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The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in. She turned and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all, right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
:lol:
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!' The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. he's dead. What'd you buy?'
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan , India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?"
........and, they lived happily ever after.
Now, isn't that a sweet story?
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Well I guess its in the title isn't it... second one was just sinister :)
1st was brilliant, wouldn't mind being exploited like that :D
And the 3rd was clever.
Keep them coming :thumbsup:
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Lmao, good third. BTW, 0iD, who's in your avatar?
(As an insult)
I'd love to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my own arse.
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Elyk
Lmao, good third. BTW, 0iD, who's in your avatar?
(As an insult)
I'd love to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my own arse.
It is trully a gift :) and has, since I learned the tantric manouvre to do it, changed my whole outlook on life.
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
The pastor asked if any one in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said,"I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation . They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is STERNUM!
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Class!
"What's green and sticky? A frog jumping into a jelly!"
My daughter. Come on, she's not quite 4...
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Hmm, thought it could've been a mossy stick or something
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
"Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well, 'he explained, "The restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Eeeeeeeewwwwwww.... Funny, but ugh! :lol:
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Q: What do you get if you cross a Kangaroo and Luciano Pavarotti?
A: Great big bloody holes all over Australia.
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
roorooroo
Q: What do you get if you cross a Kangaroo and Luciano Pavarotti?
A: Great big bloody holes all over Australia.
lmao, that's a good one.:stupid:
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his willy after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket, and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep. I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your mistress find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your willy .
3) Or finding out your willy fits through your wedding ring.
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: " A Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Harry in the fifth-grade ............ I got the last seven questions wrong...."
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?
5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?
1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4. chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush
Now Really! Just what were you thinking?
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Who is Jack Schitt you ask?
The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt."
Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep 'N' Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt,Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper told of the Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg,Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
did you hear about the guy with five willies?
his trousers fit like a glove
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
kasavien
did you hear about the guy with five willies?
his trousers fit like a glove
lmao, dude that's so wrong but funny :lol:
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lmao, i'll try that Trig!
but tsk, there's ba words in there ;)
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Whats the difference bewteen a BMW and a Hedgehog?
With the BMW the prick is on the inside.
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A little boy and his father are walking down the street, and they see two dogs having sex.
The little boy asks his father, "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father says, "Making a puppy." So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, "Daddy, what are you doing?"
The father replies, "Making a baby."
The little boy says, "Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy."
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." Said the cabbie
She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
The local farmer started a new agricultural craze by growing vibrators in one of his fields. Only problem that he is getting now is that he can't get rid of the squatters.
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back
down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a period," he replied.
"I see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning, my sister was missing one. Mommy fainted, Daddy had a heart attack and the boy next door joined the Army!"
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.
At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the bank cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked all last week with the men building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?' The little girl thought for a moment and said...
'I think so. Provided those w***kers at Jewsons deliver the f***ing bricks.'
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
I was at the shopping centre the other day eating at the food hall when I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
The teenager would look over and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are " The Seven Dwarfs" they get ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.
Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back to face the Pope.
"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."
This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.
Dopey turns ba ck to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"
The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
"Dopey screwed a penguin!
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Harold is 92 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit, smoke a cigar, listen to music, ponder his accomplishments and reflect on his long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 86, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours had passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred asks,
"Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?"
"SEX!!" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing Bastard! ----- What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's".
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A midget from Texas had testicles which hurt and ached almost all the time.
The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side. Then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car....... :p
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....
Scared the sh!t out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading.
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?", Asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"
A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth.
"What happened?", he asked.
"Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and they beat the crap out of me!"
"Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?"
"Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?"
"Oh!" replied the grandad. "The SS."
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your d**k.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong? Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a
woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be
able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she
starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up
once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men...
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
That shouldn't be in the dodgy joke thread. Brilliant. In fact, it's getting printed out right now, and being post on top of the "Top 10 reasons God created Eve" list in the girls room next door. I doubt it will last long, so I best print a few.
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Now for something a bit old
5 management lessons
Lesson 1:
A priest o ffered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129 It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 2:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says , "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 3 :
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: " Sure , why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 4 :
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
BullSh!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson 5 :
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who dumps on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of the sh*t is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep poo, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway.'
'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can....
"Your Willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."'
