Why my relationship failed (getting it out of my system)

Rationalising everything helps me (being an engineer...), and now that my ex girlfriend has found my replacement everything has turned blurry again (luckerly a temporary measure. Got over her once, will do again!). Made worse by the fact that before I found out about him I genuinely thought we would get back together again (I called her up inviting her on a 'first date'....a meal out for her birthday when she told me about him).

We failed because of the distance between us and the stress of having a daughter, she was in Peterborough and i was in Coventry. I am in my final year at university, whilst she graduated last year. I am very busy with work, and at the time with finding a job...something i needed desperately. Work came first, which we all agreed on.

We grew apart through having no time together. We were always at her house with her family, and with our daughter being in bed by 8pm when we went to bed we couldn't talk for fear of waking her. Admittedly I tried my best, I drove over there every weekend at massive cost, treated her to meals out, cinema when we could fit it in and all in all do all i could. When i wasn't with her i would send her a txt before bed no mater where i was or what i was doing hinting at our future together, among the usual calls & txts each day. Little things i hoped made me different from any other boyfriend.

Admittedly whilst over there i spent a lot of time in front of the TV/my laptop doing a mixture of job applications & Hexus. She did the same with her PC and Facebook. I would rarely listen to her properly when she was talking in general (her day, her friends what shes been up too etc) though i did when she had problems and needed to vent or a subject that mattered. In my defence i had a lot of very long weeks & some long days with the work and by the weekend i just wanted to switch off. I never realised how much it bothered her having 2 repeat something before i realised she was talking to me. I regret it all.

She had a real temper and was very stubborn, and very very rarely did she ever admit to being wrong, apologies for anything or take a step back from an argument (far more so then the average relationship). Arguments continued until i backed down and apologised, whether i was right or wrong. We both argued as much as each other admittedly, both started our fair share, but i would admit when i was wrong, and apologise when i took it too far (though i always apologised for everything anyway).

She took up rehearsals for a song & dance show in January, i was over the moon with it thinking it would get her out the house and help her relax a bit instead of being at home with our daughter all the time. This was despite her already having 2-3 evenings out a week with voluntary work with local guides etc, something she did enjoy. The rehearsals were on a Friday evening & all day Sunday, which more then halved the time i could see her. She never had a second thought about this and i was too scared of bringing it up for fear of an argument/being seen as uncaring. When I did bring it up & told her how i felt about it i got both barrels and the butt of the gun. I never felt comfortable in her families house without her there so would come back to Coventry earlier to get some work done, despite seeing less of my daughter. This was my choice however, she understood it though. I did my best to support her with the show.

As time went on she spent more & more time at these rehearsals, including going out for drinks with them afterwards on a Friday evening. This meant i would drive over there for 11pm and wait for her to get back or Saturday morning. Again whenever I tried to bring it up how little i was seeing her i would get argued down & would end up apologising to her. I made do with seeing her for Saturday & an hour on Sunday morning. Slowly we drifted apart and i was so busy with uni/grad jobs i never noticed. The bomb shell came 6-7 weeks ago when she told me she saw me as a friend more then anything. Told me she had grown up since uni and with me still going out clubbing weekly (admittedly, i only went out on a Friday when she couldn't see me, i never choose a night out over her, ever) she saw us only drifting further apart. She mentioned me not listening to her properly & being on my laptop when i was there, despite grad job applications & the stuff i didn't listen to being irrelevant. I screwed up there, admitted it and knew it. She was right about us drifting apart, i never saw it coming but was so busy with uni work and trying to find a job i never stood a chance. I only wish she had talked to me about it sooner so we could have worked through it rather then letting it build up.

We stayed apart for a couple of weeks, no/very little contact to see how things went. I drove over and saw our daughter whilst she went out (seeing new guy? possibly but i don't know) and did it that way for a few weeks. Despite knowing that i was never 100% comfortable in the relationship with the way she treated(?) me/her temper I would have done anything to take her back, if only for the sake of my daughter (see the film Taken & the birthday seen). Deep down i was so sure we would get back together again. The reasons we broke up was so eminently fixable i thought, i felt that a few talks about it & some changes for us both would give us the fairy tale relationship, and we would be back to talking of marriage (which she talked non stop about at Christmas, magazines & everything) and where we would live together.

After a couple of weeks and me seeing her one Saturday she rang me, i saw her when i visited our daughter and it was like the good old days. She wore the ring i got her for Christmas (still does) and she still had pictures of me up around the house. I was so sure we would give it another go one day soon & with some miner adjustments we would be happier then ever & i would be king of my castle again.

Couple more weeks passed, i saw a few girls nothing serious just fun but still wanted her back. I rang her today suggesting a meal to celebrate her up coming birthday, and joked about it possibly being our first 'date'. She went quiet and with a bit of poking from me found out about the new guy. 12 years older then her, looks a bit like Paul Teutul, Sr from American chopper but with less fair, and met him through this song & dance show they are doing. She assures me they have only been getting together in the last couple of weeks & i do believe her (without me being naive etc). It hurts knowing that she is with someone else & the fact that i am officially a visiting dad. She is very good about letting me see our daughter & she would never come between us, still hurts seeing my daughter for a few hours & then having to say goodbye for another week. Especially in the house where a few months earlier i would race over there eager to see my two favourite girls.

