How many animals can you fit in a condom, a cock and few hares
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How many animals can you fit in a condom, a cock and few hares
:D there's dodgy...and there's rubbish :)
Fine line.
Try having sex while camping. It's intense.
sorry!
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I had sex in the back of my dad's car once.
He was furious when he looked in the rear-view mirror.
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Shag: funny word, isn't it?
To ornithologists, it's a bird.
To a smoker, it's a type of tobacco.
To Americans, it's a dance.
And to some, it's just a remote possibility.
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Now what were you thinking? :naughty:
I don't know what women keep bragging about being able to multi-task for.
What's so great about doing three things wrong at the same time?
I can't be arsed any more to check if these are reposts :)
Last month a worldwide survey was conducted by the United Nations.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a massive failure:
In Africa, they didn't know what 'food' meant.
In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
In Western Europe, they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
In China, they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
In the Middle East, they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
In South America, they didn't know what 'please' meant.
And in the United States, they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!
__________________________________________________________________
It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P : Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S:Took hammer away from midget
A guy goes to Barking Council to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He answers 'Yes - caffeine'
'Have you ever been in the armed services?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, 'Yes ...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'
The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.
Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, whydon't you want me to be here before 10 AM?' '
'This is a council job,' the interviewer says.
'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks, not really any point in you coming in for that.'
Right, dont hate me for this one ok....
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.
Finally, one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten. . . " As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hit the water and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. During the next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn. Lightning never strikes twice except in stories like this, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning struck the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian? " he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark" came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate, the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again. "
Christian replied, "No way, man. You'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy. I will not be tricked ".
Justin cried back "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. . . . . . . . . "
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I'm a prawn again Christian. . . ! ! !
Amen. (Um???)
Actually think 0iD's "version" is better. It's not as intellectual, but it's more "punchy".
0iD, I was only pulling your leg about the repitition (if you're even replying to me...). I don't care less. In fact, please let me thank you (I did, btw - again) for the continuous stream of GOOD (not dodgy) jokes.
This should definitely be renamed to:
-> "0iD's Well Good (sic) Joke Thread".
:rockon2:
(Note, all the more appropriate, when you see WHO the first poster was.)
An (sterotypical for the sake of humour and no racism intended) Irishman goes to the Doctor with bottom problems....
'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
'Incredible' he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.
'This is amazing!' exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'
'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another an d another, etc.....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'
'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman
'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'
This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?" She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?
"Your name never came up..." she replied
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
One of my uncles has an invisible friend, and although he never really brings it up when he's at our house, I understand that he goes on about it constantly at work.
Mind you, he is a vicar.
85% of liverpudlian males enjoy sex in the shower
The other 15% haven't been to prison yet
What are a woman's four favourite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom,
and a Jackass to pay for it all.
Ok, I apologise for his reappearence, but it is funny...
TRICK OR TREAT!
But... who's getting the treat?
http://forums.gameon.co.uk/attachmen...4&d=1225495154
... and where would that be from?
("Hmmm." (Better if you say it a few times out loud, make it sound all contemplative, like.) "I could steal his jokes, and... Yes! Then it would be 'Baius's Well Dodgy Joke Thread'. Hmmm." (Hmmm's same as before.))
All the best (and I won't nick your jokes - promise).
LaterZ, all. :embarrassed:
[P.S. I read out the ones about the pilots and repair crew to some friends today, and they wept with laughter the same as I did the first time. (I'm sure the sarcastic way I read them helped, though... :cool:)]
Oh, and my new signature:
:mrgreen: MC2 :mrgreen: ("My System": PC & Next PC)
Been waiting for a "quote" I love for ages. Now I'm a real Hexus "geek".
(So I'm actually going to thank you, yet again. Sorry if that's "weird".)
After his divorce Mr. Jones realized that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.
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Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
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And to balance things out here are some jokes about men
TRUE MEANING OF MALE STATEMENTS
Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
True Meaning: "I'm poor."
Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."
Statement: "She's kinda cute."