The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on,
'We've checked your insurance and you've actually got a £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new Willy that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact.
But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch.'
The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.)
'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor says, "You need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch Willy before and you decide to go for a nine Willy now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed.
So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision.'
So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife
The doctor comes back the next day.
'So' he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have.' says the chap.
'And has she helped you to make the decision?'
'Yes, she has' he says.
'And what is the decision?' asks the doctor.
'We're having a new kitchen.'
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
i love this thread the jokes always make me laugh, ta OiD
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend
Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean.
It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said
"Hey baby, lets play Wee wee chu."
"Oh no not now, lets look at the moon," said Jung Lee.
"Oh c'mon baby lets you and I play Wee wee chu.
I love you and it's the perfect time", Huan Cho begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play Wee wee chu with me?"
June Lee looked at Huan Cho and said,
"Ok we'll play Wee wee chu."
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang
"Wee wee chu a Merry Christmas,
wee wee chu a Merry Christmas
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
This woman is driving home one hot summers day when she's caught in a particularly violent hailstorm. When the storm lets up, worried that the car may be damaged, she gets out and finds that there are a few small dents on the roof where the hailstones hit. So she takes the car to the nearest garage to assess the damage. The mechanic decides to have a bit of fun, and tells the woman that she can fix the dents by blowing into the exhaust pipe. "The increased air pressure in the car's interior will make the dents pop right back up again, and the roof will be good as new, " he says. Completely missing the joke, she takes this piece of advice seriously, and a little later, she is back at her place, on her hands and knees, blowing into the exhaust pipe. Half an hour later, the dents are still there, so she decides to get one of her girlfriends out of a neighbouring house, and explain to her what she's doing. "I was out driving, when a hailstorm caused these little dents on the car roof. I took it to a garage, and the man there said to blow into the exhaust pipe to increase the air pressure in the car to make the dents pop up. I've been trying it for half an hour, but it's not working. " Her girlfiend replies: "You really are thick sometimes aren't you. That's never gonna work. " "Why not? " "You haven't wound the windows up you stupid tart. "
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years? "
The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns? "
Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension. "
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother".
The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish? "
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again".
At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have? " Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said: "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man".
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke: "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life. " And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having my bollocks removed now, don't you? "
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh. " The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too? "
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume, " she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning? " "There is, " he replied. "Breakfast. "
A young boy approaches his mother and asks, "why do women get married in white. . ? " Mother replies, "because they are angelic, virginal creatures and white is the colour of angels. " The boy asks his dad the same question to which the father replies, "All kitchen appliances are white, son. "
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds. " Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take? " she asks. They'll grow larger over a period of years, " he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years? " The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your arse, didn't it? "
Well he lived, and, with a great deal of therapy, he might walk again. :lol:
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Females/Males & related geography
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa -- half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe -- well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India -- very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France -- gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain -- with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Isreal -- has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada -- self-preserving but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet --Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
GEOGRAPHY OF MEN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran --
Ruled by a prick
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
0iD
GEOGRAPHY OF MEN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran --
Ruled by a prick
Shouldn't that be USA? :mrgreen:
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Or England. :)
CHRISTMAS CAROLS OF THE EXCEPTIONAL
* 1. Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear?
* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
* 5. Manic -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,………
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
0iD
CHRISTMAS CAROLS OF THE EXCEPTIONAL...
Excellent work!
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' Speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. So, now, if you are going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.
Chipo was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts, she never had a boyfriend. So she went to a psychic for help.
"Honey! ", said the psychic. "You will not have luck in love in this life. But in the reincarnation, you will be a much desired woman and all men will fall at your feet."
Chipo left very happy and excited, and as she went over a bridge she thought: "the sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins." She decided to jump off the bridge right away.
But, incredibly Chipo didn't die! She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas; she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started touching her surroundings, feeling all the bananas. She mumbled with a huge smile on her face: "GENTLEMEN, PLEASE! ONE AT A TIME!"
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and slumps down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior . "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed.
"So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted..and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 6 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
"You missed the f'ing putt, didn't you!!!"
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A couple were invited to a family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.
As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her
husband.
After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell ! you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing, enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.
Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.
Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the golfer impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil Worshipper?
