Page 66 of 78 FirstFirst ... 16263646566364656667686976 ... LastLast
Results 1,041 to 1,056 of 1247

Thread: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

  1. #1041
    DILLIGAF GoNz0's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Derby
    Posts
    10,872
    Thanks
    632
    Thanked
    1,192 times in 945 posts
    • GoNz0's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Asus Rampage V Extreme
      • CPU:
      • i7 something X99 based
      • Memory:
      • 16gb GSkill
      • Storage:
      • 4 SSD's + WD Red
      • Graphics card(s):
      • GTX980 Strix WC
      • PSU:
      • Enermax Galaxy 1250 (9 years and counting)
      • Case:
      • Corsair 900D
      • Operating System:
      • win10 64bit
      • Monitor(s):
      • Dell 24"
      • Internet:
      • 220mb Cable

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread


  2. Received thanks from:

    Lowe (24-02-2009)

  3. #1042
    0iD
    0iD is offline
    M*I*A 0iD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Happy Llama Land
    Posts
    13,247
    Thanks
    1,435
    Thanked
    1,209 times in 757 posts
    • 0iD's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Leave my mother out of it!
      • CPU:
      • If I knew what it meant?
      • Memory:
      • Wah?
      • Storage:
      • Cupboards and drawers
      • Graphics card(s):
      • Slate & chalk
      • PSU:
      • meh
      • Case:
      • Suit or Brief?
      • Operating System:
      • Brain
      • Monitor(s):
      • I was 1 at skool
      • Internet:
      • 28k Dialup

    If it's a repost, I don't want to know, really.

    Why do men die first?


    This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries…… but, now we know.


    If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race…you’re a male chauvinist.



    If you stay home and do the housework …you’re a pansy.


    If you work too hard…there’s never any time for her.

    If you don’t work enough…you’re a good-for-nothing bum.


    If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay…this is exploitation.

    If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay…..you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.


    If you get a promotion ahead of her…..that is favoritism.

    If she gets a job ahead of you……it’s affirmative action.


    If you mention how nice she looks……it’s sexual harassment.

    If you keep quiet……….it’s male indifference.


    If you cry…………you’re a wimp.

    If you don’t……..you’re an insensitive bastard.


    If you make a decision without consulting her………you’re a chauvinist.

    If she makes a decision without consulting you……she’s a liberated woman.


    If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy……. that’s domination.

    If she asks you………it’s a favor.


    If you appreciate the female form …..you’re a pervert.

    If you don’t ….you’re gay.


    If you like a woman to shave her legs, wear sexy lingerie and keep in shape ………….you’re sexist.

    If you don’t……………..you’re unromantic.


    If you try to keep yourself in shape……you’re vain.

    If you don’t ……..you’re a slob.


    If you buy her flowers………….you’re after something.

    If you don’t ……..you’re not thoughtful.


    If you’re proud of your achievements……..you’re full of yourself.
    If you aren’t……. you’re not ambitious.


    If she has a headache…………she’s tired.

    If you have a headache………….you don’t love her anymore.


    If you want it too often………you’re over sexed.

    If you don’t…………….there must be someone else.








    So why do men die first?
















    Because they want to.
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

  4. Received thanks from:

    transylvanic (22-02-2009)

  5. #1043
    Yay a custom user title! =assassin='s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Posts
    896
    Thanks
    89
    Thanked
    57 times in 39 posts

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    ^ hehe I like that.

  6. #1044
    Welcome to stampytown! Salazaar's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Oxford-ish
    Posts
    4,459
    Thanks
    505
    Thanked
    353 times in 254 posts
    • Salazaar's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Asrock B450m Steel Legend
      • CPU:
      • Ryzen 5 3600
      • Graphics card(s):
      • 5700 XT

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    All credit to Tommy Cooper (or possibly Tim Vine)...

    1. Two blondes walked into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

    2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want marijuana, press the hash key...'

    3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

    4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

    5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high..'

    6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

    7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
    The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

    8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

    9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
    Police say that he topped himself.

    11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

    12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'.
    'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
    'Is it common? '
    'It's not unusual.'

    13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
    'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
    'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
    'No, because he's really heavy'

    14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.'
    'How's that?'
    'Don't you start.'

    15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

    16. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
    A fsh.

