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Thread: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

  1. #1185
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    I sent my friend a "permalink" to the joke I just posted. (She emailed it to me.)

    She asked me if I was shadowmaster. Isn't that cool? (I've got forum preferences to have more per page than a non-member would get, so it messes up the links.)

    So, if you're sending jokes to others, you have to send "individual posts", by the looks of it.

    Baius
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  2. #1186
    unknown Georgy291's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    another 2 off the bash you might like
    "
    <Kyuss> how big should disk 1 of neverwinter be?
    <JtHM> |<----------------------------->|
    <JtHM> (not to scale)
    "

    "
    Primus521: hey dude the funniest thing happened to me today
    Primus521: im at walmart and this chick is buying a box of tampons and they are missing the upc and wont ring up
    Primus521: so the cashier tells his buddy to get a price check on tampax
    Primus521: the dude looks at him and says, "the kind u push in, or the kind you hammer in?"
    Primus521: lol
    Primus521: turns out he misheard him
    Primus521: he thought he said thumbtacs
    Primus521: you should have seen the look on the chicks face
    Primus521: omfg
    Primus521: til the day i die
    Primus521: i will never forget it
    "


    and btw i see im not the only one who checks sikipedia everyday, i see most of the jokes here are off there
    Quote Originally Posted by MadduckUK View Post
    now that i think about the word "throttled" in a certain light... its not so far different to strangled really

    our boiler broke so we has no heating or hot water, this is the bloody result ^^

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  4. #1187
    radix lecti dave87's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Lovingly wrapped in a nice creamy white envelope, with gorgeously detailed fine gold writing and a first class stamp.





    This isn't just any P45, this is a marks and Spencers P45.

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  6. #1188
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Damn, I hate those adverts dave. But lol

    Baius: If you click the number of the post, rather than the permalink link next to it, it will give you just that post by itself, and ppp doesn't affect it.

  7. #1189
    Pseudo-Mad Scientist Whiternoise's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread



    Coincidence?

    Edit: Credit to Madduck who got here first in the QT thread, hadn't seen it!
    Last edited by Whiternoise; 28-03-2009 at 12:05 AM.

  8. #1190
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    The best form of contraceptive for old people is nudity.

  9. #1191
    sneaks quietly away. schmunk's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Whiternoise View Post
    I love this thread but hate all the racist jokes. You guys need to be careful. Being racist can give you cancer.
    Quote Originally Posted by Whiternoise View Post
    A starving asylum seeker is greeted at Dover by a God Fairy who grants him 3 wishes.

    "I'm hungry" he says. POW! A banquet table appears.

    "I want a nice house" he says. POW! A mansion with a swimming pool appears.

    "I want to be a real Englishman" POW! Everything vanishes!

    Asylum seekers asks "Where's everything gone?"

    Fairy says "You're an Englishman now, and entitled to **** ALL!"
    Racism, xenophobia, it's a fine line...

  10. #1192
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Ouch, thats a bit on the line that one. haha.
    Last edited by 0iD; 28-03-2009 at 07:54 PM. Reason: You said it :)

  11. #1193
    Pseudo-Mad Scientist Whiternoise's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by schmunk View Post
    Racism, xenophobia, it's a fine line...
    I'd argue the second one wasn't racist or xenophobic in the slightest.

    It's poking fun at us (myself as a born and bred Briton), the English being slowly screwed by the government.

  12. #1194
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    Quote Originally Posted by JK Ferret View Post
    Baius: If you click the number of the post, rather than the permalink link next to it, it will give you just that post by itself, and ppp doesn't affect it.
    Thanks for your reply. I was trying to find a way of referencing the one post, but within the "context" of the rest of the thread.

    For instance, it would have been nice for my friend to see my other post as well; but not the end of the world.

    ON WITH THE JOKES...

    Baius
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  13. #1195
    Efficiently lazy shadowmaster's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    A Letter from Men to Women

    To all women,
    On behalf of all men I would like to clarify a few points:

    * The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
    * Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
    * When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
    * When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
    * If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
    * If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
    * If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
    * I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
    * Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
    * Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
    * If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
    * I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
    * Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.

    Thank you for your understanding,
    From all men.

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  15. #1196
    Efficiently lazy shadowmaster's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Rules for Men

    1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party goers.

    2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

    3. It is okay for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

    a. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

    b. After wrecking his boss' Ferrari.

    c. When his date is using her teeth.

    4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

    5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

    6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is five minutes. Maximum waiting time is six minutes

    7. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

    8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)

    9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

    10. It is permissible to have a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel ... and it's free.

    11. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

    12. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem -- you didn't see nothin'.

    13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

    14. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

    15. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

    16. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

    a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!

    b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

    c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

    d. Nice butt. Are you a Sagittarius?

    17. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

  16. #1197
    d_b
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard and so for his birthday takes him out for a treat to a local strip club

    When they are seated a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?' 'Oh, I recognise her - she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.' A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?' Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, 'Bloody hell Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

    BOB's funeral will be on Friday.

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  18. #1198
    unknown Georgy291's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    lol efficiently lazy where did you get those from.... i know another forum that had those jokes about a year ago and the guy who runs it is a good friend off mine
    Quote Originally Posted by MadduckUK View Post
    now that i think about the word "throttled" in a certain light... its not so far different to strangled really

    our boiler broke so we has no heating or hot water, this is the bloody result ^^

  19. #1199
    Efficiently lazy shadowmaster's Avatar
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Georgy291 View Post
    lol efficiently lazy where did you get those from.... i know another forum that had those jokes about a year ago and the guy who runs it is a good friend off mine
    I found them on some obscure joke website, type in gender jokes into google and you should find it.

  20. #1200
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Teh jokes are all over teh interwebs. Ask 0iD, he knows that well

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