I was never sure if she was right for me, i felt i made far more of an effort with seeing her, surprising her & making an effort to be there for her. I live with our daughters godfather (my best mate) who gave up an industry placement to live with me & do is final year alongside mine. This was on the rough understanding that my then gf & daughter would be down every other weekend. He is a mother in mans clothes & adores children and would bend over backwards for our daughter. My then gf & daughter visited us twice, once for her graduation & before going home afterwards and once for the night. I blamed myself & made up excuses whenever my flatmate brought up how little he was seeing his god-daughter & how disappointed he was. Even when my girlfriend justified reasons for why she never visited us i accepted them & at times agreed just to keep the peace & make sure she was happy.

She was vicious at times, swearing at me, shouting at me during arguments. I could count the number of times i ever shouted on one finger (when she cheated on me 18months ago), i never swore at her. An example of an argument we had would be at Christmas, i asked her if she could arrange some time s to visit my family over the Christmas holidays (around her guide work, she planned two 1 night trips there either side of Christmas. I felt a bit hard done by with this and how little time my family would be able to spend with our daughter at her first Christmas. I got shouted at ad ended up apologising. We saw my family for a night before Christmas and a night afterwards.

I am an alright guy i think, i am not a push over and i can more then hold my own with anyone except her. I do my very best to be kinder then most, more generous then most, and more patient then most. I treat others exactly how i would want to be treated myself and am diplomatic/avoid confrontations far more then most. I never felt that in return from her. I miss her so desperately now that i know there is no chance of us in the future (she is happy with him) but most of all i am worried about having to face her every week, wondering what if i never bought my laptop round, what if i had listened more carefully...what if i had put up a fight over this gang show. But then i wonder with me working & living down in London and her refusal 2 leave the Peterborough area whether i have dodged a bullet and this happening in a few months/years time?

I have a graduate job with Thales starting in September and will be buying my own house in August, mortgage and all. I am about to take the biggest leap I ever have and I will be doing it on my own. I will land on my feet, i will meet someone down in London and i will look back on this and sigh with relief that it all fell apart now & not when i was living with her, when i didn't have my mates around me, and when i didn't have a life changing event on the horizon to look forward to and two lads holidays & visiting my parents in Italy to look forward to.

It is a long & soppy read, I don't expect anyone to read it all but wanted to write it all down and Hexus seemed as good a place as any! I have written it in the most even handed of ways so as not to blame her/make it one sided. We both made mistakes & both could have done more though hindsight is a funny thing.

One day I will look back and smile, and i know things will work out for me in the end, they always have & they always will but as for now, got a long few days ahead of me! :)

edit: I might PM a mod sometime next week for this thread to be deleted if that's alright. Once i have manned up & stopped feeling sorry for myself! ;)

I read it all :)

I don;t have much to say, but it sounds like you've got exactly the right attitude; hang in there, and life will be better sooner than you think!

Sounds like you dodged a bullet!

No offence to her, but anyone who decides its a 'good idea' to have a kid, or not realising they've missed one or two motions, yet doesn't respect someone who is trying to finish their degree and the like which make providing for the child a hell of a lot easier...... Yup.

Make sure when you agree maintenance, you get a decent share of your daughter and a good say in her upbringing

Nothing wrong with a little self pity and introspection. :) You have some new goals and challenges ahead of you, and what sounds like a lovely daughter with whom I hope you and your new partner (wherever she may be) will build up a good relationship as she grows up. Your ex sounds as if she is being reasonable about that.

So best of luck chap, and if or when you want this thread removed - just PM me! :)

Are you related to Saracen? (Long posts) lol

Wow you have had a tough all time there mate, she sounds like a bit of a ball buster, so would be hard to win arguements. Sometimes you cant win, i know personally i have to be in control and i dislike being wrong, so would clash with that personality. Hopefully you can move on and get things on track :)

Daughter wasn't planned though turned out to be blessing & i still adore her to bits. Admittedly we got back together the first time more because of her then anything, though we had some good times since then. She always agreed that my university work came first, but i would have liked her to have made more of an effort to visit me (i offered to pay the petrol, my flat mate/her god father was desperate to look after our daughter & letting us have a lie in/baby sit for us) and maybe have been a bit more patient with me especially as university stress & worry about not getting a graduate job (parents live abroad, no graduate job = nowhere to live) combined with father & worrying about her kept me fairly well tide.

I knew the song & dance production was going to be bad news, as much as i didn't want to stop her doing something she loved, deep down i knew it would put too much pressure on us. Stuck between arguing with her about it & risk loosing her, or letting her do the production & keeping my fingers crossed. Small blessing is at least it forced us apart now, rather then something else in later life when marriage & accommodation would come into play.

I have to agree with TheAnimus here... a lasting relationship IMO is all about give and take, and if you were constantly backing down and saying sorry then it was entirely unfair and unbalanced.

Anyway, I hope you feel better soon - it's never easy finding out an ex has 'moved on' or whatever.

I read it all, and I think your writing down is your way of putting the end of the relationship to rest, t get it in context.... It must smart that she has found someone new but I do believe things happen for a reason.... Stay friends, make your baby the priorty.... Sounds like you were both under enormous pressure, she was having to cope with a new baby, and maybe resented you a little for not being there? I hope that doesn't sound harsh and it's not meant too.... But then you were gaining qualifications to make life better for your family, this is where men and women think differently I think, men sometimes feel they have to work so hard for their family, but the wife may feel that it's pointless if he can't be there to enjoy it too. All relationships need working on, and it can be hard, it's easy to get stuck in a rut with everyday things, we do sometimes forget we need to make an effort now and then....That works both ways.

