The Well Dodgy Joke Thread

[finlay666]

Seal says "I'll only have a half, out clubbing later"

[finlay666]

Double post (didn't want to ruin the other joke)

Jade goody said before she passed away she was worried losing her hair would mean she lost her looks
Great to see cancer didn't ruin her sense of humour

[MadduckUK]

Seal says "I'll only have a half, out clubbing later"

you would double if you were out clubbing later

in ur thread etc

[finlay666]

Girls:

If you get a message from your boyfriend saying that he wants to "kick your puppy", don't call the RSPCA...

He's just not very good at predictive text.

[Whiternoise]

I'm sure the BNP would give the same answer.

You may not be hate-filled, but that joke is.

Again, i really don't see how?

Personally i think it's a case of either the joke being over-interpreted or just plain misinterpreted. This IS the "well dodgy joke thread" and that's hardly a dodgy joke - compared to some of the rest of the material here at any rate.

Finally, if you have that much of a problem with it - report it. That's what the button's for. I don't want to detract from the humourmongery!



And please think before bringing the BNP into this, they are a bunch of racist, ignorant pillocks and even that joke wasn't stooping to their level.

[finlay666]

The KKK have introduced a new conservation program
"Keep the Arctic White"


(kindof stole off Bill Bailey)

[baius]

im getting mixed messages here

You should see your signature. ;-)

So, a seal walks into a club...

... and says ouch?

[GoNz0]

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

'Oi, what's your disability?'

I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'

[GoNz0]

A man met a beautiful blonde girl and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'


'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey.

[Hyperviper34]

A vicar books himself into a hotel and on check-in asks the receptionist if the hotels TV’s Porn Channel is disabled?

To which the receptionist replies – No just your standard blue movies……..!

[GoNz0]

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.

[baius]

Not new, (oh, hell no,) but still funny. Have a "thanks".

Edit: You blatantly just copied and pasted this out of an email; man, you didn't even make the "sentences" into, well, full sentences.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?

[baius]

On reading an old one

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
[We know it hasn't got the energy to tell us not to.]
____________________________________

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
[The bank managers realise that not everyone went to Eton/Harrow, and capitalise on this.]
_____________________________

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
[Because things have to be seen to be believed.]
____________________________________

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
[Jane asked him to shave it off.]
___________________________________

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
[The bullet wasn't made of Cryptonite. (Duh.)]
______________________________

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
[Might be re-assigned to another mission.]
____________________________________

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
[Shakespeare was a rubbishrubbishrubbishrubbish. Everyone knows that. English language came from that brat. It's too late to throw tomatoes - splat.]
________________________________

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
[We need politicians. (I don't believe evolution, btw.)]
____________________________________

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
[The manufaturers got it wrong. It was meant to be shower gel.]
_________________________________

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
[When you're on a boat. (It means you don't get as much wind. & it's spelt sail.)]
________________________________

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
[It's because the fridge hasn't failed them once for food - yet. Even if the inside of the refrigerator has nothing in it, the outside has a magnet, underneath which is a menu, and that menu has a phone number for the local Tandoori. (Duh.)]
____________________________________

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
[Simple: The bin's further away than the vacuum. (Still pretty dumb, though.)]
____________________________________

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
[They're designed to break and spill on the floor. That way, you'll not gain access to the precious contents, but still want said contents and therefore be forced to buy some more.]
___________________________________

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
[Spiders have a superstition about eating dead bugs. If they find a dead bug in their web, regardless of their hunger, they refrain, instead "sacrificing" the dead animal to the great light sources that could take their life at any moment. The lights naturally bless the spiders, which is why you never find a spider inside a light fixture. (Please, please don't try to prove me wrong on this. I already know.)]
___________________________________

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
[It's simple, but not well known: When you go into the supermarket, you'll notice that you pass between two barriers. Many people mistakenly think this is a "security" barrier to stop customers nicking things they haven't paid for. It's not. It's a "brain conditioning" machine that conditions you to be really calm inside their store.
Logically, if everyone became violent inside supermarkets, there'd be huge repair bills for the conglomorates to pay, so it's much more expedient for the customers to be "conditioned" before they enter the store.]
____________________________________

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
[Peer pressure.
You will notice that kamikaze pilots/suicide bombers are always quite highly-respected and unsuspected members of society. That way, when they do their deeds, they have the element of suprise. It's naturally the same way with table-top items. You would fail to notice that the "mayonaise bowl" is lining you up for disaster; but it is!
The tragedy is that because the mayonaise jar is so popular among friends, when it starts to fall, the other items start to feel that if it's good for Mr Hellman's, then it must be good enough for me. So they follow suit.
Please, please don't ever feel personal guilt for knocking one - or more - things off the table at once. You must respect the different condiments' life stance, just like you would humans.]
__________________________________

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
[I shouldn't dignify this with a response but I will. Before we begin: The temperature is the same all year round.
Due to "propaganda" weather reports, and the like, we are conditioned (there's that word again, you see) into percieving that the weather changes to different temps, at different times of the year.
Naturally, therefore, if you've been out on a "summer day", because everyone else has been "recommended" to wear "summer clothes", you go out and that's all you see. So it must be summer. Self-fulfilling prophecy. As everyone's clothing is so loose, we are able to move more, generate more sweat and naturally go home feeling really hot.
Conversely, in "winter" everyone else wears "winter clothes" and we feel subconciously impelled to "fit in" so we wear winter clothes. Understandably, after a long day at work (or whatever) when we get into our "temperature controlled" house and take our clothes off, due to being in a "home environment", we will feel too cold.
That is why we feel too hot in summer but too cold in winter. The answer is (and I really do do this) to wear the same clothes, all year round. I personally choose sandals, shorts and T-Shirts.
However, the key is to be consistent.]
__________________________________

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
[Usually father-in-laws are the ones you'd ask for a loan (especially for new houses), so it proves to be the prudent course of action to reverence respect for their position.]
________________________________

And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
[This is of course true. Your [3] friends have been (trying to) tell(ing) you this for ages. Listen more. It will make you more sensible.]

[Quotes in silver are mine.]

[schmunk]

On reading an old one
[Quotes in silver are mine.]

I note you posted this at 4am. You should try sleeping more.

[Nick]

Erm.. am i the only wondering if baius thought this was a quiz and not a joke?

Anyhoo, my joke for this week;

Q: How do elephants hide in trees?
A: Paint their balls red and pretend to be cherries.

Q: What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
A: Giraffes eating cherries.

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants stampeding over the horizon?
A: "Run for it! The elephants stampeding over the horizon!"

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants stampeding over the horizon wearing dark glasses?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming around the corner?
A: "Swim for it!!"

Budum-tish!

[JK Ferret]

Erm.. am i the only wondering if baius thought this was a quiz and not a joke?