The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

[Stringent]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[Whiternoise]

I met this really kinky girl.
"Humiliate me " she said.
I bought her a Tottenham shirt.



Prince Phillip and the Queen were dining in one of London's top restaurants.
The waiter comes over and asks what Phillip would like to order.
" I'll have two rare steaks my good fellow "
Waiter, " does sir mean two bloody steaks "
Phillip, " yes quite right old chap 2 bloody steaks "
Queen, " and plenty of ****ing chips "



I was watching on the news that Iceland is in economic turmoil.
That's what happens when Kerry Katona does your advertising.



I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, “How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?”

I asked him, “Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to get with your wife and daughter?”

“Bloody hell! No!” he said, somewhat flabbergasted.

“Well, neither would Pete,” I added.

[sleepyhead]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed, "she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

[Tumble]

How you turn a duck into a successful soul singer?



















bung it in the microwave on full power unitl it's bill withers.....

[Powderhound]

What's the difference between a cool indie guitarist and a jazz guitarist?






A cool indie guitarist plays three chords in front of thousands of people... You can work out the rest yourselves.

[JK Ferret]

What's the difference between a cool indie guitarist and a jazz guitarist?

A cool indie guitarist plays three chords in front of thousands of people... You can work out the rest yourselves.

word

[Poot1873]

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

The engaged20woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''

[0iD]

American Laws (Apologies if repost and/or completely inaccurate)

These are real standing laws from around the United States of America.

Alabama:
1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

California:
1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

Connecticut:
1.You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.

Florida:
1.Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
2.A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
3.If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
4.It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
5.Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

Illinois:
1.It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.

Indiana:
1.Bathing is prohibited during the winter.
2.Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theatre nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.

Iowa:
1.Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.

Kentucky:
1.By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
2.It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

Louisiana:
1.It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
2.Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."

Massachusetts:
1.Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
2.Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.

[0iD]

Friday's in Hell!

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil ...



Satan: 'Why so glum?'
Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'
Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'
Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'
Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'
Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'
Satan: 'You a smoker?'
Guy: 'You better believe it'
Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'
Guy: 'Wow ... that's awesome!'
Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'
Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'
Guy: 'Cool!'
Satan: 'What about drugs?'
Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean ...?'
Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'
Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'
Satan: 'You gay?'
Guy: 'No...'
Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough ...

[Stringent]

Does anyone know the logic (if any) behind some of those laws? Me being bored am a little interested!

[Salazaar]

Does anyone know the logic (if any) behind some of those laws? Me being bored am a little interested!

I suspect that some of them aren't laws as such but prescident set by judicial rulings... i.e. I can't imagine that anyone actually set a law or ordinance that enforced elephant parking but a judge may have ruled on such an incident.

[sleepyhead]

STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me.
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
And I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
When he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking
And running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit..... Third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this Story? ..

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery

Always overcome youth and arrogance!


_____________________________________________________________________________________


Sad News

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting too much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky in his younger years, he grew to be a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.

[sleepyhead]

The credit crunch hit our offices hard.

[finlay666]

The credit crunch hit our offices hard.

http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k2...s/image001.jpg

http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k2...s/image002.jpg

http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k2...s/image003.jpg

http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k2...s/image004.jpg

http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k2...s/image005.jpg

http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k2...s/image006.jpg

Already gone one better at work myself, we built a chapel

[sleepyhead]

Talk about blowing one's own trumpet...

Just kidding.

Those pictures aren't even of our offices; just on an amusing email that went round.

[JK Ferret]

Already gone one better at work myself, we built a chapel

Now I know for DEFINITE that one is a repost