Life will get easier for you hon, use the knowledge learnt this time around to enhance any future relationship you have :)

Andeh am sorry to hear about your seperation.

For what its worth man, I think it's her loss.

It's good you're both on good terms but start learning how the custody system works.

Did she have the child before or after she cheated on you?

PS:

Sorry if I am being a nosy git!

I do agree that every relationship needs some give & take, that was something i do genuinely feel was off between us. I gave too much, sometimes at the detriment of others (family, flatmate etc) who missed out on seeing our daughter.

Daughter is definitely mine, happened not long after the incident but she looks just like me & nothing like the other guy. I used to be able to read her (ex gf) like a book, flicker of the eye, hesitation in her voice and i could tell without doubt when she was hiding something so there is no doubt over my daughter. Hell, at the time i was frantically hoping she wasn't mine, but that all passed when she was born. When she split up with me it made me realise just how much we had drifted apart, once upon a time i would pick up on her thoughts within minutes of her thinking them and this time i missed everything.

Thanks for all the kind words though guys, do appreciate them! :)

That was not a long and soppy read at all. It was an intelligent expression of your feelings and where you are right now. I'm honoured that you allowed us to share it with you.

Read it all Andehh and I feel for you mate.

Sorry for thread hijack but im in a similar-ish situation (all though no kids involved).

Not long after me and the ex split up, we spoke and i found out she had been spending alot of time with a guy, I joked about him being her new fella, she promised to my face that she isnt and wouldnt be with this guy, I believed her because she told me she doesn't want kids and no matter what had happened I still loved/ love her and on top of that, the reason she gave me for breaking up was that she prefers friendship to a relationship and didnt want a relationship.

Now this week (Monday) I had a funny feeling, so I asked her if she was with this guy, she said yes and that felt like I had been stabbed in the guy. Why?

1) She is in a relationship after telling me to my face that she wasnt and wouldnt be with the guy and that she didnt want a relationship
2) The guy has two kids, something she always told me she doesn't want.

Now dont get me wrong, I know they had been spending a lot of time with each other and as I still trusted her, I still held out hope that we would get back together, I mean you cant just forget 4 and a half years right?

Oh how wrong was I!. What hurts the most is now the more I think about it, the more I realise there may have been something more going on. I found out that this guy and his missus had split up a while ago (before christmas, before our holiday in september/ october last year) and through speaking to my ex, I found that she had been thinking about ending the relationship before the holiday (again about when this guy would have been single), she works with the guy so see's him every day. So now I feel that maybe she had been "with" him so to speak since before we split up and that she was just waiting for the right time to finish me.

For a while things were a little off between us, but I put that down to her mum being off work with stress and eventually leaving the school she worked for, meaning my ex was helping to pay the bills and stuff, so thought that maybe she was getting stressed, i offered to help, but she would not accept it, being too proud.

I did try asking her what other stuff may have affected our relationship such as me not being able to drive, but she said it wasn't that. All through our time together if something was wrong I made it my point to find out and if it was something I was doing that I shouldnt have been, I corrected it, alas that now seems to be a waste.

So right now I feel as if I have been used, atleast for the last 5 or 6 months of our relationship. I am bothered that she is with this guy, whom I have met, but my issue is more that she lied to my face, now the stupid thing is, at the moment I still want her back and would jump at the chance, but at the same time don't.

During the time we werent together, I got quite close with a girl i used to talk to, flirting via text, in person over the phone etc, thinking we were getting somewhere, then suddenly she decides we are just mates, so that was a kick in the balls.

Right now I am a bit of a mess and dont really know how I will be from day to day and I am at the stage where I just want to lock myself away from everyone and everything.

:(

DG - Don't do that. Locking yourself up will only make any negatives feel far worse. You should actually do the opposite. Go and do stuff you enjoy, that is in no way related to dating. Football ? Mates down the pub ? A giant barbecue and beer ? Frag Fest ? Music festival ?

You have to put the bitter thoughts to one side for your own health. Brooding is a very bad idea.

Indeed Phage, I did that when we first broke up, seemed to be getting somewhere then this happened, so now its a kind of "whats the point" attitude that I am in.

I play football monday after work and go gym with a lad from work.

I go out when mates can afford it, but dont drink so often feel a bit awkward lol. (trying to arrange next night out anyway).

Playing games atm just doesnt appeal to me, I start to play a game and last for about 30 minutes before I feel that there is just no point in it.

I am hoping I pass my driving test, I think that would be a welcomed boost.

I'm sorry if this is a little blunt but she cheated on you... How could you trust her after that? You sound like a better person than her.

I've had several long term relationships that didn't work out for one reason or another. Each time one ends it's only natural to beat on yourself about it and go through all the 'if onlys'..

But there's no point - until we invent time machines the past really is the past and you just have to chalk it up to experience. I don't believe in the 'there's one person out there' thing, and the fact of the matter is that anyone able to examine their thoughts rationally and post about them so eloquently is more than likely to be able to find someone they are perfectly compatible with spending the rest of their lives with if that's what you want.

There really are more fish in the sea ;) Shelley is right on - learn from it, and use it to make the next relationship better.

For my faults, I'm now engaged...

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Originally Posted by Jay

I ma sorry if this is a little blunt but she cheated on you... How could you trust her after that? You sound like a better person than her.