True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the
head might be necessary."
Statement: "I don't know if I like her."
True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."
Statement: "Was it good for you?"
True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."
Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."
True Meaning: "Who are you?"
Statement: "Do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."
Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find
out sooner or later."
Statement: "How much do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on
their way to tell you by now."
Statement: "I have something to tell you."
True Meaning: "Get tested."
Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
True Meaning: "You're ugly."
Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"
Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?" True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."
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Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. They don't stop and ask for directions.
Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
Q. What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man?
A. Lazy
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A bloke is sat at a bar when he sees this gorgeous woman waiting for her date. He decides to go over and chat her up.
'I think you're wasting your time, I'm only interested in women' said the woman.
'Oh come on, I bet I can change your mind' said the bloke. After ten minutes of the bloke pestering her, she had had enough.
'OK' said the woman 'I'll sleep with you if you can do anything for me that my vibrator can't!'
'OK, barman get this lady a drink' he said. 'let's see your vibrator do that?
Went trick-or-treating last night. Every house I called at slammed the door back in my face.
Maybe going as a Jehovah's Witness wasn't the best idea.
An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. "Hey, how much you charge for the hour, sister?" he asks.
"£100," she replies.
In broken English he says "Do you do Immigrant Style?"
"No,"she says.
"I pay you £200 to do Immigrant Style."
"No'," she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.
"I pay you £300."
"No," she says.
'"I pay you £400."
"No," she says.
So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style.'
She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Immigrant Style be?''. So she agrees and has sex with him. They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting, but that was good. So what exactly is 'Immigrant Style'?"
The illegal immigrant replies "You send bill to Government."
All this crap about preventing Global Warming is getting on my nerves. Surely with the price of Gas and Electricity, Global Warming is the way forward?
What do you do if a bird ****s on your car bonnet?
Don't ask her out again.
What's the difference between anxiety and panic?
-Anxiety is the first time a man can't get it up for a second time.
-Panic is the second time a man can't get it up for a first time.
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A man comes home to find his wife in bed with another man.
'What's going on here?!' he screams.
His wife then says to her lover, 'See, I told you he was stupid.'
Bob and Jim were a couple of Geordie drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Newcastle.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bob said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Bob wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings... It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Bob says, 'I feel great. How about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Bob says, 'No, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'
Jim says, 'Yeah, well there's just one thing... Have you farted yet?'
Bob says, 'No.....'
'Well,' Jim says, 'DON'T! I'm in Cornwall!
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If this one is too crude, let me know and I'll delete. :)
A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new facelift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee..."
The Morning after the Office Leaving Party
Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending one of his office
colleagues Leaving Party.
He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is
it? Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.
As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache,
his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.
He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple
of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,
a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.
He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of
drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and
all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting
gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good
sign, but no memories were returning.
As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it
note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little
hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.
'I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is
in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the
morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope
your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you,
darling! Love, Jillian. x '
He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son was sitting at the
table, eating.
Jack, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.
' Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and
got that black eye when you ran into the door. '
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order,
aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?'
His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you slapper,
I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table £250
Hot Breakfast £3.50
Two Aspirins 20p
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS
aaaaw how sweet :)
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, thenjumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy,"Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
The bartender screams "He just atethe cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything insight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for thecue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill,pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the baragain, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.Then the monkey finds a peanut, and againsticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surpriseme," replied the guy."He still eats everything in sight,but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted
her foot and stomped them flat.
'Well, we're not having any of that poofter ****e in our garden' she said.
THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, cycling, played a lot of sport, drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't
seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'
Bartender, 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
Pirate, 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball,
but I'm fine now.'
Bartender, 'Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'
Pirate, 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a
sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine,
really.'
'Bartender 'What about that eye patch?'
Pirate, 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I
looked up and one of them pooped in my eye.'
'You're kidding,' said the bartender, 'you lost an eye just from bird poo.'
Pirate, 'No, it was my first day with the hook.'
_______________________________________________
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to blast them out!