A. He sold his soul to Santa.
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
One particular Christmas season many years ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. . . but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. So Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told him that her mother was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Frustrated, he went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang. Santa cussed on his way to the door. When he opened it, there stood before him a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa! Isn't it just a lovely day? Just look at the clear blue sky and all of the lovely white snow on the ground today! And I have this beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it? "
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Here's a little story
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and The perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
WOMEN - STOP READING HERE, THAT IS THE END OF THE JOKE.
MEN - KEEP ON READING
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident in the first place.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point - women either never listen or are unable to follow simple instructions.
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
From this week's Popbitch email:
"I bought a teddy today for £5, named him Mohammed then sold him on for £10. Question is, have I made a prophet?"
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
RECENT UK SURVEY
Question: Are there too many “foreigners” in the UK now?
Responses:
20%: YES
10%: NO
70%: معهد الأمن العالمي بواشن
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
schmunk
From this week's Popbitch email:
"I bought a teddy today for £5, named him Mohammed then sold him on for £10. Question is, have I made a prophet?"
:lol: Priceless :lol:
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Another, shamelessly stolen from this massive joke thread I randomly found.
Cows & Politics Explained
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks
the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence,
he starts to slowly clap his hands.
He says into the microphone...
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from near the front pierces the silence...
"Well, stop f**king clapping then."
Join the campaign:
ACT NOW -> MAKE BONO HISTORY
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Q. What did Cinderella do when she
got to the ball?
A. She gagged.
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
med2003
Q. What did Cinderella do when she
got to the ball?
A. She gagged.
:lol: :lol: :lol: That so cracked me up! :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and
said to them, "I must tell you all something. We
have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back.
"I'm so tired of chardonnay."
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A bloke walks into a Brighton curio shop and starts having a nose around, not looking for anything in particular… just browsing.
After a while, he notices a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It doesn’t have a price tag but it’s so striking, with the way the rat is posed, almost as if it’s a real rat that’s been frozen and bronzed, that he decides to buy it.
He goes up to the counter where a wizened old man is sitting reading the paper and asks him "How much is this bronze rat?"
The old man stands up, puts on his glasses and peers at the rat.
"Well,” he says, turning the statue over in his hands, “It's £12 for the rat and, for just £100 more, I’ll tell you the story behind it."
Thinking he’s about to get ripped off, the bloke considers the old man’s offer but turns him down. " Nah mate, I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
Looking a bit disappointed the old man wraps the rat up and takes the bloke’s £12 but as he gives him the receipt, the old man looks the guy in the eye and says, “You know where to find me when you want to hear the story.”
The bloke thinks nothing of it and leaves, walking off down the street with his new purchase.
He doesn’t get far when he gets an urge to look at his new purchase, so he peels back the paper and admires the rat’s whiskery face… and as the sunlight hits the rat, the bloke is surprised to see those very whiskers twitch!
Nothing else happens and the guy puts it down to a trick of the light but as he walks off down the street he soon becomes aware of a rustling, squeaking sound behind him.
Turning round, he sees a few real rats scurrying along the gutter… but when he stops, they all stop and sit up, looking at him expectantly.
Needless to say, this is a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but he hasn’t gone more than a few yards when he checks again to see even more rats behind him and again they all stop and look at him.
Getting more anxious, the guy starts speed walking off down the street more and more worried as the noise behind him increases… and again he stops and checks to find easily several hundred rats following him and now they’re getting closer.
The guy panics… he legs it down the road, trainers slapping the ground as rats start streaming out of every drain, dustbin, nook and cranny, all pelting after this poor bloke who is now sprinting for his life down the road.
Glancing over his shoulder, all the poor bloke can see is a huge grey and black carpet of rats, all chasing after him. In sheer terror he legs it across the road and out onto the pier, fleeing for his life as millions of rats scurry after him.
The bloke reaches the end of the pier and has nowhere to go… In blind terror he holds the statue of the rat out in front of him and is amazed to see the rats are totally mesmerised by it… he waves it to the left... they all look... he waves it to the right, they all look… realising he’s never going to be shot of the rats, the bloke turns and heaves the statue as far out into the sea as he can throw it.
To his utter amazement the rats hurl themselves into the sea after the statue… apparently trying to dive down to it and after just a few minutes all the rats have drowned.
Shaken, the man slumps down at the end of the pier to rest before picking himself up and walking back to the curio shop.