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If this was aimed at me, then I dont know for sure that she has cheated on me, I just has these suspicions/ feelings that she may have, it kind of add's up.

I intend to learn from whatever mistakes I have made in this relationship, even to just improve myself. The main reason I am struggling is that she was my first long term partner so I havent experienced this before.

I'll no doubt get flamed for my harshness, but what's all this moaning about?

a relationship happened. It ended. The end.

just move on, live your life and you'll meet someone at the next junction. I understand there are feelings similar to those of grief and they're natural, but there has to be a point when you just accept what's what and deal with it.

fwiw, once they're an ex, they're free to see who they please - I'd advise not getting hung up on things like that, maintaining contact with an ex (unless necessary for the benefit of children) is always a bad idea imho.

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Originally Posted by eshrules

I'll no doubt get flamed for my harshness, but what's all this moaning about?

a relationship happened. It ended. The end.

just move on, live your life and you'll meet someone at the next junction. I understand there are feelings similar to those of grief and they're natural, but there has to be a point when you just accept what's what and deal with it.

fwiw, once they're an ex, they're free to see who they please - I'd advise not getting hung up on things like that, maintaining contact with an ex (unless necessary for the benefit of children) is always a bad idea imho.

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This is, as he said, just a part of getting over it. Where's the harm?

Yeh, we went through a rough patch 18 months into our relationship & it ended up with her getting with another guy. I more or less moved on then after splitting up with her, met a new girl & things went well, then found out she was pregnant (once again, def my child) and we gave it another go a couple of months later.

We always had a bit of a strange relationship, i did feel taken for granted for a lot of the last half of it & never truely felt appreciated. Becoming parents was tough for us both, but she never seemed to understand how hard it was for me as well, esp with being at her mums house all the time & my parents being abroad. Fitting all my university work into 4 days a week, then driving 80+ miles to see, buy shopping for the family & fit in with her schedule no matter what. I also did have my fair share of worries about the future & how i could live with someone with such a short fuse & no patience. Memories of how well we worked together 'back in the day' kept it all in check though.

I know how it feels Disturbedguy, would have been our 3 year anniversary this week & she was my first long term girlfriend. She has known this guy for the last 6 months through this song & dance show, though assured me (and i cant help but believe her) that things only kicked off between them in the last couple of weeks. What strikes me as odd is the fact he is 12 years older then her (35, though looks older) and looks more like the sort of guy to be in a bar fight/nascar race then anything. Google America Chopper & look at the old guy in that & minus some hair you get the idea. Maybe its the fact he has a house & lives locally for the convenience & security atm which i couldn't provide.


And eshrules, each to their own & fair enough :). Everyone will go through this at some point & i'm sure some of you will be looking back & remembering when you were in the shoes of me & Disturbedguy. This is nothing new & is a blip on the radar for now, but in the long run will only be of benefit to us. Move on, meet someone new & use what you learned to avoid the same mistakes.

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Originally Posted by Kata

This is, as he said, just a part of getting over it. Where's the harm?

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I don't remember saying there was any harm in it? I remember offering my opinion on the OP's post.

To echo the wise words of some others here; this too shall pass. It's hell whilst you're going through it, the doubt, the recriminations and the analysing over and over again of what happened.

I've been there, I was engaged, it all went south about 18 months later. My ex fiancee even invited me to her wedding!! (I didn't go!) I've been through several rough break-ups since. The only thing I'll say is that it gets a bit easier as you get older and if something's not right then it's better to get out of the situation. People do change and what they want out of life can also change too.

It's hard to take on board when feelings are so raw but there are indeed many more fish in the sea and you'll move on, learn from this and the experience won't be wasted.

Hang on in there guys and I hope the worm turns for you both very soon. :)

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Originally Posted by Andehh

Yeh, we went through a rough patch 18 months into our relationship & it ended up with her getting with another guy. I more or less moved on then after splitting up with her, met a new girl & things went well, then found out she was pregnant (once again, def my child) and we gave it another go a couple of months later.

We always had a bit of a strange relationship, i did feel taken for granted for a lot of the last half of it & never truely felt appreciated. Becoming parents was tough for us both, but she never seemed to understand how hard it was for me as well, esp with being at her mums house all the time & my parents being abroad. Fitting all my university work into 4 days a week, then driving 80+ miles to see, buy shopping for the family & fit in with her schedule no matter what. I also did have my fair share of worries about the future & how i could live with someone with such a short fuse & no patience. Memories of how well we worked together 'back in the day' kept it all in check though.

I know how it feels Disturbedguy, would have been our 3 year anniversary this week & she was my first long term girlfriend. She has known this guy for the last 6 months through this song & dance show, though assured me (and i cant help but believe her) that things only kicked off between them in the last couple of weeks. What strikes me as odd is the fact he is 12 years older then her (35, though looks older) and looks more like the sort of guy to be in a bar fight/nascar race then anything. Google America Chopper & look at the old guy in that & minus some hair you get the idea. Maybe its the fact he has a house & lives locally for the convenience & security atm which i couldn't provide.


And eshrules, each to their own & fair enough :). Everyone will go through this at some point & i'm sure some of you will be looking back & remembering when you were in the shoes of me & Disturbedguy. This is nothing new & is a blip on the radar for now, but in the long run will only be of benefit to us. Move on, meet someone new & use what you learned to avoid the same mistakes.

