The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

[JK Ferret]

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..

THAT... needs to be going on walls

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . .having money.
At age 50 success is . .. . having money.
At age 70 success is . ... . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

[finlay666]

You're not the only copy & paste addict 0iD

Feeling Unappreciated Lately?


Things Got Ya Down?

Well Then, Consider These ..

http://www.snopes.com/humor/lists/fakenews.asp

Must Try Harder

[Powderhound]

You're not the only copy & paste addict 0iD

Feeling Unappreciated Lately?


Things Got Ya Down?

Well Then, Consider These ..

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Kenneth Roberts, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

Betty came home to find Jerry in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb..
It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, Feeling Better, Are We ?

And in a similar vein... http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2009/ma...-by-london-cab

[d_b]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "watch out for the ****ing wall!'''

**

A vicar books into a hotel & says to the clerk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled?"
The clerk replies "No sir, it's just regular porn, you sick man!"

[d_b]

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

[Georgy291]

whats green and smells like yellow paint?

a: green paint

[JK Ferret]

whats green and smells like yellow paint?

a: green paint

That was terrible

[Whiternoise]

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a toothpick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp leaves.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies,"Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

[Disturbedguy]

Lol that was quite disgusting yet funny xD

[0iD]

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007 (A US-centric point of view)

Scenario :

Jack goes rabbit shooting before school,

pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle,

goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.

2007 - School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to jail

and never sees his ute or gun again. Counsellors called in

for traumatized students and teachers.



Scenario:

Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins.

Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark.

Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.



Scenario:

Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal.

Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie.

Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state

because Robbie has a disability.



Scenario :

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car

and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal,

goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse.

Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang.

State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers

being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.



Scenario :

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations.

Car searched for drugs and weapons.



Scenario :

Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state.

Newspaper articles appear nationally

explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.

AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system

and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum.

Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up

mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.



Scenario :

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July,

puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.

1957 - Ants die.

2007- Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called.

Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents,

siblings removed from home, computers confiscated,

Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list

and is never allowed to fly again.



Scenario :

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.

He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.

She faces 3 years in Prison.

Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

[Brucelles]

Doreen's husband Matt died suddenly one day. Doreen was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Matt's obituary to read.
Doreen asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?"
The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word."
Doreen then said, "I want the obituary to read - MATT IS DEAD."
The undertaker was an old fishing buddy of Matt's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, "I'll make you a special deal since I knew Matt so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket."
Doreen's face lit up and she replied, "Great. I want it to read - MATT IS DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE."

[Whiternoise]

A starving asylum seeker is greeted at Dover by a God Fairy who grants him 3 wishes.

"I'm hungry" he says. POW! A banquet table appears.

"I want a nice house" he says. POW! A mansion with a swimming pool appears.

"I want to be a real Englishman" POW! Everything vanishes!

Asylum seekers asks "Where's everything gone?"

Fairy says "You're an Englishman now, and entitled to **** ALL!"

[finlay666]

Another Jade goody one...........


Whats the difference between cancer and a goat?
Max Clifford doesn't know how to milk goats

[TAKTAK]

Another Jade goody one...........

Ditto

Have you heard that Goody is going to be in panto this christmas?









Ooooooh no she's not.


theres a few others, but they are a bit too far on the dodgey side...

[Whiternoise]

I love this thread but hate all the racist jokes. You guys need to be careful. Being racist can give you cancer.

[baius]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director: "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[Did a quick check for repeats - not that anyone else seems to care. ]