"Ah, you've come back for the story then?" says the old man.
"No," says the bloke, "I came back to see if you've got any bronze statues of a Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of immigrants, a Manchester United supporter, and anything French!"
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
TheAnimus won't like that Nick...the Welsh aren't mentioned at the end :D
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
The other day I saw a man playing Dancing Queen
on the Didgeridoo.
I thought, that's Aboriginal.
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
SmileyUK
90 percent of women kiss with their eyes closed....
...and that why it is so hard to identify most rapists
i think im going to hell for that one...not my fault, blame jimmy carr!
Little bit too far i think :angst:
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical!
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem .
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Taken from an American website, hence the spellings etc;
--------
Trust me, pee before you read this one.
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect... I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic.
As I passed an oncoming car, a brown, furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves.
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I was pretty sure the scream was Squirrel for "Bonzai!" or maybe "Die you gravy-sucking heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular... He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans, this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing... I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have, The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of my throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing and now, I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can have only one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in ... well... I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle...my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time, the squirrel decided I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel however.
The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop. Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand .. I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort of. Spectacularly sort-of . so to speak. Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade into your police car.
I heard screams. This time they weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really...Except for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street aiming a riot gun at his own police car. So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.
That was one thing. The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car...but it was all his. I took a deep breath, turned on my turn signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
that is the funniest thing i have read in a long long time :)
Thanks Veedub
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "you are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "your obsession is with
money. Again,it manifests itself in your child's name,Penny."
He turns to the third mom."your obsession is alcohol.
This,too,manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up takes her little
boy by the hand and whispers:"Come on Dick,we're leaving
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A female Olympic swimmer complained to her team-mates that she was worried that she was starting to grow hair in scary places.
"Where?" they asked.
"Oh, she replied, "mostly on my nuts".
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese!
:-D
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
99Flake
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese!
:-D
Ahahahaha!! :bowdown::lol:
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A Rochdale lady sadly passed away and while at the burial her husband was gobsmacked when he saw the headstone..
"Excuse me vicar, it's not supposed to read
"She Was Thin"!!!!!
there's a letter "E" missing on the headstone..i want it sorting out by the time i come back to mourn"
So he went away and the Rochdale vicar went about sorting it out for the poor man..
Two days later he returned looking at the newly altered headstone..shaking his head..
It now read..
"E She Was Thin"
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom ?
Michael said, Just a minute I have to go pee …
The teacher responded by saying, That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it ?
Sherman said, I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back …
That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners ????
“I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment ? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”
The teacher fainted
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
"Won't you kiss me, doctor," asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor.
"Please just one kiss," begs the woman.
"It's completely out of the question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Two men in an airport bump into each other.
The first man says 'I can't find my wife'
The second replies 'I can't find mine either, what does yours look like?'
"Well", the first man replies, she's 5ft10, blonde, big boobs, wearing a mini skirt
and high heels. What does yours look like?'
"F**k her", says the second man, "Let's look for yours".
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
What do you get if you cross a crocodile and a nun?
A snappy sister :)
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Why did the golfer take an extra pair of trousers with him?
In case he got a whole in one!
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by
trickz
Why did the golfer take an extra pair of trousers with him?
In case he got a whole in one!
*sigh*
-Gobbob
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A construction boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a Irishman. Not wanting to employ him he said, "You gotta pass my test first, Here's your first question."
"Without using numbers represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Irishman says. "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw 3 trees.
"What's this?" the foreman asks.
"Well, tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," replies the foreman. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture of the three trees and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" ! ;
"Each of da trees is dirty now! So dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree. Dat is 99!"
"All right. Last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space again, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go. One hundred!"
The foreman looks at the attempt. "How in the world does this represent a hundred?"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says,
"A little dog come along and crap by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and turd, and dat make one 'undred.
So when do I start work?"
-Gobbob
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!"
Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I'll bet you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and piss into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains like hell, he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it!"
-Gobbob
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
:lol:
thats a good 'un
Love this thread.
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof*!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof* ! the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.
"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof *!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof*! the light goes off?"
"OH MY GAWD!" Ethel exclaims. '"He's pissing in the fridge again!!!!".
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose." I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing. As the official approached, the man said "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining of course" he replied and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man quietly replied,
"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear."
