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Thread: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

  1. #913
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    10 MILES

    He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

    Soon he sees another sign which reads:

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    5 MILES

    Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    NEXT RIGHT

    His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

    He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

    He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

    'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

    He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

    He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

    The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:




    GO IN PEACE.
    YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
    SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife.

    The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.


    This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.


    "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet like this," was the shop owner's reply. Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..


    The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot.

    Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with "Silent Night, Holy Night..."


    The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"


    "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."


    So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came, "Silent Night. Holy Night..."


    The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife.


    So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life)





    "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey, lady! Man, are you ever ugly! " Furious, the lady stormed past the store to work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey, lady! Man, are you ever ugly! "

    She was even more ticked off now.

    The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey, lady! Man, are you ever ugly. " The lady was so incensed that she went into the store and threatened to sue the store to rid herself of the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

    When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey, lady! " She paused and said, "Yes? "

    The bird said, "You know.... "



    What is a Cat?

    1. Cats do what they want.
    2. They rarely listen to you.
    3. They're totally unpredictable.
    4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
    5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
    6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
    7. They're moody.
    8. They leave hair everywhere.

    CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

    What is a Dog?

    1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
    2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
    3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
    4. They growl when they are not happy.
    5. When you want to play, they want to play.
    6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
    7. They leave their toys everywhere.
    8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
    9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

    CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats




    Certified cut&paste free hand typed goodness.
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

  4. #916
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with "T. " Examples of those days are: Tuesday Thursday Thanksgiving Today Tomorrow Thaturday and Thunday! "Why Men Get Out Of Bed" A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night. . . ~ 5% said it was to get a glass of water. . . ~ 12% said it was to go to the toilet. . . ~ 83% said it was to go home.

    Blonde & Brunette friends are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again. . . . . for no reason. " The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers? " The brunette says, "Oh sure. . . . . but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air. " The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase? "

    After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer, " she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband? " he inquired nervously. "No, silly, " she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then? " he asked. "No, not at all, " she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then? " demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation. "

    The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do? Oh- I know. " He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "what are you doing in here? ! ? " She said, Shhhh! , " pointing at the bed, "you'll wake your mother! "


    Certified cut&paste free hand typed goodness.
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Wow, I remember lurking in this thread months and months ago. Can't believe it's still going strong haha.

    Some amazing jokes in here.

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO HAS HAD ENOUGH. . .

    If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

    Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.

    If you won't/don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

    Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

    Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

    If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

    Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

    Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

    Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

    Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.

    When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

    You have enough clothes.

    You have too many shoes.

    Crying is blackmail.

    Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!

    No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries, birthdays and other events you want us to remember on the calendar. That increases the chance we'll remember by 50%.

    Most guys own three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

    Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

    Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

    Check your oil.

    It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

    No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

    Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

    If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

    Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

    You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.

    Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

    If it itches, it will be scratched.

    Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

    If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing, " we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

    Yes I cut & pasted it, my bad
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    There was this old married couple who had been happily married for 40 years! The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of loudly farting every morning as he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

    Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off as it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a Doctor as she was concerned that one day he was going to fart his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

    Then on christmas morning as she was downstairs preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had just put the turkey innards and neck, gizzards, liver and all the spareparts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her hubby was sound asleep and gently pulling back the bed covers she slid down his underpants at the back and emptied the bowl of turkeyguts into them.

    Several hours later she heard her husband waken with his usual arise ripping Trumpeting and this was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran to the bathroom.

    The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing with tears in her eyes. After years of torture she reckoned she had got her own back.

    About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right.

    All those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you. " "What do you mean, " asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out and today it finally happened.

    But . . . by the grace of God, some Vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in. "

    Cut & paste frenzy!
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    To get MOAR THANKS.



    I'm here all week.

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  12. #921
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Stewart View Post
    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    To get MOAR THANKS.



    I'm here all week.
    No. ok. Just no.

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Cut & Paste Thread

    Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says " - get out! We don't want your type in here"

    A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you_ but don't start anything"

    A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

    Dyslexic man walks into a bra

    A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road. "

    I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

    Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind, drove a tractor and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

    A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw. "

    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    I don't know why but I laughed at all of those jokes...hard haha.

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Larry decided one day to test the royal mail services, and send pun letters to ten of his friends. He wrote them all out, sent them, and waited for a week before asking his friends if they'd got it. No pun in ten did.


    DISCLAIMER - This joke was made in response to 0iD's. Blame him
    Last edited by JK Ferret; 23-11-2008 at 01:24 AM.

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    From Jimmy Carr:

    Cheerleading accounts for 84% of all American High School injuries. "I'm sorry, I seem to have broken your hymen."

    Too dodgy?

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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

    The Russians used a pencil.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Two Goldfish in a tank.

    One says to the other "How the Hell do you drive this thing?"

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Sure Fire Ways To Know You Are A Woman

    1. Whine

    2. When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no. Then get mad when you are believed.

    3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.

    4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

    5. Whine.

    6. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it's because he is lazy.

    7. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

    8. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

    9. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required gifts proving his love.

    10. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress of your life.

    11. Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend must be labeled a whore and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.

    12. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

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  22. #927
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    Re: mondays cut&paste masterpiece

    FINALLY, THE 6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

    Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?

    A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.


    Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

    A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'


    Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

    A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it Good year.


    Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

    A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.


    Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?

    A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...


    Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT?

    A : Running into a wall with an hard-on and breaking his nose.
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

  23. #928
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    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Those jokes were a CUT above the usual quality mate, I have a smile PASTEd all over my face now.


  24. Received thanks from:

    0iD (24-11-2008)

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