The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

[Brucelles]

This one's really offensive, so if you are easily offended, or offended at all, don't read it.


Nope: not having that.

[sleepyhead]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'



Mummy fainted!











Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the hell up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

[Brucelles]

Nope: not having that.

Ok. Sorry.

[SmileyUK]

http://people.msoe.edu/~gormand/cani...derbackot3.gif

not really a joke, but it rocks

[staffsMike]

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the hell up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

and the spider email was great

[sleepyhead]

Essex to English translations

ASSA COMMONS - Our Parliament Building.

ART ATTACK - Extremely perturbed, as in "Don't tell Sharon, She'll have an art attack."

ARST - Past tense of ask. "Jordan, I must've arst ya free fazzund times to clear up yer room."

BANNSA - A person employed to deny access or eject troublemakers at a club. "Dave's got izself a job as a bannsa."

BANTY - A chocolate and coconut snack bar.

BAVE - To wash oneself.

BOAF - The two. "Oi Dave, ooja fancy most, Sharon or Tracy?" "Boaf" is the reply.

BRANSATCH - Motor racing circuit in Kent.

CANCEL - Administrative body of a town. "Darren, wive ad annuvva letter from the cancel."

CANTAFIT - Fake, as in money.

CHOONA - An edible fish purchased in a tin and usually prepared with mayonnaise.

CORT A PANDA - A big hamburger (smaller than an arf panda)

DAN TO URF - Sensible, practical.

DANNING STREET - Where the Prime Minister lives.

DANSTEZ - On the ground floor , where the biggest telly is.

DREKKUN - Do you consider? as in "Which dog drekkun'll win the next race?"

EFTY - Considerable. "Ere, Trace, this credit card bill's a bit efty."

EJOG - A small, spiky animal (hedgehog).

ERZ - Belonging to her.

EVVY - A big geezer who protects a smaller and more intelligent geezer, usually for money. "My name's Frank and this is my evvy, Knuckles."

EYEBROW - Cultured, intellectual.

FANTIN - A jet of water for drinking or ornament.

FARVA - A posh way of saying Dad.

FATCHA - Margaret, British Prime Minister 1979 - 1990.

FINGY - A person or object whose name doesn't come to mind. "I ad it off wiv fingy last night."

FONG - Skimpy undergarment.

FOR CRYIN AT LAAD - Mild expletive showing annoyance or surprise. E.G."For cryin at lad, Britney, if I say Yes will you give it a rest?"

GAWON - Go on. "Gawon Darren, eat ya granny's cabbage, it'll do yer good."

GIVE IT LARGE - To be thorough or enthusiastic.

GRAND - A football stadium. "It all wennoff atside the pub near the grand."

HAITCH - Letter of the alphabet between G and I.

IBEEFA - The Spanish holiday island.

IFFY - Dubious. "Ere, Trace, I fink this bread pudding you made last munf's a bit iffy."

INT - Indirect suggestion. " I gave Darren a sort of int that it was time to wash iz feet."

IPS - An unknown area of a woman's body to which chocolate travels."That Mars Bar will go straight to me ips."

JA - Do you, did you. "Ja like me new airdo, Sharon."

JACKS - Five Pound note. "Lend us a jacks, wilya?"

JAFTA - Is it really necessary? "Oi mate, jafta keep doing that?"

KAF - Eating house open during the day.

KAFFY - A girl's name.

LAD - Noisy. "Jordan, turn that music dan, it's too lad."

LARJ - Enjoying oneself.

LEVVA - Material made from the skin of an animal.

LOTREE - Costs £1 for a ticket.

MA BLARCH - An arch near Hyde Park.

MAFFS - The study of numbers.

MANOR - Local area.

MINGER - An unattractive person (usually woman).

NARRA - Lacking breadth, with little margin. "Mum wannid to come rand but changed er mind. That was a narra escape."

NARTAMEAN - Do you know what I mean? (sometimes used as janartamean).

NEEVA - Not one nor the other.

NES - National Elf Service.

OAF - A solemn declaration of truth or committment.

OLLADAY - Time taken away from home for rest and adventure.

ONNIST - Fair and just, without a lie. "I never did it, onnist."

OPPIT - Go away , as in "Oi you, oppit."

PADDA PUFF - Soft, lacking aggression. "They're alright up front but they got a padda puff defence."

PACIFIC - Specific.

PAFFUL - Having much power or strength.

PAIPA - Sun, Mirror etc.

PANS AN ANNSIS - Imperial weight system.

PLAMMANS - A pub lunch usually made up of cheese and bread.

QUALIDEE - Good, as in "West 'Am's new striker's qualidee."

RAND - A number of drinks purchased for a group.

RANDEER - Locally. "There ain't much call for it randeer."

REBAND - Period of recovery after rejection by a lover. "I couldn't 'elp it.
I was on the reband from Craig."

ROOFLESS - Without compassion.

SAFF - A direction of the compass, opposite north.