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Harry shows Tom a beautiful diamond ring he's bought for his wife's birthday.
'I thought she wanted a 4-wheel drive?' says Tom
'She did,' replies Harry, 'but where am I going to find a fake Land Rover?'
-------------------------------
A couple had their first child on the NHS...it was terrible. They had to wait 9 months first.
-------------------------------
2 blondes are walking down the road. One says 'Oh dear, look at that dead bird.'
The other looks into the sky and says 'Where?'
-------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my girlfriend in 18 months...I don't like to interrupt her.
(and to even it out...)
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilise one egg?
Because not one of them will stop and ask for directions.
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 'What a great chest you have!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby.'
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, 'What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby.'
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!!!!!!!'
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
Sex is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
What do people in China call their good quality plates?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A young man in a wheelchair rolls on to the stage, and Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon.
MK: "It's very brave you coming out here in your wheelchair - can you tell the audience what happened?"
Simon: "About a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really big accident. Unfortunately, my uncle was killed outright, but I survived, trapped in the car for 6 hours and had to be cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours, but they couldn't save my legs."
MK: "That's terrible, but I see you have legs now, are they artificial?"
Simon: "No, Matthew, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away, but that his legs were fine, and that with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. I have been having physiotherapy for 6 months, and I hope to be walking again by the end of the year."
Much applause.
MK: "That's fantastic. So, who are you going to be?"
Simon: "Tonight Matthew I'm going to be ....
(wait for it....)
Simon and half uncle!!
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Man walks into the chemist's and ask's where the tampax are...
'third row up on the right' replies the assistant...
man returns five minutes later with cotton wool and toilet roll...
'i thought you wanted tampax?' asks the assistant...
'i sent her out the other night for cigarettes' the man says, 'she bought baccy and rizla's...if i've got to roll my own, so can f*****g she'
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
By any chance, have any of these jokes come from the book series 'Man Walks Into A Bar'?
Good news: Pete Doherty has entered a 12-step drug program.
Bad news: He lives 12 steps away from a crack house.
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If you're trying to start fire by rubbing two sticks together, make sure one of them is a match.
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Smokers are just like everyone else. Just not as long.
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Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
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Why couldn't the blonde write 11?
She didn't know which one came first.
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Did you hear about the woman who backed into a fan?
Disassed-er!
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, "F off! You won't bring it back."
__
Imagine my joy when getting out the christmas decorations I found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces was a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.
Such a pity it was a puppy
__
A guy was sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 and noticed a really beautiful woman idle up to next to him. He thought to himself: "Wow, she's gorgeous. She must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?" Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?" The girl gave him a blank, almost confused stare, and he immediately thought to himself: "Dash it, she doesn't work for Delta." A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. So he leaned towards her and said, "Something special in the air?" She returned the same blank look and he mentally kicked himself and scratched Singapore Airlines off his list.Next he tried Thai Airways: "Smooth as Silk?"Only this time the girl turned on him and said: "What the F do you want, mister?" The man smiled, then slumped back contentedly in his chair and sighed: "Ahhhhh....EasyJet."
__
Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles."
The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog."
"Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?"
"Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal."
"Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that."
So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.
And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence...
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.
'Is there a problem Officer?'
The policeman says, 'Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?'
The driver responds, 'I'd give it to you but I don't have one.'
'You don't have one?'
The man responds, 'I lost it four times for drink driving.'
The policeman is shocked. 'I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?'
'I'm sorry, I can't do that.'
The policeman says, 'Why not?'
'I stole this car.'
The officer says, 'Stole it?'
The man says, 'Yes, and I killed the owner.'
At this point the officer is getting irate. 'You what?'
'She's in the boot if you want to see.'
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, 'Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!'
The man steps out of his vehicle. 'Is there a problem sir?'
'One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.'
'Murdered the owner?'
The officer responds, 'Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?'
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, 'Is this your car sir?'
The man says 'Yes' and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. 'One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.'
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. 'Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.'
The man replies, 'I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!'
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
its been a while so:
Why did the baker have brown fingers?
Because he needed a poo.
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Re: The Well Dodgy Joke Thread
Two prostitutes are talking on a street corner, one says to the other "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" she replies "no but i've been swung round by the tits"
shamelessly stolen from the live at the Apollo series on BBC1