The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

[JK Ferret]

And now for the ever-lovely Samantha :

Samantha has to nip off now to do her food shopping. Although she's always been a fan of Mr. Dewhurst's Beef-In-Guiness, she can't wait to have Mr Dewhurst's Tongue-In-Cider (say it out loud...)
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Samantha is off to meet her driving tutor now, who has been giving her lessons. Unfortunately, she's not all that good, and she's alreading scratched the paintwork and gotten a few dents in it that they need to repair, so while she gets stripping, he'll be knocking one out.
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Samantha has just gone out to help her new gentleman friend, who is having trouble with his computer. She is something of an IT whizz, and says she is looking forwards to fixing his desktop, to prevent it crashing and going down on him every two hours.

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Now, a couple of other jokes from Humphrey Littleton throughout some of the airings I've heard:

It's quite amazing how things have changed since the introduction of television. I recall, back in the early '50s, looking at this strange wooden box in the corner, peering at a fuzzy grey face by way of an evening's entertainment. But then, TV arrived, so we put the lid back on Granny's coffin and carried her back down to the cemetary.
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My grandfather was always intrigued by the superstition that breaking a mirror brings you 7 years bad luck. So much so, that yesterday he broke 4 to guarantee he would live to 114 years old.
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The '70s were much simpler times, long before the age of the hoodie and the ASBO. These days, it's even neccessary to send grumpy Grannies to prison. I noticed that the 85-year-old who was put away, successfully appealed against her sentence, and had it reduced from 6 months to life.
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Lionel Blair has had to resort to pantomimes in his old age, but he is becoming increasingly difficult to work with due to his mood swings. In a recent production of Snow white, they said one minute he was feeling happy, and the next he had come all over grumpy.

[Whiternoise]

And now for the ever-lovely Samantha :

Samantha has to nip off now to do her food shopping. Although she's always been a fan of Mr. Dewhurst's Beef-In-Guiness, she can't wait to have Mr Dewhurst's Tongue-In-Cider (say it out loud...)
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Samantha is off to meet her driving tutor now, who has been giving her lessons. Unfortunately, she's not all that good, and she's alreading scratched the paintwork and gotten a few dents in it that they need to repair, so while she gets stripping, he'll be knocking one out.
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Samantha has just gone out to help her new gentleman friend, who is having trouble with his computer. She is something of an IT whizz, and says she is looking forwards to fixing his desktop, to prevent it crashing and going down on him every two hours.

Samantha's off to meet her old gentlemen friend who likes to help her with the gardening. She likes to prune her bush whilst he watches her beaver away up the ladder.

[Andy3536]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts.
When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't you eat the peanuts?"
"We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied.

"We just love the chocolate around them."






A landlord is behind the bar when in walks a businessman. “What’ll you have?” asks the publican. “A scotch, please,” says the businessman. The bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That’ll be two quid.” “What are you talking about?” says the man, angry. “I don’t owe you anything.” A nearby lawyer turns to the bartender. “You know, he’s got you there,” he says. “In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.” The bartender’s not impressed, but relents as he turns to the first man. “OK, you got yourself a free drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.” The next day, the same businessman walks into the bar – and the landlord is furious. “Get out! I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!” “What’re you talking about?” says the man. “I’ve never been in this place in my life.” The barman is suddenly embarrassed. “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.” The businessman grins at him. “Cheers! Make it a scotch.”




Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are making a
movie about the lives of the great composers.
Stallone says "I want to be Mozart."
Schwarzenegger says: "In that case... I'll be Bach."






Did you know its now illegal to wear the clothes on the wrong part of the body?

Yes, I know cause Gary Glitter got arrested for putting a Thai on his






The japanese have invented a camera that's so fast, it can photograph a woman with her mouth shut........................





A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

[Powderhound]

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.

They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

I LOLed repeatedly while reading that.

[sleepyhead]

IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVISORY FOR WOMEN

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?


If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about White Wine.

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of
your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing
to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately and with
a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent
you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start
living, with White Wine. White Wine may not be right for everyone.
Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine. However,
women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to
try it.


Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration,
erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of
money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing,
headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and
play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked
Twister.

WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NOW JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD ACHIEVE WITH RED WINE!!!

[Rob_B]

Why did the baker have smelly hands?


because he kneaded a poo.

x

Heard that before but just had to stifle the giggles in the middle of the office!

[Andy3536]

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

[chuckskull]

That's brilliant

[shadowmaster]

A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."

[Brucelles]

Ever notice how the phrase 'lickety-split' is no longer popular? You never hear a sports commentator describe anyone, especially a woman as 'going lickety-split'. Why not I wonder?

[Poot1873]

A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the manager.

She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.


Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £17.41.

The manager says, 'Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but we are a little puzz led.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionairess.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?'

The blonde replies...'Where else in central London can I park my car for two weeks for only £17.41

and expect it to be there when I return?'

[JK Ferret]

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little maths that might prove helpful.

If:

A  B  C  D  E  F  G  H  I  J  K  L  M  N  O  P  Q  R  S  T  U  V  W  X  Y  Z

is represented as:

1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

then:

H  A  R  D  W  O  R  K
8  1  18 4  23 15 18 11 = 98%

K  N  O  W  L  E  D  G  E
11 14 15 23 12 5  4  7  5 = 96%

but:

A  T  T  I  T  U  D  E
1  20 20 9  20 21 4  5 = 100%

and:

B  U  L  L  S  H  I  T
2  21 12 12 19 8  9  20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bull**** will put you over the top.

And look how far this will take you...

A  R  S  E  K  I  S  S  I  N  G
1  18 19 5  11 9  19 19 9  14 7 = 122%

Think about it... and have a nice day at work...



(Sorry about that escaping the filter... I put it like that so it lined up nicely, also the reason for code tags)

[JK Ferret]

Who is Jack Schitt you ask?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt."

Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep 'N' Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a secondary school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her children were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper told of the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

[Whiternoise]

LOL and you apologise for the first post

[JK Ferret]

LOL and you apologise for the first post

Good point But there's really no escaping it in the second

[finlay666]

just did a quick search and it wasn't on here yet so........

What is brown and rhymes with Snoop?


Dr Dre