SAFFEND - An Essex seaside town.

SAWTED - Done, arranged, resolved.

SEEVIN - Very angry. "I woz seevin when I urd wot 'e sed."

TALENT - Attractive members of the opposite sex. "Dave's gan dan tan to eye up the talent."

TAN ASS - A modern terraced house.

TOP EVVY - A woman of plentiful bosom. "Ere look at that, Darren, she's well top evvy."

UG - An unattractive person. "Sharon's new geezer's a bit of an ug."

UMP - Upset, as in Got the Ump.

VACHER - A document which can be exchanged for goods or services. "I got a vacher to get in cheap at Forp Park."

WANNED UP - Tense. "I'm all wanned up at the moment."

WAWAZUT? - I beg your pardon.

WENNOFF - A fight commenced as in "It all wennoff".

YAFTA - You must : "Even if yer guilty, yafta av mitigating circumstances."

YOOF OSTALL - A place where holidaymakers can stay the night.

ZAGGERATE - To suggest something is better or bigger than is true."Craig, I must've told ya a fazzund times already." "Don't zaggerate, mum."

[Hunain]

this is not an official joke, just a post i read on another forum:

Once, a girl I knew had a one night stand with a guy... he left early the next morning, and invited her to let herself out of his apartment at her leisure. She woke up, and decided to use the bathroom then leave. Number two -- and she plugged the toilet up like nobody's business. Horrified and unable to find a plunger, she did the one thing she thought would work: scoop out the pooh with a spoon and put it in a Ziplock bag that she would take with her and dispose of later. She then wrote a note, expressing that she had a good time, and left her phone number. As she walked outside, upon hearing the door lock shut behind her, she realized with horror she had forgotten the bag of pooh on the guy's dining room table, next to her note. Needless to say, she was never called.

[this_is_gav]

Oh God. What did she do with the spoon?!

[Nick]

this is not an official joke, just a post i read on another forum:

Once, a girl I knew had a one night stand with a guy... he left early the next morning, and invited her to let herself out of his apartment at her leisure. She woke up, and decided to use the bathroom then leave. Number two -- and she plugged the toilet up like nobody's business. Horrified and unable to find a plunger, she did the one thing she thought would work: scoop out the pooh with a spoon and put it in a Ziplock bag that she would take with her and dispose of later. She then wrote a note, expressing that she had a good time, and left her phone number. As she walked outside, upon hearing the door lock shut behind her, she realized with horror she had forgotten the bag of pooh on the guy's dining room table, next to her note. Needless to say, she was never called.

That's an American advert for a super secure door lock... saw it on Tarrant on TV a while back..

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=cfnbYfN9_VA

Still funny though!

[Aden]

Lolla at the Essex -> English Translations

[Stewart]

<copy>

<paste>


Thanks plz...

[shadowmaster]

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f****** fence wasn't electrified."

[Whiternoise]

I did some stand up at an old peoples home last week. Tough crowd.

They wouldn't even answer my knock knock jokes until I showed them some ID.

===


I recently broke up with my girlfriend and i was quite upset.

My friend said, "Don't worry mate, there's plenty more fish in the sea."

I replied, "Yeah, but its not just the smell I miss."

[Stewart]

I did some stand up at an old peoples home last week. Tough crowd.

They wouldn't even answer my knock knock jokes until I showed them some ID.

Probably the first funny thing in the thread!

Well done Sir.

[0iD]

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
____________________________________

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
_____________________________

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
____________________________________

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
___________________________________

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
______________________________

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
____________________________________

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
________________________________

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
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Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
_________________________________

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
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Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
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Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
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Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
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How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
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When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
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Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
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In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
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How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
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And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

[0iD]

To My Dear Wife.....



During the past year as in other years, I have tried to seduce you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times. This is an average of once every 10 days. the following is a list of your excuses why I did not succeed more often;

" it's to hot" 22 times
"I'm to tired" 152 times
"it's to early" 25 times
"it's to late" 13 times
"pretending to be asleep" 19 times
"wrong time of month" 12 times
"you had to go to toilet" 32 times

During the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not entirely satisfactory because 6 times you told me to hurry up and get on with it, 23 times you just lay there and 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you it was over. once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move and once you mentioned the crack in the celling.

Darling is it any wonder I have taken to drink.......?

Your loving husband.







To my dear Husband,



In answer to your letter just received, it seems to me you have got things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you don't get more nibbles than you do;

"you came home blitzed" 122 times
"you didn't come home at all" 29 times
"you didn't come........." 14 times
"went soft before you got it in" 18 times
"working late" 49 times
"in a fight and got kicked in the nadgers" 2 times
"brewers droop" 95 times

Of the times we did get together, the reason I lay still was because you farted and I was trying to breath. By the way I never mentioned the crack on the celling. in fact what I actually said was "Do you want me on my back or kneeling!"

However, 6 months ago, I phoned alcoholics anonymous for help and their nice representative has been seeing me most afternoons.



your very happy wife.