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I had the same feelings aswell Andehh, but i did the same, I just remember the good times and what made and kept us happy and to me, that was the important thing. In our time together, we never argued, and I mean never had any kind of fall out where we didnt talk, so I hadn't experienced it before, where Andehh has so he has some idea of what to expect and feel I guess/

Eshrules, no flaming mate, for one it wouldnt help and two, I think deep down both me and Andehh know what you are saying and where you are coming from but everyone has a "down in the dumps" stage right?

I have seen american chopper so I know which guy you are talking about Andehh, the guy my ex is with is older than her as well, and me, I think late 20's early thirties. Like I said, its not the fact that she is with someone else that hurts, its that she told me to my face she wouldnt be with this guy.

And to be honest, me and this guy are so similar it makes me wonder..

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Originally Posted by Disturbedguy

Like I said, its not the fact that she is with someone else that hurts, its that she told me to my face she wouldnt be with this guy.

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If she rejected you then do the same. Don't waste any more of your time with a lost cause. The fact is you even suspect that she was involved with this chap in some way when you were both still in a relationship. She has lied to your face too!!

Given the demographic of the forum I can also offer the advice, at least your a guy, the guys 'biological clock' for finding someone before your too wrinkled, uglyied and dried up is somewhat better than a girls!

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Originally Posted by CAT-THE-FIFTH

If she rejected you then do the same. Don't waste any more of your time with a lost cause.

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I'm not mate. I have removed any form of contact I had with her or any of her family or friends, mobile numbers, facebook accounts and msn.

I have binned pictures that I had and was keeping "just in case" and have even stopped wearing the chain she bought me for my birthday.

I WILL get through this and I WILL be a better person and hell I may even find someone (not a priority) but I will NOT let her drag me down and I will NOT let the fact that she is moving on continue to beat me down.

I KNOW I did right by her and I KNOW that I NEVER did anything to hurt her our doubt our relationship. Hell when we first got together (this is something most people dont know) she self harmed, not massive cuts, but she cut herself and within the first month or two, I helped her get through it and I stopped her from doing it. I made a choice, right there and then to stick with her once I found out and regardless of what has happened the 4.5 years we spent together were great and fun and I enjoyed every minute of it.

But like I said, I will move on and I will find someone else. A girl form work has told me something which I didnt realise which was a boost and I will continue to go back to.

Thanks to everyone though :)

Andehh, if you ever feel like a chat on msn *pm'ed to you andehh* or any hexus person for that matter :)

we can , and will delete it if yuo really want... but I think you're gonna want it to stay.. it's clearly already helped other people here :)

Man up.. grow a pair.. and decide to leave it here, in public :)

Respect.... you earned it by the spade :)

might not want to put your full email address on such a highly google ranked site, you'll get spammm.

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Originally Posted by Zak33

we can , and will delete it if yuo really want... but I think you're gonna want it to stay.. it's clearly already helped other people here :)

Man up.. grow a pair.. and decide to leave it here, in public :)

Respect.... you earned it by the spade :)

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Zak I am assuming you mean the thread?

Her yes i will pm my addy to andehh and anyone whom wants it :)

Its been an interesting read this thread.. I am debating right now if I should post my own tale of woe or not.

Sod it I will, I started seeing my most significant ex way back in 2000, we lived together by 2002 due to her moving in with an idiot friend and then being desperate to move out so I obliged. We were together 9 years and I have to say I thought that it was a very happy relationship, we were best mates, the sex was always fantastic and regular. She treaded me like a king to be fair, was always making me sandwiches and cups of tea and doing things for me.

At some point in the last year things somehow got away from me, she wasn't happy that I went to Ibiza for a second time with my mates. We had a big talk about it when we got back but to be honest I couldn't remember a word of it because at the time I just wanted to lie down and sleep (I had been caning it for a week solid and had a serious hangover). Anyway, according to her this was my warning to change my ways that went unheeded. Events conspired against me though and I lost a job a week after I got back from that holiday, this definitely took my focus off my relationship (such as my focus was) and I have to admit I think I was in fact quite depressed about it. I had always loved my games and loved nothing more than whiling away a few hours on my PC downstairs in a cloud of smoke but I have to admit left 4 dead had just come out and I just buried myself in playing that. Looking back its easy to see that this was just escapism really so I didn't have to deal with anything in real life but at the time I thought I was really just enjoying playing it!

Things plodded along for a couple of months, my job situation improved a bit and then one of her friends died. Now the thing is, in all honestly I never liked this friend for a couple of reasons but the biggest one was the fact that she had my ex texting her everyday to check she hadn't died (the illness she had sadly meant someday it was a certainty) as her major fear was being found dead 2 weeks later or something. I really didn't like her putting that kind of pressure on my ex (as in the worry every time she didn't get a reply for a couple of hours), especially when she did have family and a boyfriend. Anyway, that day was at the end of March last year and my ex was understandably upset. Have to say, I didn't have a clue what to say or do to console her and I probably wasn't the best I could have been in this regard. Over the next week she snapped at me for every little thing and then apologised because obviously she was upset about her friend. I understood this but after 7 days of it I was quite blunt and told her that 'I wish you would stop saying that, I know why you are upset you don't have to explain'. Apparently she really took that to mean something I didn't but regardless she decided to go away fro a weeks holiday with her parents.

A week later, she gets back walks in the door and tells me she is leaving. Can't tell you how badly that hurt, to say I was crushed would be an understatement. I was 28 at the time and I had never been dumped before, and I really never thought we would end like that. I mean, I knew nothing lasts forever I wasn't naive about that, but after so much time and feeling like we could say anything to each other I just didn't think it would happen with us.

That was exactly a year ago on Monday and since then I have got myself properly in shape and ive been out with a couple of women and I am currently seeing somebody. I dunno exactly where that's gonna go, if I am honest I don't really see a future in it I know I still have strong feelings for my ex. I wonder if that will ever go away, im trying but who knows, 9 years is a lot of stuff to get over.

I suppose on the plus side slept with more women in the last 12 months than I had before in my entire life, so I suppose if you break it all down to numbers then I am winning!! sort of...

I suppose I should consider myself lucky that I had 9 years with her, but the truth is I don't feel lucky. I feel like I screwed up the best thing I have ever had in my life and that really sucks a bit.

Shes got some new bloke now so I hear, I removed her from facebook (really regret doing that, maybe if I had had a bit more contact I could have pulled things around but instead I got pig headed and removed her in a fit of anger) and don't have any contact anymore. That hurts to think she is with somebody else but I suppose I will get over it, lets face it theres no way he is gonna be as good as me anyway because im awesome :D

Thank you Disturbedguy, have added you! :)

Yeh, it makes it worse having a daughter in all of this, cant just turn my back & move on. Once i find someone new things will be easier but until then every time i see her its gunna hurt, especially knowing she is with someone else. I am still focusing on the job in september, getting a new car & a mortgage...that's a lot to look forward too, as well as a couple of lads holidays before then. Just got to get through the next 2 dissertations and 2 exams before i am free for the summer! :D

edit; and G4Z thanks for posting that, It does help knowing im not alone in feeling like this and other people have been through it all and come out fighting. I know I will, but its one side of my head knowing that it is for the best the other side wanting to go back to the good old days. Me living down south & her not wanting to leave her mum's & the area meant she would never lived with me and that would have put us on shaky ground. That combined with me deep down feeling unappreciated it would only have been a matter of time before i met someone else. :(

Gaz, as what Andehh has said.

Have been speaking to Andehh on MSN and have to say it has helped alot getthing things off my chest and talking to someone going through the same thing at the same time so cheers to you to Andehh.

This is why I <3 hexus :)

To Andehh and DG: Sorry to read all this, although it sounds good that you are able to articulate it. I think that it's the only way that we learn and are able to move forward - whether that is on our own or leads to involvement in other relationships (friendships or more).
I tip my hat to your honesty and eloquence.

Edit: And G4Z too - didnt mean to ignore you dude!

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Originally Posted by MSIC

To Andehh and DG: Sorry to read all this, although it sounds good that you are able to articulate it. I think that it's the only way that we learn and are able to move forward - whether that is on our own or leads to involvement in other relationships (friendships or more).
It tip my hat to your honesty and eloquence.

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Zakkly right.. this is the thing.. open honesty brings out the others who are suffering...

Hexus is often funny, sometimes a bit angry.. and sometimes dead sad.. but it's real life :)

And people say guys are insensitive!

Just tend to be less expressive.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by MSIC

To Andehh and DG: Sorry to read all this, although it sounds good that you are able to articulate it. I think that it's the only way that we learn and are able to move forward - whether that is on our own or leads to involvement in other relationships (friendships or more).
I tip my hat to your honesty and eloquence.

Edit: And G4Z too - didnt mean to ignore you dude!

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Quite right, I have learned a lot from it. However learing a lot doesn't stop you walking along each day and having your ex pop in your head. have to admit I still think about this every day at the moment (more than usual today it seems!). I would like to stop thinking about it which is why I have been busy trying to find somebody else to take my mind off it. Hasn't really worked in truth but I am thinking its maybe just because this girl isn't right for me. Who the hell knows, if there is one thing I have learned its that I know nowt!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by G4Z

Quite right, I have learned a lot from it. However learing a lot doesn't stop you walking along each day and having your ex pop in your head. have to admit I still think about this every day at the moment (more than usual today it seems!). I would like to stop thinking about it which is why I have been busy trying to find somebody else to take my mind off it. Hasn't really worked in truth but I am thinking its maybe just because this girl isn't right for me. Who the hell knows, if there is one thing I have learned its that I know nowt!

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I still sometimes see something that reminds me of a Girl I knew when I was 15/16, who cheated on me, time makes it easier because she was really in an odd place. Thing is I think it was easier for me because this was in no way the worst thing in my life, I was also doped up to the eye balls on pain killers because New Labour had 'fixed' NHS waiting times by spending billions, but importantly, changing the queue from been for an operation to seeing the consultant.... Oh how I learned to love the consequences of the best placed intentions.

When you have something that literally drowns out thoughts due to physical pain (I frequently would pass out, even when on high codeine doses) it becomes a welcome distraction as you can think how it can always be worse.

I was just walking through town arm in arm with my new(ish) lady and my ex walked out of an entrance right by us. When we split I was utterly, utterly gutted and thought I'd never bother with another woman ever again. Every time I saw her for many months afterwards it was like a knife in my heart. At the time she told me she 'Couldn't do relationships..' and then when I saw her on the arm of another guy with whom she went on to have a kid.. well, suffice to say I didn't feel good about it. Cue much introspection and soul searching angst whenever I (very rarely) had the mischance to see her.

Today my first thought was "Hell, she's got fat!" (She isn't but is a lot fatter than she was.) I honestly felt nothing except a very heartening sense of amusement. In fact, I'm still grinning now and telling you lot. My point is, not to gloat (though it does feel nice) is that really the old truism/cliche of time heals is true. I went through hell over her and now she barely registers on my radar. It's tough while it happens but you do come out of the other side stronger. I hope you guys have a similar experience and a lot sooner than me. :)

Edit: strangely, when she saw us her eyes went straight to where our arms were linked and I could've sworn her face dropped. Weird. Anyway, I've wasted enough time/thought on her for one lifetime! ;)

The end of relationships is never easy I'm afraid, even months or years later you'll still get the "what if's". Based on my experience with the breakup of my marriage, I'd tell you that it's easiest to minimise contact with her, hard with your daughter being involved, but it's best for you. Maybe you can do the custody visits via a third party?


I wish I had things to tell you to make it all better, but quite frankly they'd be empty words mate, you've already said most of what you can do to try and help yourself cope and beyond suggesting going out and getting utterly drunk with friends there's not a lot left to do. I can only caution you not to get yourself into a trap of trying to get her back (which I don't think you really want anyway), especially not for the "sake" of your daughter, it'll hurt her more in the long run as kids can tell when adults are feeling resentful to each other.

Wish my ex would get fat... but I doubt it because she is training to be a fitness instructor. Maybe this new bloke will turn out to be a feeder.

Still, at least now im proper fit with a resting heart rate of 58 and I now look pretty damn good naked. :D

G4Z tmi..seriously :p.
But im on the same route at the moment..get fit and lose the fat!

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Originally Posted by Disturbedguy

G4Z tmi..seriously :p.
But im on the same route at the moment..get fit and lose the fat!

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Well I hope you achieve what you want mate, definately makes you feel a lot better about yourself I have to say and there is nothing like the motivation of trying to impress new women folk to keep you going.

Well I have los thalf a stone so far, but keep picking up injuries that prevent me from doing much, but its all part of getting git.

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Originally Posted by G4Z

here is nothing like the motivation of trying to impress new women folk to keep you going.

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QFT.

When my mate and I were both coming back to running after some injuries, a long part of our route took us through 'crop picker country.' This is where you see a lot of very attractive, very fit-looking Eastern European girls who work in the fields of Herefordshire.

They very rarely speak, but so many times we were on the point of quietly toppling into a ditch and having a soothing cardiac arrest or three when a small group of the above women would hove into view around a corner. Suddenly my mate and I were transformed into steely-eyed Olympians with tireless hydraulics for leg muscles and each with the heart and lungs of an ox. Our pace would quicken, our jaws would tighten and we would leap past them like antelopes, every step imbued with contempt for this piddling little run in the country. Until they were out of sight, that is. ;)

I like to think those girls really helped us get back onto the path of fitness. They certainly helped with the mileage :D

Hahahah well I go gym, wouldnt run round my area, far to rough!

But there are ladies in there that dont half make you erm..perfom.

I used to do cross country running, so will I am unfit, I still have some of that stamina and I am getting it back. I suffer from shin splints so any run is painful, but I am aiming for 20 minutes on the treadmill next time I go!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by G4Z

Quite right, I have learned a lot from it. However learing a lot doesn't stop you walking along each day and having your ex pop in your head. have to admit I still think about this every day at the moment (more than usual today it seems!). I would like to stop thinking about it which is why I have been busy trying to find somebody else to take my mind off it. Hasn't really worked in truth but I am thinking its maybe just because this girl isn't right for me. Who the hell knows, if there is one thing I have learned its that I know nowt!

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I was sorry to hear about your tale (as I am about all the others on the thread) - too often we fail to appreciate what we have until it has gone, and then wonder how we missed the signs. (But then how can you interpret a language when a female saying "Fine" means the opposite? :) )

I still find I think about Exs from years ago, and some have (after a period of time) again become friends, together with their partners.

I said in my first reply to Andehh that if he wanted me to delete the thread (or his post), I would, but it has taken on such a momentum, and brought out so much, that I hope it will be retained!

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Originally Posted by Disturbedguy

But there are ladies in there that dont half make you erm..perfom.

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It must be difficult running when you're trying to hide the 'performance' :laugh:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Kata

It must be difficult running when you're trying to hide the 'performance' :laugh:

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Well, it took some practice, but an arm band around the erm..equipment and leg usually helps :p

Quote:

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Originally Posted by G4Z

Still, at least now im proper fit with a resting heart rate of 58 and I now look pretty damn good naked. :D

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This is all 100% true, and if he weren't a Geordie, he'd be mine.

Wait, this was meant to be in a PM....

Well on a bit of a feeling better plateau atm. had a good talk with my mum over the phone & she set me straight, Having been engaged & have a relationship fail then move in with a guy (join paid) and have that fail she knows her stuff in these situations! :p.

I need to snap out of this hoping she'll come back to me, I still hope that its her when my phone goes & hoping that the relationship she is in wont last (may/ may not). She wasn't right for me, and I am better off looking forward to my new life in London this july/august, and finding a girl who will treat me with the same love, affection & respect that i will treat them with. Back me up here guys! :)


Once again, thanks for all the comments, stories & experiences. Hearing other people who have come through this really helps! :)

As Andehh above really, not so much the talking to his mother stuff and moving to London but you get the idea.

Being able to talk to Andehh, someone in the same situation has helped immensley today, my general mood feels better and I am generally feeling slightly more positive

For now, my main goal is getting my fitness back, but with always having one eye on that end prize.

And although we never meet in person, I feel andehh is going to be one of those people I always talk to/ bug and bother :p.

Anyway, cheers to the Hexus people, thanks for all the comments and advice and basically general talking that has gone on.

Hexus really is a family first, community later in my opinion :)

Have to admit Andehh, felt really gutted for you when I saw your post a few weeks back... heck, even my girlfriend was gutted and she doesn't read Hexus :p. I don't know, but I couldn't really see how you were going to work your way out of it... with all you'd been doing, and everything you were anticipating it seemed a hammerblow.

Seeing your post here is actually quite inspiring I think... to see how you're moving on and looking ahead already, and sorting everything out in your head. I've feared suffering something along similar lines for a little while now and it's kind of reassuring in a way. Hard to explain, it just is.

I would echo some of the previous posters... I think you put up with a lot of *ahem* for a long time, and I've never known someone your age bust a gut like you did to do everything properly by your family and work so hard to prepare a decent future for them. You're like the anti-thesis of Jeremy Kyle ;). If she couldn't see that, then there's nothing you can do about it and someone else definitely will, when they come around.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by G4Z

Still, at least now im proper fit with a resting heart rate of 58 and I now look pretty damn good naked. :D

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This thread is nothing without pictures.

(Joke)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by snootyjim

This thread is nothing without pictures.

(Joke)

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Jim...please dont encourage him..please.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by snootyjim

This thread is nothing without pictures.

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I hear that the proper phrase is...
"Pics or it didnt happen"
:mrgreen:
Good thread though guys - very human, very real, nothing to feel embarrassed or weird about (quite the opposite in fact).

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Disturbedguy

Well, it took some practice, but an arm band around the erm..equipment and leg usually helps :p

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Like a sweatband? Cos it shouldn't be sweating that much....

Now if it's a captains armband or a black armband.... :lol:

wish i was as good at holding a decent mental attitude in those situations. You know when iv been screwed over cuz i dissapear for 3 months and drink myself stupid >_<

Well done sir!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Biscuit

wish i was as good at holding a decent mental attitude in those situations. You know when iv been screwed over cuz i dissapear for 3 months and drink myself stupid >_<

Well done sir!

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Well, I think everybody probably does that. Must admit I have partied big style this last 12 months. I went crazy last summer, spent nearly 5 grand (was most of my savings, hehe) in one month by going to Marbella and then Ibiza. I had an incredible time and met some quality people. It didn't make the blindest bit of difference to how I felt in the long term but I probably would not have done any of that like I did if my relationship hadn't ended. Swings and roundabouts eh?

Edit : also pics available on request ;)

Big thanks again to Disturbedguy, chatting away over MSN with someone in the same boat does help! keeps my mind off things and when im talking to someone, im not sitting & thinking! Also helps just having someone to just outlet to when my mood trips over itself as well. :)

Still fighting the need to have her back, and currently still fighting the regret of not acting a bit more bemused/shocked by the age difference between her and this new bf when she told me over the phone, and how quickly she got with the first guy she came across after we separated. Again, all with the end desire of making/hoping they would split up so she came back to me. Wrong on so many levels in the sense that it could have caused a rift in our friendship had i tried to interfere, wrong because she isn't right for me and getting back together now would cause more problems, grief and upset later on in the summer.

Found a temporary uplift for me though (and will pass it on to you Disturbedguy), searching through google images for good looking women & saving the pictures. Gives me something to look at and remind me of what i could/will have one day in the future! A girl who will genuinely feel for me and make the effort as I feel and make the effort for them, something i truly didn't have for a very long time i think. :)

Oncer again thank you for all those who have commented, this thread is great for when my mood dips & a lot of the comments have genuinely caught my eye and helped me out in ways you wouldn't believe! :)

Andehh - it's the weekend. I suggest that if you are still struggling over wanting your old gf back, go out and get laid this weekend :D

Right back at you Andehh, it's unbelievable how much it has helped talking over MSN tbh.

Hahah the woman thing, well I have so far about 12 images that are set as a desktop background slideshow, changes every 30 minutes xD

Incredible empathy and consideration on show in this thread, I hope it stays. I tend to lurk more than I post, but this shows the support is here for you on Hexus, whether it's your new graphics card that's broken or your heart.

I found it pretty hard going a couple of years ago, it probably won't help to elaborate hugely on the specifics, but what helped me most was getting out and about with new people, along with having people to talk to online when I didn't have anywhere to be. It was always hardest when I was alone in my room with just my thoughts for company.

Good luck for the future to everyone here.

Niko =)

Go out & get laid, i wish it was that easy! I have had some fun in the clubs over the last couple of weeks, hollow emotions but its all fun & games so i wasn't complaining. Ex never wanted to kiss me spontaneously so it was nice getting with some girls that did, again even though they were just hollow victories ;)

Had a better day yesterday, keeping busy as best i can and still fighting the emotions of wanting her back. Just keep reminding myself she wasn't right for me, she took me for granted on so many levels and that i wasn't truely happy with her. I look back on the good times with her & realise nothing jumps out at me for almost the last 2 years. Still got a couple of good looking girls as my desktop background, reminders of what I have to look forward to one day! :)

Andehh, I too sat and thought about the good times and again nothing really stands out.
My boss asked my yesterday "What is it you miss about her?" I couldnt answer, which says a lot for just how much of an impact she actually had on me.