Then one Thanks giving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband awaken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, ''Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.''
''What do you mean?'' asked his wife.
''Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
'But by the Grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.''
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A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'
Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, ' Skippy, get away from her, before she ****s on you!'
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town to do some shopping. We were only in the store for about 15 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi cockjockey. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a sh!t eating donkey rapist. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care.
We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age. :D
I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob...'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice..
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy
isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said. 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie
that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
_________________________________________
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are
only 3 Survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.
They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple
of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely
horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she
killed herself.
It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and,after
a while, nature once more took its inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel
absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So they buried Deirdre.
http://web.mit.edu/mna/Public/find_x_lol.jpg
Always makes me lol big time.
My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.
Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?"
What's got 4 legs and goes shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Rod Hulls telly.
Too soon?
It came from a FHM magazine joke book. :D
Still:
What weighs 8lbs and wont be plucked this Christmas?
John Denvers guitar.
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."
Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A. Wiped his arse.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse? A. The one with the dirty knees.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist? A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A. Ask your mother.
Q: What do you call a gay Dinosaur? A: A Megasauras
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms! " "No matter, " said the man, "Observe! " He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man? " "I don't know his name, " the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell. "
(but wait, there's more. . . ) The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty. " The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? ", the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man? " "I don't know his name, "sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother. "
This guy rushes home and bursts in the door and says to his wife "Pack your bags sweetheart I've just won the lottery all six numbers" "Thats wonderful" she said, "Shall I pack for the beach or the mountains"
He replied "I don't care. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . just f#@k off!"
What has 8 balls and likes to screw old ladies?
Bingo!
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Thoughts for the weekend
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
A family of moles were marching through their tunnels, nose to
tail, with daddy mole at the front followed by mummy mole, daughter mole
and little baby mole. Suddenly baby mole shouts "I can smell treacle" so
they go on to the next wide point of the tunnel, all shuffle past each
other and start off in the opposite direction.
After another 100 metres, baby mole shouts "I can smell
treacle" again so they all carry on to the next wide point and the whole
changing directions procedure takes place again. This happens twice more
and on the 5th occasion, daddy mole comes back and gives baby mole a hell
of a clout. "What was that for dad?" he asked.
Daddy mole said "You silly bugger. That wasn't treacle you
could smell, it was mole asses".
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.
The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have started". So I looked round the house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished ... and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, bottle of white wine, the Baileys, three Bacardi Breezers, the Jack Daniels and Absinthe, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolate mini rolls.
You have no idea how good I feel!
But that map is wrongeded. :D
Africa should be where South America is, and everything shifted over to the left with it until its in the correct place. That is how God intended.
http://www.freeimagehosting.net/uploads/39eef508e9.gif
Yer map's wrong, Stew...
Australia ain't incontinent.
Tis.
Meh... it's an USAian site, so it would be that way.
And the continent is Australasia, so your one is wrongeded too :)
Dude, the map aint wrong. Australia and the bits around it are purple, if you look closely.
Okay then... wrong terminology, even if the anatomy is right ;)
And anyway it's not my map, it's something I linked to on Wikiikikikikipedia. :D
Not my map neither, linked from xkcd :D
xkcd > wikipedia ;)
But Uncyclopedia > XKCD
http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/un...ew_Zealand.JPG
http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Australia
Orite, im gna post a joke :P It might not be funny for most, but it had me laughing :P
A new sales man joined a mall and soon made huge sales and got the attention of the owner, the owner decided to go pay that young lad a personal visit and see what was it all about, so he went to his mall, he saw the young lad dealing a customer, selling a fishing rod apparently, so the owner decided to stop and watch...
Salesman: Sir I hope you enjoy your fishing trip, and i hope you do have everything you need!
Customer: Thank you very much, I think this rod will do the job fine!
S: Sir you do have rubber boots dont you? otherwise the water would quite certainly ruin your shoes!
C: Oh! I didnt think of that, good idea, ill take the shoes too!