    17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
    I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

    18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

    19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'

    20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
    They charged one and let the other one off.

    21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

    22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
    The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
    Last edited by Salazaar; 16-02-2009 at 04:01 PM.
    ____
    (='.'=)
    (")_(")

  7. Received thanks from:

    0iD (02-03-2009),Andy3536 (22-02-2009),Behemoth (22-02-2009),nichomach (16-02-2009),Zadock (16-02-2009)

  8. #1045
    Environ'mentalist Zadock's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Pembroke
    Posts
    1,386
    Thanks
    104
    Thanked
    101 times in 83 posts
    • Zadock's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Asus Z77
      • CPU:
      • Intel Core i5 3570K
      • Memory:
      • Corsair Corsair Vengeance 8Gb (1600Mhz)
      • Storage:
      • Samsung 500GB HD501LJ Spinpoint T, SATA300, 7200 rpm
      • Graphics card(s):
      • XFX HD6950 2GB
      • PSU:
      • Corsair 520W HX Series Modular Powersupply
      • Case:
      • Antec Nine Hundred
      • Operating System:
      • Windows 7 64 HP
      • Monitor(s):
      • Samsung 27" LED
      • Internet:
      • BT

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Classics!

    I have another that I think is tommy cooper thats not on the list.

    News flash! A two seater plane has crashed in a cemetry in Ireland this evening, rescue workers have discovered 10 bodies so far but more are expected to be discovered as digging continues through into the night.
    ___________________________________________________________

    System 1: Case: Antec 900 Motherboard: Asus Z77 CPU: Core i5 3570K @3.4GHz RAM:8Gb DDR3 1600Mhz GFX: XFX AMD Radeon 6950 2Gb (Cayman) HDD: Samsung Spinpoint 500GB O/S: Windows 7 64bit Home Premium

    System 2: Lenovo Ideapad S205: AMD E350 APU (1.6Ghz), 2Gb 1066Mhz DDR3, Radeon HD6310 (integrated), 250Gb HDD, Windows 7 64Bit Home Premium

    System 3:Asus Eee 901: 12Gb Ubuntu 10.10 Gnome Desktop edition


  9. Received thanks from:

    Powderhound (17-02-2009)

  10. #1046
    sneaks quietly away. schmunk's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Wiki Wiki Wild West side... of Sussex
    Posts
    4,424
    Thanks
    40
    Thanked
    163 times in 121 posts
    • schmunk's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Abit NF7-S v2.0
      • CPU:
      • AMD Athlon-M 2500+
      • Memory:
      • 1GB of Corsair BH-5 and 512MB of something else
      • Storage:
      • 160GB Seagate Barracuda
      • Graphics card(s):
      • ATI Radeon X800Pro, flashed to XT
      • PSU:
      • Hiper Type-M ~400W
      • Case:
      • Antec cheapy
      • Monitor(s):
      • AG Neovo F19 LCD
      • Internet:
      • Virgin Media 4MB/s

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Salazaar View Post
    All credit to Tommy Cooper...
    A large proportion, if not all, are actually Tim Vine jokes.

  11. #1047
    Registered+
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    West Midlands
    Posts
    48
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked
    2 times in 2 posts
    • dagwoood's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Asus P5B
      • CPU:
      • E8400
      • Memory:
      • 4GB Corsair XMS2
      • Storage:
      • 2 x 500GB
      • Graphics card(s):
      • 4870 512MB
      • PSU:
      • Thermaltake 600w
      • Case:
      • All black Elite 330
      • Operating System:
      • Vista HP 64bit
      • Monitor(s):
      • 22" AG neovo
      • Internet:
      • 20mb

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Two flies sitting on a piece of pooh, eating it. One fly breaks wind, and the other one turns to him and says, "Do you mind, I'm eating!"

  12. #1048
    Pseudo-Mad Scientist Whiternoise's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Surrey
    Posts
    4,274
    Thanks
    166
    Thanked
    386 times in 233 posts
    • Whiternoise's system
      • Motherboard:
      • DFI LANPARTY JR P45-T2RS
      • CPU:
      • Q6600
      • Memory:
      • 8GB DDR2
      • Storage:
      • 5.6TB Total
      • Graphics card(s):
      • HD4780
      • PSU:
      • 425W Modu82+ Enermax
      • Case:
      • Silverstone TJ08b
      • Operating System:
      • Win7 64
      • Monitor(s):
      • Dell 23" IPS
      • Internet:
      • 1Gbps Fibre Line

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    SCHOOL 1977 vs. SCHOOL 2007

    Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

    1977 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.

