The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

[0iD]

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'

'What does that mean?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

[0iD]

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher (allegedly)

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame.
Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ' Middle Wife' comes along.

[chuckskull]

[mycarsavw]

[chuckskull]

Epic fail.

Damn forums, I always miss the last post on a page.

Hopefully my failure will serve as a lesson to others

[JK Ferret]

And didn't see the reason for the fail at first... reposts are common.

Then, I saw the difference between reply numbers...

Good job chuckskull Taking the pressure of feeling like a tit off of others

[0iD]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will! die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[0iD]

There's these 2 guys fishing ...

[0iD]

Frank feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he talked to the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there was a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, Frank's wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

'Frank, for the FIFTH bloody time, CHICKEN!'

[Brucelles]

A little while back my wife and I started to run out of steam, sexually. We still did it, but it was a bit ritualistic, the spontaneity had gone. But you know what they say, the only bad sex is no sex, so we just ploughed on.

Then one day I overheard a conversation in a cubicle near mine at work, and a bloke was telling his mate how he had spiced up his own sex life by trying different positions, something a little kinky, but not bizarre.

Well, I listened intently to all the details, and that night suggested to my wife that we try the same thing. She was interested, so I said “Why don’t we start with the Wheelbarrow? It seemed to work for my colleague”

“The Wheelbarrow? How does that work?” She said.

“Well. You bend over and take your weight on your hands, I get between your legs from behind, slip in, and take your weight by holding your thighs; then we’re off.”

“Hmm,” she mused, “OK, I’ll give it a try, but there are two conditions.”

“OK.” I said, pleased, “What conditions?”

“One: I don’t like pain, it’s not sexy and it’s not funny. If it hurts I say so and we stop immediately”

“Well, obviously,” I replied, “I don’t want to do anything to hurt you. What’s the second condition?”

“We're not going past my mum’s house.”

[handscombmp]

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airline are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.
However, after a few minutes, the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the flight attendants for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin to panic. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief, and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers are going to get used to us flying this thing, not scream and then we'll be screwed!"

[jsdownie]

A man who has been having an affair with an Italian woman find out she is pregnant and in a bid to keep his marriage and reputation he tells her that if she goes back to Italy and has the kid he'll give her a lot of money upfront and regular payments to help her bring up the kid. She asks him how he will know the baby is born so he can start the regular payments, he tells her to send a postcard simply with the word spaghetti on it. 9 months later he came and his confused wife told him a strange card came for him. this postcard read SPAGHETTI SPAGHETTI SPAGHETTI two with meatballs 1 without, send extra sauce

[shadowmaster]

One in five woman have a diagnosed mental health problem, the rest killed the doctor before he had a chance.
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An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks'.

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks'.

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks'.

The English doctor not to be out done said "Hah! We can take two arse's out of Scotland, put them in 10 and 11 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within 24 hours.

[dave87]

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was cooking dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted: 'Mum, I want a bike for my birthday.'

Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had got into trouble at school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did.
Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.

Your friend,

Barry.


Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.
Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad. 'Just be home in time for dinner,' his mother said. Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Barry began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:
I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F*%#ING BIKE!!!

[dave87]

THE AMISH ELEVATOR



An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son.....'Go get your mother'.

[sleepyhead]

Some dodgy, some repeats, a few close to call but what the hey (If they do offend, PM me or reply here and I'll edit them out.)
____________________________________

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one f#cking punch.

My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed..
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her f#cking appendix out!"

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a ****."

Disabled toilets.
Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez.
It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop rubbishrubbishrubbishrubbishing.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it f#cking start?"

Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles."
The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog."
"Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?"
"Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal."
"Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that."
So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.
And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence...

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!"
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

I had a mate who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits..