The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

[sleepyhead]

[pauldarkside]

lol I guess it's their version of using handcuffs

[sammyc]

how dare 'e

[Behemoth]

Man and woman decide they want to get a female pig, so they go to the pig auctions and buy one. They decided some weeks later that they want to hear the sounds of pigglets running round in their field.

So they contact their good friend farmer giles, who says to bring their pig over and he will mate it with his orize male. So they load her up in a wheel barrow and take her over.

The pigs do the business and farmer Giles says

"You'll know if it's work in the morning, if she's rolling in the mud it's worked, but if she's eating the grass, bring her back"

So they take the pig home.

The next morning

"Well, whats she doing?" Says the wife

The husband look out into the field and see's she's eating the grass

"We;ll have to take her back" He replied "She's eating the grass"

This continues for some five days, so on the sixth day.

"Well, he must have done the trick now by now" says the wife

"I dare not look out the window, but ok" The husband walks to the window and looks at the pig "Well I'll be jiggered" He shouts

"Is she rolling in the mud ?" Quizzes the wife

"No" He replies sadly "She's sat in the wheel barrow waiting to go back"

[Brucelles]

I was on my way home last Friday, after a really rough night. An ex-colleague’s leaving do paid for by the Bank, so the booze ran free and the food was excellent, but that’s irrelevant, or might not be. Anyway, I was passing through St. Leticia’s Grove and suddenly felt the urge for a dump.

There’s nothing around but houses with front lawns all lit by streetlights, but I was desperate, so I found a garden with a rhododendron hedge and squatted the other side of it and crimped off a length of chocolate rope.

Then I had nothing to wipe on. I checked my pockets for paper, but apart from a few large denomination notes, there was nothing. I hopped about and eventually found a handful of leaves and used that. It was not a good experience, but it worked 95%.

Eventually I pulled up my trousers and turned around to the lawn and WTF?!!? My turd was gone.

It was a brightly lit street, a smooth, smooth lawn and a full moon to boot so I could not have missed it. I was a bit pissed, so I sniffed one of the handful of leaves and sure enough it was redolent of the great stench of brute. So I had definitely done one, but where was it? I ruled out turd-nappers and invisible coprophages and was left with nothing.

Oh well. I gave up and went home.

The next day I was walking to work along St. Leticia’s Grove and thought I would have a butchers in daylight. So I climbed the low wall and looked at the lawn; as smooth and unmarked as the surface of the Marmite in a brand-new jar. I crouched down and peered under the bushes and again saw nothing. As I stood up I heard a voice behind me “What the hell are you up to you bastard?”

Thinking quickly I replied “Sorry mate, I dropped a £20 note and the wind blew it over your hedge. I was just looking for it.”

“OK. That’s alright. Sorry if I was a bit aggressive. It’s just that there are some sick bastards around here. You wouldn’t believe it but some twisted sicko took a dump on my tortoise last night”

[gtech]

I call my Grandad Spiderman!



Not because he's got super powers,




Because he has trouble getting out of the bath.

[Whiternoise]

Lady in labour, shouting the usual nonsense, "Get this out of me, give me the drugs" She turns to her boyfriend and says "You did this to me you ******" He replies casually "If you remember, I wanted to stick it somewhere else but you said f off it'll be too painful"

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a ****."

If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape... or shoplifting?

[hOtTiGeR]

Zak Edit

Hottiger walks into a bar and tells a very offensive joke.
The bar tender goes red around the ears, deletes his post, and pm's him to ask him to pls be less rude and offensive

[sleepyhead]

At the end of a tiny, deserted bar in Liverpool is a huge Scouse bloke, 2 metres tall and 150 kilos with muscles in his breath.

He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously homosexual man walks in and sits beside him.

After three or four beers the gay bloke finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Scouser.

Leaning over towards the Scouser he whispers, 'Do you want a b''w job?'

At this, the massive Scouser leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool.

He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park, then returns to his seat at the bar.

Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer.

'I've never seen you react like that', he says. 'Just what did he say to you?'



'I'm not sure', the big Scouser replies, 'something about a job....'

[finlay666]

What's the difference between an prostitute and a washing machine?

A washing machine doesn't spit your load out

[Whiternoise]

A man walks into a petrol station and says

"Can I please have a kitkat chunky".

The lady behind the till gets him a kitkat chunky and brings it back to him.

"No" says the man. "I wanted a normal kitkat you fat *****"

--

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

[sleepyhead]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.



If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.



One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,' she said, 'you
received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.



On the card was written:











'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.



Three with meatballs, two without.



'Send extra sauce.'

[sleepyhead]

A video this time!

[Behemoth]

Very good sleepyhead

Did you know that half the UK's population of old people have aids ?







Hearing aids, walking aids, financial aids.

[sleepyhead]

29 LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I have a degree in Liberal Arts; do you want fries with that?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original 'point and click interface' was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

[Blitzen]

Hottiger...look/

Reported post and hopefully you will get banned. This is the second time you seem to think being disabled is funny in only 20 (pointless) posts.
If you think that kind of thing is funny then you are a disturbed little person.