S: Sir, good choice, but I must say you'll need a hat too, you dont want to be standing in the sun all day without protection now do you?
C: Oh yeah, right, I guess ill need the hat too!
S: Sir, where do you plan to keep the big catch? surely you do have a basket for fishing, or would you like me to advise one?
C: Ah..yeah, I think i need a basket too then..
S: Looks about right sir, you have all you need, oh, by the way, you'r going to be waiting a long time for the catch, would you like me to pack a few snacks for you? we have a great selection here!
C: ah yeah, that sounds nice!
S: looks like you've got it all now Sir, that will be 1,199.
The customer pays and leaves with all his gear etc
The owner, very impressed comes up to the lad and congratulates him, "WOW, that was impressive, the guy came to buy a fishing rod and you sold him alot more!" The salesman laughs, " No sir, actually he came to buy Stay-free ultra thin pads for his wife, I just told him, Hey, what you gonna do at home for 4,5 days? take a fishing trip :P"
Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.”
The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I want sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon… You got nice house.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
‘Not yet momma,’ said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
‘How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?’ he asks.
‘Well,’ his mother says, ‘I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.’
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: ‘Are you going to tell him, or should I?
I got home tonight to discover thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.
Dirty Bastards.
====
Paddy is being interviewed for a job in the Metropolitan Police Department,
"Paddy....you are undercover....it's the middle of the night....your cover is blown and you're being chased by a car full of terrorists at 80 mph.....what should you do?"
"Uhhh......90 mph" said Paddy.
====
I really hate the way women moan about the pain of childbirth.
They should try waiting nine months for a shag.
====
Once upon a midnight dreary, while i porn surfed, weak and weary,
over many a strange and spurious site of ' hot xxx galore'.
While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning,
and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour,
" 'Tis not possible!", i muttered, " give me back my free hardcore!"
..... quoth the server, 404.
====
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father."
"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree."
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out of here."
This will stop you wanting to go swimming in the sea...
When a male whale ejaculates up to 40 gallons of sperm is released. Yet only 10% make it into the female whale.
And you wondered why the sea tasted so salty
Whats the difference between a tyre and 365 condoms.
Ones a good year and the others a flipping good year!
:)
lol!! great jokes guys!
TAKTAK fails at capitals in my name :(
And matty... well... erm... shh :P
mebbeh not... :D
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...ionOceania.png
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/OceaniaQuote:
Oceania (sometimes Oceanica) is a geographical, often geopolitical, region consisting of numerous lands—mostly islands in the Pacific Ocean and vicinity. The term "Oceania" was coined in 1831 by French explorer Dumont d'Urville. The term is used today in many languages to define one of the continents
Lets just say that the big lump of land in the bottom right of the world, is Australia, Australasia, or Oceania.
Any other possible names?
Or Mark.
Lets call it Mark.
but Igor sounds like a much rounder name that would be be-fitting for such a multi-synonymmededed place:(
edit: BORIS!!! it should be Boris!! everybody loves Boris :)
http://easyweb.easynet.co.uk/~bspoon...geye/boris.jpg
It is easy enough a mistake to make... if you've never been to school, never seen a map, never watched a weather forcast, never spoke to anyone about it, never read anything, seen anything, watched anything, or looked at anything.
Given all that - yep, easy mistake to make. :)
JOKES!
From 8 Out Of 10 Cats last night:
An exam board has removed a Gary Glitter song from its GCSE Music paper. You don't want Gary Glitter to be associated with the words 'shh', 'turn over', 'you've got an hour'.
I think dirty jokes are allowed, right? I remember reading the nun, father, breasts penis joke on the previous page :P
---
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
----
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"**** me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
---
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
---
How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
just had to post this one :P
This one's really offensive, so if you are easily offended, or offended at all, don't read it.
Nope: not having that.
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'
Mummy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the hell up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
Ok. Sorry.Quote:
Originally Posted by Nick
http://people.msoe.edu/~gormand/cani...derbackot3.gif
not really a joke, but it rocks :D