in the QT thread, hadn't seen it!
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
The best form of contraceptive for old people is nudity.
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Whiternoise
I love this thread but hate all the racist jokes. You guys need to be careful. Being racist can give you cancer.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Whiternoise
A starving asylum seeker is greeted at Dover by a God Fairy who grants him 3 wishes.
"I'm hungry" he says. POW! A banquet table appears.
"I want a nice house" he says. POW! A mansion with a swimming pool appears.
"I want to be a real Englishman" POW! Everything vanishes!
Asylum seekers asks "Where's everything gone?"
Fairy says "You're an Englishman now, and entitled to **** ALL!"
Racism, xenophobia, it's a fine line... :rolleyes:
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Ouch, thats a bit on the line that one. haha.
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
schmunk
Racism, xenophobia, it's a fine line... :rolleyes:
I'd argue the second one wasn't racist or xenophobic in the slightest.
It's poking fun at us (myself as a born and bred Briton), the English being slowly screwed by the government. :P
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A Letter from Men to Women
To all women,
On behalf of all men I would like to clarify a few points:
* The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
* Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
* When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
* When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
* If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
* If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
* If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
* I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
* Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
* Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
* If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
* I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
* Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.
Thank you for your understanding,
From all men.
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Rules for Men
1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party goers.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is okay for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
b. After wrecking his boss' Ferrari.
c. When his date is using her teeth.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is five minutes. Maximum waiting time is six minutes
7. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10. It is permissible to have a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel ... and it's free.
11. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
12. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem -- you didn't see nothin'.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
15. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
16. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
d. Nice butt. Are you a Sagittarius?
17. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard and so for his birthday takes him out for a treat to a local strip club
When they are seated a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?' 'Oh, I recognise her - she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.' A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?' Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, 'Bloody hell Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
BOB's funeral will be on Friday.
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
lol efficiently lazy where did you get those from.... i know another forum that had those jokes about a year ago and the guy who runs it is a good friend off mine
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Georgy291
lol efficiently lazy where did you get those from.... i know another forum that had those jokes about a year ago and the guy who runs it is a good friend off mine
I found them on some obscure joke website, type in gender jokes into google and you should find it.
Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Teh jokes are all over teh interwebs. Ask 0iD, he knows that well ;)