    2007 - School goes into lockdown, the F.B.I. are called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors are called in to assist traumatised students and teachers.

    Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

    1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

    2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

    Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

    1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

    2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra provincial funding because Jeffrey has a disability.

    Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbours car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

    1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

    2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist.

    Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.

    1977 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.

    2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

    Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.

    1977 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

    2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Canadian Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against provincial school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

    Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Canada Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

    1977 - Ants die.

    2007 - Canadian Firearms Centre and the RCMP are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. CSIS investigates parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

    Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

    1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

    2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy

  13. Received thanks from:

    GoNz0 (17-02-2009),shadowmaster (17-02-2009),Workaholic (17-02-2009)

  14. #1049
    Nefarious Networker Dareos's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Larkhall, Scotland
    Posts
    3,389
    Thanks
    460
    Thanked
    402 times in 299 posts
    • Dareos's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Gigabyte Z77 - UD3H
      • CPU:
      • Intel i5 Ivy Bridge
      • Memory:
      • 16GB Corsair Vengeance
      • Storage:
      • Crucial M4 128GB, Seagate Barracuda 2TB
      • Graphics card(s):
      • Gigabyte Geforce 670 OC Windforce x 2
      • PSU:
      • Corsair 1050 Modular
      • Case:
      • Fractal R3
      • Operating System:
      • Win 7
      • Monitor(s):
      • 27" DGM and 40" Samsung TV
      • Internet:
      • 152 Mb Virgin

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by schmunk View Post
    A large proportion, if not all, are actually Tim Vine jokes.
    umm, they really aren't...


    I was visiting a quarry the other day, and i said, "thats a big rock"
    and the guy said "boulder"

    i said THATS A BIG ROCK

    now thats a Tim Vine joke....
    We're only here for the Banter - The Luvvies - Chewin' The Fat

    Violence and Lubrication is the solution to fixing everything, if it still doesn't work, you need more lubrication.

    Quote Originally Posted by this_is_gav View Post
    How do you change the height of them?

    I've just had a quick fiddle with the knob at the front :\

  15. #1050
    sneaks quietly away. schmunk's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Wiki Wiki Wild West side... of Sussex
    Posts
    4,424
    Thanks
    40
    Thanked
    163 times in 121 posts
    • schmunk's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Abit NF7-S v2.0
      • CPU:
      • AMD Athlon-M 2500+
      • Memory:
      • 1GB of Corsair BH-5 and 512MB of something else
      • Storage:
      • 160GB Seagate Barracuda
      • Graphics card(s):
      • ATI Radeon X800Pro, flashed to XT
      • PSU:
      • Hiper Type-M ~400W
      • Case:
      • Antec cheapy
      • Monitor(s):
      • AG Neovo F19 LCD
      • Internet:
      • Virgin Media 4MB/s

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread


  16. #1051
    Registered+
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Posts
    53
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked
    0 times in 0 posts
    • l33t-krew's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Asus Rampage II Extreme
      • CPU:
      • Core i7 920 D0
      • Memory:
      • 6Gb Corsair 1600Mhz
      • Storage:
      • 3Tb (3x1tb) + 2Tb External
      • Graphics card(s):
      • *Currently deciding*
      • PSU:
      • Corsair HX 750w
      • Case:
      • NZXT
      • Operating System:
      • Windows 7
      • Monitor(s):
      • Dell 24" 2407WFP A04
      • Internet:
      • Dialup :(

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    some truly lmfao jokes here,.

    cheers

  17. #1052
    I R Toff Pandi! TAKTAK's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Vergon6
    Posts
    7,450
    Thanks
    553
    Thanked
    1,013 times in 748 posts
    • TAKTAK's system
      • Motherboard:
      • ASUS ROG STRIX B450-F GAMING
      • CPU:
      • Ryzen 7 3700X
      • Memory:
      • 16GB Corsair Vengeance LPX 3200MHz
      • Storage:
      • 500GB Samsung 970 EVO
      • Graphics card(s):
      • 5700 XT 50th Anniversary
      • PSU:
      • Be Quiet SFX-L 600W
      • Case:
      • Lian Li PC-O11 Mini
      • Operating System:
      • Windows 10
      • Monitor(s):
      • LG Ultrawide
      • Internet:
      • 200Mb FTTP

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Probably a repost but:

    When you have a "I Hate My Job" day, try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
    When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
    Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
    "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested".
    Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."
    Post Counts and Other Rewards, Rules, Folding@Home, Fans: Push vs Pull vs Push-Pull, Corsair PSU OEMs.

    Quote Originally Posted by razer121 View Post
    Would you like me to enter you? it would be my pleasure
    TAKTAK.co.uk

  18. Received thanks from:

    Powderhound (22-02-2009)

  19. #1053
    ho! ho! ho! mofo santa claus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Posts
    2,898
    Thanks
    386
    Thanked
    446 times in 304 posts

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by schmunk View Post
    I still think it's reasonable to credit them to Tommy Cooper. Telling jokes is an art form mastered by Tommy; Tommy could say something that didn't look funny on paper, but when he said it...

    Tim Vine (whoever he is) may have written many of these jokes but they were immortalised by the genius that was Tommy Cooper.

    I would say get over it Tim and be thankful that some stuff you wrote has become legend thanks to the late great Tommy Cooper.

  20. #1054
    Nefarious Networker Dareos's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Larkhall, Scotland
    Posts
    3,389
    Thanks
    460
    Thanked
    402 times in 299 posts
    • Dareos's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Gigabyte Z77 - UD3H
      • CPU:
      • Intel i5 Ivy Bridge
      • Memory:
      • 16GB Corsair Vengeance
      • Storage:
      • Crucial M4 128GB, Seagate Barracuda 2TB
      • Graphics card(s):
      • Gigabyte Geforce 670 OC Windforce x 2
      • PSU:
      • Corsair 1050 Modular
      • Case:
      • Fractal R3
      • Operating System:
      • Win 7
      • Monitor(s):
      • 27" DGM and 40" Samsung TV
      • Internet:
      • 152 Mb Virgin

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    umm, Tim Vine is a lot younger than Tommy Cooper, and probably grew up listening to him
    We're only here for the Banter - The Luvvies - Chewin' The Fat

    Violence and Lubrication is the solution to fixing everything, if it still doesn't work, you need more lubrication.

    Quote Originally Posted by this_is_gav View Post
    How do you change the height of them?

    I've just had a quick fiddle with the knob at the front :\

  21. #1055
    sneaks quietly away. schmunk's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Wiki Wiki Wild West side... of Sussex
    Posts
    4,424
    Thanks
    40
    Thanked
    163 times in 121 posts
    • schmunk's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Abit NF7-S v2.0
      • CPU:
      • AMD Athlon-M 2500+
      • Memory:
      • 1GB of Corsair BH-5 and 512MB of something else
      • Storage:
      • 160GB Seagate Barracuda
      • Graphics card(s):
      • ATI Radeon X800Pro, flashed to XT
      • PSU:
      • Hiper Type-M ~400W
      • Case:
      • Antec cheapy
      • Monitor(s):
      • AG Neovo F19 LCD
      • Internet:
      • Virgin Media 4MB/s

    Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by santa claus View Post
    I still think it's reasonable to credit them to Tommy Cooper. Telling jokes is an art form mastered by Tommy; Tommy could say something that didn't look funny on paper, but when he said it...

    Tim Vine (whoever he is) may have written many of these jokes but they were immortalised by the genius that was Tommy Cooper.

    I would say get over it Tim and be thankful that some stuff you wrote has become legend thanks to the late great Tommy Cooper.
    I've never (I promise) posted one of these before, but in this case I feel it's merited...


  22. #1056
    Senyor Membre
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    London
    Posts
    260
    Thanks
    27
    Thanked
    7 times in 7 posts

    Re: If it's a repost, I don't want to know, really.

    Quote Originally Posted by 0iD View Post
    Why do men die first?
    Because they want to.
    Great success!

    Quote Originally Posted by Salazaar View Post
    8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
    *facepalm*

Page 66 of 78 FirstFirst ... 16263646566364656667686976 ... LastLast

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 4 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 4 guests)

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •